I have had a pretty normal life. There haven’t been many eventful things in it. Because of that, I have never been pushed to an extreme state. I have never been depressed. I have a couple of friends who have gone through it and come out strong. Their personal story is the closest I have come to know about it. As I sit here on the floor with my back against the door, a feeling of sinking takes over me. I feel like I am drowning. I don’t know how to swim in these waters. I think this is depression. I think I am going through it for the first time in my life. From the initial look of it, I hate it.

This space belongs to us. Our safest space is in the arms of each other. The next thing is this house we call our home. We are tenants here. We know we would have to leave it at some point. Till then we decided this would be our home. She said this house becomes a home when I am there. It is the same for me. For her, it implies that for the time I am away for work it is just a house. She expresses the sadness that comes over her on days when she comes home to find it empty. She misses my presence everywhere - from making coffee in the kitchen to sharing our meals at the dining table. It is always difficult for her to come back here and find it empty. I came to realize this after my first hitch at work. When I came back I felt happy and joyful. I felt the emptiness when she took her night shift. Although it was for a short period, when I called it a night and hit my bed, I missed her. It took me some time to sleep. I woke up multiple times. I ran my hand to hug her and felt it go over an empty bed. I got what she went through on those lonely nights.

There were plenty of days when she would call me at work and burst into tears. She would have been jovial when the call began. Somewhere during the conversation, the loneliness would hit her. Her voice would crack and become croaky and teary. I catch onto this change and try to assure her that I am always with her. I keep saying that even though we are separated by this distance. It is just a physical distance that would be over when I come back home. Mentally and emotionally we are always together. I don’t know if what I said about the emotional part is true. If it is then she wouldn’t have these bouts of loneliness. She wouldn’t have to go through it. All I want to express is that we are together in each other's thoughts.

When two souls come together a deep bond is formed between them. This bond allows them to feel each other to a very good extent. It always makes them understand the other in a better way. A telepathic link is established between them. I have felt this on numerous occasions. They occur when we are apart. She thinks the exact same thing that was in my head and shares it just when I am about it. Then there are the plentiful occasions where a slight change in the voice can give you a clear picture of the change in the mood. Over time we have gotten used to sensing this in a much more refined way. The pauses, the tone, and the words used, all contribute to this. It has become a way of our life. I gauge her mood when we talk over the phone as well as the video calls. Her facial expressions are more than enough for me to know what she is thinking or going through. The subtle movements of her eyes, the pursing of her lips, and the stares, all convey silent messages. We both talk without speaking. We both listen without hearing.

A sofa lies right in the middle of the room. I think of all the warm and cozy moments we have shared on it. Sometimes I would sit down on the floor. She would play with my hair as we watched something. It would lead to her grabbing the bottle of hair oil and applying it to my head. She loves it. She would meticulously be on task and keep her eyes on the TV at the same time. She is really good at multitasking. I am not. If I was watching something I would be fully focused on it. She could shift her focus. When she was done with me, we would trade positions. I would oil her hair. She has nice long hair. I love it.

Right beside the sofa, we have put up a low seating arrangement. I remember how we were going about deciding what to buy and how to set it up. We have put a single cot bedding on the floor along with some sofa and seat cushions. I love the design of the cushions. She bought them. She has excellent taste when it comes to these matters. This space has come in handy at times. It was used as a large seating to host our first Onam together. We had laid out our Onasadhya on the floor and had our parents and friends sit here and share the meal with us. We have also used it for playing our board games with her colleagues. Beyond all that it has been widely used by the two of us to cuddle down and fall asleep. On days when our bedroom remains hot from the morning heat, we take to sleeping here. The vast expanse of the room and the presence of large windows make the room much more bearable. We lie down on it, put something on the TV, and fall asleep watching it.

