Chapter One:
I Feel like a Flaw in the System
Dmitri
The morning sun shone through breaks in the trees above me, casting shadows on the concrete path I ran down. My breathing was even, accompanied only by the sound of my sneakers crunching fallen twigs, and the soft hum of music coming from my headset. The air was slightly muggy from a storm a few hours ago, so sweat pooled on my temple more than usual, but I needed this time to myself today. In just a few hours, everything I had ever worked for could come crashing down around me, and swallowing that fact was a near impossible feat. It was best to do something positive to distract myself, and a morning jog always did the trick.
The school bell tolled after I had reached my third mile, signaling breakfast had begun, and it was time for me to head back and change. I hit pause on my player and looked up at the sky, which was now shifting from a purple haze to a crisp blue morning. Birds did loops as they hunted for their own breakfast; sparrows dove to the ground and pulled wriggling worms free, then dashed back to their nests. I took a deep breath to soak up this calm aura, then hit play again and started for the dormitories, which were just down the hill from the running path.
The dorm was quiet when I got back, and I was glad for it. Neither of my roommates were keen on missing breakfast, and though they left a few things on the floor on their way out, they managed to make it before time was up. I collected their misplaced belongings and put them in order, fished a towel from my laundry basket, and pulled a uniform from the closet so I, too, could dress for the day. I always showered after my classmates, though that did come with some consequences. The showers were near frozen after a slew of young men had used them this morning, but I managed to get a good five minutes of warm water. The cooling water felt nice on my hot face, though I couldn’t enjoy it for too long, as I was already running late.
Minutes later, I raced into the familiar grey-bricked schoolhouse with my backpack slung over my arm, and my boot heels clicking hurriedly down the cobblestone walkway. The sun, now fully risen, cascaded through the slightly swaying trees to wash over the back of my neck as I ran, a reminder that summer was coming, and I was going to be late for class. Students were shoulder to shoulder as they shoved past one another to get into the building; laughter and tired yawns filled the hallways, and squeezing past annoyed teenagers was only half of the daily battle.
My homeroom was B-17, a classroom at the end of the second floor, which had become my home during my attendance at the East Cavalry Academy. The teacher was named Ms. Bennett, a stout and thin woman who taught various History classes for the academy. She had been my teacher for four years now, and seemingly understood my personality and mannerisms better than anyone else had. I had grown quite fond of her pleasant smile and colorful classroom walls, so whenever I entered the room, a sense of calm washed over me instantly.
Ms. Bennett was already at her desk with today’s final exam in her hands, and was skimming through the sections to ensure they were to her liking. She continuously turned to a large iced tea and breakfast roll on her desk, the straw stained red from lipstick she painted on perfectly every morning. I drifted to my seat in the back wordlessly, trying to avoid unnecessary conversation, but I knew that wasn’t going to fly. She looked up to see who had entered and set her stack down to give me her full attention. “Good morning, Mr. Morgan. Sleep well?”
“Yes, ma’am.” I answered stiffly.
Her pale eyes were full of joy as she spoke, “How was the reading last night?”
“Fine, fine; I’ve pretty much memorized the God’s Sent.”
“It’s hard to find new material for you nowadays,” she teased with a light chuckle. “And how about that Valedictorian speech? Any luck?”
“I'm trying…” I sighed, cupping my chin with a roll of my lips.
Her smirk turned lopsided, “You’ll do great, I know it. Feel free to run it by me when you’ve finished, all right?” She rounded her desk and set a neatly packaged pastry on the corner of my own, “I didn’t see you in the dining hall this morning, per usual. Make sure you eat, young man. You need your strength, especially today.” I plucked the pastry off my desk and turned it twice, frowning in defeat since she had caught me again. She had always had an odd infatuation with looking after me, though it was endearing, and equally nice to have at least one confidant.
A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth, “I know, ma’am. Thank you, for thinking about me.” I peeled the corners of the pastry back and nibbled on the edges to make her happy, though when she went back to her desk, I immediately stuffed it into my bag with a grimace. There was no way I’d have any kind of appetite today.
