Book 2: Dirt Diver’s Dance
To Be A Rock Ch: 37
Sarah opened her eyes, unsure exactly when she had fallen asleep sitting in a cozy bower among the fruit trees. Evening had come, lazily painting the sky in orange and purple hues with a wide, sloppy brush; she was generous with the colors though. The woman stretched and prepared to stand, when a voice halted her.
“You have lingered here too long, mortal.”
Sarah looked up and there, in the plum tree perched another tiny sprite, this one a fiery red and gold, with moth wings of gently flickering flame and smoke waving lazily behind her back. “Dinner is begun and you may miss out on the fried shrimp, if you tarry here.”
“Another sprite with delusions of grandeur.” She sighed, exhaustion thickening her voice. “Say your bit and be gone, pixie. I’m tired.”
“I’m Mariah, the immortal dryad of the Wildfire Plum grove… and you’re mostly Gary Ward. That makes you my uncle, or auntie… Or something complicated like that.” She sighed in the sound of a forest fire rushing through dry pine trees.
“Kree said you were all stubborn and half ignorant.” She sassed the much larger being in cutting tones, reminiscent of a roaring campfire.
“I came to bring you in for dinner, in hopes that you might listen to me as we head back. Now I think I will just watch you get flummoxed and distressed; That promises to be highly entertaining!”
Talk of fried shrimp got Sarah moving, at least… Though she was still obstinate and annoying in the face of her immortal wisdom and advice.
“...Really, you should go in with an open mind. Please don’t challenge him to some kind of alpha Gary, ‘who has the big dong’ contest. There’s been enough johnson jousting between you two already and you haven’t really even talked.” She insisted, as they walked among the orchards and vineyard rows back to the house.
“We live in a magical world of wonders, right? Come on, you’re talking to an immortal insect spirit of magical flaming plum trees. Broaden your horizons, open yourself to the possibility that just maybe, he is kinda… Special.”
“He’s unranked, bug girl. He’s the weakest entity in your whole group.” She grumbled at the fluttering ember shaped like a huge butterfly.
“Is he, though? Or is he paying the price of a mighty and terrible working? You see a fool, a jackanape, drifting along in the wake of the more potent beings around him…” She smirked at the woman, flying backwards for a few seconds for the purpose.
“The brave can look beyond the fool’s mask he wears, to glimpse the awful thing inside; while the wise heed the warning he constantly emits. It peals out with each beat of his heart, like the tolling of a great and terrible bell. Can you bear to see what hides in his shadow?” Mariah asked sweetly.
“Eldritch secrets and awesome truths extract a price, one he has paid so many times that he has become something eldritch himself.”
“Sweet, merciful stars above, I’m supposed to be the scary wizard and mysterious seer in this mad little farce!” Sarah took a slow, calming breath, when she realized she was pouting at the cocky little monster.
“Damn these kissable, plump lips! I can’t even take myself seriously!”
“Well, I’m rooting for you, Sarah. Now go inside and try to hold on to your sanity.” She fluttered away toward the stable, a flickering mote of ruddy firelight in the gathering gloom. As she flew away, her sweet, piercing voice raised in song. It was the odd melody the other strange bug had spoken a few mysterious couplets and rhymes in.
Your head is humming, and it won't go,
in case you don't know.
The piper's calling you to join him.
The flying spark vanished into the stable, leaving her at the door, alone as the sun went down. A faint and cheerful ruckus came from behind the door and through the windows, an inviting and familiar sensation that she hadn’t felt in a while.
“I really need to get my dungeon started back up…” She mumbled softly as the scents of hot seafood soup and the sounds of a busy, happy home engulfed her.
#
Thirp, Marduk and Joy were seated front and center among the divine audience for the show, snacking on sweet almond cookies and iced berry tisane, more gifts and offerings from that amusing dwarf lad.
“He’s doing marvelously well.” Thirp muttered excitedly to Joy, who nodded her ivory mask a barely perceptible few degrees in profound agreement. A slightly lifted pinkie finger signaled her intense enjoyment of the activities of the day.
“You’re just excited about the skimpy clothing and sexual tension.” Marduk sassed his mostly spidery comrade.
Thirp wore her six legged, two armed, half humanoid form for the occasion, since Joy loved snuggling up to her soft furred torso. That form also allowed her to cheerfully deploy a rude hand gesture at the little blonde god, making them both giggle with naughty glee, when Joy cast a glare of mingled laughter and mild outrage at the two divine idiots. They were distracting her from the show!
