Chapter Forty-Four - The Weltraum-Gewittermeister Tesla-Kollisionsgenerator

"No Catherine, a group of AI isn't called a glitch."

--Correspondence between Protector AI Myalis and Samurai Stray Cat, 2057

***

"I had to set this up in a hurry, and I didn't want to use up too many points on something so non-essential, so forgive me if it's not as great as it could be," Grasshopper said as she led us into a strange tent next to the command area.

It was strange from the outside, the walls made of a glossy white material that reflected sunlight in a weird way. The walls seemed thick for a tent too, but otherwise it didn't stand out too much. If I was driving by, I wouldn't give it a second glance.

The interior, however, was way stranger.

There was a carpet, for one. Or maybe it was a rug? I didn't know enough to tell the difference. Lights hung from the ceiling in little strips, casting a yellow glow against the walls, and there was a large television screen at the far end of the room.

There was a single couch off to one side. It was beige with green specks that I soon realized were little cartoon grasshoppers patterned into the material. Other than that the only furniture was a mini fridge humming in the corner.

"I tried to make it feel homey. I think everyone should order their own chairs, but if you don't have a catalogue for it, just ask! I don't mind! Oh, there's snacks in the mini-fridge, please feel free to take anything you want."

Grasshopper clapped her many hands together and smiled at the lot of us.

I glanced back. I was here with Gomorrah and Princess and Knight, but Hedgehog was taking up the rear with Tankette and Rac was here too, next to Gros Baton. "So... what's the goal here?" I asked.

"It's a viewing party," she said. "I sent a message to my friends in the Night Watchmen network and they agreed to patch us into their feed for the big event. It would be a shame to only learn what happened via reports instead of seeing it for ourselves."

"They have cameras that good?" Gomorrah asked. "For a live feed, I mean."

"The time delay is somewhat mitigated," Grasshopper said. "Though I didn't look into the mechanics of it. I believe our front-row cameras are provided by the Keiretsu. They have monitoring drones closer to Phobos than anything else. Let me set things up while everyone makes themselves comfortable!"

Tankette stepped up, tilted her head, and... didn't quite hum something? Was she sub-vocalising? A moment later a seat thumped onto the rug a step before her. It was... a tank chair. Like, not a chair from a tank, probably, but a large, armoured lay-z-boy style recliner made of metal with thick rivets and a canvas-covered seat.

"Did you ever get a furniture catalogue?" Gomorrah asked me.

"No? Did you?"

She nodded. "For the house. Atyacus, as discussed." A seat appeared for her too. A sort of love seat, all black leather with a subtle bit of black embroidery on it that hinted at flames without there actually being any.

"Fuck ça, j'vais me chercher une chaise normale. Tu veux quelque chose?" Gros Baton asked Rac. She shrugged, then left with him, supposedly on a quest to find some chairs.

I squinted at a free spot on the ground. Did I have any catalogues with access to chairs? Did I even want to spend points on a chair to begin with?

If you're wondering, your Class I Medical Utilities catalogue does have seating available, but I'm afraid it won't be anything too comfortable. Your Sunwatcher Technologies catalogue does have seating that should fit a human physiology.

That sounded like a somewhat suspicious way of putting it. "Sure, nothing more than a dozen points or so. I don't want to be broke because of a chair," I muttered.

Certainly!

What appeared wasn't a chair. Chairs had right angles and a backrest and space for your ass. This thing looked like a padded bike seat at an angle, with cushions for the legs and a large pillow-like cushion at the front.

I stared for a moment, trying to figure out exactly how I was supposed to sit on it before it clicked. "Wait, it's like a bike?"

The seat, if I could call it that, was a flat padded board to rest my stomach on, with the largest cushion just above that like an elevated bean bag chair for my upper body.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

"That's an interesting seat," Gomorrah said. Her flat tone didn't disguise her amusement one bit.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up," I said. I wasn't going to toss it out now, or else I'd look like a coward. So I walked up to the chair...thing and fell down onto it. It took some shifting for me to figure out how to be comfortable on it--my knees had to rest on two pads, and most of my weight was supported by that flat padded bit that ran all the way from my crotch up to my lower ribs--but once I was there, it really wasn't all that bad. "Huh... this is nice on the back," I said. I did need to stretch my neck out a little to see the screen at the end of the room, though.

Hedgehog stared at my seat for a bit, then shook his head and soon summoned... a bean bag chair. It didn't suit the image I had of him at all, but it looked more comfortable than the fold-out chairs Gros Baton and Rac returned with a few minutes later.

"Will Crackshot be joining us?" Grasshopper asked.

Gomorrah shook her head. "He said he was going on a date in the group chat."

"With Emoscythe?" I asked.

"That's who he asked out?" Gomorrah asked.

"Yeah. I guess she said yes. He looked pretty excited about it all."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Grasshopper said. "I hope they have a nice time together. Emoscythe Mordeath Noir is a good friend of mine. I'm sure she'll treat Crackshot Cowboy well."

"You're not worried he might treat her wrong?" I asked.

"And live?" she wondered.

"... Yeah, nevermind, it was a stupid question."

It took a bit for things to get started. Grasshopper acted like a good host--even though she didn't need to--and made sure everyone had a drink nearby and access to snacks. Unfortunately her idea of a good drink was cold water or juice, and her idea of a snack was shit like celery.

I was convinced that no one actually liked celery. Eating celery was performative, like doing a little dance to get likes on your media feed.

I didn't have to endure the celery for too long, though. Less than an hour after we arrived, Grasshopper excitedly turned the screen on. It immediately connected to a channel that wasn't narrated or anything. This was raw footage of the inside of a command room of some sort.

Rows of seats facing inwards towards a huge display, people in lab-coats and suits sitting behind computers and waiting for something to happen. A few samurai. Well, there was no way of knowing if they were samurai for certain, but they were dressed differently than all the rest. I did recognize Doctor Radikal in the bunch.

"What's this footage?" I asked.

"Just the overview of the command room," Grasshopper said. "It's live. We'll be cutting to what they see once the operation starts."

"Do we have an ETA on that?" Gomorrah asked.

"We have another twenty minutes," Grasshopper said with a nod. "I wonder if the Keiretsu will be launching their own attack early."

"That'd go against the agreement, no?" Tankette asked. "It was the Germans, then them, then us, right? I wasn't paying too much attention, sorry."

"Yeah. The Network's not exactly German though," I said. "But close enough. I think Grasshopper means more... well, the Keiretsu's attack isn't going to be nearly as fast as the Network's. I mean, how fast is their super weapon, anyway?"

"As quick as gravity, I believe," Grasshopper said.

I didn't know how fast that was, but I had the impression that it was still faster than a suicidal drone swarm.

"Something's happening," Rac said. I glanced back at her, then up to the screen. It did, indeed, look like something was happening. The samurai were moving off to the side and the people at the desks were perking up. Some chatter came through, but it was all in German so I didn't have a sense of what was being said.

Then the screen switched to complete darkness.

It took me a moment to notice the faint lights of distant stars. A HUD appeared over the screen, then it zoomed in on a distant spec. The more it zoomed, the greyer it became until there was an image of a rock floating in space in the centre of the screen.

The wings could only mean that this was Phobos.

"Oh, I should have gotten popcorn," Grasshopper lamented.

***