image [https://i.ibb.co/rHsV42M/125.jpg]

After several minutes had passed and no harm had befallen them, Soda Olheiser felt a little better. She could see nothing at all, nor could she hear anything except the terrified screams of Cydroidobot’s son and the rush of air past her ears as they plunged downward along the tunnel. Had some one been able to take a flash-light photograph at that time a most curious picture would have resulted. There was Cydroidobot's son, falling upside down, shrieking and clutching his machine gun to his chest in terror. Now followed Montana, who had calmly bent her body into a relaxing yoga position. Then, a little distance away, but unseen by the others in the inky darkness, fell Soda and Chunks, while behind them was the Ratsack Golem who was tumbling head over heels repeatedly.

When first they fell into the chute all were too dazed to think clearly, but the trip was a long one, and long before the adventurers got to the end of the chute they had begun to recover their wits.

"This is awful, Chunks!" cried Soda in a loud voice, and Chunks heard her and yelled out: "Are you safe, Soda?"

"Heck no!" cried the tween. "How could anyone be safe when they’re falling about sixty miles a minute?" Then, after a pause, she added: "Where does this chute lead to, anyway?"

"No one can tell where we are going until we get there!" yelled Mono.

Chunks laughed merrily, and so infectious was this joyous laugh that Soda echoed it and then yelled "Why are we laughing?"

“I don’t know!” Chunks hollered.

"I believe we’re making a journey through the center of Sifillis!" yelled Ratsack.

"How do you know we’re in the center of Sifillis?" yelled Soda, her voice trembling a little through nervousness.

"Why, we can’t be anywhere else!" shouted Ratsack. "I have often heard of this passage, which was once built by an old thaumaturge named Ebeneezer Poop who was a great traveler! He thought it would save him the bother of going around the planet’s surface, but he tumbled through the chute so fast that he shot out at the other end and hit a moon in the sky, which at once exploded!"

"The moon exploded?" yelled Soda wonderingly.

"Yes; cuz the thaumaturge hit it so hard!"

"And what became of the thaumaturge?" shouted Soda..

"No one knows that," yelled Mono. "But I don’t think it matters much!"

"It matters a lot, if we also hit a moon when we come out!" shouted Chunks, with a moan.

"Don’t worry!" Mono yelled. "I believe the thaumaturge was going the other way, and probably he went much faster than we are going!"

"This is fast enough to suit me!!" screamed Cydroidobot’s son.

An hour, under such trying circumstances, is a very long time, and for more than seventeen hours they continued their fearful journey. Then, just as they began to fear the chute would never end, Cydroidobot's son popped out into broad daylight and, after making a graceful circle in the air, fell with a splash into a large fountain of lager.

"Whoa, gnarly!" exclaimed a humanoid wearing a flip-flops, shorts, a polo shirt and a backwards squishball cap. He had been poking empty alien feces ale cans with a pointy stick and putting them into a garbage bag. The cans covered every inch of the ground, and the humanoid stood about ankle-deep in them. “What the yell is happening?”

For answer, Montana sailed up from the chute, took a ride through the air as high as the treetops, and then landed squarely on top of the humanoid’s head, narrowly missing getting impaled on his sharp stick.

Soda and Chunks popped out the tunnel entrance and they landed in a roll. Soda was jarred a trifle but not hurt and when she looked around her she saw Mono and the humanoid wrestling around in the empty cans. Mono pushed the humanoid away and stood up, brushing the dirt from her jumpsuit. Cydroidobot’s son was still lying in the lager fountain.

By this time, the Ratsack Golem arrived and landed with a thump on the can-covered ground. His rats squeaked angrily. He got to his feet and curiously examined the strange country in which they found themselves and which they knew to be exactly on the opposite side of the world from the moist jungle where they had entered the Poop Chute.

As of yet the only inhabitant to greet them was the humanoid just mentioned, who was still lying on the ground in a daze after Mono had landed on him. The Ratsack Golem, who was always polite, helped the man get up. When the humanoid, whose name was Jox, had recovered and put his squishball cap back on he said:

"Where did you dudes come from and how did you get here?"

Soda answered him, for Mono was surly and silent.

"We were in a smelly jungle and then we all fell into the Poop Chute."

"Oh, snap! This chute is private property! No one is allowed to pass through it!" exclaimed Jox.

"We didn’t do it on purpose," explained Soda, and Chunks added:

"I am quite sure that the stupidy stinky dork-butt Fartmeister pushed us down that chute."