The whole group focused on the drama playing out on Marduk’s marvelous screen. A few heartfelt and tender minutes of Gary and Gandree gutting fish together later, Eponna sidled in beside her favorite godling and kissed the top of his golden curled head, sighing with just a little disappointment.
“Dana has slipped free, somehow. She no longer lingers by the standing stones, miserable and shamed.” The equine goddess whispered quietly, lest she interrupt the show.
A solid two dozen assorted fae, outsiders and divines were gathered in the common room, watching ‘Mortal World Theatre, with Marduk and his friends’ on the big screen and sharing their offerings around.
“Dagon, if you reheat that curried tuna in this house, I will be very upset with you!” Brigid scolded the ancient, fish-scaled mesopotamian divine. “Bless me if even my arts could banish that stench! Silly fool!”
The red bronze form of the divine Hearthmistress and lady of the Forge complained at his fleeing backside, while taking a seat near the discussion. “It’s like they are children! Now what’s this? Dana escaped?”
Eponna nodded sourly and flipped her long, radiant tresses of starlight and galaxies over her shoulder with an equine whinny of distaste. “Yes, the slippery wretch is once more back in her divine, boring realm of ass kissery and overly hygienic dullness. No doubt her flunkies are gushing over her and singing hosannas as we speak.”
“How disappointing. Do we have any idea how she escaped his spell?” Thirp asked sweetly. “I’ve no small skill with curses, but that thing was a terrifying edifice of Will, Vengeance, Debts and Anger.” The spider deity shuddered at the memory and wriggled a little closer to lady Joy. “I would hesitate even to look too deeply into that nightmarish spell working.”
Marduk smiled with pure delight and gave a little shudder of wicked glee. “He used his own mortal elements and her debt to his child as materials for that spell. I wouldn’t be too certain she is free of it yet.”
Lady Joy delicately twiddled the fingers of her right hand, suggesting she was enthusiastically in agreement with Marduk and was looking forward to what would undoubtedly transpire next. Divine ears might have even detected the faint essence of the ghost of a whispery laugh, high and sweet, at the utmost edge of even godlike hearing.
“Your pet seems to be in fine condition this evening, lord Marduk.” Hotoi called from the middle rows, as he passed snacks out to the nearby divines from his bag of blessings and terrors. “That hotpot looks marvelous!”
“He is doing well! I’m immersed in his senses as we speak and am tasting it right now.” The little blonde divine cooed happily. “Sorry, friends; only Contracted divinities and close friends can enjoy all the senses.”
Marduk leaned over and softly whispered in Eponna’s ear, too quietly for even the nosiest gods to overhear. “None of his curses are working tonight, my love. That tells me that Dana is in for a rude awakening, if and when he returns to these lands.”
“A wise man might not return.” She answered just as quietly. “Has this realm done much to endear itself to him and his kin? Especially the pantheon and the mortal powers… I have run across the grassy plains of many worlds and can tell you, he has options.”
“He is an intimate of Beast’s handmaidens, they touch so many worlds.” Marduk mused softly. “Your idea has merit! I will suggest it to Shai, when next she makes an offering at my shrine.”
The little blonde god began playing out the conversation in his mind, considering the approach that would get Shai on board, without setting Gary’s finely honed divine plot senses off.
The poor lad was so god-shy he could barely walk by a temple without getting the shakes.
‘The curses might have something to do with that, too…’ The light of man’s Knowledge thought silently.
“Ducky… What are they doing now?” Eponna asked not very quietly at all, bringing the little god’s attention back to what his friends were up to, off wherever they were. That issue was still a little hazy.
#
Gary was half reclined, rubbing his belly with a deeply satisfied smile on his face, as he regaled the whole common room with the broad strokes of his story.
“So out here, where the gods and their curses have no power, I can just come out and say it… like a real person! Sir Francis is going to be so pissed when he finds out. Poor guy went full murder-board, red-yarn crazy, trying to crack the case…” He chuckled and smiled at the thought. “Where was I?” He asked the crowd.
Gandree had a notepad out, cribbing down the details in a firm, clear hand. He was so damn diligent! Becky, Ivy and Liam were note taking too, but that was expected of nerds like them.
“You performed a ‘Slim Shady’ at the gathered court of the leaders of your land and summoned… War to testify? Like an actual god, god?” The dwarf offered a scant few seconds later.
