“I like it,” Bell said. “It’s cute.”

Bert had to admit the sparking little village was beautiful in the warm morning light. No high walls defended it; no giant keep took the center ground… It was the very picture of happy village life. Slate roofs edged in a pale green moss, dark timbers reinforcing the stone, wattle-and-daub construction.

Cobbled streets ambled between well-kept houses and cottages with neat and tidy gardens. The delicate coating of snow turned it into a picture postcard, complete with delicate trails of smoke rising from chimneys.

Beyond the village proper, the fallow fields were each lined with hedges of a deep blue color, which contrasted nicely with the red barns at the corner of each field.

Through it all ran a wide, strong road that passed through the center of the market area, where he was sure the sound of a blacksmith would echo enchantingly without ever being too loud.

It was perfect.

Bert eyed the single tall building in the place. A multistory mansion on the edge of the market square adorned with flags and pennants.

They fluttered fetchingly in the wind.

“What did Abby say this place was, again?” Bert asked Lily, who was hovering in one corner.

“A small hamlet called Avonburgh, a border village belonging to the Kingdom of Lastia. Or it may be a Queendom… I’m not sure.” Lily replied promptly. “Several Guilds maintain a presence here, in a designated Guild House.”

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s the huge one with all the flags,” Bert deadpanned.

“So, are we going to sit here all day, or what?” Bell asked.

“We’ll set up outside the village,” Bert said. “But something about the place sets my teeth on edge.”

“We could change that!” She laughed.

Bert tried not to smile but failed. He had never been a fan of Bell’s love of running over things, but something about the cute little village made him want to yell ‘Ramming Speed!’ and call it a day.

It took some time to find a suitable place to set up; the Waystation wasn’t exactly small, after all. Even as a train. Eventually, the Waystation was set up on the side of the main road. They didn’t circle the train, as there seemed little point.

Bert went to help the Explorers unload and greet the inevitable small army of guards.

He was just passing the main restaurant area when the sounds of raised voices caught his attention. Bert stuck his head in to see what was going on and frowned.

“Okay, who put them in chains?” Bert demanded, staring at the ‘Shadow’ and his two motley assistants as they crouched in a corner, chained to a table.

“Vile fiend!” The Shadow proclaimed. “To bind us so!”

“I didn’t!” Bert said; he heard the snickers behind him and turned to see the orc brothers, Mic and Ric. “Is this you two?”

“No!” They both insisted. “Look!”

Bert turned back just in time to see the boy pull his hand out of the shackle to scratch his nose.

“We don’t even know where they got the chains,” Mic shrugged.

Bert reached out and picked one of the chains up. It was wood, painted to look like metal.

“What the fuck?” Bert asked, genuinely stumped. “Where did you get these?”

“You bound us, foul creature!” The woman wailed. “Alas, I fear for my virtue!”

“Never fear!” The Shadow proclaimed, “For never shall I let ill befall thee!”

“You dropped your chain,” Bert pointed out, as the coils of wooden chain dropped away.

“Tricks and lies!” The man insisted as they watched him gather the fake chains around him again.

“I… I don’t have time for this,” Bert shook his head and walked away.

“You will never hold us!” The Shadow called after him.

“The doors open, asshole,” Bert called back. “Feel free to leave at any time.”

“If you accompany us to the guild hall, we shall conclude our business,” Abby said with a slight bow. Her people were milling about on the road, clearly eager to get back into civilization.

“Wait for us!” Bell called, trotting down the gangplank with Lily and Wendy. “We want to look around.”

“Anyone else?” Bert asked. It had been a while since they had a chance to get into an actual village, and he didn’t blame anyone for a bit of cabin fever.

“Nope!” Wendy said. “Gavin is busy with Dee, Scruff is arguing with Bernhardt, Bud and the rest are heading out to do some hunting, and Reed and Lowes said the little girl was not ready for socializing yet.” She grinned. “Apparently, she tends to scare the normals.”

Bert shrugged, offered Bell his arm, and let Abby lead them on into the hamlet of Avonburgh.

Their little procession was quick to draw notice, which Bert found strange as no one had reacted to the Waystation. As they moved into the village itself, shutters opened a crack, doors were opened, and a bunch of very smartly dressed people came out to gawk at the newcomers.

The clothes were very different from what he had seen before. Smart suits, complete with cloth shoulder guards and stylized trousers with a small half skirt on one side over the pants for the men and vaguely Victorian long skirts with a blouse and waistcoat for the women.

And again, the faux shoulder guards. He even saw a few women with decorative lace bracers. More than that, he saw something he had not seen since Earth.

Several of the people were wearing glasses.

“The Hamlet of Avonburgh is quite advanced,” Abby said, noticing him staring. “The Guilds have brought a large amount of skilled craftsmen with them, so the people here live better than most.”

