Envenheim 182

And so here I am again, my diary. A captive for the third time in my life riding in a carriage with a man I hate back to Ironwall. I’m so sick and tired of being helpless. I’m so sick and tired of always being worried; of always feeling nervous and afraid—of being treated like property.

I’m sick and tired of always being kind when others never return the favor.

You’re a fool if you expect other people to be as decent as you… Meridi’s voice echoed in my mind as we rode through Nui to the west where Ironwall lay.

God, she was right. What was the point of being decent? It had gotten me nowhere. Cruelty always won in the end. It had gotten Peter and King Torr everything they wanted in so little time, whereas being kind only got me something within an entire year’s time, only to have it taken away immediately.

Peter.

There was never a man or woman in my entire life who I had met who I thought had no redeeming qualities. None but Peter.

The man seemed to have no heart, no soul. He had no compassion or love in his heart for anything or anyone, least of all me—a moth girl who he considered to be property.

Rain pattered heavily down upon the roof of the carriage as he sat across from me and I avoided his gaze as best I could. I supposed Peter really didn’t care who had Nui after all, so long as it wasn’t Paris. I guess he couldn’t stand the idea of Paris being loved as a king more than Peter was as a prince/

Peter told me with a smirk, “you’ll be such a fine mistress.”

I looked down expressionlessly. I saw the ruby ring Paris had bought for me with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Sadness welled in my eyes and I sniffled. I missed him so much already. I couldn’t believe the last words I had said to him.

“Cheer up, beast. Being my whore will be far better than being my worthless brother’s wife.” Peter mocked me heartlessly.

“Shall we get started now?”

I barely heard him. I had withdrawn from the situation.

I looked up silently and met his cruel eyes. All I could say was, “no woman would ever love to be your mistress--much less your wife. You’re pathetic.”

“I’ll change your mind.” He kissed me and held me there by pinning two of my arms against the carriage until I bit his lip, pushed him away with my other two arms and swung the door of the carriage open--unafraid for my own safety and thinking that nothing could be worse than being this man’s slave.

I ran away as fast as my legs could carry me from the marching army of Ironwall.

Many soldiers saw me running and immediately gave chase.

I heard Peter yell with a low growl, “grab that whore! Bring her to me unharmed!”

There was nowhere to hide. There was nothing but green plains for miles around. There were no thickets, no forests, no mountains—nothing. And so I simply kept running in the opposite direction of the soldiers. The grass was wet from the heavy rain and was freezing my ankles.

The rain went from heavy to abnormally heavy and water dropped mercilessly down onto my fur and froze it. With the on pour came a mist which obscured me from the soldiers, which I was grateful for.

I could hear armor clinking behind me, but I could no longer spot the soldiers due to the mist.

This might be my one chance at escape. I pushed myself to run faster—all the while I heard yelling behind me over the pouring rain.

“You best come back, beast. The only thing the prince treats worse than his playthings, is his soldiers when he gets bored of his playthings.” One of them said through the heavy rain.

I screwed my eyes shut and tried not to think of my fate if I were caught. I pushed my sore legs harder.

“I can’t see a damn thing. Maybe if we just wounded her…” One of the soldiers suggested.

“You never wound one of the prince’s playthings. He’ll have your head. He does plenty of that himself.” Another interrupted.

I kept running with my heart thumping in my ears. I couldn’t see where I was going through the mist and I slid on wet mud and tumbled down a short, grassy incline—twisting my ankle.

I gasped and breathed harshly. Fearful tears graced my eyes as my heart pounded ever louder in my ears.

“Did you hear that? I think she fell! This way!” I heard another soldier say.

I pushed myself to my feet through sheer force of will and my ankle stung as I attempted to continue trotting. I heard the soldiers’ clinking armor as they slid down the incline after me.

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I felt my leg splash through water that I could not see and realized I must be by a river.

The clinking armor was getting closer, and still I pushed myself to run as fast as I could.

“There’s nowhere to hide, beast. You may as well come back. If you behave, Peter won’t hurt you as much.” A knight promised me.

I shivered as rain fell in my eyes and I slipped and fell forward. I closed my eyes and cursed with my heart aching from grief.

I lay there for a moment and realized it was over.

In a moment, I was surrounded by six soldiers of Ironwall who hauled me to my feet and carried me easily back to Peter.

To get revenge on me, he had his soldiers hold me still while he kissed me uninterrupted for what felt like a horrendous and humiliating eternity.

“I see what Paris likes about you.” Peter said with a grin. “You’re soft, but you’ve got a mind of your own. How much work did it take to manipulate him into freeing the slaves in Nui? Of course you changed his mind using your body as all women do, but you managed to get into his head as well. How talented you must be to accomplish such a feat.”

With a motion of his hand, Peter commanded his soldiers to drop me to the ground, and then he hauled me to my feet and roughly held me close. “Let me see if there’s anything special about holding you in my arms.”