“Yeah, that’s it! An actual, divine, eternal god, the kind that thrives on worship and grants mortals spiritual Contacts to empower their followers in mind, body and soul. Gods. There’s also spirits, lesser divines, fae, outsiders and others who can Contract as well.” He answered merrily.
“That was when I decided to begin working on my plan.”
The gathered Wards and associated weirdos leaned forward as a group, all eager to explore the enduring mystery of what the fuck happened next.
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
“We’ll pick the story up later…” He announced with an exaggerated yawn.
“Nope! You’re telling us now! Right now, papa!” Amy demanded, brandishing a cheese knife at her father furiously. “No more stupid secrets!”
“But sweety, this is the stupidest secret of them all!” He whined, through a smile that was too excited to conceal.
“All right… you twisted my arm!” He gasped at last.
#
“He can’t tell them any more, can he?” Inari demanded from her seat at the bar, her long white fox tails thrashing in irritation. “The conservative faction is already on the edge of some foolish action or other!”
“He can and will, if he wishes.” Ipet said very firmly. “The divines have overplayed their hand in general and Dana’s faction in particular have performed a mighty and stupid unforced error.” Her sweet, red cupid’s bow smile always seemed a perfect fit, despite her hippopotamus visage and gold capped ivory tusks. Strands of beads in gold, ivory, lapis, jade and turquoise hid her dark full breasts and rattled softly with her movements, as she sipped her tea and savored a date stuffed with mint, candied lemon and rice.
“I’d like to make some witty comment about ‘the infield fly rule’ or some such arcane nonsense, but mortal sports remain a mystery to me.”
Her teacup landed on its saucer with a nearly silent clatter that rang out like an earthquake in the stillness.
“My servant will speak when and if he choses, of what he will. If a price is to be paid, so be it.” She lifted the cup back to her lips and sighed. “It’s just getting good. We should all listen, since none of us truly know what transpired on that terrible day.”
#
Gary was being a complete asshole, slouching in his chair carelessly and telling the tale in a roundabout way. The common room held a tension and expectant eagerness that halted all cross talk and kibitzing with an iron fist. One could almost feel that some great and awesome regard had fallen on the room, hammering at the minds of those present on an instinctive level.
Bloody Gary just kept prattling on, unconcerned.“In the course of our adventures, we picked up a lot of weird things… and you know I can’t stand to waste magical energy, so I started collecting different elemental and spiritual residues and fragments sorted out by type in a bunch of handy, cursed storage jars.”
“Those evil corpse jars that necromancer made?” Becky demanded hotly. “I knew we shouldn’t have let you salvage those!”
“Well too late! I still have a whole bunch of them… but one fewer than I used to.” He grinned a wide and evil smile that was fueled by eager and active hate. “I made one into a bomb. A perfect, devastating, weapon of mass emotion. I’m confident in saying, it was the most powerful sexbomb ever detonated in this, or any reality.”
“Sexbomb?” Amy asked very carefully. “You did say… sexbomb, right?”
“Oh yeah. Sexbomb!” He agreed eagerly. “It was packed with collected sexual magic and emotion. It was all ethically harvested and derived from actual mortal experiences, empowered by contact with extreme magical forces.”
He grinned even more widely, broadcasting an unnaturally potent smugness that was almost visible in the air.
“With a torn and stained naughty nighty, a few tears shed in a moment of honest grief or joy… Add a bit of fae influence and divine meddling, all stirred up in a hormonal soup and packed under awful pressure by my own secret blend of spells and binding curses…”
“So, a sexbomb… an explosive powered by mortal lust?” Amy asked, which nearly killed Gary with embarrassment.
“Aww… I forgot, my kids are here…!” He whined.
“Papa, grow up.” Amy sighed.
“All grown up.” The big man shook his head and smiled weakly. “Anyway… I detonated my no-no bomb in a place where mortal emotions and Will are dangerously volatile; in the presence of a large group of immortals, demons, fae, lesser divines and three actual gods.”
His jovial and silly demeanor drained away in a moment, leaving a cold, hard, implacable being in his place for a few terrible seconds.
“None of them were able to resist my power in that place. Now they are no longer immortal, or really, in existence as the beings they were. Mortal incarnation, you see.”
“You killed them?” Amy asked softly. “You killed Craft, Order and War? With a sexbomb?”
The foolish, warm and silly man snapped back into existence at his daughter’s question.
“No, baby… I made them mortal, in a place where mortal flesh cannot endure. Then I launched what was left of them into the Devourer of Souls, to be incarnated as normal mortal beings, on my old homeworld where there is no magic at all…” He paused for a moment and gave it some thought.
