Enough of these depressing and dejecting thoughts. They have no space here. I need to flush them out right now. They are only capable of doing damage and clouding my rationale. Out with all the dark thoughts and in with the lighter ones. The ones that shine upon you and make you get up and going.

It is not easy to summon them as and when required. It hardly happens that way. I have seen a lot of stuff on the internet about manifesting goodness and the positive energy of the universe into our lives by thinking about them hard and strongly and visualizing them. I don't believe in that stuff. I mean I don't know why anyone would believe in it. I think it is not how this universe operates or whatever entity one is referring to. I actually don't know whether such an entity exists. Wouldn’t it be more like a god figure then? The one above all, looking down at us and pulling the infinite strings as he pleases or randomly. I really don't know. There is a lot of debate on how life has come up in this speck of duct in the vast cosmos. Is it just a funny coincidence or a masterfully designed idea? I don't know. I leave that question to the philosophers of this planet. Many have tried to decipher it in their own ways. Many more will. They will surely have found a profound thing to think about and ultimately share.

Maybe I should sit back and write about this. I should pen down what I think of the events that have transpired and what it all means.

Where should I start now? Ummm, well I really don't know. I mean I can't get a starting point. This has been my problem. To start. I wonder how all these philosophers and writers start. I have ideas in my mind but when I sit down to put them into words, they never seem to come together. They hang up like a floating mess inside my head I can never bring together.

Okay. I will give this a try.

What am I feeling now?

I am feeling pain and sadness. I feel alone. I feel utter guilt and god knows what all feelings on not having her with me. I feel cheated. I feel like I am in a vast arena, being watched over by a huge crowd that I am completely unaware of. I don't know what to do here. I am lost. In that horrible state, I find myself being judged by them, being laughed at, and even pitied by a few.

I am also feeling extreme helplessness. I really don't know what to do. I don't know what steps I need to take to come up with a solution to the situation at hand and find the answers to all the questions that have popped up in the last twenty-four hours.

But beyond all these, it is the feeling of missing my love that haunts me the most. It has nothing to do with the time we have had to know each other or how we are taking time to become singular. This feeling would have easily consumed me at any time in my lifetime, whether it is twenty or thirty, or forty years into being together. She is my backbone, my go-to person at all times, my partner in crime to all the things we are yet to do, my biggest supporter and my truest critic, and the love of my life. Her absence in any form is bound to bring in a flood of emotions that cannot be held back. I go through them every time I leave for work. I go through them every time she does her night shift. There is a certain comfort we have with each other. Anything that breaks it causes pain to both of us.

I am sure wherever she is, she must be suffering through all these, maybe more. She must be missing me and dying to get back to me. For once I will be the one missing her the most. Cause I am the one at our home, not her. She used to be the one to feel the loneliness this place can assert upon you when I leave. I have also felt it at the lowest amount. In this short time of a single day, I am getting a hang of how hard it can be.

Next question: why am I feeling all this?

Isn’t this what a human is supposed to feel? Isn’t this what anyone would feel if he finds himself all alone one fine day, his wife missing along with all the people in his city?

This feeling is being catapulted by a sense of loss. It is the loss of our near and dear ones that pushes these feelings and emotions onto us. I might not have responded like this if I had her with me. I am sure that I would have thanked the Gods for having her with me in this situation. We would have definitely tried to contact our parents and our siblings. When that doesn’t succeed, panic would have come over us. But we do have each other. We have each other to comfort and pacify and to hug. A warm hug does miracles. We have each other for that. It makes us strong. We are strong together. We would have maybe thought of driving down to them since they are the next of our kin that matters to us.

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I can only imagine how we would have responded to the situation. In reality, it could be very different. We are humans and we really don't know what comes over us at any point in time.

Does it mean the sense of free will is false? Does it imply the control we feel we have is something being simulated in us, that in reality, we don't have any control at all? Can it be the moments were we do things out of our control the moment when the system glitches, thereby revealing to us our true nature?

Chaos. That's all there is. That is what made us and drives us. We are all chaos. Our surroundings are all chaos.