There are two tables in the hall. Both of them have four chairs. One of them is round, the other a standard rectangular table. Initially, the round one was used to keep her books and stuff. We used the rectangular one as our dining table. Over time when I started to buy books and stationery, we found it difficult to fit them on the round one. It crowded quickly. She used it as her study table. She sat amidst all the stuff and studies. I found it to be uncomfortable. It felt awkward - the whole positioning of the table and how it was wasting space and utility. I suggested interchanging them so that the dining table would become where we keep our books and where she would sit and study. It was much easier to place it in the corner. The wall would be used as support. We did this. My book pile quickly found a place on the right corner while her books took the left corner. All our stationery fell in the middle. There was ample space in the front half for her to keep her laptop or books and study. I feel a sense of comfort in seeing her study now. The round table became our dining table. It was the right table for our small dining needs. We placed six chairs around it. One went to the study table and the last one was kept as a backup. This setup proved to be great while playing games. Everyone found themselves in an equal and comfortable position.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

We wanted to have some plants in the house. She loves plants. Back in her house, she took it upon herself to look after the roses, bougainvilleas, and rest of the flowering plants. Her house has a wide open space. She has planted lots of plants and shrubs. On holidays she would get out and take time and effort to tend to them. One day we got a money plant as a gift. It was in a beautiful white bottle. It surely attracted some attention when it was discovered by her colleagues. This gave us the impetus to buy more plants. When we went home, we bought some from a nursery right next to my house. It was new. My mom was a regular customer. We got it at good rates. On coming back to Trivandrum, she immediately got to planting them in the few pots we had brought along. Mother had given her some water plants. She took some effort and remodeled a used Pringles can to hold them.

We kept some of the potted plants out on our balcony. They were watered regularly. Soon they began flowering one at a time. It was beautiful. But the sun was not at all merciful. When we went to our hometown it scorched them. They died. It was futile to keep them out in the sun. We had some inside the hall. They died due to a lack of sunlight. She decided to stick to water plants. We have a couple of them on the table right beside where I sulk now and a couple of them near the wash basin. The cacti that I bought didn’t survive. We never watered it. Still, it wilted away. She was upset about seeing that. She went and bought a couple of them to replace the wilted one. Two months later they started showing signs of wilting. I think it is the moisture in the atmosphere. These cacti are meant to last in this scorching heat. I think they need a dry atmosphere. Not moist. We decided not to buy them anymore.

Her presence lingers throughout the house. I can visualize her in every corner of it. I know what she would be doing at a certain place along with her actions and conversations. I think I now truly feel how it is to be back here knowing your significant other is not with you. She must have gone through this every single day when I was away for work.

I take a couple of deep breaths and calm down. I sit in silence for a couple of minutes. There is an eeriness to it, I try ignoring it. If whatever has happened is here to stay then I must get used to it. I wish when I go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow, things would have returned to normal. Maybe this is a day like no other. Or maybe this is a dream of sorts. A glitch? I don’t know.

I am an avid fan of the Matrix movies. They have explored an awesome concept and tried to put their twist on it. No matter how exciting the action gets, or how amazingly the stunts are executed, the concept mooted in it is something to be pondered upon. Are we in a simulation? What is real? Is what I have felt till yesterday real? If so then what is today? Why is this happening? Is this a glitch in the matrix? (I like that line a lot. I tend to use them in these kinds of conversations.) If so I hope they would reset it and get it back to normal.

I want my life to be as it was yesterday. I want my Anna back. I want the people back. I want everything back to normal. This is unfair to me. I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want to. I want to go back to being what I was, having what I had. I have always been grateful for it. Does that work?

I can go on like this. But it doesn't change the fact that for now, this is my reality. I have to deal with it. It feels as if someone just took away the cards I was dealt out of the blue when I turned to grab a drink. It was a normal hand, nothing special, and yet I was robbed of it. I don’t know if I can even play the game anymore. It seems there are rules that I never knew about.

I get up and walk towards the kitchen. There is a bottle of chocolate spread in the fridge. I take it out along with a couple of eggs. I light the stove, take a frying pan, and heat it above the flame. I break the eggs and let them slide into the pan. I take a plate, take out the four slices of bread in it and apply the spread on two of them. I eat them. When the eggs are done I transfer them to my plate and sprinkle some salt and pepper on it. I want to have tea but I don’t feel like making it. I need to lie down and sleep. I feel tired of all this. I want peace.