"Ha! The Fartmeister! Did you say the Fartmeister?" cried Jox, becoming much excited.

"That is what she said," replied the Ratsack Golem, "and I believe she is right. We were on our way to King Fartmeister’s fartcano headquarters when suddenly we fell into the chute."

"Then you are enemies of the King of the Fart Ghouls?" inquired the beefy humanoid.

"Not exactly enemies," said Soda, a little puzzled by the question, "cuz we don’t know him at all."

Jox looked thoughtfully from one to another of them for a while. "Let’s head up to the house and see the Veiny Mammoth. Follow me.” He slung his garbage bag full of cans over his shoulder and started to walk away.

But just then a mysterious voice exclaimed: "Here’s another of them, Jox, lying in the water of the fountain."

"Gracious!" cried Soda; "it must be Cydroidobot's son!" She started for the fountain to help the little ‘bot. But before they could reach it, invisible hands raised the smallish plastic robot from the marble basin and lifted him into the air. He had water dripping from every joint of his plastic body so the invisible hands shook him until he seemed empty. Then he was placed on the ground and his enchanted machine gun floated into his hands.

"Th-thanks!" he said.

“You’re welcome,” answered two or three voices. The new arrivals in this strange land found it very uncomfortable to realize that there were many creatures around them who were invisible, yet could be heard plainly.

"Come on!" commanded Jox, and turning his back upon them he walked up the path toward the residence of the Veiny Mammoth, which was an enormous brick house with the phrase "Podex Perfectus Es" engraved over the front door.

After he had seated all the strangers on couches in a huge living room, Jox became invisible and disappeared.

The Veiny Mammoth’s living room was an immense place, but there seemed to be no one in it beside themselves. Every now and then they would hear a low cough near them, or the sound of footsteps. Then suddenly there was an airhorn and at the sound all was changed.

Gazing around the room in bewilderment they saw that it was filled with dozens of identical Jox. They all held red plastic cups or cans of alien feces ale and sipped from them often. All of them wore polo shirts emblazoned with paramecium icons, and paramecium branded squishball caps. A great many of them smoked roachberry pipes, wore glowing rubber necklaces and bracelets, and munched on pizza or fried nard wings.

"Gee whiz, what a lot of Jox!" whispered Chunks to Soda, who sat beside her.

"It is certainly a strange sight," was Soda’s reply.

The clear tone of the airhorn again blasted out and through a side door there entered a wool-free light pink mammoth covered with pulsating red and blue veins and wearing sunglasses and a backwards squishball cap, with the same paramecium icon that decorated the Joxes. With his tumescent trunk he picked up an empty ale keg and crushed it. The Jox all raised their drinks and cheered. Some of the Jox pumped their fists in the air and yelled "Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!"

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“LET’S PARTY!” yelled the Veiny Mammoth. All the Jox cheered even louder. “...AFTER DEALING WITH THESE INTRUDERS.” The crowd hushed up almost instantly.

"What are the charges, Jox?" he asked in quiet, even tones.

"They came through the Poop Chute, V.M.," was the reply.

"You see, it was this way," said Soda, who began relating her story of her visit to the home of the Chimpanzee Alchemist.

The Veiny Mammoth interrupted. "Is that a robot?"

Cydroidobot's son looked left, and then right and then pointed at himself. "I am a robot, sir. I am the group’s fearless bodyguard and future conqueror of the Fartcano Dominion."

"I love robots!" said he. "Come sit next to me!”

Cydroidobot's son rose, rolled over, and sat on a folding chair beside the Veiny Mammoth.

Montana Shingles the Vice-Tremorroid of Bonertania was a little miffed at this mark of favor shown to the young robot, but the Ratsack Golem seemed much pleased that his old friend’s son’s importance had been recognized by the ruler of this strange land. The Veiny Mammoth now listened to Soda, who related the story of her visit to the home of the Chimpanzee Alchemist, and how Chunks was brought to life. Then she spoke of Uncle Karl and the Puffy Beaver being turned into steaming piles of vomit and how she and her friends had set out to find the five different ingredients which the alchemist needed to make a concoction that would restore the puke piles to life, one requirement being the toenail of a Quantum Perineum.

"And you were gonna rescue the perineum from the Fartmeister’s dungeon?" asked the Veiny Mammoth.

