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"But you are wrong," said Chunks. "The tremorroid is wrong! You are all wrong! Soda hasn’t broken any law!"
"Then she will soon be free again," replied Agent Orange. "Anyone accused of crime is given a fair trial by our ruler and has every chance to prove their innocence. But just now the tremorroid's orders must be obeyed."
With this he took from his pocket a pair of cinereous handcuffs, and these he snapped over Soda's wrists.
The girl was so bewildered by this calamity that she made no resistance at all. She knew very well she was guilty, but it surprised her that the tremorroid also knew it. She wondered how she had found out so soon that she had picked the stench blossom. She handed her dark blue backpack to Chunks and said:
"Keep that with you, until I get out of prison. If I never get out, take it to the Chimpanzee Alchemist."
Rumplemuss had been gazing earnestly in the girl's face, uncertain whether to defend her or not; but something he read in Soda's expression made him draw back and refuse to interfere to save her. The wanderer was greatly surprised and grieved, but he knew that the tremorroid never made mistakes and so Soda must really have broken a law of Bonertania.
Agent Orange now led them all through the hole in the gate which led into a little chamber built into the wall. Here was a smallish white furry bald felt-skinned man. Around his neck he wore a silver chain to which a number of great black and white keys were attached. He wore a black vest, circular black glasses with no lenses and his nose seemed to be made of plastic. This was Fissure the Guardian of the Gates and at the moment they entered his room he was playing a tune upon his giant synthesizer.
"Listen!" he said, holding up his hand for silence. "I've just composed a tune called 'Flesh Fusion', and I've composed it in honor of the chunks golem, who has just arrived."
"How did you know I had arrived?" asked Chunks, much interested.
"It's my business to know who's coming, for I'm the Guardian of the Gate. Now keep quiet while I play you 'Flesh Fusion.'"
It wasn't a very bad tune, nor a very good one, but all listened respectfully while he shut his eyes and swayed his head from side to side and pounded at the keys of his synthesizer. When it was all over Agent Orange said:
"Fissure, I have here a prisoner."
"Good gracious! A prisoner?" cried the little furry white man, jumping up from his chair. "Which one? The Dirty Wanderer?"
"No; this little lady."
"Ah; I hope her fault is as small as herself," said Fissure. "But what can she have done, and what made her do it?"
"Can't say," replied the orange soldier. "All I know is that she has broken a law."
"But no one ever does that!"
"Then she must be innocent, and soon will be released. I hope you are right, Fissure. Just now I am ordered to take her to prison. Get me the prisoner's sheet from the trunk."
The guardian unlocked a nearby iguana skin trunk and took from it a dingy white sheet. The soldier threw it over Soda. It covered her from head to foot, but had two holes just in front of his eyes, so she could see where to go. There was a crude mustard-colored "P" smeared on the sheet.
As Fissure unlocked the door leading from his alcove into the streets of Schmegma City, Rumplemuss said to Chunks:
"I think I shall take you directly to the vice-tremorroid, as the Ratsack Golem advised, and Spork and Gary may come with us. Soda must go to prison with Agent Orange, but she will be well treated and you need not worry about her."
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"What will they do with her?" asked Chunks.
"That I cannot tell. Since I came to Bonertania no one has ever been arrested or imprisoned- until Soda."
"Seems to me that ruler of yours is making a big fuss over nothing," remarked Chunks, tossing her braids out of her eyes with a jerk of her stitched-and-stapled head. "I don't know what Soda has done, but it couldn't be anything very bad, for you and I were with her all the time." Rumplemuss made no reply to this speech.
They soon separated from the Schlingian girl, who was led by Agent Orange down a side street toward the prison. At first she had felt sorrow and remorse, but the more she thought about the unjust treatment she had received- unjust merely because she considered it so- the more he resented her arrest, blaming the fairy tremorroid for making foolish laws and then punishing folks who broke them. Only a stench blossom! A tiny smelly plant growing neglected and trampled under foot. What harm could there be in picking it? Soda began to think the tremorroid must be a very bad and oppressive ruler for such a lovely fairyland as Bonertania. Rumple said the people loved her; but how could they?
