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Had Soda the Cursed not been preoccupied with finding the ingredients for the alchemistical concoction to save her uncle from being a pile of vomit she would’ve been completely gobsmacked to be in the same room with her idol, the movie star and Vice-Tremorroid of Bonertania Montana Shingles. When they were introduced Soda felt a flutter in her stomach and had the strong urge to grab the famous young woman in a great big hug, but she didn’t and played it cool.
Our friends had moved to the living room of the apartment shared by the tremorroid and vice-tremorroid. There was ample comfortable seating in the room, with all of the seats facing a 100 inch TV upon which a feature film motion picture about a chubby submarine was currently playing while muted. Tremorroid Titiana, Montana, Elvira Daisy Shingles, and the Ratsack Golem sat on a couch; Soda, Chunks, the Spork Armadillo, and Gary on another. Rumplemuss sat in a vibrating massage chair. He had taken off his socks and shoes and the cottage cheesey odor of his feet filled the room.
Titiana now asked Soda to tell her origin story, which Soda did, beginning with growing up at the Schmahoning Drive-In Theater and ending with her arrival at Schmegma City and her arrest. The tremorroid listened attentively and was thoughtful for some moments after the tween had finished speaking. Then she said:
"The Chimpanzee Alchemist was wrong to make the Spork Armadillo and the chunks golem, for it is against the law to practice thaumaturgy without a license and nearly impossible to get a license to practice thaumaturgy. And if he had not unlawfully kept the Vomitfucation Concoction standing on his shelf, the accident to the Puffy Beaver and Karl Olheiser would not have occurred.” Titiana was interrupted by a muffled fart.
“Sorry,” said the Ratsack Golem, “One of my rats farted.” Titiana smiled and continued:
“I can understand, however, that Soda, who loves her uncle, will be unhappy unless she can save him. So I propose we allow the alchemist to make the concoction which will save them, and that we assist Soda to find the things she is seeking.”
“Hear hear!” said Rumplemuss, who then took a puff of his roachberry pipe.
“Oh thank you so much!” gushed Soda, gratefully.
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“What ingredients must you find for the concoction?" asked Montana, addressing Soda.
"Th-the antlers from the top of a green jackalope's head I have," stuttered the girl shyly. "That is, I have Gary, and the antlers are on the top of his head. The stench blossom I- I-"
"You may keep it," said the tremorroid.
"Thank you so much!" cried Soda gratefully. She told them about the drop of oil from a live man’s body- which they all agreed referred to Cydroidobot- and the toenail of a Quantum Perineum. Then she continued: "The next thing I must find is a shicker of diarrhea from a well that’s never been exposed to sunlight.”
“I’ve never heard of such a well,” said the tremorroid.
“Perhaps there isn't such a thing,” said the Spork Armadillo.
"Oh, there must be!" returned Soda, positively; "or else the recipe of the alchemist wouldn't call for it."
"If such a thing is anywhere in the settled parts of Bonertania," said Montana, "we'd probably have heard of it long ago. It must be in one of the wild parts of the country.”
"This," said Tremorroid Titiana, "will be a hard task, but if you travel far enough you may discover it."
"I am willing to travel for years, if it will save Uncle Karl," declared Soda, earnestly.
"Piddily-Cum-a-Zay!” said Chunks, “We’d better leave right away!”
Montana turned to the Fairy Tremorroid and asked: "Is it cool with you if I go with Soda, to help her?"
"Would you like to?" returned the tremorroid.
"Yes. I know Bonertania pretty well, but Soda doesn't know it at all. I'm sorry for her uncle and the puffy beaver and I'd like to help save them."
"It’s fine with me," replied the tremorroid, "although I shall miss you."
"If Mono goes, then I must go to take care of her," said the Ratsack Golem, decidedly, hardly taking his eyes off Chunks. "A dark diarrhea well can only be discovered in some out-of-the-way place, and there may be dangers there.”
"I prefer to remain here," announced the Spork Armadillo. "If they're going into dangers it's best for me to keep away from them."
"Let her stay at the palace till Soda returns," suggested Montana. "We won't need to take Gary, either, he ought to be kept safe because of his antlers."
"Better take me along," said Gary. "My eyes can shoot lazers, you know, and I can growl- a little."
"I'm sure you'll be safer here," Titiana said good-naturedly, and Gary made no further objection to the plan. Rumplemuss also decided to stay behind, for his wound from the Orange Bunion’s quill had gotten infected and his leg was swollen and oozing gross greenish-yellow pus.
That afternoon our friends passed in Titiana and Montana’s apartment chatting and intermittently paying attention to the chubby submarine movie, which was four hours long. For dinner they had pizza topped with scroat cheese, hog logs, and crumbled alien feces. After the sun set they watched a body horror movie about people whose kidneys slowly morphed into piranhas. Then they all went to bed.
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