After that hellish week was over, I was sent off with Ironwall’s army as a physician. I wasn’t even sure what was left of me that I could be much good, but my body propelled me as I rode alongside Caerwyn on horseback to keep living as a body was made to do.

I was wearing light armor and had a sword for self protection as well as a satchel around my neck that contained everything I needed to help the wounded on the battlefield. Salves, medicine, and gauze for binding wounds.

The army was travelling northeast and we would meet Lowen’s army on the way there. Peter was a coward and would not fight with the army; King Torr, however, with his horrifying black eyes, would not be deterred and would be fighting alongside his army.

But it wasn’t just his eyes that were black. He had an entire black aura now—he was enshrouded in it.

I highly suspected that the lustful god had chosen his vessel, and that it was King Torr.

I whispered to Caerwyn as we rode at the back of the army, “have you seen his aura?”

Caerwyn nodded. “I’ve seen it. What has happened to him?”

I realized I needed to tell Caerwyn of everything that happened in Nui, and I did so rather ineffectually.

“I think it is likely the lustful god has chosen him as his vessel.” I said as I finished explaining.

“If that’s true,” Caerwyn said, “we need to find a way to defeat him and get Terry out of here.”

I nodded silently but with little conviction. I held out very little hope for the future, and I went silent again for a long time.

Caerwyn gazed upon me and begged me to speak to him as we rode—begged me to return to my normal self—but I couldn’t. That girl was dead.

The sound of horses stamping through muddy grass filled my ears as we left the border of Ironwall under heavy rain. The temptation was there to spur my horse away from the army and try to run, but I knew they could easily catch me if I tried. And still, deep down, I wanted to help Caerwyn and Terry in any way I could and didn't want to run away from them.

I scanned the army for Terry, and I barely spotted him. He was encircled by dozens of knights who were making sure he couldn’t escape. I noticed he was horribly bruised and cut up and realized they must have been torturing him to make him more docile. He looked as expressionless as I was.

I gasped and yelled without thinking, “Terry!”

There was enough of a window between all the knights encircling him that I could see him for just a second. He looked around for me and a spark of life was brought back to his docile eyes. “Mimi? Where are you!”

One of the knights hit Terry roughly on the back of his neck and the boy hung his head again. I was about to shout his name again but Caerwyn shook his head. “They’ll only hurt him more.”

I could stand them hurting me—if only just—but them hurting Terry was like them hurting my little brother all over again. I couldn’t stand to think of that sweet boy being away from his friends for a whole week and being tortured until he was no longer that rambunctious, high-spirited boy I once knew, and looked like an undead version of himself.

I whispered to Caerwyn, “I can’t stand this! We have to get him out of here!”

Caerwyn nodded determinedly.

But deep down I knew it would be almost impossible to free him, unless we were willing to fight off a whole army. I had no idea what to do.

The emptiness within me was replaced with cold sadness. Terry was just a tool to be used to them.

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I wrote in you awhile ago, my diary, that we were two of a kind. Even to this moment we were. We were both beaten and abused and made into things to be used; Terry as a weapon, and I as a whore.

__

As we left the border of Ironwall two weeks later, the green grass was disappearing and being replaced by dirt and gravel as we were hallway to the border of Lowen.

Caerwyn told me that the rest of Lowen was little greener than this. Lowen must be a poor kingdom with little food to go around if there were so little plants growing.

I wondered why there was so much rain—it was summer and it was supposed to be hot.

We pitched up tents and I looked around at all the men who were either resting before a fire or bustling to help get the rest of the tents up.

I noticed there were very few female physicians in the army. I counted three others, and the rest were men.

I sat around a fire outside with Caerwyn and a few other soldiers as the rain finally let up for a bit. One of the soldiers locked eyes with me curiously. “Just what is a female moth doing here? If she’s a mage to help in battle, shouldn’t she have a chain around her neck?”

I shrugged silently. I had no courage left to speak and found myself trembling in the presence of all these soldiers due to that horrid experience I had with them earlier.

