It was dark but they knew the way. Adrian led Reya, the lack of light not impeding him in the slightest. She often wondered how he had the unerring ability to move around at night. It was uncanny at times. Yet he always got them safely to their destination, helping Reya over and around obstacles. Patiently, gently, he always made sure she was safe. Even though she couldn’t see very well, she trusted in Adrian to get her to their destination without harm. He always did.
Attached to her hip was a flare gun. Jyn had been convinced to allow Reya to hold onto one for emergency purposes only. Adrian was shown how it functioned. Once. That was all Jyn allowed. Still, it was enough for him. Adrian was confident in what to do should ever he need to operate the gun.
As they ascended the path, the mountain floor beneath them grew out flat. Carefully, they made their way to their usual spot. It was far enough away from the cliff side so that falling didn’t pose a problem. Settling into their nook in the rock, the pair lounged against each other, stretched out. Reya wrapped her arms around him, holding onto him protectively.
The day’s events had been hard on both of them. Neither had been expecting the revelation that video footage of their suffering existed. Neither of them had been ready for what they saw. Adrian cried softly in her arms, the most deeply affected by what he’d seen. Reya let him be, knowing that this was something he needed to work through on his own. He’d talk once he was ready.
Tears rimmed her eyes as well but she held them in. It wouldn’t do to have both of them reduced to blubbering messes. One of them had to stay strong. She looked at Adrian again. This time it would have to be her.
It took some time, but eventually Adrian calmed. “Thank you,” he said. “For being there for me when I needed it. I know today wasn’t easy on you either.”
“I’m always there for you,” Reya said. Adrian nestled into her in response. Pressed against her breast, he took solace in her presence. He was more than content to remain silent, still lost in his memories. “Going through that must have been horrendous. Thank goodness it was only the one time.”
Adrian shook his head. “It wasn’t just once,” he whispered hoarsely, alarming Reya. “They did it so many times,” he whimpered in her arms. Reya stared at him blankly, trying to imagine going through the experiment multiple times. “What did I do to deserve that?” Adrian continued. “That was my driving thought that I clung to stay sane. They did something to my brain, you know. Ever since, I’ve felt different. That question grounded me just enough and whatever they did took care of the rest. I feel it, Reya. The way I think is different. I’m not sure how to explain it.”
“What happened, Adrian?” Reya asked softly. “What did they do to you? Do you remember what they did to you?”
“Every detail since they modified my brain. Before that it’s kind of hazy. I can feel that my mind has blocked out certain parts and it terrifies me. What happens when I remember? Reya, they did so many things to me. I don’t even know what I am any more. In my dreams I relive my memories, detail by detail. The one that comes to me may be random but I always know what happened before and what happens next. Except one part. I have no idea how much time passed at one point as I floated along, barely aware. Everything is a haze of pain. Different levels of it. Everything’s all jumbled so I’m having trouble piecing it together. I know it’s related that video. I recognized some of the details and it felt like I was really there, strapped on that operating table as they did that to me.” Adrian began crying in earnest, unable to hold his tears back any longer. “If I tell you what they truly did, how would you see me? Would you still see me as a person or just an unfortunate freak of nature? You don’t understand what that question means to me. I’ve changed so much. I can feel it. How much of me is still me? What have I become? What does it mean to know? Please, Reya, ask me anything but that. I’ll answer one thing truthfully, but that’s all I can handle right now. What is it you want to know?”
Reya held Adrian, astounded by his answer. He wouldn’t tell her the whole truth, but would show her one part of it. She had to choose carefully. “You’re sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Reya tried one last time.
“I’m positive. I want you to see me for me. Not what they did to me.”
“Alright, let me think.” Reya knew she couldn’t ask for something outrageous like his biggest fear or what the worst thing they did to him was. That would be overstepping. He clearly wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Adrian had mentioned that his brain had been modified. While she wanted to know about that, there was something else she wanted to know. Adrian’s heart beat differently, to an alien rhythm that deeply concerned Reya. It was something she’d noticed by resting her head on his chest. He was clearly fine, but she wanted to know more about it. “Why does your heart beat differently?”
Adrian’s breath hitched. “Out of everything, you pick that? I was hoping you hadn’t noticed.”
“I noticed,” Reya confirmed. “I’m worried, Adrian. What’s wrong with you? Are you going to be alright if we leave things as they are? Kell could take a look to make sure it isn’t serious.” She knew that Adrian didn’t want anybody studying him, but her worry about his health took priority. She didn’t want there to be anything wrong with him, but knew that there was.
