Chapter Nine:

There are Many Things that I Regret in Life

Dmitri

That night, I shuffled upstairs to my bedroom door and pressed my ear to the wood. Hushed talking between The Cavalries echoed, as well as a show they had on to try and distract themselves. I hesitantly turned the knob and walked inside, which made the group turn and sigh in relief to see me in one piece. “Hey, look who it is…?” Stefan tried, flashing a worried smile as I ghosted to the couch he and Gwen were sitting on.

“Hey, guys…” I weakly said as I flopped down between the two.

“How ya hanging in, sweetheart?” Martha cooed, leaning over my shoulder to lovingly tuck my hair behind my ear.

“I'm ok, I think. I'm sorry for worrying you all so much...”

“It’s our job to worry about you,” Gwen teased before falling serious, “Long day, eh?”

I exhaled loudly, “Longest in history, but I'm glad it’s over.”

“We’re so proud of you…” Michael said, coming up to hug me from behind, “You really proved how strong of a person you are.”

“If you call crying for three hours straight strong…?” I snorted.

“Years of pent up rage was bound to explode eventually,” Gwen took my chin and turned me towards her, as if to create a veil of privacy for her to say, “You truly proved that you are a man Alexei should fear today, Dmitri. All of us carry our demons, but we aren’t forced to share a room with them the way you have been. Shedding a few tears is a reward you absolutely deserve for telling Alexei and Levi what you did. You and your family needed some closure, and I believe you finally gained a little bit.”

“Admittedly, I can’t believe some of the things I said. I kind of felt like a bad ass in the moment.” I joked to make everyone laugh.

“You are a bad ass, and Alexei and Levi have no clue what they’re missing out on. Hopefully, now, we can move forward, and you won’t carry so much pain on your shoulders over them both,” Martha offered.

“Here’s hoping; want a celebration beer?” Stefan asked cheerfully.

“Actually, I have a request, if you all don’t mind hearing me out?” I pulled Levi’s letter from my pocket, and stared down at the envelope worriedly, “This letter… is from my father. He asked I read it, and I never planned to, but my mother thought it would help me feel better. I want you all to be here, because I trust you and am very comfortable and calm around you.”

“You mush…” Michael teased, ruffling my hair, “Of course we’ll be here for you. Are you going to read it aloud? You absolutely don’t have to…?”

“No, I'm going to. Hopefully, it’ll make the pill easier to swallow,” I pulled the pages free, then began to read the long essay he had hand written for me.

“Dmitri; I have waited years to give you this letter. I have probably written it thousands of times, but this time, I intend to truly say what I have been unable to. As soon as I received Alexei’s invitation, I knew this would be my last chance to ever see you and Riley, and I needed to man up and take action before it was too late.

So, here we go.

To start, how are you? It’s a simple question, and idiotic to ask, but an icebreaker I suppose. I hope all is well. I learned you are a Cavalry for The North; it’s a wonderful honor, and I am very glad Andrew gave you the chance, and is also watching over you. I never expected to hear the news, but as soon as I did, I easily saw why you had chosen to become a soldier. I am very proud that you are skilled enough to hold such a title; it isn’t something to take lightly.

Well, now that that’s over and done with, it’s time I did some explaining. What have I been up to these past years? Well, I currently live in Ireland. I made an arrangement with their government, where I am offered protection in exchange for help with their military. We’ve been working on finding men to join your kingdom’s cause, so hopefully in the near future, you will have even more allies. I guess that’s good, right? What else, what else? Well, there isn’t much more than that. I purposely live in solitude, mostly because I'm terrified of hurting any more people than I have. Bear with me for this next part; it’s going to get mushy and be full of self-pitying.

I'm sorry.

It is the most complex, yet simplest thing I can say to you; I am, truly, sorry. The reasons behind my apology stretch far beyond the imagination and would take me years to get out on paper. I just… am so sorry. There aren’t enough languages or words in the world that can cover how guilty I am for what I’ve done to you and your brother. I don’t know what made me think leaving you with The West was going to keep you safe, but it is a decision I will never forgive myself for making.

There are many things that I regret in life, but I will never regret being your father. I will never regret bringing you into this world, even if it was cold and unforgiving to you, and I will never regret, nor forget, the memories I have of you. Your precious, innocent smile still fills my dreams at night, no matter pleasant or nightmare. I am the reason that smile stays in memories and not reality, and I will never forgive myself for that.

