Sophia should be coming home from school soon. I can’t wait to hug her and ask her how her day was! I bet she’s already ahead of everyone in class. Ilya says school is a fierce competition between every child, and since I’m the strongest adult, my kid’s going to be the strongest too! And even if she isn’t, she’s going to be the strongest anyway since Ilya’s the organizer of these schools. I’m sure she can pull a few strings to help Sophia out, mhm.

As for me, I’m stuck staring at the stupid, blinding, glowing door in the sky. Well, I don’t have to stare directly at it. Mm, I’m it’s guard. Ilya thinks more people are going to come here. Of course, they’re going to be weak people. If they were strong, I wouldn’t be waiting here for them to come through! At least, Ilya said they’d be weak…. They better be weak. Well, that’s if they even come at all. It’s a good thing I don’t have to stare at the door to guard it. Ilya said I could do other things as long as I paid attention to any alarms going off since she placed some noise-making formations up there.

So, what am I doing while guarding the door? Eh? What have I been doing these past five years since Sophia was born? That’s simple! I’ve been stuffing my face! This giant wok makes everything taste so delicious. I think I found my calling in life. Mhm, before, when I was a slave in the army, I never really thought about the future. I’d only think about filling my stomach at the time. When I found Durandal, I never really got to think about my future because I thought his training was going to kill me before I got to see what the future looked like. Then, I became empress of the little pocket realm, and life was going super swell! But I didn’t achieve my goal of having kids…. It’s only now that I’ve reached my goal—just partially, I still want at least a thousand more kids—and after reaching my goal, I realize there’s more to life than wanting kids. There’s good food too! Making it, eating it, both are fun!

“I’m going to be the best chef ever. Going to be the bestest, best chef ever. La, la, la. Best Chef Lucia Fluffytail cooking a giant … umbrella? Wait, no, this is a mushroom.” Sometimes, mushrooms look like umbrellas. Or maybe umbrellas look like mushrooms. Ahem, anyway, I’m cooking one right now! I had Mirta grow it for me. She’s growing a whole bunch of exotic plants; I heard one of them is a mushroom that eats people’s legs. There’s no way it could actually do that though, right? Plants don’t eat people, hah. Ah? Why am I suddenly focused on eating plants instead of meat? This is a secret I found out; it’s extremely shocking. Meat … can taste better when you add some plants to it. Shocking, right!? I was so surprised when I found out. Speaking of which, I found out because Ilya told me spices are made from dead plants. Isn’t that unbelievable too?

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

Mm? Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something like guarding the gate? I totally am! I’m just supposed to wait and listen for the formations up there to make some noise. Ilya said the people could come through at any time. Apparently, people didn’t come through earlier because the door was buried in the ground. It’s a good thing I didn’t go through after my tribulation, or I would’ve suffocated! Due to something or some other thing, the door was exposed, and people are more likely to come through now. Eh? Why does that affect me? Simple! I’m the owner of that door! I made it myself! Anyone who steps through must pay a toll. What do the formations up there sound like anyway?

Phweeet! Phweeet! Phweeet!

What’s that irritating noise!? I’m trying to think here! Let’s see…. Where was I? Right. The alarms. What kind of noise would they make? They’d have to be loud and irritating, enough to distract me from—

Phweeet! Phweeet! Phweeet!

Gah! Shut up! I’m going to break whatever’s making that sound! Where’s it coming from!? Above…? Oh! That’s the alarm! The alarm’s going off, but there’s nothing up there. …Why isn’t there anything up there? Could it be … a ghost!? Well, ghosts aren’t that scary, actually. Oh, wait, there’s something floating down. Ashes? Ilya did mention something else about the formations up there, but I wasn’t really listening…. It’s a good thing she sent me a recording, so I can listen to it again! Where’d I put it?

…

…

…

Well, seems like it’s gone. Oh wells! I’ll ask Ilya about it later. The noise stopped too. Back to cooking. Mm? Why aren’t I cultivating? Why should I cultivate? I’m already the strongest person in the world, and it’s not like cultivating more will make Durandal come out of his sword. There is absolutely no reason for me to get stronger at all! There’s no point in getting strong just for the sake of getting strong. What am I supposed to do with all this strength when I get it? Beat up immortals? For what? Exactly. There’s nothing to do except enjoy good food. Why don’t I skip the tedious process of training and skip straight to the enjoyment of good food?

Ah? It’s Softie! There’s two people in orange robes following her. Monks? Eh, it doesn’t matter; I don’t know them. “Hey, Softie, c’mere! I’m roasting this giant umbrella! Err, mushroom! I’m roasting this giant mushroom, and I’d bet you like it!”

“Greetings, Sect Leader Lucia,” Softie said and cupped her hands for some reason. Why was she being so formal? Were those monks important? “I was taking these two on a tour around the Shadow Devil Sect. They’ve decided to join us our sect.”

“Yeah, yeah, here.” Why’s she going on about random people? I just want to see what she thinks of my food! If she likes it, I’m going to feed it to Sophia tonight. “Try it! Tell me what you think. You two too, don’t be shy.”