Vol.2 Chap.33 Retreating to her inner sanctum

As the taxi pulled into the train station, May-Ling slowly came to her senses. She was rather numbed, stupefied, mechanical, and disembodied as she watched Doctor Wu as if from above paying the taxi driver with a healthy tip for all the trouble they caused, watching him help her stagger into the train terminal and sit down on the bench closest to the ticket counter. When he went to purchase tickets for the train ride, she wanted to help but seemed to have lost all motivation and control of her body.

He came back with the tickets and sat quietly next to her. When it was time to board the train, he picked up her bags while she walked like a robot toward the loading area. She was totally devoid of all emotions and motivations. She had no feelings at all.

The event with Haw-Ting hit her so hard causing her to retreat into her innermost sanctum. She was safe there. She refused to come out. All this time, he did not try to speak to her, but was as understanding and patient and supportive as possible.

Slowly, she accepted that this was not a joke, at least temporarily. She really had no reason to doubt his words. Her mind then searched for answers as guilt set in. The more she considered the matter, the more she blamed herself.

She was almost sure that it was Jar-Li. After all, this was not the first time that he displayed such a temper tantrum at the clinic. In the past, she would always let Jar-Li cut in line and treated him as soon as he came in. She forgot to tell Haw-Ting not to let Jar-Li wait. This whole incident might have easily been avoided if he would just treat him as soon as he came in. She should have remembered to mention this to him.

This was all her fault. She should have been more careful with her patients. In fact, she should not have even taken the time to go to the conference and abandoned all her patients. In fact, this whole experiment with Jar-Li, though originally her idea, had turned out to become her fault.

“This is entirely my fault, Doctor Wu.” She muttered softly.

“No, it is not.”

“Yes, it is. It is all my fault. Jar-Li was my patient. I should not have abandoned my patient.”

Her conscience was working overtime.

“You did not abandon your patient.”

“Yes, I did. I failed him.”

Denial turned into guilt.

“You cannot be there every day for your patients.”

“I should have delayed one day on my departure.”

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

“You are carrying too much load of the clinic.”

“I should not have gone to the United States at all.”

“What you have done is for the whole medical community.”

“But at the sacrifice of my husband?”

“No, no, no. May-Ling. You cannot think that way. This is not your fault at all.”

“But it is!”

“No one can predict what will happen. You could not have known that this would happen.”

“It is all my fault. I should not have gone. It is my fault…”

Tremendous guilt descended on her, engulfing her.

She retreated back to her inner sanctum.

Doctor Wu tried as much as possible to comfort her, but to no avail. So, he thought it best to leave her alone for the time being. They were both silent for the rest of the train trip. He sensed she was sinking deeper and deeper into the well of her own guilt. But he also knew that she had to be the one to pull herself out. No one could help her at this juncture.

As the train pulled into Xilon, their destination, she saw that the entire staff of the Tsai-Chen Clinic was there, lining up along the platform. When the train stopped, he carried her bags with one hand and held on to her with the other.

As soon as she stepped off the platform, the entire clinic staff converged on her. They all had been crying. What a sorry bunch to behold. With disheveled hair, bulging eyes, and bewildered faces, they rushed to meet her to shake her hands and to express their condolences in between sobs and crying.

“Doctor Chen, I am so sorry about what happened.” Ling-Ling, a volunteer student nurse, said.

“Doctor Chen, it happened so fast, none of us knew what happened until it happened.” Nung-Ye, a long-time nurse that worked at the clinic, said.

“Doctor Chen, I was at the back cleaning up the treatment room. I heard the commotions and ran out to the front. But I was too late. I saw Jar-Li holding the brass urn and Doctor Tsai writhing painfully on the floor.” An orderly said.

“Oh Doctor Chen, we were all afraid that Jar-Li would come after us afterwards.” Ling-Ling added.

“Ling-Ling shouted at Jar-Li, but I told her to keep quiet.” Nung-Ye said. “I just wanted to see if Doctor Tsai was OK. Ling-Ling followed and tried to attend to Doctor Tsai.”

“I left through the back door to flag down a policeman.” Another orderly chimed in.

“In the commotion, Jar-Li slipped away quietly.”

“Ya, none of us know when he left or where he disappeared to.”

“Oh, this was terrible. Doctor Chen.”

“Yes, very terrible.”

“It was horrible.”

May-Ling hugged each one and cried.

They all huddled and cried.

The entire atmosphere on the train station was somber and stifling.

It was now May-Ling’s turn. Time to sink or swim.

She either shrank deeper into her hole of guilt or she came out fighting. She saw that her helpers were all stricken with grief. Of course, she liked to go down the same path with them, but she could also fight to dig herself out of the hole, the rut that she was trapped in.

Somehow, something inside of her stirred.

Go on. Fight on. Don’t give up. Your work is not done. You must finish my work…

Her father’s words rang clear in her mind.

No, you cannot give up right now. You must continue…

Muster up what little strength inside of her, she thanked each of her staff and helpers as dear friends. They were in fact more than friends, but compatriots as they all shared the same vision and purpose as her. Losing Haw-Ting was therefore as much a loss to them as it was to her.

She encouraged her helpers to be strong. “Thank you for coming to meet me.” She stuttered out the words. “We still have a clinic. We still have one another. We still have our mission.”

They were surprised at what came out of her. The words even shocked May-Ling herself.

“All this had happened so suddenly. Please go home and take today off to remember Doctor Tsai. Let’s meet at the clinic tomorrow. In the meantime, let me consider what we should do and how we would continue our work and our mission.”

She sent them home for the day with pay.