image [https://i.ibb.co/6YjzDHL/131b.jpg]

Zooesium the Impetuous Paramecium was still snoring on top of the mountain outside of the fartcano, due to the stinky old Fartmeister’s incantation.

Gary the Green Jackalope hauled himself onto the top of the mountain. The Spork Armadillo was riding on his back. Gary stood next to the slumbering giant glob and the armadillo dismounted.

"Ugh, I am out of breath!" panted the jackalope.

"Good, because your breath stinks" said the tiny golem made of Spork, which is a popular tinned meat-flavored product.

"I can’t believe we finally made it to the Fartmeister’s headquarters. What are we going to do now?"

"I’m not sure," replied the Spork Armadillo. "Let’s wake up this big paramecium and see if he knows anything.” The duo shouted at Zooesium to wake up but the massive flat blob didn’t react at all.

The jackalope went around to what he guessed was the rear of the paramecium- where its food vacuole was located- and jabbed it lightly with his antlers.

The result was encouraging. Zooesium stopped snoring for a moment and a shiver ran through his narrow body. So Gary jabbed him with his antlers again, and then again, and then again, harder each time until sparks shot out of the great paramecium’s bottom and it awakened.

"CARAMELIZED BARREL BUNGHOLES!" the impetuous paramecium shouted.

"What?" asked the Spork Armadillo.

"Nothing, I was just dreaming about the bungholes of barrels being caramelized,” yawned Zooesium. “Say, where are my friends and who are you two?"

"I’m the Spork Armadillo and this is Gary. We’re looking for our friends Soda and Chunks. We felt guilty for not accompanying them on their mission to face the Fartmeister and we’ve been following their trail."

"I believe your missing friends are the same friends I’m missing," said Zooesium.

"They must have already gone into the Fartmeister’s fartcano," said Gary gravely.

“Well, it’s simple, let’s go rescue them. Hop on,” said Zooesium. He turned sideways and the jackalope and armadillo leaped upon him. They squeezed through the fartcano entrance, sailed through the lobby, and burst into the Fartmeister’s spacious home theater. Gary strained and screamed as he shot a single lazer which zapped the cat o’ninetails out of Kommandant Trenchstench’s raised hand.

“Gary! Sporky! And Zooesium, you’re awake!” cried Soda.

“You bet, babycakes,” replied the Impetuous Paramecium.

“Don’t call me ‘Sporky’!” yelled the Spork Armadillo.

The Fartmeister was taken unawares, for he knew the only thing that could break his Paramecium Slumber Spell was the prick of a green jackalope’s antlers and he didn’t think they actually existed. Thinking quickly he farted five dry farts.

Fleshy, sticky, pulsating brown veiny vines shot out of the ceiling and wrapped around the paramecium. It stopped short, hurling the Spork Armadillo and Gary to the floor of the theater. The vines were super tight and so the paramecium could advance no further toward the king. The Fartmeister was delighted.

"Welcome, my dear paramecium, to my royal screening room. Since you are here, you shall witness some very cool thaumaturgy." The Fartmeister let out two tiny, squeaky farts and the Spork Armadillo turned into a pink, greasy toilet plunger and Gary turned into a green furry roll of toilet paper. Soda, Mono, and the Ratsack Golem all groaned.

The Fartmeister farted again- he was planning on turning Zooesium into a bidet- but nothing happened. He farted again, this time belching at the same time, and then did a kind of curtsy. Again nothing happened.

"Pardon me for contradicting your stenchiness," returned Zooesium in a quiet voice, "That slumber incantation caught me off guard but now I don’t believe you’ll perform any thaumaturgy on me."

"Eh? Why not?" asked the King of the Fart Ghouls, farting in surprise.

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"There’s a very good answer to that question," said Zooesium. He started vibrating and emitting a low level hum. A bunch of thick green goo streamed out of one of his orifices and onto the floor. The stream got thicker and thicker and finally six brown spheres popped out of Zooesium’s slimy hole.

The spheres were big brown cockadoodoo terds, and as they rolled out upon the floor Zooesium’s orifice snapped shut with a satisfied smack. All the fart ghoul ninjas in the theater totally freaked out when they saw the terds. The green creatures raised a chorus of frantic screams ran towards the door, clambering over Trenchstench and Kankersaur. They all rushed out of the theater, slamming the door behind them.

The Fartmeister, dancing with terror and uttering loud cries, now leaped behind his recliner to escape the terds, which had rolled steadily toward him. These terds, sent by the wise and crafty Veiny Mammoth, were in some way enchanted, for they all rolled directly after the Fartmeister and when they reached the recliner where he had taken refuge they began rolling on top of it.

