Potenheim 181

The next day, I ventured forth from my quarters that were still separate from Paris’. Lately, I had been spending much more time sleeping in, but I wanted to see if Caerwyn was awake so I could speak with him privately. On the way there, I happened to walk past King Torr’s quarters and I heard him arguing with Peter.

“I want her. You told me I could have Nui if I wanted it. Well, I do want it. I want it and his queen.” Peter told Torr eagerly.

“I told you you could have it if he happened to be failing. As you saw, he is doing incredibly well.” Torr said with a sigh. “Besides, you are promised Ironwall, the much larger kingdom. I am surprised you want his wife so much. You always told me you found moths repulsive which is correct. There are plenty of human women who want you.”

“I don’t want them, I want this one.” Peter insisted.

I hurried past their quarters with my heart beating faster. God, I hoped they would not steal me away in the night.

I happened to run into Caerwyn just as he stepped outside his quarters—being a templar, he was disciplined to always get up very early. His eyes betrayed him again when he saw me. They lit up, and he couldn’t hold back a small smile. After a moment, however, he bowed to me like we were strangers again and he said, “good to see you, My Lady. Can I help you with anything?”

I frowned intensely. “Quit treating me like a stranger. Did you get my letter?”

Caerwyn was silent for a moment, and then answered slowly, “I did.”

“Then you’ll meet me later tonight?” I asked him hopefully.

Caerwyn dared to step closer to me and yet still resisted his desires. He said, while looking down, “I can’t.”

“Why?” I demanded furiously. “Tell me why.”

“I have my vows, and you have your husband. Nui is doing beautifully largely due to your influence, and Paris himself is doing well thanks to you. Why should you throw that away?” Caerwyn asked.

My heart was pounding. Pounding with lust and the fear that we might be caught. “You can’t deny you still have feelings for me.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, sweet girl. It is best for both of us that I not see you in private.” He said with much difficulty.

I took a deep, angry breath. “Don’t you want to know what it is like, for once in your life, to burn with some kind of desire? Have you none at all? Do you really want to live the rest of your life without my touch? Are you a gray creature after all?"

That sparked a fire in Caerwyn’s green eyes. For a moment, he wanted to prove me wrong. He reached out toward me and I held my breath.

But the spark left after a moment and he ended up enclosing his hand around the sapphire and kissing it instead of me. “I am making the right choice for both of us. I don’t care if I ever burn with desire. I am sorry. I will always love you from afar, My Queen.”

I glowered and said to him, “you will come to see me later. I know you will.”

And I left his company quickly before anyone saw us.

__

I had to spend the whole day with Paris and his family. We gave them a tour of castle Nui with me doing most of the talking and the four of them following. Every now and again, Paris would chime in and add something about a room I showed them, but otherwise, he was characteristically silent.

Peter shamelessly flirted with me right in front of Paris, and I knew Paris would be too frightened to do anything to stop him. His family had trained him to be that way. Raul stepped in before he did.

“That dress accentuates your curves so wonderfully,” Peter complimented me.

Paris had a dark expression but said nothing. Raul, on the other hand, intervened, “Peter, for God’s sake, Paris is standing right there.”

At dinner, I sat silently while looking down at my food and battled a war within myself. It was a war of duty and desire. A war of love and lust.

The problem was, I loved and lusted toward both men equally. It was a sick and perverse thing to want them both. I knew it would destroy Paris if he ever found out I loved another man as well as I loved him, but suddenly, I cared little for others and wanted everything for myself.

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And God help me, the thought of being caught only made the idea more alluring.

I knew if I hadn’t been forced to marry Paris—even though it ended up being a wonderful thing—I would have loved Caerwyn all his days. I would have convinced him to betray his vows and run away with me. That was the life I desired. A life away from other people and only living for myself. And here was my chance at it.

Love was losing to lust, and duty to desire.

“Right, my love?” Paris’ question brought me out of my reverie.

“What?” I asked.

“I said, the kingdom is only so wonderful and closely knit due to your efforts.” Paris said with a happy grin.

I looked down expressionlessly. “Right.”

__

Me, Caerwyn, and Terry found time later in the day to reunite. Caerwyn grinned widely at seeing his old squire and gave him a hug. “You look well, Terry!”

Terry nodded eagerly. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I decided to become a knight rather than a templar! I thank Mimi for that! Having such a fine lady to pledge myself to has really shaped me up! And you, Caerwyn? How was the pilgrimage?”