Soda was so busy thinking these things- which many guilty prisoners have thought before her- that she scarcely noticed all the splendor of the city streets through which they passed. Several of the people were either on their way to or from a movie set, humanoids, robots and yokai dressed as knights and astronauts. A hairless, veiny camel was led down the sidewalk by a surly squid dwarf. Whenever they met any people, the girl turned her head away in shame, although none knew who was beneath the dingy sheet.
By and by they reached a dark grey chalet built just beside the great city wall, but in a quiet, retired place. Agent Orange led Soda up the path to the front door, on which he knocked.
A woman opened the door and, seeing Soda in her dingy "P"-marked sheet, exclaimed:
"Goodness me! A prisoner at last. But what a small one, Orange."
"The size doesn't matter, Effluvia, my dear. The fact remains that she is a prisoner," said the Orange Soldier. "And, this being the prison, and you the jailer, it is my duty to place the prisoner in your charge."
"True. Come in, then, and I'll give you a receipt for her."
They entered the chalet and passed through a hall to a large circular room, where the woman pulled the dingy sheet off from Soda and looked at her with kindly interest. Soda gazed around in amazement. Everywhere were black iguana milk crates filled with rare and curious things. In some places the sideways milk crates were stacked to the ceiling, filled with videotapes and books. Elsewhere Soda saw a bookshelf containing action figures and all sorts of board games.
"May I stay here a little while before I go to prison?" asked Soda, pleadingly.
"Why, this is your prison," replied Effluvia, whose breath smelled like farts, "and in me behold your jailer. Take off those handcuffs, Orange, for it is impossible for anyone to escape from this chalet."
"I know that, Eff," replied Agent Orange and at once unlocked the cinereous handcuffs and released the prisoner.
The woman touched a button on the wall and lighted an enormous lava lamp, for it was growing dark outside. Then she seated herself at a desk and asked:
"What name?"
"Soda the Cursed," answered Agent Orange.
"Cursed? Ah, that accounts for it," said she. "What crime?"
"Breaking a law of Bonertania."
"All right. There's your receipt, soldier; and now I'm responsible for the prisoner. I'm glad of it, for this is the first time I've ever had anything to do, in my official capacity," remarked the jailer, in a pleased tone.
"It's the same with me, Eff," laughed the soldier. "But my task is finished and I must go and report to the tremorroid that I've done my duty like a faithful police force, a loyal army and an honest bodyguard- as I hope I am."
Saying this, he nodded farewell to Effluvia and Soda and went away.
"Now, then," said the woman briskly, "I must get you some supper, for you are doubtless hungry. What would you prefer: mini alien feces quiches or jackpeach sorbet in squirrel drippings?"
Soda thought about it. Then she said: "I'll take the feces quiches, if it’s no bother."
"Very well; amuse yourself while I'm gone; I won't be long," and then she went out by a door and left the prisoner alone.
Soda was much astonished, for not only was this unlike any prison she had ever seen in a movie, but she was being treated more as a guest than a criminal. There were many windows and they had no locks. But she had no intention of trying to escape. If his jailer was willing to trust her in this way she would not betray that trust, and moreover a hot supper was being prepared for her and her prison was very pleasant and comfortable. So she pulled a book about film editing off the shelf and sat down in an overstuffed recliner to read it.
This amused her until Effluvia came in with a large tray and spread a light blue cloth on one of the tables. Then she arranged the meal, which proved the most delicious one Soda had ever eaten in her life.
Effluvia sat near her while she ate, working on a flying saucer model kit. When Soda had finished she cleared the table and Effluvia told her to pick a movie for them to watch. Soda picked a gory R-rated movie about an alchemist who brings a mummy automobile back from the dead and it turns into a vampire, and a cyborg woodchuck police officer has to hunt it down and kill it. At the end the cyborg rips out a jackalope’s eye and shoots a huge lazer out of it, making the nefarious car explode. They sat on the couch together eating gummy scaterpillars and watched the movie, and then it was time for bed.
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