The room began to fill with more students, who shared enormous groans of discomfort and complaints about sore joints from the intense training they had been enduring in preparation for today. I managed to drown out the rising noise by observing a practice fight in the arena, where Mark and Annabelle were sparring for Mr. Hathaway’s class. The sparks from their swords lit up the shaded field, and curiosity kept forcing me to turn back to see who won. My roommates sauntered in and spotted me staring out the window; I didn’t notice them right away, so they whistled and snapped their fingers to catch my attention. “What time did you leave this morning?” Arthur scoffed, sitting beside me with a tall thermos of coffee and some extra cereal.
“Seven or so. I went for a run before class.” I replied quietly, my mouth muffled by the shirt sleeve I was pressing my lips into as I watched the fight.
“How are you even up that early?” Caleb asked, turning in his seat to join the conversation. His disheveled hair proved he was riddled with anxiety and lack of sleep, something most of the academy was mimicking.
“I tried to wake you guys up?” I offered with a bit of sarcasm. I had been trying to get them on a proper sleeping schedule since we met, yet somehow was always to blame if they woke up late, as I was today based on Caleb’s cemented frown.
“I barely remember; I was studying for that dumb Trigonometry final all night.”
Arthur nodded to Ms. Bennett, “I am so freaking out over this exam. How’d you do on your practice test last week, Alex?” He continued, ignoring Caleb’s whining with a scowl.
“He passed I’m sure, bloody know-it-all…” Caleb snorted before I could answer.
I sighed softly in annoyance as Bennett began taking attendance, and decided not to entertain him any more than I had. As the two continued mumbling to one another I turned back towards the window so I could try and distract my thoughts momentarily. This was a common coping mechanism, one that had gotten me in trouble many times before, and it once again worked a little too well.
“Marshall Keane…?”
“Here…!”
“Alex Morgan…? Alexander…? Mr. Morgan!?” Bennett called exasperatedly.
“Huh, what? Oh, here.” I mumbled as everyone giggled, which made me flush pink and hide in my sleeve again. She rolled her eyes with a playful scoff, and shook her head before finishing the list. Morning announcements began shortly after, thankfully redirecting everyone’s attention away from me. The room fell deadly quiet when the chime echoed through the academy, so much that not a single sound beyond our breathing could be heard.
“Good morning students, and welcome back from our extended weekend. I hope you all slept well, because we have a long week ahead of us. Finals will conclude this Thursday, so please study well and get plenty of rest. Graduation is Friday, so all sixth-form students, please pay your class dues by Wednesday afternoon. Regarding the Five Cavalry examination today; the Kings of the North, South, and East Kingdoms will be arriving after lunch, eager to finalize their choices. Please be on your best behavior and do your best to impress them this final time. You all have worked incredibly hard for this moment, so do not let fear cloud your judgement. You are all valiant soldiers in our eyes. That will be all.”
Commotion erupted immediately, which made Bennett sigh and smack her chalkboard. “Come now everyone, calm down, please! I know today is a very exciting day, but we have an exam to tend to first!” The class moaned in unison as she began passing out the tests.
I whipped two pencils from my bag and sharpened them before laying them flat inside the impression on my desktop. Caleb made sure to give me one more eye roll before shifting into his seat, though I had grown used to this antagonization over the four years we had spent together. Arthur did whack him upside the head for his behavior, and winked at me before flashing me a thumbs up and a whispered, “Good luck, mate!” I had exhausted every ounce of our textbook in preparation for this exam, knowing how much it meant for our grades, and was more than ready to get it over with. Maybe that meant I was a know-it-all, but it also meant I would graduate with the grades the royal families were looking for.
Bennett came around to my row and laid my exam face down, then gave me a small smile before making her way back to the front. I laid my palm on the papers, my heart thumping in anticipation. I had read my tattered copy of The God Sent Rights so much that I could see the pages in my head, and prayed that there would be enough basic knowledge for me to pass this test. The anxiety in the room was palpable; we all were choking one another with undeniable fear as we waited for Bennet to return to her desk.
She cranked her tiny tropical bird timer to an hour before setting it down, placing a finger on the top to keep it from starting prematurely. “There are fifteen multiple choice questions, ten open-ended questions, five true or false, and a one-page essay. You have an hour to finish the entire exam. This is your final grade for the school year, so make sure to do your best. You may begin.” She explained, letting go of the timer. As soon as it began clicking, I flipped my test over and scrolled my name down, my eyes falling on the first question rapidly.