"Yes. That seemed the only thing for us to do," was Soda reply. "But he was too clever for us. When we got close to his fartcano he made our path lead to the opening of the Poop Chute, and made the opening invisible, so that we all fell into it before we knew it was there. It was an easy way to get rid of us and now we are far away in a strange land." She realized suddenly that she had never been this far away from Uncle Karl in her life.

The Veiny Mammoth was silent a moment and seemed to be thinking. He stroked his veiny chin with his veiny trunk and then he said:

“The Original Paramecium says anyone who comes out of the forbidden Poop Chute must be tortured for twenty-seven days and twenty-eight nights and then thrown back in. But you dudes didn’t know, being forced into the chute by the Fartmeister. Therefore it is the Fart King’s fault, and he alone will taste my wrath."

"That suits me," said Cydroidobot's son. "But the Fartmeister is on the other side of the world where he is way out of your reach."

The Veiny Mammoth drew himself up proudly.

"Do you think anything in the world or upon it can be out of the reach of the awesome and legendary Veiny Mammoth?" he asked. The Jox all cheered again.

Using his trunk, the glowing mammuthus primigeni opened a cooler and offered Cydroidobot’s son a can of alien feces ale. Cydroidobot’s son shook his head no and the giant mammoth shrugged and cracked one open for himself and said:

“We will conclude this meeting tomorrow. Now its movie time.”

The mammoth put a juvenile teen sex comedy on his 100 inch TV and our friends settled in to watch. Those who ate munched on pizza and nard wings. The movie starred the famous Plotzian actor Grant Colon, who was a purple mudfish-and-tiger-shaped yokai. As she had already seen the movie, Soda chatted quietly with the mammoth.

"Tell me, please, Mr. Veiny," Soda asked, "why do all the Jox have a paramecium icon on their shirts and hats? Shouldn’t it be a mammoth?”

And the Veiny Mammoth said:

"The paramecium are the oldest and wisest of living things on the planet. By good fortune the Original Paramecium, who still lives, is our neighbor and gives us advice whenever we are in need of it. He is old as Sifillis and remembers everything that has happened since the planet was created."

Soda sipped a tasty beverage, eager to hear more. The mammoth continued:

"The Original Paramecium had many, many offspring. Some wandered into other lands, where humanoids and yokai and robots, not understanding them, made war upon them; but many still reside in this neighborhood. None, however, is as wise as the Original Paramecium. As he was the first resident here, we wear a paramecium icon on our clothes to show him respect."

After the raunchy comedy they watched a slasher movie about a lemur mascot stalking a graduate school for cheerleaders until our Mono and Soda fell asleep on the couch.

The next morning Soda and Mono had breakfast (cold pizza crusts and whatever meat they could find on the nard wing bones) and then went back to the Veiny Mammoth’s living room, which was still full of Jox. The veiny mammoth in sunglasses and a backwards squishball cap stood in front of the giant TV and said:

"The very uncool meister of farts has been warned a ton that if ever he used this chute in any way he would be severely punished. But dork-butt just doesn’t listen. Always with the negative ways." He paused a moment to crack open an ale with his veiny trunk and then continued:

"These Bonertanians must return through the chute to their own side of Sifillis; but I will make their trip more mellow than it was before. Also I shall send with them an instrument of vengeance, who will drive the Fartmeister from his fartcano, take away his thaumaturgic powers and make him a homeless wanderer. I have selected for my instrument of vengeance Zooesium the Impetuous Paramecium.”

"Zooesium has disrespected the Original Paramecium, not taking his movie recommendations and once saying that the ancient one should wear a giant diaper. Therefore Zooesium must redeem himself as my instrument of vengeance and he shall go through the Poop Chute with these guys and inflict upon the Fartmeister the punishment I have decreed, the end!"

All had listened quietly to this speech, then the Jox all held up their red plastic cups and ale cans and whooped their approval.

The Veiny Mammoth turned the Jox standing next to him.

"Jox, I command you," said he, "to take them to the Poop Chute hole and see that they all enter it safely." This was the Jox named Jox who had first discovered our friends and brought them to the Veiny Mammoth.

"Piddily-Cum-A-Zux, that tunnel really sucks!" said Chunks as they walked towards the Poop Chute hole.

"I guess I don’t mind going back that much, cuz the elephant promised to make it easy for us," said Soda.

“He’s not an elephant, he’s a woolly mammoth without any wool,” said Mono.

On their way they passed a giant box leaning against a stick with a rope tied to it. A can of beer sat under the box.