Caerwyn spoke up for me. “She is here to help protect you all. She wants to be your angel.”

The knights looked charmed at that and looked at me with much more appreciation rather than mistrust. One of the knights asked, “she looks so frightened. Should she really be here?”

Caerwyn looked at me for a long moment before he turned back to the soldier. “I was very against it, but she is strong willed and wants to support her men.”

All the soldiers smiled at that and said, “we will endeavor to protect you on the field of battle.”

I wished I could return the smile, but I merely hugged my knees and sniffled a little. Caerwyn looked heartbroken at my palpable pain. He wanted to hug me, and there was nothing stopping him now that he was no longer a templar, but there was something else keeping him from it. He was still very shy and nervous of women. He asked me instead, “can I get you anything? Perhaps a blanket?”

I shook my head. “I’m worried about Terry. I want to see him.”

Caerwyn took a deep breath as his gaze was directed to Terry’s rather lavish and big tent that was heavily guarded.

Caerwyn stood up, standing tall and straight, and walked over to the tent.

I noticed when Caerwyn walked that he had an odd gait from time-to-time. He seemed to unintentionally walk with his hips swaying. It must be a result of his upbringing.

We all carried so many things from our parents. I’d like to think I used to carry Mother’s sweetness and Daddy’s strength, but it had left me now. Anything that was left—a shivering, cowardly, and soulless girl—was all me. My soul was laid bare.

In a moment, Caerwyn returned with a grin on his face. I looked at him curiously but said nothing.

“You can speak with him just for a moment.” Caerwyn informed me. “With soldiers around, of course.”

I stood up excitedly and gazed upon Caerwyn with love and appreciation—he must have used his wonderful charm to convince the soldiers to let me see him. My spirt buoyed again, just for a moment as I danced over to the tent surrounded by soldiers.

“I can go in, right?” I asked the soldiers hopefully.

“Make it quick.” One of the soldiers said.

I entered the tent to see Terry lying on his side with a dead look on his face.

It took him a long moment, but he brightened when he saw me and sat up with a grunt of pain.

“Terry!” I squealed and wrapped my arms around him. “You’re okay!”

“Mimi!” He said happily and returned the embrace with tears glistening in his eyes.

I held him at arm’s length after a moment as I sniffled.

Here was my best friend—covered in cuts and bruises, just like I was covered in scratches under my fur from Peter—we were two of a kind like always. As always, he was the one person alive who understood me completely and what I had been through. I touched his cheek affectionately. “They hurt you so much…”

Terry glanced away, embarrassed, and answered, “I’m fine, Mimi… What about you? God, tell me Peter didn’t harm you.”

I looked down with my heart aching. “He hurt me.”

Terry’s face twisted into one of bottomless anger and sadness. “I’ll kill him! I can’t believe I wasn’t there to protect you. I failed you.”

I shook my head. “You never failed me! You’ve always been there for me. I’m the one who can never protect you or anyone else!”

Terry grabbed my shoulders. “Don’t you ever say that! You saved me you took that bird—and all the evil aggressions within me—out of me! I don’t know where I’d be without you! I’d probably be in a dungeon or worse!” Terry retorted. “Mimi, I don’t want you on the battlefield. Tell the soldiers to take you back!”

I made a face. “To where? Peter? To do what? To wait for you and Caerwyn to return when it is likely that you may not? I want to help!” I cried.

We were being too loud and one of the soldiers hefted me to my feet and began hauling me out of the tent. I reached out my arms to Terry. “Let me talk to him more!”

“You’re upsetting the Catalydd.” The soldier said and pushed me back toward the fire where Caerwyn sat.

I wiped my eyes with a ragged breath and sat next to Caerwyn again.

He looked at me compassionately and murmured, “why are the people I love most made to suffer? Why not me?”

I shall try to find time to write in you later, my diary. I must stop now, as I will be joining the men on the battlefield soon.