The artificial sunset on Delmar loomed in the orange background as a woman in a bath robe strutted her way to the door. She opened it and there stood a pale brunette with glowing blue eyes in a pizza delivery outfit.
“Gizzy, I know it’s you in a surrogate, why don’t you just call or take a taxi like a normal person?” asked the original human Dee, looking annoyed.
“This is a very strange favor to ask, is anyone else home?”
“Nope, Zeph is out of town, I’m rockin the penthouse solo.”
“Fantastic.” The surrogate Gizzy said walking in and setting down the pizza.
“Yeah, I guess, just come on in, make yourself at home.”
“Technically this IS my home. It’s my son’s house you’re living in rent free and I pay for his rent. So I actually own this place.”
“Are you kicking me out or giving me a speech about being a slut again?”
“Ironically no I’m sort of counting on the slut part. Now I know you’re not very smart but hear me out, this is complicated shit. I’ve dumbed it down as much as I can for you.”
“Cool.” Dee shrugged, grabbing some pizza.
“Okay so… I might have a business offer for you, that is in your line of work.”
“You want a custom sex tape and you don’t want anyone knowing you’re diddling yourself to that?”
“God no. Long story short, this is off the records and you can’t even mention this to me ever again because this is for someone else and I’m not connected to my hive, I just hacked my own drone, forget the details. You remember how you had that line of sex robots made so that everyone can pay you to rail your ass?”
“I’m familiar. I got screwed during that too. 3 fucking percent profit. I made 9 grand of that. Spent an entire day getting every inch of me scanned, signing wavers and forms and months later I get a check for 9k.”
“How would you like to make 900k for a similar experience but for one… let’s just say ‘lucky’ customer?”
“You have my attention.” She said nodding.
“I would like consent and participation for a DNA data transfer that would allow one single client alone privilege to grow some of your organs. Not the brain, nobody wants that.”
“So you wanna clone me for a client but without a brain?” she asked.
“Well, that would basically just be cloning you normally. My client has a Dee robot and he wants some upgrades with living tissue, and he has limited resources for medical cloning."
“By organs you mean the parts he wants to fuck, basically?”
“…yep. Pretty much.”
“Shit, for 900 grand I’ll fly out and fuck him myself.”
“Not what the customer wants. We just need your DNA data and consent, and due to some legal reasons the delivery method is cryptic as shit so there’s some illegal steps involved but nothing you can’t handle."
“Yea cool, whatever, clone my pussy. I won’t like… feel it or anything?”
“No, it’s not a remote hive-mind pussy… only I’m allowed to run those. I just need you to follow exact instructions because we can't communicate back and forth, this was a 1 way transfer and offer, and the rest will make sense in a minute. I’ve put the instructions on this burner phone, it WILL self destruct in 24 hours. So just plug it into anything. Tomorrow you need to make up some bullshit excuse to leave, go to the Delmar blood bank on 131stand Mixer street, tell them you need a full body scan and comprehensive bloodwork, form 331377 and pay them on a credit card. The number is provided on the phone. Then you ask for all the medical files copied on a personal drive, then go on your website and post that you are selling feet pics for 900 grand. Upload the data and wait 24 hours. Then use the same credit card to buy it. That will take money from several of my offshore accounts over the course of 30 days in random intervals that are not traceable.”
“Why feet pics?”
“I dunno. Who pays 900 grand for feet pics? Everyone will assume it was a typo and that you took it off after nobody wanted it. My client will hack the account and copy the data. Nobody will know anything and it will be so complicated and sketchy that nobody will believe you even if you told them.”
“Can we just admit this is for you?”
“It’s not for me!” Gizzy barked.
“Who pays 900 grand for DNA samples and scans… who would prefer to not be made public?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
“Look, if I told you who it was for it would be almost as weird as me, but I respect their privacy and you won’t understand it anyway."
