I am a coward. I haven't done many courageous things in my life. I have been scared of a lot of things as a child. I got over some of them as time passed. The rest have remained with me. They have pretty much retained their scariness from the time I had been exposed to them. There is no way that I am going to climb on top of this wall and jump. That is so not me.

I did have second thoughts when I stood on the edge of the plank, ready to take the plunge when we had gone to do Bungee jumping. I knew I was safe and sound among the professionals making this happen. I wasn’t afraid. I was scared, but I knew nothing would happen to me. I would come back alive from it. When it comes to keeping my life on the line, I will back off immediately. I don't want to die anytime soon. There is so much to see and do in this lifetime. I want to experience all that I can in the limited time I have on this planet and then have a peaceful death.

If you think I had suicidal thoughts right now, you are very wrong. I didn’t have any. I don't think I have it in me to take my own life. It requires immense courage. Also, I can’t fathom the situation a person has to be to commit suicide. I haven't had any such situations. My life has been good. It has been a great journey for which I am eternally grateful.

Having lost my wife in such strange circumstances should push me to my limits. I am at my limits. Just that ending my life is never a solution to the problem. How will my death bring her back? If it could then maybe I can try. I again say try because I am afraid. I don't want to suffer as my life ends. I want it to be peaceful and tranquil. I really would like my death to occur in my sleep, where I drift off from my dreams into the worlds beyond, without knowing much pain or what caused it. But death isn’t easy.

When someone dies, they affect all the people around them. They leave a void in the hearts of all the people that have loved them and have been a part of their life. This is one aspect not taken into consideration when you commit suicide. You are often thinking just about yourself. You fail to account for all the people in your life, how their lives would be affected by your selfish decision, and how that can lead to cascading effects.

Unless you are truly alone on the planet, your death will affect everyone near and dear to you. Currently, I am alone. But I believe all the people that have disappeared will come back. That is what I am striving for. That is what I am trying to figure out. That is what fuels me, the hope they will return and things will go back to being normal.

Then I will not be alone. I will have my near and dear ones with me. This time I will surely make it a point to tell them how much they mean to me. The current circumstance has made me realize the need to appreciate the friendships and relationships we have with our near and dear ones. We should express it, let them know how important they are to us, remind them of the role they have played in making our life happier and brighter, recollect all the good and bad times, the laughter and tears, everything.

I back off from the edge and walk back to my scooter. I don't want to waste my time entertaining dubious thoughts. There is no room for it. But they will sneak in from time to time. I can delay them, keep them aside and focus on what needs to be done. I start my scooter and continue on the bridge. The dogs start barking loudly from down below. I stop at the side. The barks subside. They have settled their issues. Good for them. I get back on the road. The flyover ends. I can see the Palayam underpass right ahead. I take the side road beside it. It climbs away from the road leading to the underpass and joins at the main road in Palayam junction. I reach the junction and stop.

I look around the place to see if any changes had occurred in the past hour. The lights have gone off and shadows have taken their place. Sunlight is fading as it approaches the horizon. These are the few differences I can make out. Nothing else has changed anywhere on the road or the premises. It has become a bit more silent. I take the right turn and enter the main road. Chandrasekhar Nair stadium sits empty in front of me as I take the turn.

Instead of taking the free left towards the road leading to PMG junction from the front of the legislative assembly (the way I had taken to come to the city), I continue straight. I pass the fine arts college junction. On the left is the boundary of the church I had talked about. I can see the back end of the church from here. This site offers a better view of the church as it is closer to this end of the property. Soon the boundary wall gives way to the colorful wall of the G V Raja stadium.

Being the capital city and a growing hub for professionals and the youth alike, the state came up with this novel initiative of painting the walls of some of the iconic places in the city. There are more like murals, not graffiti. The scheme is called Arteria. I came to know about it from this wall on my left.

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After moving to Kottayam, I had to visit the city for some work. My friend picked me up from the station and took this route while going to his home. I asked him why he didn’t take the free left. That was the easier route. He said he wanted to show me something. As the wall started I saw these beautiful paintings drawn on them. I followed the first one to a point where it stopped and the next one began. He told me this art initiative would be implemented in different parts of the city soon. I told him to slow down so as to get a good look at it. He suggested we park it nearby and see it walking along the pavement. I was up for it.

