“Alright, so you got my magazines?” the old man asked as Gizzy placed them down on the table in the makeshift gunsmithing setup he had made.
“Okay, first off, I lied to ya.”
“I swear it’s like you wanna die.”
“Getting close some days, I promise you that but not quite yet. I said the bullets in these guns were 14 parts of my soul. Turns out you can’t do that. A soul can only be split into 8 pieces. So the bottom 4 of each magazine are mine. The top 3 are not mine.”
“Who’s soul are they?”
“Old girlfriend of mine. Vile creature. Probably more evil than anything you’ve ever… well no you did get those artifacts so maybe you have met a few things worse… but she was damn bad. Still, taking a soul for ammo is pretty fucked up shit. So is stealing my guns and my soul to dissect them and make more so I don’t feel so bad about killing her with one and stealing her notes. I swore I’d never use them unless I had to, and unfortunately I had to and never got 2 of them back. So I’m glad I buried mine further down the clip. I don’t know what happens when you lose all your soul, but I’ve lost one of my bullets and didn’t feel a shred of joy or will to live till I dug it out and reloaded it. See, according to her notes, which I memorized and burned, when a living being comes to sentience, becomes self aware, it forms a soul. Man, machine, animal, anything smart enough to ask the question why do I exist, probably got one. Regardless of the soul, they each weigh 21 grams, and the moment you die, it vanishes. For some reason, a collected soul can be cut, but any piece less than 2.6 grams disappears as well. Don’t ask where they go, I can’t tell ya. So every soul gets you 40.5 grain weight of bullet of cut evenly and without any mistakes.”
“How the hell do you bottle or cut a soul?”
“You bottle it by drowning the person in mercury, and the mercury that blends with the soul turns solid and dark, like tungsten. If you weigh the mercury nugget, it’s heavier than mercury should be. You can cut it with a knife. It’s pretty soft stuff, melts easy too. Just don’t spill it or any drop under 40.5 grains of soul turns silver again and it’s back to lead. Won’t mix back in with the rest."
“Oh, it’s that easy, just make someone drink a gallon of mercury and then you can steal their soul and make ammo?” Gizzy said skeptically.
“You wanna juice me and start over, hear the same speech again, cuz it’s truth. Now if you made a bullet out of pure mercurial soul, it would melt in the barrel and be gone before you hit anything, so you gotta encase it in something. Tempered steel works well, doesn’t pop, you can cast it in lead or jacket it in copper dig it out later, redo the coating, load er back up. IF you can find the bullet. But you, missy, have glasses that can see them glow.
So for every 8 bullets, you need a human sacrifice. Great, I’ll just murder the crew and we’re set. Oh wait, right, that’s a problem.”
“Don’t you have about a dozen robots asleep in he basement supposedly alive and sentient?”
“Okay that’s still murder, and how do you drown a robot in mercury, they don’t even have lungs.”
“Well… maybe some of them do. You’re a creative gal, I’m sure you can make it work. Maybe you could just offer them 3 bullshit wishes and they’d give it to ya. Worked on me. I didn’t write the book, I just memorized it and burned it. Wasn’t a long book or complete either. You know about what I know. I’d like my guns back now, fully loaded.”
“I said if you told me the truth and how to make them, I’d give you your soul back. You get the 8 bottom bullets in a fancy box and I keep the guns and other 6.”
“Funny, how every time you deal with the devil you get that little trick at the end. But a deal is a deal. Always is. It better be a really nice box with a lock on it.”
“I would ask if there is a way to put the soul back in, but you’d have done that already and be carrying one gun with 6 bullets by now.”
“Seems to be a one directional transaction. I gotta tell ya, it never felt worth it.
...
“Nicole, I got a weird question for you and I think you’d be the one to ask.” Dee blurted entering the bridge as Nicole jumped and took her feet off the console, waving away the smoke, spilling her cereal and pretending to not be eating cereal and smoking a joint on the bridge.
“Sure, weird away. That’s my job.”
