Chapter Eight:
What’s Left to Say?
Morgan
Andrew couldn’t bear to hear the boys suffering. He clutched his shirt sleeve tightly in an attempt to not murder Levi for hurting them so deeply, and was barely holding it together. I knew if I didn’t say something he would eventually snap, so I patted his back warmly before turning to Levi. “Whatever it is you need to tell us, I suggest we take care of it so I can make sure the boys are alright.” I whispered.
Levi was as pale as a ghost, but slowly, he turned to me with an empty look. “Yes, I suppose we should…” he moaned like a zombie.
“Andrew, if you could?” Robotically, Andrew turned and shuffled towards his office.
As we walked through the foyer, I saw the lounge door was cracked open. I knew everyone was waiting for things to simmer down, but their anticipation to console their friends was palpable. Andrew was a step ahead of me, and peeked through the door. “Cerelia…?” He breathed. Without a single ounce of hesitation, she darted from the couch and to the stairs, as if God himself was guiding her up the steps. She did nod to me in reassurance as she passed, which made me smile ever so slightly. Andrew closed the door without a word to the rest of the room before we continued forward. Once in his office, he slid the blinds open and fell into his chair in defeat; I shut the door softly before pulling my own up beside him. Levi took a seat with shaking hands, and watched me calmly pat some dust off my pants as Andrew lit a cigarette. He tilted his head back and let it hit the back of the chair with a thud before sighing and gesturing to Levi with the cigarette. “Well, what is it?” He moaned.
Levi spoke without a beat in between Andrew’s request, though he stared unblinking at the window as if it caused him physical pain to look at us head on. At that moment, I was hoping it did. “I am currently commissioned with the Irish government and can supply you with a few extra soldiers. It won’t be a lot, admittedly, but a few thousand are willing to assist in the war. I figured; any help is some help.”
“How many, exactly?” I asked.
“Six or seven, roughly. They really don’t want to be in the middle of this, especially if Alexei wins, but the fighting is spilling over into their country. The only thing they ask in return is for a peace treaty that establishes them as neutral. I will send over the details as soon as I return.”
“How soon can we get them here?” Andrew moped.
“Within a month or two; I figure we’ll train them in batches with your soldiers, to make sure everyone can fight with the guidelines of the Common Weapon Law. They, of course, are under the God’s Sent Rights as well, so a few already know sword fighting. Once we know everyone is ready, they’ll stand on the sidelines until needed.”
Andrew flicked his eyes coldly to me, “Thoughts?”
“Allies are allies,” I said with a shrug.
He rolled his lips, then puffed a huge ring of smoke, “I’ll have to talk to Cerelia, but consider it done. As soon as I get her approval, I want a thousand men in my foyer for training.”
“Yes, your majesty,” Levi replied.
“If that’s all, then go home. I am absolutely drained, and I need a moment of peace and quiet.” Andrew barked seriously. Levi nodded and stood, then ghosted to the door. “Please make sure he leaves?” Andrew breathed to me, placing a kiss to my hand in gratitude.
“Of course,” I laid one on his temple, whispered a soft, “Thank you, for everything,” against him, then followed Levi to the foyer as Andrew slammed his office door shut. I knew his anger was with Alexei and Levi, and not the boys and I, so I didn’t take offense.
Atticus calmly opened the main doors, though his glare was so heavy it made Levi cringe. I walked to his waiting car, where his own representative opened the door for him. He paused slightly, then turned to face me, “Is there anything you’d like to say, while I'm still here?” He asked, not sarcastically, but expecting the worst.
“I think you’ve suffered enough today. Besides, it will take days to console the boys, and I intend to be the person who helps them through it. If you’d be so kind as to stop wasting my time, I’d highly appreciate it.”
“I see…” he slid into the car and set his hands on his knees, staring blankly ahead. The driver went to shut the door but Levi held a hand out, and pulled a set of envelopes from his pocket. “If you ever have the patience, I would like it if you would read these. There is one for all three of you. Do not pressure the boys into opening them, but if you could just tell them they exist, I would appreciate it.” I took the envelopes and looked them over for a moment before stuffing them into my pocket. He sighed in relief as the driver shut his door, then rounded the car. A moment later they drove through the gates, and the nightmare of a day was finally over.
╬
Andrew’s most trusted court were now seated on the couches on the opposite side of the stairs, where they listened to the horrific crying of their beloved friends. The Cavalries were completely distraught at the sound; Michael’s legs were shaking so violently that I expected him to chase Levi’s car and rip it in half. When they heard me enter the castle, Gwenevere whipped around with shimmering eyes, “Morgan…?” She desperately croaked.