I must look at your picture a million times a day to remind myself that you are real, and not just a figment of my imagination. I truly could not believe you were real when Morgan and I had you. Alexei was, well, he was Alexei, God love him, and very serious, just like his mother. Riley was timid and reserved, like me, and liked to keep to himself. But you… Oh, you were something special. Had you not had your mother’s eyes and my smile, I would have never believed you were ours.

You were bubbly, and carefree, and saw no flaw with the world. You were the personification of innocence, which had taken form as a living, breathing child. Admittedly, you also terrified me for that very reason. You just, did not fit in with our family. You outshined all of us, and your presence made our citizens love us more than ever before. You’re spark lit up a room, if not a town, if not a country, and people soaked up your charisma and energy like sponges. I am absolutely terrified that Alexei has subdued the blazing fire in your heart.

Admittedly, I had no clue what he had done to you until he himself told me in December. Hearing the words he spoke made my blood run cold. My imagination betrayed me, and I spent days if not weeks festering over what he could have put you through. I'm sure my fears will be validated in February, and I don’t know how I will respond, so I will take responsibility now.

I have no clue what to say to you in person; that much is obvious.

I look at a picture of you at six, with your arms wrapped around Riley and Matthew’s neck, and I cannot believe that when I see you again, you’ll be on your way to nineteen. That means that I missed out on almost twelve years of your precious life. I never taught you how to tie a tie, how to shave, how a football game works, how to talk to a girl. From a royal standpoint, I never taught you how to deal with annoying government officials, how to dance at a ball, how to sign your name on documents, which crown to wear to each event, how to give a public speech, or what it means to be a true king.

I don’t think I’ve looked in a mirror for more than a few seconds in twelve years. I cannot stomach my own image. All I see in my own face is my children, and it reminds me how much of a failure I am. I see the years I poured into Alexei, and how none of them mattered. I see the nights I spent holding him to my chest and desperately consoling him as he cried and thrashed to escape things only he could see. I can hear Amelia talking him through anxiety induced seizures, and I can feel the pills I had to jam down his throat no matter how much they made him sick.

I see the life in Riley’s eyes that slowly drained the older he became. I see him sitting in his room, staring out the window at the birds. How many times did he tell me he wanted to fly away with them, because he was so miserable? I remember how demented his drawings were. Whenever he would draw our family, he would always put horns on Alexei, and draw Morgan and I as far apart as possible. Only you and he would be side by side, and you both always had tear drops in your eyes. I can hear him praying… ‘God, please protect my family. Please keep my little brother safe. Please stop making Alexei sick. Please tell mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Please make my family happy.’ All his words did was rip my soul from my body and stomp it to pieces.

And then… I remember the few moments you and I spent together.

I remember your fifth birthday. You came running down the stairs dressed in a handsome little suit, with a party hat tucked into your beautiful curls. Riley blew streamers for you, and Alexei and I had spent hours decorating the music room for the party. We all were so excited to have you and your friends share the day together…but no one came. You sat at that table for hours and stared at one of your books with a broken, defeated smile.

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By the time it was four o’clock, Morgan gave up waiting and tried to make up an excuse that wouldn’t hurt your feelings. All you did was slowly look up, smile as wide as you could, and say, ‘sometimes, people get busy’, before you burst into tears and ran upstairs. It was the single most devastating day of Morgan and I’s lives. We had no clue why no one came, and we could hear your heart shatter when you realized the same.

The reason I recite this story, is because I feel as if we are replaying that day so many years later. You are at your party, waiting and waiting for me to come celebrate with you: yet I never came. I did to you what those children did so many years ago, and I never once thought about how you felt in that situation. I have never been respectful of your feelings, or considered for a second how selfish it was for me to leave the way I did.

All I wanted was to be free; to be free of The West, of Alexei, and of Morgan and I’s broken relationship. I was so blinded by my own desires that I completely forgot that you and Riley were the only things in this world that I loved. As soon as I left, my mistakes smacked me in the face, and by the time I had the courage to go back, it was too late.