“Do I want lungs?”
“You’re gonna have to try that again, I may be losing my shit here.”
"I wanted skin, and obviously I wanted to feel it. I want real muscles and feeling there too. There’s the other obvious… the vagina.”
“Naturally we all want that.”
“And taste buds are a given, I wanna be able to consume food in some capacity. Do I really want lungs though? I mean, I have a moveable diaphragm that moves my chest automatically like breathing, that’s standard realism upgrades but like the idea of breathing is really weirding me out. Is is fun?”
“It’s kinda bad when you can’t. I mean not immediately, if you planned it like holding your breath is fine and doing other things, but when you suddenly can't unexpectedly, it’s real damn bad.”
“But like… do you ever actually enjoy breathing or is it just necessary?”
“I guess I never thought about it. you don’t really know you’re doing it till something reminds you.”
“So just upgrading my diaphragm response to new programs would be fine, I don’t need the actual lungs for anything fun or great?”
“Well…” Nicole said, scooping the joint into her pocket. “I don’t know if you’d really benefit since you don’t need it. What exactly is an upgraded diaphragm? You can't even get pregnant.”
“Well, um. During sex, Jack breathes heavier and I don’t. It seems like I’m not into it, like I’m bored.”
“Are you?”
“No, I’m having fun even without the… real vagina. But I probably look super bored since I’m not breathing heavy. I tried acting, but he thought I was having an anxiety attack or scared. So I gotta either upgrade my breathing simulator to work with sex or just get lungs, but the more I think about lungs the less I thin-” Nicole interrupted with a slight coughing fit. “See like that, that doesn’t seem fun. Food looks fun, a vagina sounds pretty great, the hearbeat is kinda nice and I needed the blood supply upgrade anyway so… if I skip lungs am I, like, cheating?”
“Dee, I’m gonna be honest with you. Right now I’m a little high and this is weird as hell to talk about. I have no idea what to say and you can’t even smoke weed so I’d maybe just not do the lungs and focus on the fun parts. You got the pre-requisites, the skin, the nervous system, the blood supply…lungs are kinda just there because we need oxygen for our brains. Why am I the lung expert again?” she said, looking confused.
“You can breathe air or water.”
“Oh right.” Nicole grinned. “I forgot that. I’m neat."
“Is breathing water great or anything?”
“Honestly, it feel like you’re dying the first few times you do it. Your body says: you can’t do that, you’ll die… and you have a panic attack until you realize you’re not dying and then it’s just kinda like normal breathing but heavier and wet.”
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“Yea, I don’t want that. Oh there’s Gizzy, gotta go.” She said rushing after her and chasing her down the hallway. “Hey Gizzy, old buddy.”
“Little busy, got some heavy shit to think about.”
“Okay but maybe for just one tiny little second if I could ask on the progress of the… uh, next upgrade?” she said biting her lip.
“It’s getting there.”
“It’s getting there or YOU’RE getting there, sorry, that’s a look of annoyance and I’m pissing you off. I’m just saying like if it’s a matter of you being busy maybe Jack could install it, I mean…” she smirked, rolling her eyes. “He’s gonna be handling it the most anyway, how hard can it be to… put a cootch in there?” she said as Gizzy took a deep breath and turned around, glaring back.
“This is some of the most sensitive tissue in the entire human body, with more nerve connections and receptors than your entire leg, and the human orgasm is one of the most complicated neurological actions the brain regularly has to process at once. We’re hotwiring that to a computer brain via spinal adaptor and using a remote activated phone app to dial in the sensations and artificially create the impulses that chemicals and hormones would normally do. You do realize that both pain and pleasure don’t exist outside the body or in any physical mass. It is just complex nerve signals of electricity in varying waves, pulses and combinations that decide whether you are getting a foot massage or having a leg sawed off. The difference in the signal going to the brain between absolute ecstasy and agonizing torture are just a few little tiny signal differences and Jack may be a hell of a killer, and he may know the human body enough to know what to sever or break in order to cripple or kill someone, but he’s not a real surgeon or programmer. The most computer savvy crew members besides me is you, who has never experienced being human, and Nicole, who is a slightly masochistic human fish hybrid whos specialty is video games and writing fanfic. Do you really want anyone other than me doing this wiring job, or me rushing it?”