I paused before going to her side. I ran a hand through her hair lovingly, which made her blink in shock, “I know you’re scared, but I promise, he’ll be fine. As soon as he feels better, I’ll have you all come see him. It’s been a long day, and he really needs to let it all out. Just be patient a little longer for me, ok?”
“Are, you ok?” Michael asked seriously.
His words caught me off guard, but brought a smile to my face, “I will be, as soon as I know my children are.” I simply said before heading upstairs. I knocked twice on the door before entering Riley’s room, my heart pounding as I began assessing the situation.
Dmitri was on the floor with his face buried into his legs. He hadn’t stopped crying since he came upstairs, and if anything, his cries were growing more intense. Cerelia was on the ottoman before Riley’s bed, and was rubbing Dmitri’s back to try and console him. Riley was shaking his brother’s shoulders to try and snap him out of it, and turned to me with a terrified look of defeat. “I don’t know what to do…!” He sobbed desperately.
His words broke me, and triggered every motherly instinct that had been desperately crawling to the surface since the day had begun. First step; assure the child who was held together better, and make him comfortable enough to try and salvage the other.
I took Riley’s hands lovingly and pulled him over to Cerelia’s side before kissing his fingertips. “It’s not your job to worry anymore, ma petite souris.” I soothingly cooed.
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The look on Riley’s face almost broke my calm façade. Utter, indescribable relief washed over him, and his tears went from spilling over his father, to spilling from freedom. I kissed his cheeks a few times before kindly asking him to sit with Cerelia, who welcomed him into her embrace. She brushed his bangs back with her lips and ran her hands along his cheek, and he welcomed it gratefully.
As soon as I knew Riley was content, I knelt down before Dmitri and slid my arms underneath him. To Riley’s astonishment, Dmitri allowed me to pull his lifeless body into a sitting position so I could encase him in my embrace. What little I could see of his face was bright red and soaked with tears, and when his cheeks hit my skin, they were on fire. I ran my fingers through his hair, as he’d always loved as a child, and brought my lips to his ear. “I know, mon prince aux yeux bleus; I know how much pain you are in…” I began.
It took him a moment, but his weak voice croaked a few words. “Please, don’t ever leave me again, Mom…” he hoarsely wheezed, “I can’t… I can’t live without you… I'm so scared… I'm so scared of being alone… Please, don’t ever make me live through it again… Don’t leave me alone ever again…?” The child who had been caged for so many years within him plead.
I shook my head at my son’s broken words, and held him closer than I had his entire life, “No matter how lonely you may have felt, you were never truly alone, Dmitri…” I began, kissing his tears away in between my thoughts, “I was always with you, even if it wasn’t physically. I held you and your brother in every thought and prayer I had every single second of every single day. I will never, ever, let you face this world alone again. I am going to spend the rest of my life by your side, even when you get tired of me. I will smother you with so much love that it makes you sick, shield you from as much pain as I can, and be strong for you when you cannot be anymore. I am going to make all of the bad things I possibly can go away, and protect you from the lurking darkness. I promise, on my soul, yours, and Riley’s that I am never going to leave you two again. You have done your jobs, and now it is time you rest. I know that this war is inevitable, but that does not mean we cannot survive it together. I am incredibly proud of you, for being this brave.”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better…” he whispered.
“I don’t say what I don’t believe,” I retorted before sighing, “I have missed you and Riley so much that my heart burns when I think about the time we have lost together…”
He finally picked his head up, and wiped his face before sniffling once, “Yeah, I missed you too… But you can’t really go around admitting that when your mother is queen of the worst country in the world.”
“I know this is difficult for you, in more ways than I can count, and I am so sorry for the burdens I’ve placed on your shoulders…”
“We could have ended this, so long ago… Why didn’t we?”
I took his face in my hands, and combed my thumb over his burning cheeks, “Because I will not lose two more children, especially when they have done nothing to deserve this. It has taken me a long time to swallow the fact that I have helped ruin Alexei, but I cannot deny it any longer. He has ripped everything away from us, and I cannot live another moment knowing I'm enabling him do it.”
“Everything is because of Alexei nowadays, isn’t it?”
“Yes, and no. I have equal responsibility in this.”
“If so, then why did you let it happen?” He finally asked.
“I don’t think I’ll ever have a good enough answer for you,” I admitted, “I would apologize, but I'm sure it’s the last thing you want to hear. I won’t be redundant with you.”