“It’s you. It’s fine. I’m hot, I get it, you already pay for my housing and you don’t wanna bang the real me because your son is doing that and you don’t double dip the Dee, it’s perfectly normal. You got a secret human fetish, and I’m the only human pornstar you know who already sells her ass in rubber form, and you want the full human meaty experience without the awkward looks after.”
“It’s goddamn Jack.”
“Oh what the dick!?” Dee blurted. “JACK!? Actually, that does make sense, Vicki is such a vanilla bitch and he’d never cheat on her, and he knows me, so it would be weird but he got the robot and it’s not realistic enough. I totally get it now. Cheating loophole, doesn’t count because it’s a sex doll, and of course you would drop 900 grand for Jack. You know what, I’m glad it’s Jack. I was slightly weirded out that it was you. You do some… strange things with human bodies. Stranger things than Jack would.”
“Just agree and do the thing.”
“For 900 grand and Jack, I’ll go right now and do this shit. No problem.”
“Thanks. This is saving me so much awkward conversation in the future. See and this whole time I thought giving away that ass to everyone on the block and doing anything for money was a detrimental quality. Turns out it has rare benefits. So I’ll let you get to it. Thank for the consensual organ donations, you have a great night.”
“And thank you, for being rich and weird. Let’s never have this conversation again. Buh bye.”
“You can’t. I’ll have no memory of it and the evidence self destructs. You’ll just sound insane and confused as usual. Nice talking to ya, bye.” Surrogate Gizzy said, leaving and making her way back to the drone factory to self destruct in the parking lot.
...
“She agreed.” Robo-Dee said with disbelief. “She agreed to let us download her organs…”
“I may have sweetened the deal with some money but yes, she really is that much of a hoe. You may be a unique and intelligent moral being, but you are modeled after a straight up hoe-ass hoe. Real dumb, gold digging hoe, which for once came in handy.”
“I am so sorry she is dating your son.”
“Yeah. Honestly, if you knew him this wouldn’t shock you. Now let’s get to growing you a functional gyner. No dead people or grey organ donor consent needed."
“So could you theoretically just print a full Dee clone and put my brain in her head?”
“Unfortunately no, that would be convenient as hell and the first time she had one in there. The cloning machine isn’t like the ones I know back home, it’s magic alien tech. However, I can 3d print some medical supplies and some biomech scaffolding tissue and with a little work we can grow some hybrid biomech body parts. You’ll never be 100 percent human, more like 50/50, but the 50ish percent will be from a willing living human host you’re familiar with. It’s about to get weird.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a burden on you.”
“Yeah, me too, but it’s for Jack and his mental health so… just be glad you didn’t run off with someone I didn’t like. You’d be stuck like this. Now before we get carried away, let’s start simple and work up to more complex things. You’re gonna need more blood. That little bit of Delmarian blood keeping the skin alive is not going to cut it. You need a synthetic blood and lots of it, which means step number 1 is a heart.”
“What if I hate it like you do?” she cringed.
“Then we pitch that and go for a silent mechanical pump, which reminds me, I need your help removing my own heart for a silent mechanical pump. It’s mandatory given the situation.”
“Oh good. That’s… exciting.”
...
Jack strolled into the lab, looking for Gizzy and stopping suddenly when he found her sitting on the medical table with a nervous looking Dee unnecessarily gloved up and holding a scalpel.
“Jack, I’m not ready to be a nurse.” She said
“Uh, what the hell are you doing?” he asked Gizzy.
“Getting this stupid heart out. It’s driving me insane." She said while digging into her own abdomen with a clamp.
“Shouldn’t you be doing this under very trained professional assistance?”
“Like Doctor Nicole with her degree in game programming, heart surgeon Vinn with his license to practice military training, maybe the old fart we just got, or do you think your title of surgeon is literal and not just a code word on Amenthis for hired killer?"
“They have hospitals on some worlds.”
“Right, hey, I need help I’m an alien brain in a human body with zombie complications, can someone swap my heart out with a digital pump so I don’t go insane and I can sleep better? We just lead with that or should they do a case study first?”