The test, essentially, consisted of all the basic knowledge anyone who attended this academy should know. Questions such as whom each kingdom was ruled by, the proper way to interact with royalty, and when the current war had begun made the first section a breeze. I couldn’t believe how easy the test was, especially for such a hard-headed teacher like Ms. Bennett, but I didn’t dare make these comments aloud.
I sped through the true and false within seconds before coming to the essay question, which made my heart skip a beat. “Why do you want to become a Cavalry?” I whispered to myself. I tapped my pencil on the desktop, racking my brain for the correct way to answer. The timer said I only had fifteen minutes left, so I scrawled down the same thing I'm sure many of my classmates did; I want to win the war.
The real reason…?
╬
At one o’clock, everyone who was anyone in the academy hiked to the gymnasium, where a slew of white folding tables was set up. Soldiers from the North, South, and East Kingdoms had pamphlets for training camps and other programs available, including base enrollment into the different branches. When they saw us enter, they automatically began trying to sell their tables. Many of my classmates drifted to these stations and excitedly conversed with the awaiting soldiers to prepare backup plans if they were not selected.
I knew damn well why they were here; they expected none of these kids to be nominated as a Cavalry, and because of this, they wanted to keep our hopes up that we still could become mindless soldiers for the military. This was the closest most of my classmates would get to fighting alongside their rulers, and many were aware of this cruel reality, but this was better than working in some retail store considering how hard they had trained to be soldiers.
I, on the other hand, had other plans. I stayed quiet and to myself throughout my entire school career, and in doing so became the top student at the Cavalry Academy. Years of dedication, self-restraint, and diligence fueled my crawl to the top, and there wasn’t a chance I was going to waste my time with frivolous boot camp brochures. I ensured my intelligence, and now all I had to do was impress the kings and pray luck was in my favor today. I moved to the bleachers and began to go over a game plan in my head on how to confront the day, scrawling in my tattered notebook like my life depended on it to work out any and all possible scenarios.
I was aware that my, situation, made things volatile. If my classmate’s chances were low then mine were microscopic, and taking some space allowed me to swallow my ego and accept this reality. I had no clue what any of the countries visiting us today thought about me. The kings had spent numerous weeks throughout the year at our academy, observing our training programs, testing our strength, and above all else, getting to know our personalities.
While they were intrigued by most of the charming smiles surrounding them, not one ruler had taken the time to actually speak with me. I had tried on numerous occasions to slip a kind word in whenever they addressed our class as a whole, but was always met with bleak expressions or slight nods. These interactions made my stomach twist like a pretzel each time, but I understood their animosity. I could only pray that they would put it behind them and see past who I once was to recognize who I wanted to become.
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Abruptly, Arthur came over and sat beside me, sighing loudly as he stuffed pamphlets in his backpack. His sigh broke my racing thoughts, and I somewhat welcomed the intrusion. “So, it’s almost time,” he said and nudged my shoulder.
“Yeah, I suppose it is.” I answered, my tone lackluster to his displeasure.
He smacked a hand down on my hair and ruffled it wildly to try and make me laugh, “I’m trying to keep calm, but they only pick five kids; I would do anything to be a Cavalry, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.”
“I mean, the chances are slim for anyone being picked…?” I tried to word carefully.
“Yeah, but imagine if we were! You live in luxury! Slumming it up with the royal families, drinking good wine, and having sexy affairs with damsels in distress…!” He exclaimed, hugging himself with a huge smile.
“This isn’t about getting laid,” I snapped, raining on his parade entirely, “It’s about protecting the royal family and your country. Being one of The Five Cavalries is the highest privilege a civilian can receive. You’re one of the most elite soldiers, who fight to live, or die because you gave your all to the cause. I don’t want to become one to have random hookups; I want to serve my homeland.” I said proudly.
“You need to relax,” he laughed.
I looked at him questioningly, “I’m plenty relaxed.”
“Yeah, ok…” he shook his head at me with a small smile that I forced myself to mimic. The gym doors opened a few moments later, and a train of perfectly dressed soldiers came into the gymnasium. Everyone at the tables gasped and automatically flipped around as the three men who walked in behind them waved warmly. “It’s them! The Kings!” Arthur cried.
“Arthur, wait…!” I groaned as I got trapped between the wall of soldiers and my classmates. He darted up and ran to Caleb’s side, bowed respectfully to the kings, and apologized to me with his eyes.