“I suppose, saying it out loud… Yeah, I totally murdered those guys! Not just them, though! They had a whole bunch of cronies and flunkies with them, all those assholes went along for the ride. A whole army of shitty immoral and selfish little piggies who thought I would roll over and obey…”
He deluged the listeners with another wave of supernatural smugness, it poured out from his aura, brimming over with self satisfaction and amusement at his greatest prank.
“I took every single hollow one in the universe with me, as well. The whole damn species. That’s a genocide I can stand behind with pride.”
In the minute that followed, only the purring of kitten Shiro on Amy’s lap could be heard in the crowded inn by the shore.
The tall blonde form of Sara stood up a moment later and spoke to the group.
“All right you clowns. I hate using these things but why not.” Sarah grumbled, as she fumbled around in her bag.
After a few seconds she produced a white cloth object, which turned out to be a wide headband with an orange lens on a hinge, allowing it to be lowered over one eye.
“This is a scouter module, the cult of light uses them to search for magical creatures, magical effects and people with power.” She placed the device on her brow and lowered the lens to her left eye.
Sarah carefully fixed her gaze on each member of the group in turn, starting with Gary.
“Unranked… your power level is fifty, that’s high for a normie. You have the faint residue of power around you, but sorry pal, you are a D rank entity, a baseline human.” She declared firmly, before turning on Becky with a smile.
“S rank! I suspected you were potent but that’s surprising!”
The woman went through the group declaring her readings from the device with increasing pleasure. “...Another S rank, Liam was it? Splendid!”
She finished with the big, gangly horse and his bonded companion, Lindsey. “C rank, power level two hundred, but your power is only just blossoming, my dear! You are a lovely little box of treasures, aren’t you!”
She smiled smugly and turned her attention back to the big, silly man at the heart of the matter. “See? Of them all, you are the weakest being here! Your little bug familiar is far stronger than you… where is the other one? I want to read her power level as well.”
“”Oh, yes, just a moment…” Amy turned her head and called into the fireplace across the room. “Mariah, are you awake, dear?”
A second or two later, that fiery moth winged girl fluttered out of the hearth and alighted on the fool’s shoulder.
“Heya, what’s with that goofy looking hat?” She asked with a yawn.
“This measures your current and potential energy levels, little bug.” Sarah cooed softly. “I just want to look at you through this lens, it won’t hurt at all.”
The little being shrugged and sat on her perch, kicking her heels. “Will this take long? I’m sleepy.”
“Not at all, just let me engage the lens…” She peered at the tiny creature through her monocle until her brow furrowed. “Unranked… Your status is D and your power level… Over nine thousand?!” She gasped in surprise and shock.
“That’s it!” Sarah snapped at last. “Tomorrow morning, I’m re-opening this damned dungeon and you loons can either challenge it, or depart.” She stomped off for the baths, grumbling and complaining loudly.
“I’m a bloody dungeon lord…! No respect!”
#
Gary and the gang watched her go in silence. Most of them were still digesting the whole ‘sexbomb’ thing with some difficulty.
That was quite a mouthful, lad…” Shai whispered just a little too loudly.
“It’s a lot to swallow…” Ivy muttered in a voice loud enough to be heard all over the room.
“Yeah, it’s a long, hard story… pretty girthy too.” Becky added.
“Now friends…” Shai began earnestly. “Tis a delicate matter, best we explore his tenderest secrets gently…” She began to giggle just a little, as she turned on Gary at the end. “Ye may feel some pressure and a little pain, my lad.”
“I know, right?” He enthused with the group. “I’m really happy with how well it worked… and the jokes write themselves!” He paused mid-chuckle and took on a thoughtful expression.
“It feels like I’m forgetting something, though.”
#
Sarah unwound her sash and finally unclasped her bra in the changing room. The thing was magically comfy, but there was something about letting it all hang out that was just satisfying. She slowly and gently rubbed her breasts, because it felt like the right thing to do, after releasing the girls.
With just as much eagerness, she ditched the thong as well. Whatever spells the dwarven smutcaster had enspelled the little scrap with, had made it supernaturally well fitted…
Having a silk cord running up box-canyon was a new and not entirely positive experience, but not that negative, either. “It should have rubbed my arsehole raw…” She muttered in surprise, while lathering herself up in the bathing room.
Getting clean; really clean was a luxury she hadn’t experienced in a long time and the glimpses of the hotspring baths she’d already gotten spurred her on.
