Chapter Twelve - Vending Machines

“Our only goals are to help our vanguard, and in doing so, help humanity!”

-- Bleriot, AI companion of Three Swipes, in an interview with Cyberstar, January 2022

***

I glared at the vending machine. “Are you serious?” I asked.

Lucy shrugged. She had a crutch in one hand and the other was pressed against the machine before her. “Look,” she said as she poked the screen next to the machine. She selected something from the top shelf, some sort of white-bread sandwich thing that was probably stale and stank of preservatives and yet still tasted stupidly okay.

The screen flashed as soon as it finished connecting with her gear.

TRANSACTION ACCEPTED!

“Okay?” I asked.

TRANSACTION DENIED!

The machine stayed quiet. Lucy shook her fist, it looked as if she was about to punch the damned thing, but she held herself back. It was probably for the best. The more expensive vending machines had hidden tear gas sprayers to piss off vandals and the like.

“It even took my credits!” Lucy said.

I sighed. It was weird being more concerned about shitty sandwiches stuck in uncaring machines than the literal alien invasion going on, but there was little better to do. Marie had been right about the kids needing a break. It looked like every last one of them was lining up to take a piss while Marie and Baldy and that jock looking guy kept watch around the nearest corridors.

“Want me to try?” I asked.

“You got more credits than I do?” she asked.

I shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve got...” I frowned. “About a grand? A bit less than that, in my account. That’s enough for, uh.” I looked at the price of a sandwich and blanched. “That’s enough for one of those. Damn. You tried twice?”

“Three times,” Lucy said.

“Right,” I said. I stared at the ID logo set on the front of the machine and waited for my gear to finally clue in that I wanted something from it.

I believe I will make encouraging you to upgrade some of your equipment a priority.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

Lucy blinked at me. “Is it working?”

“Eventually,” I said. “I’m talking to Myalis. The, uh, Samurai AI thing living in my head.”

Lucy beamed. “Say hi for me!”

Please return the greetings.

“She... it says hi,” I said. My eye gear finally pinged the vending machine. I poked at the floating images of buttons on the front plate, then watched the transaction connect on my end. The little counter I had for my credit account told me I’d dropped 800CR on some shitty grub.

TRANSACTION ACCEPTED!

“Hey, it wor--”

TRANSACTION DENIED!

I glared at the two words floating an inch off of a no-doubt expensive holographic display. “That is not cool,” I said.

I can help!

“You can help? How?”

“Myalis wants to help? Oh, and tell her that I think her name is pretty,” Lucy said.

I glared at her, but it bounced off the barrier of her enthusiasm and did nothing. She was more excited about the whole brain-AI thing than I was. It didn’t seem to be that big a deal. Samurai were... generally insane. Yeah, maybe I should have been a little more worried after all.

Tell Lucy that her name is in the top percentile of attractive names. Also, I can assist you by contacting the machine’s internals and liberating its contents. This is a free service!

“She said your name is ugly as sin,” I said.

“Aww, she’s nice!” Lucy said. Then she reached up and pinched my cheek. “But you’re not. Don’t lie for poor Myalis. She didn’t deserve to be stuck in your head.”

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

I batted her hand away. “Jerk,” I said.

“No you,” she shot right back.

Shaking my head, I nodded to the machine. “Have fun,” I said. “And, uh, is hacking into things always a free service?”

It is merely something I am capable of doing. Seeing as how my purpose is to assist you, it makes sense that I would help when I can. You can also not afford the far more nutritious foods available through my catalogues. Until then, this sort of sustenance will have to do.

“You’re a gem,” I said.

Technically, I’m more of a hyper-dense carbon wafer. But I am somewhat gem-like, so I’ll accept the compliment with the grace it was given.

The vending machine whirled to life and started disgorging its entire contents out of the shoot at the bottom. I raised an eyebrow as more and more food piled up in the out tray.

“Oh shoot, it’ll jam!” Lucy said before dropping to her knees to empty the machine. The other machines in the little nock, one filled with sodas, the other eighteen different flavours of tap water, all started vomiting bottles and cans. The kids that had finished up already rushed over with yells of delight.

I was about to praise Myalis when the machine before me’s screen flashed and the bored face of some thirty-something Asian man appeared. “Please place all items from the defective machine to the side until a Chillmaster representative can repair the machine. Taking any items from this device would be theft, and will be punished with the full power of Chiimaster’s legal and paralegal defence squad.”

“Is this thing live?” I asked.

“It is,” the man said. “Are you the perpetrator of this crime? Please identify yourself for the record.”

“Yeah, no. You won’t be getting any reps around here. Alien incursion and all. Should be on the news.”

“Even in times of great emergency, it is still a violation of our TOS to remove the contents of our machines without--”

I glared at the machine and pulled out my Trench Master. What they said about hammers and nails meant that hitting things with your hammer worked some of the time, I figured.

“Is there a discount for pissed off Samurai?” I asked. “Because I don't know if anyone has invented a gun that can shoot people through cameras, but I'm willing to give it a try.”

The man stared for a moment, then looked off to the side. The ‘click clack’ of a tactile keyboard came through for a moment before his eyes widened. “Ah, please forgive Chillmaster corp, miss Samurai. Your intrusion software didn’t announce itself as belonging to you. Please take the contents of this machine, and any other, as a free sample from Chillmaster, and please consider doing business with us in the future.”

The image winked out.

“What?” I asked.

“Did you just scare that guy into giving us free stuff?” Lucy asked. It came out garbled on account of the sandwich she was still chewing on.

I stared at my gun, then at the vending machine. “I guess?”

“We should go shopping,” Lucy said.

“There’s an apocalyptic alien invasion going on,” I said.

“You just don’t like shopping,” Lucy shot back. “Ask Myalis if she likes shopping.”

I do.

“No,” I said. “I’m... you make sure the kids are fed and stuff. I’m going to go scout ahead. Like I should have been doing before someone asked for help getting a sandwich.”

Lucy actually had the good grace to look ashamed, then she ruined it by gesturing my way with her sandwich as if it was a peace offering. The puppy-dog-eyes didn’t help any.

“I’m going before nun-girl tells me that I’m bad at my new job.” I said as I turned around. I snatched a can of soda out of the hands of one of the nearest brats and stomped off.

I cringed a few steps later. It was diet.

***