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“It just seems ridiculous that you’re doing this yourself.” Jack said.
“I’m not. I have Dee helping. She speed read a medical textbook and I’m guiding her through the steps. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“You’re removing your own heart.”
“Jack, I don’t think you comprehend how loud this thing is. I’ve lived 15 thousand years with a constant hum in my chest, no jarring thump every few seconds and the surge of pressure shooting down my limbs. I don’t know if it’s something you get used to in the womb or if the Osirian to human brainstem connections are incorrectly adjusted, but when I try and sleep it feels like someone has a subwoofer under my back. I’m not used to this thing. I’m not adjustable. I’m burning through Klonopin like skittles to drown it out. It’s getting removed. Plus, with my healing boost and my undead characteristics, I could theoretically go 18 minutes with no heart at all before starting to die. We have time, it’s a simple swap out. Nurse, proceed.” She ordered as Dee gnashed her teeth and made a face, reaching under the rib and clamping the tubes.
“It’s so mushy.” She complained.
“Tell me about it. That’s the last connection, is it solid?” she asked Dee nodded. “Well alright, the pump is in place, just gotta…” she said reaching in with a combination cauterizing clamp and cutter, making a few snips. “Alright, take her out.” She breathed as Dee removed the heart, her jaw dropping as Jack blinked and leaned closer.
“That doesn’t match the books.” Dee said stepping back as it proceeded to beat harshly every few seconds.
“See, that doesn’t look right.” Gizzy noted. “That’s mutated as hell. That is enlarged, violently purple, growing a stem or something, a tail, I don’t even know. Is it a root looking for soil? I’m undead, not unburied.”
“Jesus, you weren’t kidding. Why is it still beating?”
“Because it won’t die. See Dee? This is why you don’t want my organs. It’s all mutating slowly.”
“I thought the drugs we gave you stopped the zombification.”
“Well, normally it would go to the brain very quickly and damage everything but it can’t cross the barrier and it can’t infect alien tech, so my brain is fine. The body doesn’t know how to handle it, the virus is dead but my body can't flush it out, so the regenerative aspect is adapting around it. It’s not a big deal, any part of the body that dies, I’ll just replace it. My brain doesn’t need blood and oxygen and shit to function. You know, most of the human body is just a brain and a meaty mechsuit that exists to keep the brain alive. Lungs provide oxygen to the blood, heart provides oxygenated blood to the brain, digestion exists for energy and everything else just keeps something else going. Osirian brains like mine can survive for 50 years removed from the body and drifting in space. So it doesn’t give a shit. The body is just extra crap to move around, and frankly it sucks. It’s inefficient, it’s overcomplicated, there’s too many chemicals in delicate balances to keep track of. I’m fine. Worst case scenario I just remove everything piece by piece until there’s nothing left to rot or mutate. This is why synthetic is better, why any robot would want to become the meat is baffling, but whatever.”
“It is fascinating though.” Dee said while poking the heart. “Once you get past the part where you’re reaching into someone else’s chest cavity thinking you might kill them. After that part’s over, it’s really fascinating.”
“You hybrids and your medical toys… I’m gonna take a shower and crash. I’ll see you in the morning."
“I’ll see you in a minute.” Dee smiled, looking at Gizzy and suppressing her smile.
...
Nicole sat down on the bed next to the old gunsmith, tinkering away with his pistol. He looked bothered, but he said nothing.
“Hi, so we haven’t really talked much yet. I’m the Captain, you and Gizzy had a little… disagreement about things.”
“Yeah, she basically told me anything that glows is her property and tried to keep my bullets.”
“Well you have to understand we have a very important mission that’s more than just us. It’s hard to explain, but it affects everyone, everywhere, and these glasses guide us.”
“That’s fine and dandy miss, but you gotta understand I got nothing but myself and my guns, and the guns don’t do shit without the bullets. These are not easy to come by. I didn’t make the bullets to go in my guns, I made these guns to use these bullets, and there’s only 14 of them.”