Believe it or not, Alexei told me you were dead both times I returned. Yes, twice I came back for you, twice. Each time Alexei somehow convinced me that you were dead, that Riley had been lost in battle, and you had killed yourself because of it. His descriptions were so real, so vivid, that I had no choice but to believe him and stop trying.

I should have taken you two with me, and had I, I could have kept you safe. I could have maybe helped Morgan out of her situation, and hell, maybe we could have tried to be a family again. I am the cause of this entire war. I am the cause of our family breaking apart. I am the cause of the physical and emotional pain you feel every day of your life, and I am so unbelievably sorry, Dmitri.

I'm sorry… I'm just so incredibly sorry. If I could take it all back or switch places with you, I would in a second. I would take a thousand lashes just to know you were safe for a single day. I will never forgive myself for what I have put you and your brother through. If anything happens to either of you in this war, I promise you this; I will most definitely kill myself out of grief. It’s something I’ve thought about doing so many times, but if Alexei takes you out of this world, I surely will take him with me as well.

I want to prevent that from ever being a reality. I want to help you in whatever way I can. I want to be a part of your life, even if it’s through an occasional photograph. I want to lead you to victory, and celebrate your accomplishments, but that in itself is very selfish. It is your decision entirely to choose what you want from me, but I mean this when I say; I am ready to prove myself to you. I want to make up for what I’ve done, and if you can somehow find it in your heart to allow me to do so, I promise it will be a decision you won’t regret. Though, if you chose to want nothing to do with me, I will accept my fate like a man for the first time in my life.

I cannot keep using the excuse that I was scared.

When Morgan and I had our first child, I was petrified. Within the span of one year, we had become king and queen of a country, got married, and had a child, all at sixteen. Most sixteen year olds nowadays are playing rugby or going out on the town, but we had a family and a kingdom. Our parents forced us into marriage because The West needed a ruler, and we both agreed because it was our royal duty to do so. I gave up my entire life to be with your mother, and until the last year of our marriage, I never regretted a single moment of it.

Even as a sixteen year old father, husband, and king, I was still incredibly happy. Your mother’s smile washed away every single one of my insecurities. Her voice drowned out all of the negativity, and her touch brought a warmth to me that I can never recreate with another woman. The little things she did to make me feel at home were so thoughtful that I cried every single time she presented me with a new gift.

She learned fluent French so she could teach it to you all, and speak it with me when English was too complicated. She had a guest house built so my parents could visit whenever they wanted, and she made sure I saw them for every single holiday. She walked me through the kingdom step by step, introduced me to every single person she could, and taught me how to be a proper king from the ground up. She even had the castle chefs master all of my favorite meals so that every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday we had them for dinner.

If you asked me today why I thought leaving her was a good idea, I truly would not have an answer for you. Within two months of marrying her, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with Morgan Mortimer, and I had no plans otherwise. I would love our first child unconditionally, and love the next two just the same. We would raise you all to be proper young princes, and guide you on your journeys to creating your own families: and I ruined everything. I ripped our beautiful future away from all five of us, because I wasn’t strong enough to stand beside such a resilient and perfect woman.

As I said, I want to be a part of your life, but I do not want to risk taking your future away again. I want you to be successful in every way possible, and if that means I am what stands in the way of doing that, then disregard everything I have written in this letter. Do not give my plead a second thought if it means you will not live the life I so desperately want you to have.

I just want you to be happy, Dmitri.

I want you to meet a girl that makes your heart sing the way Morgan did mine, and I want you to have a family that gives you a reason to fight every day. I want you to conquer your brother and be called England’s greatest victor, and for your name to go down in history. I want you to be showered with riches and glory, so that you will never have to worry about a thing again for the rest of your life.

And most importantly, I want you to have your own child, and to wash them in love from the both of us. Remind them every day that you will never leave their side no matter what happens. Please promise me that you will do this for me? Promise you will prosper, and you will do everything I wish I could have done. Promise that your flame will never burn out, and your passion for life will forever radiate through your soul.

I love you, Dmitri. If these are the last words I ever say to you, then I want them to be that I love you, son. I love you more then you will ever understand, and I am so proud that I am your father.” I slowly set the pages down on my lap.