But it is all being made to come in order. By whom? No idea!

I have heard people talking about how the universe is a cradle for chaos. Every second it exists, it is expanding the chaos in it. But somehow, it is trying to be reigned in and made orderly. Is there an entity in play here or is it just how things are? Like the two sides of a coin. What good is chaos if there isn’t any order? Does chaos have any meaning the second order dies out? Will such a situation ever come? If it comes, will chaos let it happen? For if it does then there is no meaning to it. Without order, chaos has no meaning. So wouldn’t it also cease to exist?

The mixture of order and chaos across all the dimensions in space and time - from the lowest one to the highest - is like a chemical solution that is still undergoing the chemical reaction. I don't think any one of them is vying to vanquish the other. As I said earlier that triumph has no meaning. Both of them are trying to come to an equilibrium. Reaching that state is like reaching zen. When yin and yang come together to form a harmonious whole. I think when that happens, everything in this universe will know what its purpose is - to be a part of the process that drives it to the state of zen, the harmonious whole.

What will happen after this state is reached? Will the universe cease to exist? Or is it the beginning of something else, something more significant than the universe? What can it be? Can we ever comprehend it? Does it make any sense to comprehend it? We have played our parts and that is it. We are done. We are out of the equation. We will not live to see what comes next. Like the long essay answers we write for our mathematics exam in high school that stretch across pages with numbers and letters coming and being equated to and going after they have played the part. The starting equation doesn’t know how it is going to end up. It is born with its end and purpose instilled in it.

I am talking too much nonsense. Even if this is true or false, it doesn’t apply to what I am going through. Maybe it does. But that is not the problem here. I need to find out what has happened and why it happened. For that, I cannot sit here and entertain all these thoughts.

They did give me break though. They did make me think in a much more rational way than I would ever have if I was clouded over by loss.

I get up from the sofa. I had somehow managed to make myself comfortable in its arm. I usually don't do it but I was able to, thanks to the deep thoughts I entertained. It is now time to take some action.

The first thing I do is drink some water. I felt thirsty all of a sudden upon getting up. It must be all the talking I was doing to myself in my head while I was thinking. I gulp down half of the bottle. Not in a hurry though, but at a good pace. I look at the clock for the time. It is seven twenty-six. I turn and make my way to the front door. I grab the scooter key from the wall, open the multiple locks of the door and close the door behind me.

Once out, I am greeted by the freshness of the morning air. I should have just stood by on the balcony to clear my head a little. I should be doing that more often - turning to nature and its healing properties whenever I feel burdened.

There is a slight chill in the air. I like it. I wear my crocs and make my way to the staircase. I don't ring the calling bell of our opposite house. I know no one is going to respond to it. Nor will I ring the calling bells of any other houses in the building. I must accept things for what they are.

As I reach the landing of the first floor, I am greeted by the cawing of a couple of crows that fly away on seeing me. It makes my ears prick and pick up the shrill sounds of the birds in our owner's home. Do they know their master is no longer with them? Do they know that they will never be fed again? I can maybe feed them. But for that, I will have to break open his house and enter it. Or do some daredevilry. The birds are kept in the open area on their top floor. I can probably jump into the parapet and from there scale the low wall that borders the open area.

We cannot see these birds from our balcony. They are hidden by the curtains that cover the area in which they are housed. But they make their presence felt every now and then. If I hear them loudly and clearly whenever I talk to her over the phone, it means she has put the phone on a loudspeaker and is in our bedroom. If it is weaker, she is in the kitchen or any of the other rooms. The weakest is when she is in the hall. Sometimes in the silence that hangs between us during emotional conversations, it is these sounds that bring back a sense of warmth and togetherness in us. I have seen how dogs can do this in the Instagram stories that flood her account. I know this is quite possible with any kind of pet you have. Never have I ever thought these birds that don’t belong to us could bring in such a feeling. That too from a distance with only their cries.

Nature is surprising. It has always been surprising us from our inception. We are after all a part of her, which we forget most of the time. Does she hold the answer that I seek? Does she know what has happened? I proceed to take the next flight of stairs.