Kiki the Temptress of the Pacific has announced today the decision to bring her 3rd sell out concert tour ‘Of love and pity’ to her landed fans. Next woe’s day she will be swapping her fins for feet and wading ashore at an unspecified beach in the south of England. With her will come her sleek six-packed backing crew The Fins.

If fans are worried that their unique sound will be affected by the lack of water be assured that the world-renowned music loving warlock, Peaceman has created a fine piece of musical enchantment to preserve the effect. This, many believe is the reason for the siren’s unexpected decision to leave the water.

Kiki says on her decision to come to land that ‘Due to modern ships having deep drafts, speed and loud propellers, few sailors get close enough to shore, for long enough to appreciate my alluring beauty or hear my captivating songs. With this new ability, I will be able to bring my charm to them. Kiki sings such songs as ‘As the seaweed sways, so do I; Slowly brushing my moonlight hair (on the rocks); Follow me into the deeps and Love me or feed me.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

Certainly, this tour promises to net a huge catch of men to salt away for her dowry. On the subject of marriage and whether this is a last-ditch effort to store up on men for the future, Kiki continues to state that she enjoys singing too much to lose it for any man above or below the waves.

On the subject of her backing group, The Fins, all five have been endowed with uniquely resonant voices most often found in the female of the species but without the subliminal effects. As males, and the rarer half of the breed they are lucky in that they fail to have the territorialism or drive of the females and have no need to hunt higher game.

That said, be warned, as males they do have the total lack of sexual loyalty of their kind, so if anyone is interested in their scantily clad figures and considering more than admiring them from afar, they should take into account their very liberal predisposition and any likely reaction of their female minder before making a move. Sirens should not be stirred to anger for poaching, without careful consideration.

Surf City here we come!