I watched each soldier in awe and envy, my throat thickening with desire. They marched in a perfect beat with one another, regardless of which kingdom they resided in, and their presence had an indescribable weight. Each one had not a hair out of place, and carried themselves so dignifiedly that their auras made me dizzy. The kings finally moved past me, looking as proud and glorious as royal figures could be. Their crisp suits were pressed to utter perfection, tailored to their frames to the finest detail, and radiated nothing but power and prestige. It was very difficult not to be intimidated by their majestic presence.
They saw me cowering in the corner, trying to sneak to the other side, and shared a small chuckle at my embarrassment. I coiled back immediately when I realized I had been caught, and was physically shaking with worry that I could be blowing my chance by the second. The East King, Gerard, paused to study me before he reached out and ruffled my hair once, as if to say they weren’t offended by my insolence. I tried to hold in my surprise, but like an awestruck child, I blushed instantly. “Good morning, young man,” he said in a light and airy tone, which made the room squeak in jealousy at me.
“Good morning, you’re majesty. It is an honor to be in your presence…” I replied confidently, bowing to the smiling men.
Gerard winked ever-so-secretly to me, and nodded to the line of waiting students, “Hop to it, soldier. We don’t want to miss your performance?”
“And good luck today,” The South King, Ethan, added with eyes full of wonder as his soldiers took his arm and led him toward the center of the gymnasium, impatient with their kings for entertaining me to begin with.
I smiled breathlessly before grabbing my bag and running to get in the line beside the boys. When I reached my spot Caleb stepped on my foot automatically, which made me yelp into my arm, “What the bloody hell was that about!?” He snarled through his teeth, which were clenched so tightly that they seemed moments from shattering.
“I dunno…” I whimpered innocently, wincing a little when he jerked away.
He rolled his eyes and angrily snap back into line, “You’re nuts if you think you’re getting this over me.” He said with so much acidity in his voice that I could feel it burning my skin. Arthur stared at him in disbelief and reached over to pull my arm towards him protectively, shaking his head to himself. I was grateful to have him by my side now more than ever; he was the only person brave enough to step in between Caleb and I, but that didn’t mean Caleb was pleased by this.
Gerard stood before the intimidating line of eager students with slight unease; he tucked his hair underneath his crown in annoyance to break up some of the heavy tension choking the room. Most of the waiting students giggled at the way he harshly smoothed his chin length locks back, and that made him smile in relief. “Good morning, everyone!”
“Good morning, your majesty,” we replied like robots, bowing to him.
He pulled a sheet of thick parchment from a binder adorning the royal blue East Kingdom colors. “To start, if I call your name, you have been chosen as a representative for The East Kingdom. If Andrew should call your name you will go to The North, and if Ethan calls your name, The South. This list is for our competitors for the Five Cavalries. Those who are not chosen from this list will still be offered high positions in the army, an honor just as important. Anyone not picked will still be asked to attend our secondary meeting, which will allow signups for each branch of our militaries.”
Andrew glazed over each face in the room, though when he found mine, he paused for a second longer before continuing on. When our eyes locked I felt a shiver run down my spine, and a thousand rampant thoughts began to rape my mind. Did Andrew know I had requested his kingdom, and if so, how did he feel about that? Was he even considering me at this point? Was I foolish to ever think I’d have a chance at voicing my opinion on which kingdom I wanted to fight for? Did I blow my chance, not taking Gerard’s offer from the start?
Gerard cleared his throat wearily, and that snapped my attention back to him immediately, “Each kingdom is allowing enrollment, so you will have options that best suit your desires. Good luck today, everyone; your bravery and courage are highly respected, and your talents regarded the same.” He began calling his names in an even yet direct tone, “Cassidy Campbell… Samantha Tudor… Arthur Malkovich…”
“Damnit!” Caleb cried as Arthur cheered and rushed off to join his lineup, patting my back excitedly as he whisked by. Caleb tapped his foot harshly as he crossed his arms, his face so red that it matched the book covering sticking out of his bag. His temper always got the better of him, and at this rate, he was going to dig himself a hole I did not want to be standing on the edge of. I kept my breathing level though my heart was racing a thousand miles a minute, so that nothing he did distracted me too much.
Gerard called ten names before stepping back, which made the remaining hundred of us swear under our breath. “Only ten? They’re being tough this year…” Cameron whispered to me.