“Your right, I don’t want to hear apologizes. But that’s because I no longer believe I deserve them,” he said, leaning his cheek into my palm.
“What do you mean?”
“Riley sent me a video, the day of our first meeting. It was memories from when I was a kid; the worst of the worst…” I went to speak but he cut me off, “and those videos made me realize something very important; you are not a bad mother. The more things fall into place, and the older I get, the more I understand the circumstances. When I was young, all I could think about was the fact that Alexei was torturing me, and you were letting him do it. But you didn’t really let him, because behind closed doors, you were being tortured as well. I could see that you genuinely cared about me, even though things weren’t always right….”
I had fallen silent, which made him peek up at me curiously. Tears were flowing down my cheeks, and my hands trembled against his face. He pulled me into a warm hug, and kissed my temple lovingly. “I promise, Dmitri, that I will never make you endure anything like that ever again… I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, mon prince aux yeux bleus.”
“There’s only one thing I need from you,” he whispered, “Promise me that I'm not going to lose you again, and that I can trust you. Promise me that you’ll protect me, and let me protect you in return. That we’ll win this war together, and when it’s over, we’ll leave the past behind and focus on being happy again.”
“I promise, I am here to fix things. If I can’t keep this family whole, then I will hold on to whatever I have left, and that is my two precious children.”
“I hope you mean it, because I think you’d really like everyone that’s here.”
I chuckled and ruffled his hair over his eyes, which made him playfully spit it out of the way, “Well, I certainly enjoy your new friends. Though, I forget that your eighteen, so I can’t really treat you like a little kid anymore…”
“Maybe once in a while?” He whispered innocently. I burst into hysterics, and cupped his sweet face to kiss him repeatedly. He flashed me a broken smile that I knew he wouldn’t be able to muster had this conversation never happened. I turned to Riley and patted the ground, where he moved to sit beside us. I opened my arms, and both boys curled into my embrace.
Having them both this close made the world disappear around me. Every ounce of unconditional love I had for them oozed out of me, and filled their broken souls through my touch. “You two… are my everything. You always have been, and always will be. If Levi refuses to love you, then that just leaves more room for me to do so. Your father, despite his faults, probably does regret his decisions immensely. As your mother, I wish for you to have a relationship with him, but I also refuse to let him cause you this much pain again.
If you two chose to have him in your life, I will support you every step of the way. If you do not, don’t ever feel guilty for feeling that way. He is absolutely selfish to think he has a right to earn your forgiveness so easily. At the same time, I raised you to see past people’s faults. Not everyone makes the right decision all the time, and in Levi’s case, he truly made mistakes. His demons haunt his nightmares, I'm sure, but do not hold on to unnecessary torment.”
“You’re not angry, too?” Riley whispered.
I looked straight ahead so the boys couldn’t see my face as I tried to word my next thought correctly. “I feel… nothing. I do not feel pain, sadness, anger… just, nothing. I will not waste my emotions on that man, and you shouldn’t either. If you truly don’t want to have him in your life, then act as if he doesn’t exist, just as I do. I respect Levi as the man who blessed me with my children, but besides that, he means nothing to me.”
“What do you think we should do?” Dmitri finally asked.
I took a deep breath before pulling the letters from my pocket and handing them to the boys, “I think, you should read these. If anything, they will allow you to rest easy. He asked me to give them to you, and said you never have to touch them if you so desire, but he hopes you will. If you are unsure what to do with Levi, then this may be a good starting point.”
Dmitri turned the envelope once, then nodded stiffly, “Maybe…”
“There is no rush; you have plenty of time to make a decision. For now, do not shed anymore tears for Levi, or Alexei. Their words are wasted breath in the air. Focus on the good; you two finally told them both what you have waited years to say. It must have felt amazing, as painful as it was to do so. Be proud that you had the courage to get through today, and remember how strong you are.”
They both giggled, and squeezed me tighter, “You’re right…” Riley sighed.
“Of course I am; I'm your mother!” I teased, which made everyone in the room laugh. “Now, why don’t we all take a breather, then go see The Cavalries? They’re worried sick about you two, and I can’t keep them at bay for much longer.”
Dmitri smiled as he wiped his eyes, “I figured they were…”
“Gwenevere was ready to pile drive Levi; you should be lucky Michael is strong enough to hold her back.” Cerelia joked, which made Dmitri giggle uncontrollably.
“That’s my girl…?” He sighed lovingly as the light began to return to his eyes.