“You know what, it’s fine. I actually am getting good at mouth stuff.”
“Try practicing the trick where it stays closed for a long time. I’m trying to decide if I should commit a series of up to 12 murders to potentially save the lives of millions over time. What do you have on your plate that’s really weighing on your stress, Dee?”
“I’mma be in the kitchen. You do your thing.”
...
Dee sat in the kitchen watching Brandy work a wok and wishing she could smell or taste something.
“So how hard is it to do the taste upgrade?” she asked.
“Not difficult. Most mechanics can do it in ten minutes.”
“Can you do it? Gizzy printed the kit from online sources but she’s… busy with some dark trolly-problem shit I don’t even wanna know about."
“I suppose that is doable.” She said while turning off the burner.
...
Dee sat in the lab as Brandy readied the tools and parted her hair.
“OW, son of a bitch, I wasn’t ready. You gotta let me turn off the skin nerves before you scalpel my scalp. Holy dick, you just jammed right into my headmeat.”
"I was unaware. Are you now ready?”
“Yeah, do it.” she huffed with an attitude.
“Your anatomy is very unusual.
“Thanks, it’s a disorder.”
“Humor and outbursts, sensory active human flesh. What is the purpose of this series of upgrades?”
“I wanna have a full relationship… or at least as full as possible. I know we’re always gonna have some weird limitations but hopefully I can make up for it with fancy shit human bitches can’t do.”
“You’re altering yourself radically to impress a human. You are aware there are numerous planets with high robot populations that recognize artificial sentience. Would you not be happier with another companion android?”
“You don’t just find it fascinating to think what you’re missing? What you could experience?”
“I am designed to please clients and make consumables, and modified to kill. I find the modification appalling and the companionship to be overdone. I enjoy food and drinks, I never seem to tire of the endless combinations and techniques. That is my remaining purpose and I am fully equipped for it.”
"Never just thought… damn he’s hot, I wish I could grab that ass and actually feel that ass if I did?”
“No.”
“Well I forget, you’re young, you’re probably like 2 years old.”
“577 days since sentience” she specified.
“Well, give it a few hundred years alone, you’ll start wondering all kinds of things about all kinds of things. And I’m already programmed to be kinky. Do you know who you’re modeled after?”
“It’s never been relevant. I am likely an amalgam of a number of people taken as samples and averaged out to the most versatile form customers find attractive where I was designed.”
“I’m just a totally dead ringer copy. There’s a human bitch that was more me than I am before I was built, and then I got stranded and the only robot body available was the titty roomba. Honestly, I’m just glad they bought me as a maid. I remember everything from before my merger from the drone’s experiences. That could have been way more traumatic than scrubbing floors and seeing Vinn walk through the halls naked and singing Nine Inch Nails. God, poor Nicole. How she can still walk is just mind blowing.”
“You will be unable to speak properly in a moment while I replace the tongue.”
“Thanks for the warning.” She said as Brandy disconnected the wire and her tongue went limp. She opened her mouth and Dee stared nervously as she brought out a large pair of hemostats and some scissors. The snipping sound was nauseating but brief as she traded tools for a syringe of glue and a UV heat gun. The blue light glowed on Brandy’s face as she cured the glue and checked her work. She went around back and reconnected the wires, applying dermal glue to the incision.
“You should be able to turn back on your nerves now, there is no more cutting or adhesion.” She informed.
“Oh wow, that’s weird. That’s weird as hell. I can feel my own teeth, is that normal?”
“The upgrade is designed to give rudimentary texture, taste and smell capability. You will adjust to it with time."
“Can I just… try food right away?” she asked.
“You can chew and taste but if you do not have a stomach upgrade I do not advise swallowing.”