“Oh god, you have no idea what you’re asking me to talk about.” He rubbed his face in his hands. “I know exactly what’s wrong. I was hoping you would never ask about this. Are you sure you want to know? I have every detail literally etched in my mind.”
“Adrian, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Reya understood that talking about his trauma was difficult and decided to give him space.
“No,” he said firmly. “I promised. I’ll answer, but are you really sure you want to know?”
Reya tightened her grip on him. “Yes,” she said. “I want to know. I want to learn more about you.” She cupped Adrian’s cheek with her hand, stealing his attention. His hand joined over hers as he leaned into her touch. “You don’t need to be alone anymore.”
Adrian took a deep breath. “This story doesn’t end well. It’s not pleasant. There is nothing good about it.” He shuddered. “I was in my cell, a white room with a few amenities,” he started, “when suddenly these little flying balls entered the room.” He went on to explain how he was drugged. He pointed out the scars he got from being loaded onto a floating platform of metal that would then rise off the ground and follow the gru’ul that loaded him. “I remember the lights,” he said, “How they blinded me as they passed by over head. I didn’t know where we were going. I was too preoccupied on the fact that I couldn’t move nor feel anything while I lay there. My fear grew with each passing light.”
Reya remained silent as she absorbed the details, trying to visualize the scene as Adrian described it. Adrian was determined to walk her through every detail, describing the operating table he was stripped and placed on. He then went on to describe the machines they hooked him up to. “I felt my heart stop beating. Right before it beat for the last time, I knew it. That was the last time it would ever beat. And then the machine forced it back to life. They kept me alive, I’ll give them that. I have no idea how they managed.”
Adrian described the scalpel that cut into his chest and sliced him open. He walked her through when they removed his sternum and put it aside for later. Adrian squirmed, finding the next part difficult to talk about. “As I lay there, my organs exposed, the gru’ul took its claws and caressed my heart. I wasn’t able to feel much beyond the most basic of sensations, but I felt that.”
“What happened next?” Reya whispered, trying to comprehend.
“They carved my heart out of my chest while leaving me awake. Reached in and pulled it out for me to see, covered in blood as it was. There was a gaping hole in my chest where it used to be. I thought I was going to die on that operating table. How do you live without a heart? Turns out, not even they had an answer to that.”
“What do you mean?”
“After they removed my heart, they brought something over and inserted it into my chest. It was my new heart. They stitched it in and then reconnected it.”
Reya lay in stunned silence at the revelation. “They replaced your heart!?”
“Yes. That’s not all they did to me that day. You’ve seen the large scar running down my chest and some of the other bigger ones I have. Once they were done with my heart, they did the rest. They cut free every single organ in my body and replaced it with something different. My lungs were removed one at a time. My kidneys and liver went too. Everything. I was an empty husk, kept alive solely by the machinery they had me connected to. It took them hours to put everything inside of me. I don’t know what the new organs do.”
Reya’s breath hitched. “That’s impossible. There’s no way you’d survive that.”
Adrian laughed weakly. “I did. Once everything was properly connected, my sternum was reinserted and I was closed up. They dumped me on the floor of my cell where I waited for the anesthetic to wear off. That was all I got in the way of pain killers. I was forced to recover without anything to manage the pain. It was crippling. Nothing felt right inside me as I lay there, unable to move.”
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Reya didn’t know what to say. “I’m so sorry,” she said with tears in her eyes. “You shouldn’t have had to go through something like that.” Adrian sniffed and buried his head in her chest. Reya stroked his hair gently. “That’s just one thing among many, isn’t it? Out of the horrors they did to you.”
“Yes,” he whispered. “Already with just this, you see how much they’ve changed me. I don’t want to know the full extent of it.” Reya’s sweater wicked away his tears. For a long while, they remained there, each one lost in their own thoughts. Adrian waited nervously for Reya to say something, anything. Her reaction was important to him and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle her pushing him away because of what she’d learned.
“Is that why you eat so much?” Reya asked finally.
The question surprised Adrian. “I don’t know if it’s because of the new organs or something else they did to me. I never used to eat that much before,” he said. Reya shifted and Adrian pushed himself up. Wordlessly, they changed roles, Reya now the one wrapped in Adrian’s arms, leaning into him. Settling back into a comfortable position, they continued to discuss the operation.
“That video was hard to watch,” Reya said. “It was awful, knowing that you were in that much pain and that there’s nothing I can do about it. Am I self-centered if it reminded me of my own time in captivity? When I heard your screams, my own joined them in my head. and for a moment I was back there in my cell.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. If what they did to you is anything like what they did to me, I get it.”