This was too much for the King of the Fart Ghouls to bear. His horror of terds was real and absolute and he made an impressive leap from the recliner to the center of the room and then ran to a far corner.

The terds followed, rolling slowly but steadily in his direction. The Fartmeister threw a petrified poostick at them, and then he drew off his heavy boots and hurled these at the advancing terds. But the terds dodged every missile and continued to draw nearer. The king stood trembling, his eyes staring in terror, until they were but half a yard distant; then with an agile leap he jumped clear over them and made a rush for the door to the theater, which Kommandant Trenchstench was frantically trying to pull open.

Zooesium hummed again and the veiny vines disappeared from himself, Soda, Mono, and the Ratsack Golem. Then he hovered in front of the Fartmeister, blocking his path to the door.

The Fartmeister did not hesitate an instant. Impelled by fear, he leaped onto the paramecium and then scrambled to its narrow top edge, where he succeeded in clamoring over and leaping to the door where he pushed Trenchstench aside and tried opening the door himself.

One of the terds rolled towards Kommandant Trenchstench and he screamed. It touched him and he exploded into a cloud of gore.

The Fartmeister still couldn’t get the theater door open. Soda ran over past Cydroidobot’s son, who was still pinned under the weighty fart. She picked up his enchanted machine gun and fired it at the wall right above the Fartmeister’s head.

"Freeze, Fartmeister!" she cried.

The King of the Fart Ghouls raised his hands, turned and backed up against the door. The sentient terds all arranged themselves at his feet.

Zooesium told the quivering Fartmeister about the decree of Veiny Mammoth: That the king should be robbed of all his knowledge of thaumaturgy, driven from his fartcano headquarters, and made a powerless wanderer on the face of Sifillis. After administering a thaumaturgic lobotomy the paramecium vibrated and hummed again and the Fartmeister vanished, leaving behind only his clothes.

Zooesium the Impetuous Paramecium had Soda the Cursed to pick up some handfuls of the green ooze he had expunged onto the spacious screening room’s floor and rub it on the toilet, plunger, and roll of buttwiping paper. With the sound of reverse farts Chunks, the Spork Armadillo and Gary re-appeared.

"Piddily-Cum-a-Zoo, am I glad to see you!" said Chunks while grabbing Soda and hugging her. Then she stepped back, surprised to notice Soda had barf all over her front side and it had rubbed all over Chunks’s jumpsuit. She shrugged.

"Um, little help?" said Cydroidobot’s son. He was still pinned under a giant eye-watering fart. Zooesium spurted a loogie on the heavy gas and it evaporated instantly. The smallish robot got up, brushed himself off, and rolled over to the others on his roller skate extensions. Soda hugged him and handed him back the enchanted machine gun.

Zooesium addressed Kankersaur the Royal Flackfizer, who was cowering behind the Fartmeister’s recliner. He was deeply saddened because he knew he would never get to smell his master’s farts ever again.

"Kankersaur, do you suppose you could rule the fart ghouls better than the Fartmeister has done?" the Impetuous Paramecium asked.

"Me?" stammered the raptor, greatly surprised by the question. "Well, I couldn’t be a worse king, I’m sure of that."

"Would the ghouls obey you?" inquired the paramecium.

"Of course," said Kankersaur. "They like me better than ever they did the Fartmeister."

"Then hereafter you shall be the King of the Fart Ghouls, and the Veiny Mammoth expects you to rule your kingdom wisely and well," said Zooesium. "I wish you joy and peace."

King Kankersaur quickly had the Quantum Perineum called up from the dungeon. Soon, accompanied by two particularly ugly ghouls, the dignified perineum maneuvered into the room.

The Quantum Perineum was a large rectangular mirror. Growing out of every side of her frame were dozens and dozens of pink, fleshy toes.

"Thank you for rescuing me. The evil Fartmeister had kidnapped me and was forcing me to teleport fart ghouls all over Bonertania to steal huge caches of farts and sharts. Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

"Actually," said Soda, "there’s two things."

"Anything."

"Well first, I need one of your toenails."

"The whole nail?"

"I guess."

"You want me to tear out one of my entire toenails."

"If it’s not too much trouble."

The perineum sighed. "Okay. What is the second thing?"

"Did you say you can teleport people around Bonertania?" Soda asked

"Yes. It’s a no brainer!"

image [https://i.ibb.co/N7Y080H/131small.jpg]