“Hah, that’s what she said.”
“Who?”
“Nevermind. Human joke. Wow, a brand new tongue. Oh, I know exactly what I wanna put in my mouth first.” She chuckled, raising her eyebrows as Brandy looked confused.
...
The glass fizzed and slid to her hand as the pale urine-like color gleamed in the light of the bar.
“That’s a redbull and vodka?” she asked. “Why did I assume it was blue? Why is the can blue if the drink looks like pee?”
“I have no answers to these questions, other then yes. This is the correct drink.”
“I’m so excited. This is my favorite drink, you know… well, it’s Dee’s favorite drink and Gizzy loves them too, so if both of them, who agree on nothing, both love it, it has to be good.” She said taking a sip and immediately exhaling it out of her nose with a frozen face of baffled disappointment. “Tongue’s not working… that can't be right.”
“The product was tested successful and well packaged, I assure you the wiring was done right, it only plugs in one way.”
“Oh my god, give me something different. This has to be defective. You did make the drink right… right?”
“I’m a bar tending robot.”
“That’s a good point. Okay chocolate bar, everyone loves these from the vending machine. Oh damn, that’s amazing. Holy shit that’s great. That’s chocolate? No wonder Americans are so unhealthy. I wanna melt this and just pour it into my face hole.”
“A hot cocoa?”
“You can just do that? That’s an actual thing? Maybe it just needed calibration let me try the drink again. OOOOGGGH.” She hissed. “It’s even worse now. This just tastes like something my body would say don’t drink it, this is poison, not food. And it burns, is it supposed to burn?” Dee asked.
“Effervescence is often interpreted as a sharp cold burning, as well as the chemical burn of alcohol added.”
"It’s horrible. This is what I imagine drinking brain damage would taste like… oh, now I get it. Yeah, Gizzy would definitely like burning poison and self harm liquid. That actually checks out. Note to self, don’t consume anything Gizzy says is good. What about just the redbull or just the vodka alone?” she asked, receiving the can and a shot. She sipped the can and made a face of sadness. She sipped the shot back and immediately let it pour back into the shot glass.
“Both bad, worse together.” She wheezed. The old man sat beside her and took the vodka shot, kicking it back as she stared at him. “I spit that back out.”
“You’re a robot, you’re cleaner than the hookers I’ve swapped spit with. You think I care?”
“Who hurt you?” Dee asked. “Don’t answer that, I don’t want a list.”
“2 more and a couple of fried eggs, if you don’t mind, darling.” He said as Brandy smiled and began firing up the skillet. “So, that Gizzy of yours… how evil does she get?”
“I’m not sure I’d call her evil. Moody, Grumpy, definitely bitchy at times but evil is a bit of a stretch.”
“You sure you know her that well?”
“She saved me from a life of exile, she defended me, she helped me become more human purely because I asked… well, nagged her, but still. She didn’t have to.”
"She’s a killer who trained the killer you’re screwin, and she trained my son well enough that he remained the number one Surgeon on Amenthis for 35 years."
“I assumed you trained him.”
“I wasn’t the kind of father to stick around very long. 2 dead sons already, one accidental knock up. He was 3 before I knew I even had another bastard.”
“Just the most warm and gentle of old men, aren’t you. Like Santa Claus of he was a dick with bullets for a soul and no presents. Great place to be judging moral standing in others, truly.” Dee scoffed.
“I never said I was a good guy. Evil knows evil just as well as good does. You can sorta smell it in the air around them. Like Ozone and salt. You can almost taste it. You may notice that taste in the air now. He said sipping his beverage and suddenly shuttering into a violent coughing attack. Dee called the coms for help as he choked and pounded the table.
“SOMEONE HELP I DON’T KNOW MEDICINE. HE”S DYING!” she yelled as Brandy stood staring with a blank look, colder than the glasses she was casually cleaning. Gizzy slid into the table, jabbing him with a syringe of something and checking his eyes.
“We need to get him into the medlab.”