Andrew procured his own list and inhaled softly to steady himself, “For The North, I have selected: Sadie Hamilton… Alexander Morgan… Caleb Harrington…” It took a moment for me to realize I had been called, but when it sunk in, the game was truly on. Caleb yelped in happiness before taking off to the North’s side, with me close on his tail. Sadie jogged up behind me, winking with pride at her name being called as well, and I congratulated her under our breath to ease her anxiety slightly. My fingers were slightly numb from the adrenaline rush I was experiencing, but I knew better than to let my anxiety win now.
I stood confident and tall before Andrew, who called his last name before turning to the ten of us that he had chosen. “I have picked four of my five already,” he began, walking up and down the line to survey us, “Three from the North, and one from the South. I need my fourth Cavalry to be a fine swordsman. I have a demolitionist, an aerodynamics specialist, a naval specialist, and a combative specialist currently. Swords are my last category, and essential to the cause. I want you all to try your hardest, and remember that you are all worthy of this title regardless of whether you are chosen.” He flashed a warm smile before leading the way outside.
Swordsman… I could barely contain myself as I listened to his speech over and over in my head. He needed a swordsman, and I was a swordsman. Most of us in the lineup were, of course, but I was the swordsman of The East Academy. My chances were only intensifying, but I was not the only one aware of this. My classmates all glanced up at me with fire in their eyes; some were distrustful and angry, while others were eager to outshine me, and I accepted their challenge.
Unlike our prior engagements supervised by the kings, Andrew’s soldiers stepped back and allowed us to choose our spars, which made unease fill the courtyard. I didn’t necessarily know who I wanted to go against myself, but Caleb ripped two swords up before turning to me, his eyes set deep in a glare. Andrew sat down at the table set up for him and began eyeing the two of us as Caleb slapped one into my arms. “You, and me.”
“If you wish.” I replied, completely deadpan. My confidence made him swallow, but he still marched into the arena and proclaimed he intended to face me. The soldier verified our names, then nodded to Andrew, who agreed to the sparring with an uncomfortable grumble. I didn’t know if that discomfort was for my sake or Caleb’s, but I intended to front as much confidence as I could so he would not have doubts about my maturity. Maybe he knew of our, tumultuous, relationship, but either way, it made the most sense to face him. We were instructed to change into our training uniforms following approval, and did so as Sadie and Mark faced off.
Caleb and I did not utter a single word to one another before taking position under the burning summer sun. His dagger-like eyes were filled with lust and intense murder, his mouth twisted into a sinister smile. I did not match his energy, but did stand as tall and straight as I could so he did not think for a second that I was intimidated by his childish behavior. “The long rivals face off, head-to-head, to see who’s the best fighter!” Trinity cried like a wrestling match host, “Though in my opinion, Caleb is making love to the devil here?” She said under her breath to a snickering Sadie, who agreed.
I whipped my sword three times, which made Caleb step back slightly. “You’re going to lose today, Alexander. I will not be made a fool of before my king.” He called dramatically.
“Modesty is a befitting trait for a Calvary, don’t you think?” I shot back. My taunt made Caleb turn purple and clutch his handle so tight it almost snapped.
Andrew called for the match to begin, and with that, our swords collided. The sound of clashing metal filled the arena, along with grunting and the scraping of boots on gravel. Caleb and I had sparred on numerous occasions due to his relentless jealousy, but not once had he been able to beat me. At this point I had mastered most of his moves and thought it ridiculous that he would let his pride consume him enough for a revenge battle here of all times. He was an excellent swordsman, one of the best in class, and I would never take that away from him; but I was still better, and he simply could not accept that.
Our fight grew increasingly intense by the second. I ducked under his arm, slid on my knees, and held up my blade in time for his to clash with mine. Sparks from the blades colliding filled the arena and made some waiting candidates shield their eyes. I came back at him; he ducked and sliced, which caused my shirt sleeve to tear open, and made Andrew’s soldiers tense up. That usually would count as a demerit and end the spar, but neither one of us was ready to stop, and Andrew himself did not intervene whatsoever. Caleb spun around and hit me with the handle of his blade, another cheap move, but one that threw my balance off briefly. “Giving up already?” He taunted with a coy smirk when I tripped up.