She wasn’t kidding, Bert thought, as the place was spotless. As were the people. Not a single person who had come out to stare at the procession was anything less than impeccably dressed. Several impressive waxed mustaches were on proud display.

“Supplies of most types are available here in the market square,” Abby said proudly as her people filed away to the massive mansion on the far side. “We like to have everything organized well,” She added.

“Is this where you live?” Bert asked as Abby was giving off a little bit of a tour guide vibe.

“It is,” She smiled. “I helped to build this place up over the last few years.”

“Was it that much different before?” Wendy asked.

“It was… shameful,” Abby said before changing the subject to the nearby clothes store.

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

Which was good timing as a tall, beared man with orcish features came barging out of the Mansion as they arrived, scowling.

“Just what is the meaning of this?” He demanded. “Why do you bring these barbaric-looking people into our town?”

“Calm, Mason,” Abby said with a fond smile. “They are from beyond our lands and aided us in returning home in ease and comfort.”

“Well,” Mason humphed, “I suppose a single exception can be made on the returning expedition sub-clause!”

“My thoughts as well,” Abby said, smiling. “Everyone, allow me to introduce you to Master Lewis, Mason to his friends. He was my partner in elevating this small corner of the world.”

The white-haired man gave a small bow, but his scowl remained. Bert tried not to stare. Did the man have his eyebrows waxed like a mustache?

“Hey,” Bert said, “Nice to meet you.”

“Mmmm,” Mason said, “Make sure you follow the ordinances while you are here, yes?” His eyes flicked between Bell, Wendy, and Lily. “Proper dress is expected within village limits.” Finally, his eyes settled on Bert, “For you as well.”

“At least give them time to read the booklet!” Abby laughed, beckoning them inside, past the scowling old man.

She wasn’t joking.

Bert and Bell stared down at the copy they had been given.

“This isn’t a booklet,” Wendy stage whispered, “It’s a book!”

She wasn’t entirely wrong. It turned out that what the hamlet lacked in size, it made up for with a complex and interconnected series of civic ordinances. There were apparently over a hundred that governed clothing alone. What made it worse was that many seemed to contradict each other.

Hence, the booklet.

While the Guild Council understands that many will experience confusion with the expected dress code for Avonburgh, it is much less confusing than one would think. One need merely apply common sense.

For example: The Guild Council forbids wearing armor in public, while the Town Charter calls for Armor to be worn at all times.

While we, the Council, would like to simply remove the archaic Charter, we still respect its laws. As such, we recommend and indeed encourage the decorative armor pieces on offer at all good Clothiers!

And remember! Good Ordinances make Good neighbors!

“Are they kidding?” Bell whispered to Bert as she examined the garishly printed cover once more. “I can’t tell!”

Good Citizen’s Guide to Avonburgh!

Living, made easy, simple, and fun!

The cover showed a rosy-cheeked child being handed a wrapped sweet by a man in a smart coat. A blushing woman clasped her hands and simpered next to him.

“If you make me wear that, I’ll puke,” Wendy hissed, pointing at the illustration of a woman in an elaborate bustle and train dress that was marked ‘Formal Wear.’

“Yeah,” Bert sighed, “It all seems a little much.” He grinned. “I bet we can find some nice clothes here, though.”

“Oooh, I wonder if they have maid outfits!” Wendy said suddenly, flicking through the handbook.

That was the point at which Bert simply tapped out of the conversation.

===============

Bert looked at himself in the mirror. Well, okay, it was more of a screen where Way Way showed him what he looked like, but it did the same thing at the end of the day.

“Not bad,” Bert grinned as he checked the fit once more. He looked pretty good in a dark charcoal grey suit made of something like thick wool with a matching waistcoat. The absence of lapels had thrown him a bit, but once he realized the shirts all boasted a smooth collar reminiscent of Asian styles back on Earth, it made sense. The shirt was a red color that Bell had described as ‘arterial spray’ which might explain how much of a discount they had gotten on the clothes.

He fastened on the cloth spaulders and frowned. They completely ruined the lines of the jacket. Taking them off again, he considered his options. The cloth armguards looked ridiculous, and the cloth leg guards as well.

In the end, he pulled on a pair of cloth gauntlets, which at least left the rest of the clothes intact.

Now what?

It is important to remember that an uncovered head is the sign of a barbarian. Make sure that you wear something appropriate at all times!

“Yeah, no,” Bert said to himself. He had tried to find a hat, but his head was simply the wrong shape. Nothing he tried had worked, so in the end, he had convinced the tailor to sell him several squares of cloth to match the suits. He tied one now, covering his head with it like a bandana.

“Now that’s more like it!” He heard Bell from down the hall and went to join his people.

“I look fucking stylish!” Gavin screamed at Scruff as she laughed. “I’ll no be takin’ backtalk from yerself.” The dwarf glowered as he crossed his arms. He was wearing a suit… sort of. It turned out that they didn’t have any Dwarf-sized clothes, so the tailor had done his best based on the description.

