Taranheim 181

The next two months went by so quickly, my diary! I had committed myself to a schedule everyday for the rest of Taranheim!

First, I made it a habit to always have a private breakfast with Paris. During this time, I would consistently probe him for any details about his life that would help me understand him so I could coax the bird from his head. Next, I worked on improving my sewing in the garden with a few other noble ladies. Then, I had lessons with the physician in her quarters I was much better at it than sewing!

After that, I would ride out to the city with Paul and Terry and, at first, I would just let myself be seen by the people and explore. After awhile, however, I convinced Paris to let me help many of the shop owners, and they grew to love my company. I helped each of them in their shops on different days of the week. I finally got to try my hand at making a sword at the blacksmith’s! It turned out crooked and ugly, but I kept it anyway! I also got much better at math by working with the glass maker who had come around and apologized for trying to overcharge me for that red vase!

And while I was in the city, I saw it beginning to happen already, my diary. I saw many noblewomen who previously had moth slaves trailing them silently begin speaking joyously with their slaves rather than ignoring them. They talked about things both personal and pleasant and were becoming friends rather than master and slave.

Meridi told me she would ever hide just outside Nui and keep to the tall grass in case I needed her again. On rare occasions, I would get up late in the night just so I could learn more about her and the silken moths of the north. She was turning out to be another amazing friend.

She told me about her brother, whose bracelet I wore. “Our parents were killed by humans, so he looked after me. He taught me everything. Fighting, coking, sewing… He was a great man. He was too defiant, however. He couldn’t live as a slave and so he… He sacrificed himself so that I and a few other silken moths could escape slavery.”

She also told me of her mother. “Ah! Another great woman! It is a strange thing, but you remind me very much of her, little queen, despite being many years younger than me. My mother was so calm and composed and loving, just like you! I always wished I could have taken after her. Perhaps then I would have some children and a husband! Alas, I would have been a mothman’s least favorite wife.”

I giggled at that.

But with happy times come sad times.

When Meridi had the guards knocked out, Paris completely bought the letter Meridi had placed next to one of them asking Paris to hand me over. Paul rallied the knights and went to clean out the Purjun woods. Before he left, I asked him if it would be possible to simply jail the wild mothmen, but Paul shook his head. He dried my tears when I cried at their gruesome fate. I had essentially killed them will my own actions.

“It’s for a greater good, My Lady.” Paul said and gave me a reassuring hug.

Paris, however, was all too happy when the guards found and dispatched the wild mothmen.

“You’ll be safe now, my love,” he said and kissed me on the forehead.

I spent many days reflecting over their deaths. I had never been responsible for anyone’s death, and I never planned to be. I prayed that God would forgive me.

There was also the sad matter of Gerta’s eggs. Paris had sat me down on our bed and knelt before me while he informed me, “I’m sorry, Mimi. The only way I could find to please the advisors concerning your sister was to send her and her eggs back to Ironwall. She’ll still be a well-taken care of slave working in the castle, but she can’t stay here. Please forgive me. It’s the only solution I could think of. Humans would notice if the slave population went over the known amount and it would only cause problems between humans and moths. There will be more food and comfort for her children in Ironwall anyway, and I promise I will give her an appropriate number of guards to get her safely there.”

I wept sorrowfully in his arms. I wondered if I would ever see her again. She was my last family member and I loved her immensely. It took me so long to appreciate Gerta’s amazing traits; her toughness, her bluntness, and her hardworking nature. Now that I had, I was losing her like the rest of my family.

I gave her the news in the kitchen and she was immediately set to crying. She unabashedly hugged me and cried, “Mimi, I’m sorry I was so mean to you. I love you more than anyone in the world now that I’ve actually taken the time to know you. Thank you for saving my eggs. I just wish you could meet them when they’re born.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t find a way for you to stay. I love you so much!” I told her with a sob.

She held me at arm’s length after a moment and looked upon me proudly while sniffling. “Look at you… You’ll change everything. Never give up this crazy scheme of yours. If anyone can accomplish it, it’s you. You’ve endured so much, and yet you’re still so good and sweet. I just hope it doesn’t get you into trouble.”

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She gave me two sisterly kisses on both cheeks before she set out on a wagon with six guards in tow.

I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful sister and for bringing us together after all this time.

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Yurenheim 181

Yurenheim continued to be very happy until Paris gave me awful news that changed everything.

“My darling…” He began, taking a bite of meat. “It has been many months and you are still not pregnant. I don’t think it’s possible between a human and moth.”

I dropped my fork—losing my appetite with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I breathed harshly and felt my heart thumping. Was it all over now?

“Are you going to divorce me?”

“Of course not!” He said hurriedly. “But… I need at least three children.”