I trembled as he hugged me suffocatingly close.

“There is something special…” He whispered passionately. “There’s something very comforting about holding you.”

I had enough. With scream of rage I pushed him away with my four arms and I tried to run again but the soldiers had me surrounded and grabbed me easily.

Peter merely grinned. “She is feisty indeed! Why don’t you all have a go at her? You’ll see what I mean when you kiss her! She is soft like no other woman!”

My diary, my hand trembles as I write these wretched words down. I have so much trouble even daring to bring this moment back to mind. My feelings are indescribable about it. It was a mixture of horror, disgust, and shock at just how wrong I was about people. I always thought people were good deep down, regardless of how poorly they acted at times. It was the wishful thinking of that sweet fifteen-year-old girl who got left behind in that cage.

God, I was wrong. I was so wrong. People aren’t good deep down. They take what they desire, and they don’t care who they hurt.

I once thought that God made humans and moths imperfect because He wanted to see them rise above their base instincts. He gave them all the tools to do so, and I, like a fool, thought that humans and moths had indeed come to a point where they rose above their base instincts and became something greater than animals.

I was proved wrong that day.

Humans and moths are both filthy animals and I never should have had faith in them. To think I once thought they could get along; to think I loved them both at one point and had spent so much time trying to bring them together.

Yes, they passed me around--they didn't even need the prompting of the black eyes to do it. They kissed me and tore at my dress until I was nearly naked and shivering in the rain.

The men looked very shocked at what they had done to me when they came to their senses, and silence split the air as all of the soldiers frowned and looked horrified at what they just did.

They would never have my forgiveness and I hoped they would suffer as much as I would with this memory.

I can write no more.

__

Rulaheim 182

Peter pinned me against the wall in his quarters when we arrived at Castle Ironwall four months later. I stared ahead expressionlessly and could find no strength to fight back.

These quarters were gigantic compared to my quarters at Nui, but they were as tacky as Peter was and had an ugly striped, black rug adorning the floor. The room was a mess at the moment as the knights were told by Peter to merely dump all my belongings from Nui on the floor and then to leave us.

“You know,” he said to me with a hideous grin. “I think I’ll marry you. I think you’re the whore I want to keep for life.”

I said nothing, but I eyed my belongings out of the corner of my eye. I saw the tip of Terry’s sword peeking out from under a lot of dresses.

I moved away from him with a grin of my own and clasped my hands behind my back. “You’ll have to catch me first!”

I laid on the pile of clothes and he fell down after me, stroking my face roughly.

“You’re fun when you play hard to get.” Peter told me and kissed me.

His grunt fury pierced the air as I grabbed Terry’s sword and plunged it into his right arm. I ran for the door, swung it open, and made a sharp turn down the hall to my right.

Peter yelled at a soldier patrolling the hall to get me and then to fetch Terry.

I ran down the stairs to a lower level of the castle, but the guard had gained on me quickly and grabbed me around my torso.

I kicked him as hard as I could to no avail. He dragged me back to Peter who used his undamaged arm to slap me hard across the face.

I felt hopelessness overcome me, and I hung my head low while clenching my fists.

Terry arrived in a moment, bound in many chains and accompanied by several guards. The boy had several bruises and cuts of his own, and one of the guards shoved him forward toward Peter. “Heal him.”

I smiled at Terry tearfully.

No matter how bad things became, just seeing that kind boy made me happy. Terry smiled back at me momentarily as he realized I had used his sword to defend myself. He chuckled a little sadly. “You had it in you after all…”

“Heal me!” Peter screeched.

Terry made no move to do so.

The guards all pointed their lances threateningly at him, however, and I said to Terry, “just do it…”

Reluctantly, he did so. He hands glowed with otherworldly golden light and Peter’s deep wound was healed completely.

I reached out a hand to Terry. “Terry, it’s so good to see you--!”

Terry reach toward me, too, and he hand glowed with otherworldly light.

But he was hauled away again after that and I was locked the room alone with Peter. Terry’s sword was now out of reach and I did not know its location.

Peter stared at me silently, and I stared back fearlessly. “You’ll pay for that. I’m going to lock you in here forever, and you will only serve one purpose. I’ll return later—I have business to take care of.”

Peter opened the door and then locked it behind him.

He yelled at the guard outside, “no one will touch her but me, you understand? She is only mine from now on. Get me the best eunuch available to guard her door so I know no one else has touched her!”

I was locked in there for the rest of the day. I sat on the floor next to the bed and laid my head on it wordlessly and emotionlessly as rain pattered above my head.

I have tried so hard to have convictions, my diary. I have tried so hard to be faithful and passionate, and yet I have been made to suffer so unduly.

I have so little faith left.

I do not know why I even bother to write in you anymore, my diary. You are one of my surviving possessions, however. Perhaps God meant me to have you so that I may always have a friend.