The Cavalries were all stunned by the letter, and had blank expressions as they tried to think of what to say. I stared down at the papers, which were stained by my father’s tears that he had spilled writing it. Parts of the letter were scribbled out and rewritten, whether it be from a redundant thought, or something he didn’t like. There was even a coffee stain to indicate he had spent hours crafting the perfect thing to say. “Wow…” Stefan finally said, breaking the deafening silence, “That was, intense.”

“To say the least,” Gwen scoffed.

A small smile formed as I folded the page up, “Well, it certainly does change some things. I do not regret a single thing I said to him today, but I can at least appreciate the letter.”

“Seems like he really means what he said?” Michael tried.

“Maybe he does, but I'm not sure I'm ready to let him in just yet. Actions speak louder than words, so if he can prove his apology, then maybe I can consider a civil conversation. As for right now, I really want to forget he exists…”

“You have every right to do so,” Martha said before standing and stretching, “Mike, why don’t you camp in my room? Stefan, you can come as well, or see if Ave is back?”

“Sure; she may still be doing her patrol, but I'm a heavy sleeper if you guys wanna bang.” Stefan joked, which made us all laugh before the three stood. Martha winked to us, making Gwen and I smile in relief as she shut the bedroom door behind she and the boys.

Gwen turned and simply opened her arms. I slid into her embrace and wound myself around her as she encased me in the softest and warmest hug I’d ever felt. She placed delicate and loving kisses to my hair and forehead as I nestled into her chest with a long sigh. “Thank you…” I finally whispered, kissing her bare skin tenderly.

“For what, love?”

“For standing by me regardless of the situation…”

“Do you know why I stand by you?” She asked, tilting my chin up and brushing her thumb over the corner of my mouth, “Because I know when this is over, you and I will have a wonderful, long, and happy life together. As happy as I am now, I know that the real gold is on the other side of the rainbow. I knew as soon as Andrew said he hired you that bumps like this were going to come up, and that you were going to need a friend when they arose. What I didn’t expect, was for me to fall so deeply in love with you…” I blinked in awe as she closed her eyes slowly. A thin line of water broke through her lashes, and her top lip quivered slightly as she spoke, “I have never met a person that I was willing to sacrifice so much for. I will never, ever, leave your side: as a comrade, friend, or partner. I will fight every single battle with you, and we will face the harshness of this world together. This war is going to get ugly very soon, and I am prepared to give my all to both winning it, and protecting you while I do…” she choked up, and could no longer speak.

I reached up and slid my hand underneath her dark hair so I could tilt her face down delicately. “Gwenevere… Open your eyes…” I breathed. She stuttered a shaky sigh before slowly doing as I asked. Her eyes were so beautiful that I could drown in them. The tears that filled them were like ocean waves that I wanted to swim in for eternity. I made her look directly at me as I spoke, “I love you beyond all comprehension. I have never wanted someone in my life more than I do you. I can never express my gratitude to you, for what you have done for me these past months. I hope to one day reciprocate the love and support you have provided me, but until that day comes, I will continue to worship you as substitute. You have given me something to fight for. You have become the thing that pulls me out of bed every morning, that helps me pick up my sword, and that drives me to fight to come home. I have an insatiable, indescribable, borderline creepy desire for you…” she giggled adorably at that, “and I don’t think you could get rid of me if you tried. You are the most precious thing in my life, and I hold you and your unconditional love so close to my heart that it is the only reason why it beats.

I know I'm a little odd, and I can do much better at proving my commitment, but the fact that you are so patient is a blessing I thought was impossible to have. Please keep being the force that drives me to succeed. Remind me once in a while that it’s ok to fail, but that I am far from a failure as long as I have you. I play it cool, but I am terrified of how much I need you. I am so scared of failing you, of hurting you, of not being enough, but at the same time it’s what helps me be my best for you. I hope to one day be completely perfect, but until then, lets become the people we want to be together.”

She scoffed a soft laugh as more tears slid down her cheeks, and leaned into my palm, “I like that plan...” she whispered before I leaned in and tangled her lips with mine, slid my arms around her waist, and pulled her into my lap. She brought both hands up under my hair to hold my lips to hers while I brushed my thumbs over her waist, just to feel the warmth of her skin.

With each pluck of our lips, or the soft pants that escaped us in between kisses, all of the evil of today melted away. She slowly drained away my sorrow and replaced it with passion, and instead of spending the night alone, I shared it with the woman I was certain I would spend the rest of my life with.