“It hurt so much,” Reya trembled.
“I know.”
“It was awful.”
“I know.”
“You’re the only one that does. The others…” she trailed off. “They try, but I know they’ll never fully get it. That level of pain isn’t something you can make them understand. Gods, I hope they never do.”
“It’s one of those confusing things. You want somebody to understand, but don’t wish the pain upon them. Yet the only way for them to know is to experience it for themselves. And it makes you secretly happy to have somebody who does, even though you know it means that they suffered immensely.”
Reya nodded. “Does that make me a bad person?”
“If it does, then we’re both bad people. It eats at me, knowing you got hurt worse than anything you’ll ever know. I feel so helpless sometimes. How could I stand to have one of the most important people in my life go through that?”
“It’s the same for me. I don’t want anything more to happen to you. You’ve already been through so much. All I want is for you to be safe and free from harm.”
“Why?” Adrian whispered softly. “Why do you care so much?”
Reya turned her head upward slightly. “You’re important to me,” she fumbled. “It’s just – I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t stand the thought of you suffering. You being in pain hurts me. I want you to be happy again, to learn that there’s more to life than pain and suffering. You deserve more than I can give you.”
“You’ve already given me so much,” Adrian said gently, brushing a strand of Reya’s hair out of her face. “For the first time, I feel like there’s somebody on my side. You care about me in ways nobody else does. You make me feel like a person again.” His thumb trailed her face. “You make me feel loved,” he said tenderly. His face slowly approached hers, the distance between them shrinking.
Reya snaked an arm up his chest and caressed his face. “That’s because I do love you,” she said quietly. Her hand went behind his head and applied a gentle pressure, urging him closer. Adrian leaned in until their lips were almost touching. Reya closed the remaining distance and their lips met for the first time.
Adrian leaned into the kiss. Using his lips, he conveyed to her his feelings. His love. His desire. All in a tender touch. Reya pushed her body closer towards him and slowly parted her lips. Their kiss grew deeper as the world around them fell away. They existed in a place just for the two of them. Their nightmares and memories were staved off by the warmth of the flame that kindled against the dark.
The flame grew and their kisses turned hungry. There was too much space between them. Their bodies pressed against one another, their clothes the only layer separating them. Adrian’s arm wrapped around Reya’s waist while hers went around his neck. They didn’t let go of one another as time ceased to exist. Eyes closed, they drank in the other, finally feeling as if they had a place to belong.
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Tassie and Rann sat on the back porch. “Do you want to talk about it?” Rann asked. She knew that the information was classified but there had to be something that she could talk about that might shed some light on the situation.
Tassie hesitated, before finally speaking. “They found of video of one of Adrian’s experiments. It was awful. I’m never going to unhear it. By the gods how I pity that man for having lived through that. That’s all I can say about the topic.”
“It was that bad? What on Verilia did they do to him?”
“I can’t say. You need permission from the General in order to know. If you do somehow get it, don’t watch the video. Just don’t. Leave Adrian his dignity. That’s not something anybody deserves to see. If you must, ask his permission first. You owe him that much, trust me. I didn’t understand when Irric told me, but now I do.”
“And it’s whatever they did to him that’s causing the three of you to act this way?” Rann asked. Tassie nodded her head. “By the gods, then I don’t want to know!” she exclaimed. “I’m curious, I’ll admit. That doesn’t mean I want to turn into whatever watching it did to you. Seriously, Tassie, the rest of us are worried. Even Jyn.”
“Gods, Rann, I truly hope you never view the video in its entirety. It’s sickening. You should’ve seen Adrian after we were done watching it. He was a wreck. Reya too, for that matter. I think they’re related. The experiment they did on Adrian and what they did to Reya when she was captured.”
“You’re telling me Reya also underwent something similar to what they did to Adrian?”
“I’ve already said too much,” Tassie said, refusing to say more.
“You can’t stop there!” Rann protested. “That’s not fair.”
“Rann, I can only tell you if the General gives you permission. Please ask her, but don’t be surprised if she refuses.”
“And does whatever it is you found relate to your new work?”
“No comment.”
“So there is a relation!”
“No comment.”
“Come on, Tassie. Is that really all you can tell me?”
“Yes,” Tassie said firmly. “Now stop asking.”
“Fine,” Rann said. The door behind them opened and Jyn stepped out. He regarded the girls curiously, before asking if they’d seen Reya and Adrian. “No, we haven’t, why?”
