image [https://i.ibb.co/zRXK4hv/117.jpg]
The day after the day after the trial of the century our friends left Schmegma City. The ladies had changed into jumpsuits: Chunks’ was an eye-popping patchwork design which matched her stitched-and-stapled skin magnificently, crafted by Jodo the Royal Flackfizer. Soda had changed into a jumpsuit just like the one Vice-Tremorroid Montana Shingles was wearing- black with a navy blue stripe down the left front side. She still wore her black zipfront hoodie open over the jumpsuit, and carried her dark blue backpack. Montana also wore a backpack- hers was dark pink- full of random unspecified items that could potentially come in handy and plenty of tampons, plus she wore a black squishball cap with a humorous hieroglyphic on it. She had on her best utility belt, she had lent her second best to Soda and her third best to Chunks. The Ratsack Golem and Elvira Daisy Shingles remained naked.
They had transportation: Montana rode a dirt bike with Vira in the handlebar basket (Vira wore a cute little aviator’s cap with goggles), Soda and Chunks peddled a bicycle built for two, and the Ratsack Golem expertly rolled along on a unicycle. The had decided to travel west on the smooth bike paths in Mukus Quadrant.
A day’s worth of riding through the library district brought the little band of adventurers to a hand-painted sign that said “Goiterhead Farm”. Just before they entered upon this field they saw a tiny graveyard and all got off their bikes.
Soda and Chunks walked over to the little graves and read the words engraved upon the tombstones. The first one said:
Here Lies the Head of
NATE GOITERHEAD
Which Spoiled Druly 9th, 3082
They then went to the next stone, which read:
Here Lies the Head of
NATE GOITERHEAD
Which Spoiled Cocteauber 2nd, 3083
On the third stone were carved these words:
Here Lies the Head of
NATE GOITERHEAD
Which Spoiled Flanuary 24th, 3083
And so on.
Beyond the cemetery veiny vines grew in profusion in a field of fertilizer, baring swollen goiters of extraordinary size as well as those which were smaller. Some of the pulsating goiters now ripening on the pinkish vines were almost as large as Nate's three room house, which was also covered in fleshy, occasionally writhing goiter vines. The house was rough and plain but soundly constructed. Walking through the front door brought you into Nate’s living room/conversation pit, which was very rustic except for the 100 inch TV in the middle of the room. Through the next door was a larger room, Nate’s personal library of videotapes and books. Travelers coming to Schmegma City through Mukus Quadrant often stopped at Nate’s place to trade physical media. A door hidden behind a bookcase led to the third area: Nate’s rumpus room.
Nate had no reason for sleep but his living room had ample couches to crash on. One downside to the place was there was no bathroom, but Nate did keep butt-wiping paper on hand if you wanted to go in the goiter patch, which the veiny vines and growing goiters enjoyed and quivered with delight during.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Although a grown man, Nate had been born only six years earlier in a garbage dump in Plotz Quadrant. His body was constructed from various pieces of trash and he had been the unwitting test subject of the notorious, nefarious weathered hoo-hoo Gonorrena when she wanted to try out the Make Living Concoction she had bartered from the Chimpanzee Alchemist. Nate had many adventures before his constant need for fresh goiter heads led him to settle down and start the farm.
Soda thought the place was wonderful. Nate’s library of videotapes was even bigger than the collection in Montana and Titiana’s apartment and she wished she could stay watching feature film motion pictures for weeks. He had dozens and dozens of movies she had only read about and had always wanted to see.
The travelers were cordially welcomed to this quaint domicile and invited to pass the night there, which they had planned to do anyway. Chunks was greatly interested in Nate and examined him admiringly.
"You are quite an attractive garbage-and-goiter golem," she said, running her hand over the dark purple t-shirt that covered his water cooler tank torso. "But not as cute as the sack of rats over there."
Nate turned to examine the Ratsack Golem critically.
"There is no accounting for tastes," he remarked with a sigh.
"I adore rats," said Chunks. "He’s stuffed with them, you know."
“I know,” said Nate, “I can smell their poop.”
“And I can smell your head, which smells like rotting meat, old chum,” retorted the Ratsack Golem.
Nate Goiterhead didn’t eat and had no food in his house other than some old goiter pies, so Montana and Soda went outside and collected piles of sparkly purple alien feces for themselves and Vira to have for dinner. After eating they watched a feature film motion picture about an emancipated tumor that looked like a pink lumpy eggplant. It gave birth to a bowl of chowder and complications ensued. Then Soda and Montana turned in for the night. Vira curled up against Montana’s legs. Soda had no trouble sleeping once she got used to the fertilizer smell and the sound of the veiny vines slowly but constantly writhing against the house’s walls and roof.
The ratsack, chunks, and goiter golems were tireless and had no need to sleep, so they sat up and played canasta together all night; but they stayed outside the house, under the bright stars, and talked in low tones so as not to disturb the sleepers. During the conversation the Ratsack Golem explained their quest for a dark diarrhea well, and asked Nate's advice where to find it.
Nate considered the matter gravely.
"That is going to be a difficult task," said he, "and if I were you I'd take any ordinary diarrhea well and enclose it, so as to make it dark."
"I fear that wouldn't do," replied the Ratsack Golem. "The well must be naturally dark, and the diarrhea must never have seen the light of day, for otherwise the thaumaturgic concoction might not work at all."
"How much of the stuff do you need?" asked Nate.
"A shicker."
"How much is a shicker?"
"Why- a shicker is a shicker, of course," answered the Ratsack Golem, who did not wish to display his ignorance.
“The quadrant with the most underground diarrhea streams is Quirkquad. I’d suggest heading to the rocky lands where the mountains and caverns are. But- Ugga magguga!- Quirkquad is full of dangers. I've never been there myself, but- "
"I have," said the Ratsack Golem with a shudder. "I've faced the giant feral ram fetuses that butt you like a horned scroat; and I've faced the musky perdiddles, which fly up and break wind into your face and then bend down their tentacles to pound and whip you. There are meatidongs and schlub-snigguraths and all sorts of dangerous wild yokai."
"It's a wild, wild country," remarked Nate, soberly, "and if you go there you’re sure to have a whole heap of troubles. But I guess you’ll have to go, if you want that shicker of diarrhea from a dark well." Chunks added:
“Piddily-Cum-a-ziarrhea, Is any word funnier than diarrhea?”
image [https://i.ibb.co/MP8f16F/117small.jpg]