I was very impressed by all the artwork I came across throughout the length of the wall. It was a really good walk. He too had an artistic inclination. Whenever we came across something that interested us, we would stop and discuss it. It can be anything - the way the artist has expressed his thoughts and ideas or the fresh perspective of something very familiar to us. When we finished it, we had covered one side of the stadium. We had to walk back. It didn’t feel bad at all cause we were talking about how awesome this initiative is by the authorities. I asked him where else would this be implemented. Apart from the part of the wall of the zoo that was painted recently, he said he didn’t have much idea.

After having moved to Trivandrum and traveled throughout the city for various purposes I have come across some more of them. One of them has mesmerized me. It lies on the bypass, near Akkulam. The small hillock had to be cut through for the road to be widened. They reinforced the sides of the hillock with concrete to ensure its integrity. On this concrete wall, a mural depicting the women of our culture is painted at full height and width. It is huge. It caught my attention instantly. I had to slow down my car to have a good look at it. Whenever I pass through this route, I make it a point to look at it and be amazed. I can only wonder about the effort that had gone into making such a huge painting.

I look at the murals as I continue my ride. I had shown her these when I moved here and had to take this road. Since we were in the car and couldn’t stop for long, we decided to come and see it properly some other time. When I had seen it the first time, it stayed in my head for days. I even clicked some pictures and went through them for a couple of days. Later on, I had to delete them to free up my mobile space. When I saw them again, I couldn’t recollect them much.

If they can take away the pain I carry and give me an explanation as to the current scenario, I will gladly get out of my scooter and comb them for it. Sadly they can’t.

I reach LMS junction. I am supposed to take the free left to join the road through which I came. But I come to a halt in front of the junction. A car stands still adjacent to the divider on the opposite side of the road to my left. It must have stood there for a vehicle to pass before taking the turn. I see a bike lying on the pavement against the entrance of the church. This is the reason for the parked car. I think this is the first one I am seeing on the road that had not crashed.

This stretch of road comes alive during Onam, Christmas, and New year. There are huge trees flanking the road. They would be draped in lights from top to bottom. The two churches on either end of this stretch would have decorated their premises with lights and stars and all things Christmasy. Even though the Palayam church lacks frontage, it makes up with its huge towering spire. At the top of the spire, an idol of christ with his arms open greets everyone. It is an iconic symbol of the city. Taking the idol as the focal point, rows of stars with lights in them would be strung on wires and pinned down to the walls and the buildings nearby, creating a cascading effect. When they are lit, they mesmeric everyone with flowy patterns as they blink in tandem.

I haven't been inside LMS church or its premises. They have a men's hostel here. I had a friend in college who used to stay here for a couple of years. He used to describe to us the whole setup of the hostel, about the seniors and other hostel mates from various wakes of life. It was not confined to harboring college students. It housed young adults doing part-time courses or preparations for competitive exams. They had access to the state central library, which was a two-minute walk.

Whenever the name LMS pops up, the image that comes into my head is that of the front facade of the church. It is made out of stone, which gives it a raw look. I won’t say it has gothic features. The rubble masonry doesn’t resemble it in any form. The rawness of the stones used is very much perceptible. It hasn’t been painted on also, which is really nice. They have preserved it the way it was made. That is the reason why the image is stuck in my head. It just stands out from the rest of the crowd.

I look at my watch. It is nearly five. In an hour's time daylight will start to fade. I need to prepare for it. I need to get back to my home and put things in order. I have supplies to last for the coming few days. The fridge we have isn’t that great, but that's okay. Maybe I can use the perishable items in it tonight and figure out something else for tomorrow. I do have time. I can take the right turn. It is a longer route passing through Museum and Kowdiar junction and joining the main road at Pattom.

At the same time, I need to be in Pongumoodu junction at six. I need to make sure I am there even if no one turns up. I have made a commitment and I need to stick to it. It may or may not be fruitful. That is not in my hands. I need to do what I had intended to do. One hour is more than enough. I will make it. But I don't want to take any chances. I don't know if I will get held up with something along this route.

I find it tough to take a decision. I shut my eyes and think hard. I finally decide not to take the longer route and stick to the one I came in. I take the left turn with the thought of exploring this area tomorrow if the situation persists. I hope that I wake up to the ordinary world.