“They’ve been gone quite a while. I know you’re going to get on my case about keeping track of their movements, but in this case I’m beginning to get worried. It’s really late. Is it possible that something happened to them?” he asked.
“That’s why we’re here,” Tassie explained. “We know what direction they went in, so we’re watching the skyline for flares.”
“How do you know what direction they went in? Don’t they normally come in through the front?”
“They don’t want to drag dirt inside across the house when they go to the kitchen, so they walk around,” Rann explained.
“They always go that way,” Tassie pointed. “I can’t imagine they’d choose a new path this late at night. We haven’t seen any flares yet.”
“Do you know how far they went?”
“No,” Rann said. “They could be anywhere out there.”
“This isn’t good,” Jyn fretted. “What if something happens to Reya?”
“What about Adrian?” Tassie cocked a brow.
“As long as he’s alive, I guess.”
Tassie let out a low whistle. “You really hate the guy, don’t you? What’d he ever do to you?”
“Hey, I actually want him to return safely this time!” Jyn protested.
“No, you want Reya to return safely. Don’t you think Adrian deserves the same level of worry?”
Jyn looked away, disappointing Tassie.
A rustle in the tree line caught everyone’s attention. Adrian and Reya emerged from the forest, holding hands. They were having a quiet conversation and noticed the others waiting for them. They walked up to the group and greeted them, hands still joined. They both looked slightly nervous, but happy.
“Oh good, you’re back,” Jyn said with relief. “I was starting to get worried. Please tell us next time if you plan to stay out that late.”
“We didn’t think we’d been gone so long,” Reya said, feeling bad.
“What were you doing for so long?”
“We went on a walk,” Adrian said.
“For so many hours, this late at night?”
“Darkness doesn’t bother me, Jyn,” Adrian chuckled darkly.
“It’s dangerous!” Jyn chastised. He turned towards Reya. “What if you tripped and hurt yourself? We wouldn’t have been able to find you!”
“Impossible,” Adrian said confidently.
“You insufferable – it’s dangerous for Reya!” Jyn threw at him.
“It’s ok, Jyn. I trust him to guide me safely.”
“You’re okay with this?” Jyn said in disbelief. “You went out there knowing the risk? When you left earlier I thought you’d be sticking around near the house, where we could find you easily.”
“Why do you think we asked for a flare gun?”
“Just to be safe, that’s what I thought. You said you weren’t going too far.”
“We didn’t go that far,” Reya protested.
“You went far enough that it was dangerous!” Jyn said. “Nobody knew where you were. Why would you do that?”
“We needed some time alone, away from everyone else,” Reya said.
“Why? Because of what Tassie showed you?” Jyn demanded.
“Yes,” Reya replied.
“I don’t think I would have been able to stay here for much longer without breaking down. I’m the reason Reya went on the walk. I know it was dangerous, but I really needed that,” Adrian said. He turned to Reya. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but thank you for being there for me when I needed it. I know that today wasn’t easy on you either.”
“Anytime,” she smiled softly, staring him in the eyes. Their gazes lingered on each other for a moment before breaking apart. Jyn watched the sickeningly sweet scene in front of him with unease. A knot formed in his chest as he pondered the significance of their actions. He eyed their hands clasped around the other’s.
“It still doesn’t mean that you should have done that!” Jyn shouted. “You took a needless risk tonight. Things could have ended very badly if you made a mistake!”
“Jyn, you can’t always control our movements,” Adrian seethed.
“This isn’t about controlling you! Gods, I’m actually worried this time. I get that you don’t believe that, but it’s true.”
“But only about Reya,” Tassie added. Reya blinked and the look on her face darkened.
Jyn whirled around. “Why would you say that?” he asked incredulously.
Tassie regarded him with a smirk. “You’re all about listening, aren’t you? Don’t you think they deserve to listen to what you said?”
“You don’t care about Adrian’s safety in the slightest?” Reya asked dangerously. “Isn’t it your job to keep us safe? Should that not extend to Adrian as well?”
“That’s not what I meant! How is it you managed to twist good intentions this much?” Jyn said.
“It’s clear your only intentions were about me,” Reya said coldly. “I can make my own decisions, Jyn. Today the one I took was a risk. A calculated risk. Thank you for worrying about me. I ended up being fine.”
“The risk you took was too great tonight,” Jyn continued. “I’m not here to police you over it, but next time, let us know where you’re going so we can find you.”
“I think we can manage that,” Reya said stiffly. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to go to bed now.” When the others didn’t react, she dragged Adrian into the dimly lit house.
Rann and Tassie exchanged a glance. “Someone’s in a rush,” Rann commented.