I took a deep breath and placed a palm on my forehead with a hideous sob. “I want children so badly. I want your children. It’s always been one of my fondest dreams…”

Paris stopped eating and flew to my side. He easily lifted me into his arms and kissed my face repeatedly. “That’s all I want, too, but… I have to think of who will rule the kingdom should I die suddenly. My advisors have suggested a solution.”

I waited for him to continue while leaning my head on his shoulder.

“They propose a surrogate mother. She will have the children, but you will get to raise them and they will be yours and not hers.” Paris explained.

Time seemed to freeze as cold silence enveloped us. My face twisted into an expression of disgust and I struggled out of his embrace.

I was so angry I couldn’t even speak for a moment. Eventually I managed to spit, “you expect me to allow you to make love to another woman and then raise her children?”

“I told you, they will be yours. She will have no part in raising them and I will never see her again afterwards.” Paris tried to calm me down.

The thought made my stomach churn. “I thought you loved me!”

“I do love you!” Paris assured me. “But I have a kingdom to look after and…”

“You just…!” I spluttered furiously. “You just want another woman!”

Blackness seeped into his eyes and he countered, “your filthy culture allows your men to marry multiple women! I thought you would be fine with this idea!”

I choked on tears and turned away from him. “I am not a moth anymore! You have made me into a human wife! I can’t stand the thought of you kissing another woman! It’s repulsive!”

Paris embraced me from behind and kissed my neck. “You want me all to yourself?”

“Of course I do!” I replied. “But… But if that is the price for staying married to you, I will pay it.”

I felt like a rug to be stepped on saying it. I felt cowardly and weak. But it was too late to back out of relationship with him. I had already given him my heart.

Paris turned me around. His eyes were back to blue now. There was a long moment that passed between us while he looked sorrowfully upon my tears.

He said to me comfortingly, “I don’t want you to pay that price. I will try to reason with my advisors.”

I grinned through clenched teeth. “Truly?”

“Truly. Children are not worth having to me unless they take after you in some way.” Paris told me sincerely. “I do not want them to take after me.”

I was glad, but a seed of bitterness was planted within me that day. It was a difficult thing to describe. I had seen and suffered through so much, and yet this was the thing that made blackness enter my soul. Maybe it was because it was another corruption of one of my fondest dreams. Maybe I was just so angry because I was tired of being heartbroken and pushed around.

I gave him everything—including the respect and love of the people of Nui—and he was cruel enough to even suggest I raise another woman’s children.

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Potenheim 181

I wanted to make Paris pay for his suggestion. I stopped sleeping with him and avoided him where I could. It made him miserable, which I liked very much.

I heard him having a private meeting with his advisors one day.

“Your Majesty, this will not do! You need children. You either need to divorce her or have children with another woman!” His advisors said loudly.

“I love her. Does that mean nothing to you? I don’t want children if they aren’t hers.”

He was sweet. Any other king would have divorced me by now or gone with the surrogate idea, but he was doing what his wife wanted. But I was a wicked woman at that time.

All the while my thoughts were wandering.

They were wandering back to old dreams and desires.

They were wandering back to Caerwyn. I had never entirely gotten that man out of my head. My mind would often drift back to that moment when he placed his hands on either side of me and came close to kissing me. I would allow my thoughts to take that moment further, and on those days, I wanted nothing to do with Paris at all.

I was having many regrets about the past, despite being in a very happy moment in the present. I kept thinking how different my life had been if I had never been captured. I kept thinking how different it would have been if I could have spent my life with Caerwyn instead of Paris. Tantalizing desire was dragging me into a self-obsessed pit of despair.

I had wanted so many things in life, and I didn’t get a single one but for a husband—and it wasn’t the one I originally wanted.

All the while, I had all the love and respect from humans and moths alike because I had earned it. I toiled in their shops, I treated them beautifully, and I had even helped out homeless children and begged Paris to open an orphanage for them which I helped run.

Yes, they loved me. Without me, Paris would be a well-disliked king; a miserable drunk. And I played with the idea of telling the city that he was not royalty at all. Would they accept me as their queen if I did?

I fell into ever blacker and vain thoughts and behaviors. I ordered hideously expensive dresses to be made for me, I bought the most expensive jewels, and for a week, I did nothing but lounge in my quarters amongst my jewels, clothes, and other fineries. I was trying to recapture my old beauty—before I got an ugly scar.

I even asked Terry if he could use his miraculous healing powers to treat my scar. He tried and failed.

“Scars are forever, it seems…” Terry told me sadly.

I was tired of doing things for other people. It was my turn to be happy and selfish.

This trend in my disgusting behavior continued and worsened as Paris’ family paid a visit like they had promised.