Vol.2 Chap.39 Deja Vu

The dirge was slow and sad. Each note was long, unsteady, and drawn out. Every note was a minor chord. Every chord rose and fell as the ebbing of the waves. Every sound tucked at her heart. There was a question in each bar of music asking for a reason.

Why? Why? Why?

She did not know why, neither did all the surrounding people. The dirge continued, on and on and on. With each note, something in her heart disappeared. With each sound, a little more of her life was taken away. There were no answers, only questions; no happiness in the air, only sadness; no joy, only disappointment; no laughs, only sobs.

She was holding a full-size picture of Haw-Ting in front of her. She walked slowly together with Haw-Ting’s parents. They had been like parents to her, but they were not Haw-Ting. Though they greeted her, she sensed that there was a coldness in their tone. They were polite, but the warmth was missing.

You can blame me for all you want, that is ok but that will not turn the clock back.

The procession wound through the streets to May-Ling’s house. Then the procession slowly turned towards the clinic. More people joined the procession. For a fleeting moment, she thought she saw Jar-Li’s face near one of the side streets. The face did not speak of revenge or hatred, but sorrow and apology. But when she looked again, the face was gone.

Finally, the procession came up the hill and stopped at the Temple. She was tired and emotionally drained. So, she asked Doctor Wu to dispense with the crowd. Still, quite several marchers, all former patients of the clinic, came and shook her hands and expressed their condolences. Many of them also stuff money into her hands. After dismissing the musicians, Doctor Wu came and pulled her aside.

“May-Ling, I understand that this is not an easy time for you. Why don’t you take a few days off? When you are ready, come in and we can talk.”

She nodded with appreciation.

“Don’t worry about the clinic. We can manage in the meantime until you are ready.”

“Thank you, Doctor Wu.”

“Good, I better hurry back to the hospital for my afternoon rounds. I will see you in a few days, then.”

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She nodded. Words seemed to be caught in her throat.

The afternoon sun was setting. With the crowd dispersed, May-Ling craved the solitude for a moment. She plodded back up the dirt road to the temple.

At the back row of the temple, she sat alone. There were a few other people on the next bench. She did not know who they were. She only heard them coming in and sitting there, but she had been frozen in her seat and had not had the energy to turn her head sideward to see who had come in.

Barely hearing whispers behind her now and then, she sensed that there were other people, friends, colleagues, fellow-mourners around her. But she was alone and lonely. She did not want to face anyone. Occasionally, there would be a sob over here at this corner of the room and a sniffle over there.

Sometimes, there would be a short and hushed conversation at the back. But no one dared to come up to say anything to her, and no one had the courage to put arms around her. There was no comfort and no consolation.

Time had ceased to exist.

She sat there on the front bench for a long, long time. She would not move; she could not move; she did not want to move. As long as the door to the shrine was open, she would sit. She knew people came and left. She sensed the setting sun outside from the chill in the air. Yet she would not move.

She resolved never to move till she had found the answer.

The setting sun cast long shadows all around her. She could pick out the shadows of two bunches of flowers tastefully woven on wreaths placed on bamboo easels. Above the two wreaths were hangings of the Buddha of Nature, teaching a group of disciples in gardening and forestry. There was another hanging of collected sayings from the same Buddha.

She tried to read the writing, but was too far to read. Normally, she had perfect vision and should be able to read the writings and admire the calligraphy. But today, her eyes were swollen, and she had no heart for that.

In the far corner of the room was a large Buddha statue flanked by several smaller Buddha statues. No doubt, that must be the Buddha of Nature. She saw several people come in, with incense burning in their hands. They would put the incense in front of the Buddha, bow three times, and then kneel with their prayers. Then they would stand up and bow three more times before going about their business.

The shadows were getting longer. A priest came in and sat behind her. He gently placed a glass of water and a piece of bread next to her. She half-turned her head and nodded her head. She wanted to say thank you, but the words got stuck in her throat. It sounded more like a croak than any intelligible words. But the priest understood.

He sat behind her for a while mumbling some prayers and then left after a while. Even though he said nothing to her, she felt there was warmth and care reaching her, meeting her where she was, wherever she was. She took a deep breath. She took a drink of the water. The bread she left untouched. She had no interest in the food. She was not hungry.

The sun was just about gone. It was hard to make out the things in the room. Several priests came in to light the oil lamps. There was a sense of déjà vu inside her. She sat silently in the temple as her mind traveled between the past twenty years of her life and the present. So much had happened. So much was gained and lost. Yet one thing remained unchanged.

You must finish my work…

The words of her father rang clear in her mind.

You must finish my work…

Yet the words brought no comprehension, no comfort, no explanation.