“Oh, it was fine… I missed you two a lot.” He said wistfully and gazed upon me and Terry with nothing but love and affection.

Things were just so comfortable with the three of us. It was like being among family. I wanted to tell Caerwyn everything that had happened since he had gone, but I was worried someone might be listening and only told him things that wouldn’t incriminate me for treason.

__

I had Paul arrange the guards so that there would be none in the garden that night, and I asked him what their routes were inside the castle.

“Why such strange requests, My Lady?” Paul asked.

I lied and said, “I’ve been having trouble sleeping of late, and I don’t want any guards reporting to Paris and having him worry about it. Walking in the garden clears my mind.”

He paused for a moment, but then said, “very well.”

__

I sat in the garden—wearing the dress Caerwyn got for me from so long ago--and waited for him. My legs dangled off a stone bench as I gazed upon a garden of roses ahead of me. The whether was hot, and cicadas were chirping noisily.

He was not on time, but I still waited, all the while my mind was taking that kiss he had almost given me further and further until I could think of nothing else.

He was an hour late, but he eventually walked out of the open arch leading to the garden.

We were silent for a moment as we locked eyes.

I said with relieved tears in my eyes, “I knew you’d come.”

“You kept the dress.” Caerwyn commented with a smile.

“Of course I did. You gave it to me.” I replied.

After a moment of silence, he approached me and knelt before me. “I have only come to say goodbye. I’ll leave early tomorrow.”

“What?” I cried in horror. “I know this isn’t what you want. You know it isn’t, too. Stay here with me. Be my guard like you promised."

Caerwyn shook his head. “Forgive me. I will do no such thing.”

I wasn’t thinking. My head was hot with worry that he would leave and I would forever lose my chance at that kiss.

I threw my arms around him while he knelt and broke his vows while planting a kiss on his lips. It was a slow kiss at first, and then more aggressive when my kiss made him forget himself and he kissed me back.

He managed to get ahold of himself after a moment and took his hands and lips away.

I looked at him in disappointment and saw, with horror in my eyes, Paris standing behind him in the arch.

Caerwyn followed my gaze—looking behind us--and was stunned to see him as well.

“Paris, wait!” I cried, but he had already turned and left.

The garden was suddenly frozen in fear, frustration, anger, and sadness.

Caerwyn turned to me with the most pained look I had ever seen on his face. Tears glistened in his green eyes. “I have broken my vows and turned my back on God.”

He stood up silently and bowed to me. “Forgive me, My Lady. I have failed us both.”

“It isn’t your fault; it’s mine.” I said to him sincerely.

I stood up after him and breathed in deeply as he came to my side. I put a hand on his cheek. “None of this is your fault. God will forgive you.”

He couldn’t help himself. He kissed my face a few more times, and between them said, “we both did this. I wanted to, or wouldn’t have come at all. I am an evil man… I have ruined your marriage and turned my back on God in pursuit of ugly desires. But we could run away together—we could live in peace apart from all this. It’s already over for me, anyway.”

He continued kissing my tear-streaked cheeks lovingly, and I wanted to take him up on that offer. Nothing sounded more tantalizing.

But duty had won that fight long ago, despite desire making a resurgence. “I want you to leave early tomorrow, Caerwyn. I want you to be safe from his wrath. I shall take it all upon myself. It’s what I deserve.”

“Mimi, no! We both did this—our only assurance for safety is for both of us to run!” Caerwyn insisted.

I shook my head. “No. I must stay. You will go, Caerwyn. It will be like this never happened, and you can still be a templar. I know… I know being a templar—sticking to your convictions—I know that without that you are a broken man.”

“I refuse to leave you at the hands of a dangerous man. I will carry you out of here if I must.” Caerwyn refused and easily lifted me into his arms—threatening to carry me out of Nui.

“Put me down!” I demanded. “I can’t leave him. I can’t leave my people. Please just do as I ask! Know that I will always love you as well.”

Caerwyn begged me many more times to allow him to take me away, but I would not allow it. Eventually, he realized I would not be swayed, and he finally after much difficulty and swallowing oncoming tears agreed to leave me.

His last words were, “even now, you think of me over yourself. What a precious angel you are. I pray God will forgive us. I know He will forgive you—you have been nothing but good all your life…”

He looked at me intensely and placed a hand on my cheek. I kissed his palm affectionately, and then he left.

I was left alone to reflect on what I had done.

I had no idea what I would do; Paris was entirely within his rights to divorce me. He might start drinking and kill me, or the black eyes might take him with the same result.