“Never,” I snapped as I wiped my face on my shirt sleeve.
“Keep it by the rule book, gentlemen…?!” One of the soldiers called nervously.
Once I was back up I began to really let him have it, though remembered to keep my anger in check with each swing. This was a spar, not the field, and the last thing I needed was to accidentally kill a classmate. Caleb, on the other hand, had other plans to end this. He swiped again, but instead of going for my edge, he slammed his pommel directly into my forearm, which made me buckle and catch my cheek on the point of his blade. The initial cut stung of course, but adrenaline blocked most of the pain for me. Andrew and his soldiers gasped at the sight of my blood, but I simply wiped off the running substance and kept at it. The blood stained my shirt, but at the moment I didn’t care.
I ran at Caleb, ignoring the metallic taste in my mouth and a call for us to separate, and smashed my sword into his with every ounce of my strength. He yelped and spun on his ankle, tumbling back towards the steel dugout. Before he could react, I slammed my pommel into his wrist, which made his sword fly across the arena. It hit the ground with a defining echo, and when the dust settled, Caleb could only stare at it in disbelief and betrayal. “It’s over, Caleb…” I huffed as I stepped back and dropped to my knees, panting from the exertion and spar itself.
Andrew’s soldiers clapped wildly to both our surprise; I turned to them in awe, with a slight blush filling my cheeks at their praise. All the while Andrew sat silent, his eyes focused entirely on me as he processed the match internally. “Excellent match, boys!” One of the soldiers cried, holding a hand out to me. I took it gratefully, and let him help me stand before he handed me a tissue. “Let’s not ruin each other’s faces, though,” he added, eyeing Caleb dangerously to show he had caught him cheating as well.
I thanked the soldier and turned to collect my blade as Caleb stood, pure anger in his eyes. I should have seen his next actions coming, but was too focused on my cut to notice his unholy rage perfuming the field. He raced across the arena and slammed his fist into my face, which made my jaw crack loud enough for the entire field to hear it. “I’ll kill you!” He screamed, shoving me down to the dirt to try and get another hit in, “You insignificant bastard! I’ll be damned if you beat me!” Instead of fighting back I threw my arms up to protect my face, though Caleb relentlessly swung at me in any and every attempt to cause as much damage as he could.
“Hey, that is enough!” Two soldiers shot across the arena to snatch Caleb’s collar and rip him off of me, tossing him to the dirt, “To the headmaster’s office, immediately!” Caleb didn’t bother putting up a fight and sauntered into the building wordlessly, his head hung in shame. I stared after him, holding my sore cheek as my mind attempted to catch up with what had happened. “You ok, kid?” One asked nervously, as if I were a wild animal. He extended his arm to try and pat my shoulder, but whatever look I wore made him hesitate enough to not make full contact.
I blinked, as if in a trance, and nodded rigidly. “I'm fine, thank you.”
They both tilted their heads at my reaction as Andrew stood, which made everyone in the field fall silent. He walked around the table and into the arena, then he crossed his arms as he stood before me, his clear eyes burning with curiosity. “Alexander, is it?” He asked in a penetrating tone. I nodded sheepishly, then moved to bow politely. He grabbed my shoulder in the middle of my bend, which made my eyes widen in disbelief as he pushed me to stand. The other candidates’ jaws hit the floor as he tilted my chin up to get a better look at my face; he stared into my eyes as if the key to everything in the world was behind them, then addressed me fully. “Why is it you want to become a Cavalry, young man?” He asked, not to Alexander Morgan, but to… me.
I paused for a split second to ponder my response, and when I found it, spoke with such confidence that I was sure the words came directly from my soul, “I want to give innocent people their lives back, and help them regain trust in the royal family’s name once again.” My tone lowered so only he could truly hear me, “I have a destiny to fulfill and am on borrowed time, your highness. The madness needs to end.” I said that last word sharply, enough that Andrew raised an eyebrow at the way the word rolled off my tongue.
He took a moment to process what I said before dropping the finger he had under my chin. “Interesting; very, very interesting. Someone get this boy to the nurse!” He called, turning to walk back toward his table. He left me standing in the middle of the arena like a statute, lifeless and void of all emotion. Had it not been for Xavier pulling me towards the gymnasium, I can’t confirm that I wouldn’t have spent the remainder of my life frozen in that very position.