“How did you get them?” she asked.
“How did you get those glasses?”
“I mean what makes them so special, what do they do?”
“They do what bullets do, they kill things, they just do it better than anything else. Who you guys working for exactly?”
“Well, technically, this is gonna sound insane, but in a weird way… God? Fate? Destiny?”
“Well you can believe that if you like, but I believe my life depends on those bullets, and I don’t give them away. So you might wanna tell God to make some more of them, or have him explain why I’m giving mine up to a bunch of strangers claiming they need them more. If you’re on a mission from Destiny, you’ll get the bullets, won’t you? That’s how destiny works. Now if you’re wrong, then I just gave up something valuable I’ve kept safe for a long time. So you go ahead and follow your heart. You may be right. You may know something an old man doesn’t. But you gotta give me something more than just your word that you believe you’re doing the right thing by robbin my wrinkled ass of my weapons.”
“That’s a very fair point. Hard to believe what we’ve been through sometimes and we went through it. You just got here. We’re strangers who know we’re right, trying to get you to understand what we barely do. So… is there a compromise?”
“Sure. You think these bullets need to be on the ship or on your side, then you want me on your team carrying them. If I see that destiny or fate has a need for them, I’ll provide that service. I got nowhere to be but off that damn dusty world and nothing to do but decide what I wanna do. And right now, I would like a plate of hot food and a long story. The old man comes with the guns, and the bullets stay in the guns. So… tell me about this crazy shit I won’t believe and why you got a pair of glasses that lead you halfway across a galaxy to this here magazine. Because you assume I won’t believe you. But I got something hard to find that nobody knows about, and you aimed your ship like a rifle and landed it right next to that robot and said… there they are, that's got something special in it. You found a dead girl with my bullet in her that even I couldn’t track down, because your glasses put their crosshairs right on what was lost even to the guy who knows about them. Now THAT, little girl, is damn interesting. I would love to hear all about it.”
“You got about 2 hours? Or would you prefer to read the books Gizzy wrote detailing them?” she asked. “hardback or tablet?” she smirked.
...
Jack got out of the shower and noticed Dee staring lovingly at a large glass tank, wires and transparent skin illuminated by the underlight.
“You’re really replacing the skin? The one you have seems fine to me.”
“It’s generic. Retrofitted to work. This is real DNA, grown and with the right nerves in the right places. Jack, I’m gonna be so much more than I am now.”
“Don’t get too worked up or carried away with expectations. We may always have limitations and differences.”
“That’s just it, we don’t. I can just upgrade. I don’t need to be naturally grown to be happy, but I could have everything and extra, we could have less limitations than normal couples some day. I’ve been reading Gizzy’s notes, these aren’t just human organs, they’re grown over synthetic scaffolding and modified. This could be the best of both worlds. For both of us.” She smiled.
“I’m just glad to see you smiling and excited, but I don’t want you to set your expectations too impractical and crash when something isn’t quite what you expected. That’s all. Don’t get too far ahead, one step at a time, be patient, add, adjust, get used to something, then work on the next thing. Don’t over-plan, there’s always going to be bumps in the road that throw you off and all the plans change from there. One step at a time.” He insisted.
“Okay, I trust you. Can I ask something personal?”
“Anything you want.”
“What is Dee like in person? Do you think if there was never a Vicki, you might have ever ended up with her?”
“Honestly I would have said no, but after knowing you, I wonder that myself. I don’t know what parts of you are unique and what are just parts of her I never knew intimately. She had so many deal-breakers up front that I never considered if there was anything further down that made it worth it. OR, I guess I was so in love with Vicki that I didn’t notice any other women around me. Maybe you’re just the best of her and none of the baggage, maybe you’re just you and there’s nothing about her worth the trouble. Her list of exes would suggest that one. But they stuck around a while and I never knew why. I’m starting to understand why now, just not sure if it applies to her.”