“Stay away from that,” said their guide. “It’s a Jox trap.”

In a few minutes they reached the hole. It was closed at the moment. It had a brown rim and around it was gold railing to which was attached a little bronze plate engraved the words:

"Burrowed and built

by Ebeneezer Poop,

Stardate 2089"

"He was some digger, I must say," remarked the Ratsack Golem, when he had read the inscription.

"Yeah," said Mono, "but if he had known about that moon I guess he’d have spent his time watching movies instead."

"Piddily-Cum-a-Zor, what are we waiting for?" inquired Chunks.

"Zooesium the Paramecium," replied Jox. "But I think I hear him coming."

Suddenly between two big roachberry bushes appeared a huge paramecium, who hovered towards the party and said: "S’up."

Had Zooesium been at all bashful I am sure he would have felt uncomfortable at the astonished stare of every eye in the group- except Jox, of course, who was not astonished because he had seen Zooesium so often.

Soda had thought a "young" paramecium must be a small paramecium, yet here was one so enormous that the girl decided he must be full grown, if not overgrown. His huge, narrow body was a nearly transparent but with a light green tint. He bobbled and blobbled in the air with small, thin, tentacle-like cilia wiggling on the narrow side of his body. Instead of eyes he had a large nucleus and a small nucleus, both pale yellow. He looked like a translucent piece of funny gag throw-up turned on its side.

Jox said, "I hope, Zoo, you won’t mind our friends riding you up the Poop Chute."

"Not a bit," replied Zooesium. "I’m in disgrace just now, you know, and the only way to redeem my good name is to obey the orders of Veiny Mammoth. If he makes me a ‘mecium of burden, it is only a part of my punishment, and I must bear it like a paramecium. I don’t blame you beings at all, and I hope you’ll enjoy the ride. Hop on, please. All aboard for the other side of the world!"

Zooesium turned sideways and Soda, Chunks, Cydroidobot’s son, Montana, and the Ratsack Golem climbed aboard.

"All ready?" asked Zooesium, and when they said they were he floated to the mouth of the Poop Chute.

"Good-bye, and good luck to you, dudes!" called Jox; but no one thought to reply, because just then the hole unpuckered and the young paramecium hovered into the opening of the chute and the journey to the other side of Planet Sifillis had begun. As soon as they entered the darkness of the chute Zooesium began glowing pleasantly.

At first they went so fast that they could scarcely catch their breaths, but presently Zooesium slowed up and said with a sort of cackling laugh:

"This is quite a rush! I think I shall take it easy and fall slower, or I’m likely to get dizzy. Is it very far to the other side of the world?"

"About twenty hours," answered Mono.

"Haven’t you ever been through this chute before?" asked Soda.

"Never. Nor has anyone else in our neighborhood; at least, not since I was born."

"How long ago was that?" asked Soda.

"That I was born? Oh, not very long ago. I’m only a mere child. If I had not been sent on this journey, I would have celebrated my thirteen thousand and fifty-sixth birthday next Cloonesday. Mother was going to make me a birthday cake with thirteen thousand and fifty-six candles on it; but now, of course, there will be no celebration, for I fear I shall not get home in time for it."

"Thrirteen thousand and fifty-six years!" cried Soda. "Why, I had no idea anything could live that long!"

"The Original Paramecium, whom I would call a stupid old dork-butt if I had not reformed, is so old that I am a mere baby compared to him," said Zooesium. "He dates from the beginning of Sifillis and insists on telling us stories of things that happened a batrillion years ago, which are of no interest at all to youngsters like me. He lives altogether in the past, so I can’t see any good reason for his being alive today... Are you people able to see your way, or shall I get brighter?'

"Oh, we can see very nicely, thank you; only there’s nothing to see but ourselves," answered Soda. They were now sailing so gently that the trip was proving entirely comfortable, as the Veiny Mammoth had promised it would be; but this meant a longer journey and the only way they could make time pass was to engage in conversation. Zooesium mention he was nervous about taking vengeance on King Fartmeister because of his great army of fart ghouls.

"Oh, you needn’t mind about that," remarked Cydroidobot’s son. "I have an enchanted machine gun and will just blow them away with an endless stream of bullets."

"Very good," returned the Paramecium, cheerfully. "That will save me a lot of bother."

“Come on you guys,” said Montana. “Remember we only resort to mass slaughter as a last resort.

image [https://i.ibb.co/0stNrd5/125small.jpg]