It wasn’t great.

The jacket brushed the floor as he stomped about in a rage, the tailor having apparently simplified matters by merely shortening the arms and legs. What made it worse was the frilled ruffle that he insisted on wearing with the ensemble. It was almost as wide as he was.

“Oh, leave him alone!” Wendy chided Scruff. “I think he looks sweet!”

“Aye, that’s me!” Gavin said, jerking his thumb at his ruffle. “Sweet as fuckling pie!”

Wendy and Bell laughed. Bert looked at them and marveled. They had both chosen matching dresses. Blue for Bell, while Wendy chose a dark red. Both of them sported every cloth armor option they could get.

“How do I look?” Scruff asked, a bit nervously. She had gone for a more conservative look, with a long dark skirt, long-sleeved blouse, and waistcoat. She sported a single bracer with delicate stitchwork as well.

“Fantastic,” Bert smiled. “Shall we?” He offered her his arm.

Scruff grinned and took it.

They met the others on their way out of the Bear’s Fall. Mic and Ric were fidgeting with their collars while Trun’nal slapped their hands away. Their sister was regally dressed, her arm through Gor’tals in a way that was apparently making him nervous.

“That is the cutest thing ever!” Bell and Wendy said at the sight of Bud and Tim, both in white suits. Tim was preening under the attention, holding onto Lily’s hand proudly.

“I wore the black dress,” She said timidly. “I couldn’t find the maid’s outfit we brought.”

“Aww, bless,” Bell said with a grin. “The maid outfit wasn’t for you, sweetheart.”

“It wasn’t?” Lily asked, walking innocently into the trap.

“No, it was for sex,” Wendy said with a wink to Scruff, who actually blushed almost as much as Lily did.

“Okay,” Bert said, changing the subject quickly, “We are off to go buy supplies, people; you all have funds?”

The chorus of Yes, yup, of course, was interrupted by Mic and Ric swearing they hadn’t gotten any money. Tru’nal hit them both, and they nodded reluctantly.

“One last thing,” Bert added. “Keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious or out of place.”

They all stared at him.

“What?” He asked.

“This place looks too nice for anything weird to be going on,” Wendy said eventually.

“A nice place doesn’t need this many laws,” Bert said, holding up the handbook. “Be careful.”

“Go on, shoo!” Bell said to the others as she took his arm, “We have a meeting to go to.”

The team scattered as they headed into the town.

“What a pleasure to see you!” Abby greeted them at the door to the Guild House with a smile. Her garb reminded Bert of the uptight Victorian looks he had seen in period dramas, yet with added severe angles and planes.

It was quite something.

She ushered them back through the wood-paneled foyer and up a set of stairs to a grand hall. It seemed to stretch on forever, thanks to mirrors on every wall.

“Impressive,” Bert said.

“Thank you, we like it.” Abby bowed slightly and led them over to a small group of people loitering near a low table covered in food and delicate crystal glasses.

Bert took in the group as they walked over.

Three things stood out to him immediately. The first was that they all wore the same look of forced smiles and stiff postures. No matter how it looked, these people hated each other.

The second was that they were all extremely well off. He had browsed the dress and tailor shops while waiting for his suits to be made. The clothes and decorations on their hosts were all from the top shelf. More than that, it was conspicuously so. The two women in attendance had several fabrics in clusters at the bustle. They served no purpose other than to show off as many types of fabric as possible. The blond woman with blue eyes was also sporting a set of ornate ribbons in her hair that would cost more than the entire suit he was wearing. The woman with the hawkish features and short, curly, auburn hair was also sporting ribbons, but these ones fell from her shoulders.

The thirst thing he noticed was that not one of them so much as glanced at Bell. Every pair of eyes instead turned to him.

Little did they know.

“Our guests at last,” The blond woman said with a smile that never reached her eyes, “I’m Madam Cooper, but you may call me Rachael for the evening.” She acted as if the lack of formality was a favor she was doing them.

“Indeed,” The man opposite her said. “I am Master Craftsman Bailey, but let’s not stand on ceremony; just call me John.” His speech was clipped and precise but not entirely unfriendly.

Mason was there, of course, and the man simply nodded and turned away, dismissing them entirely.

The final member of the little group looked extremely uncomfortable with the action, stepping forward to hold out his hand to Bert and Bell immediately.

“Carter Miller, Nice to meet you both.” He flashed a nervous smile and then was abruptly pushed aside by the blond battleaxe, Rachael.

“Stand aside, boy, allow them to introduce themselves.” She said with a momentary sneer.

“Bert and Bell Hudson,” Bell said sweetly. “Madam Cooper, was it?”

“It is,” The woman smiled.

“So… a madam,” Bell said innocently. “Are you a whore yourself, or do you just run them?”