Soaking in a vast, outdoor spring was too irresistible an idea, no matter how crack brained these idiots might be.
Her wet footfalls on the smooth pavers around the pool echoed weakly in the steamy garden, as she slipped into the hot, swirling, green water with a desperate sigh of pleasure. The tension of maintaining her vessel eased immediately, as she slowly relaxed and let everything drift away on the herbal and mineral scented steam.
Lost in timeless ease and absolute relaxation, Sarah surrendered all track of time and everything, as she floated on the swirling water.
“Guys… wasn’t Sara in here?” She heard the young dark girl with the sweet voice ask. “I feel her in the bath, but she’s not here.”
“I dunno, Amy… maybe she’s diving deep.” Another female voice answered, this one a little low and warm. “Is that an octopus in the bath?”
It was that blonde mage Ivy, she decided, her eyes still closed in blissful repose.
‘I’m right here.’ She said, without producing any audible sound, since a tiny yellow, blue ringed octopus had no way to produce human speech.
‘Oh, shit! I don’t have a body!’ He shouted in surprise and anger, by shifting his primary color to a bright, screaming red. ‘Now things are getting complicated…’
#
The whole crew peered into the big round jar their guest the ‘dungeon lord’ was swimming around in and gaped like a pack of rubes.
“It’s two bits to stare at the freak!” She scolded them sharply, with a few rapid color changes and a bit of body language. It was useless, of course. Nobody human could or would speak octopus, what would be the point?
“Back off gang. Sarah needs a little space, she’s feeling vulnerable right now.” The big fool shooed his gaggle of idiots away and sat down in front of her jar.
“I speak octopus, Sarah. We can talk.” He muttered quietly.
“Try and keep it low key please, my son’s girlfriend already thinks I’m a world class weirdo.”
“If you speak octopus, she’s probably right.” The octopus answered. “And I’m a guy, so I guess you can call me Ace, Sarah seems to have disappeared on me.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot to warn you. My pool will dissolve any matter that isn’t protected by a living Animus.” He shrugged helplessly at the jarred cephalopod.
“Your zombie body was alive enough to fool people, but you can’t fool the Devourer of Souls, they are pretty much the beginning and end of all things.”
“That’s marvelous, you loon, but now what will I use for a body?” He demanded as fiercely as a bottled octopus could.
“I have a few of my old toys lying around, but I want to consult an expert before we do anything more… invasive. We have to call in my brother.” He took a stretch as he stood, then collected her jar in his arms.
“Let’s go outside and call him in; it should be fully dark now.”
#
Ward reclined in the bath, as alone as he ever could be in the forest of dryads… Which meant he had Greenbriar and Wisteria in his arms, snuggling close and mostly asleep.
He gently wriggled free of the clinging ladies and entangled them with each other, while he slipped over to the other side of the enormous rock lined spring.
With a flex of his will, the luminous, sparkling orb of that wayward soul drifted to him from under the branches of a flowering dogwood tree.
The fragile seeming soap bubble of iridescent, glimmering light leapt to his hand and moulded itself into his grip eagerly. The little thing wanted to be, it had a Will and a fragment of its remnant Animus but little else beyond a stubborn will to live on.
On a whim, the young god tucked it into his shadow to mature for a while, floating among the vast number of mortal souls fermenting and churning away in there. In that swirling soup of disembodied minds and souls that were unprepared for the next step, the little light might just become something interesting…
A soft splash and a gentle ripple warned Ward that he had incoming, but it was too late. They were on him in a flash, leaping from concealment in his momentary distraction.
Crabapple latched her slender arms around his waist and clung with tenacious fury, while Dogwood and Grape pinned his arms.
“Well, well, well…!” Sequoia whispered softly, as her enormous hand closed on his shoulder. “Were you planning on slipping away on another of your sneaky little ‘missions’ for the Joker’s pack of cards?”
“Uh, no, darling, I was just contemplating this interesting soul I found…” He mumbled and stammered, fishing in his shadow for the slippery little thing. It sensed his distress and was hiding away, the cheek of the little guy!
“Come on, Ticklefoot… Help me out here!” He whispered desperately.
“Nope. you’re coming with us… We have a mossy little glade all picked out and we’ve drawn lots for the order.” The statuesque, red skinned woman murmured from her awe inspiring height. Her lips crashed down on him like a dead fall branch, stunning him.
He lost his senses for a while, or so he pretended, as the beautiful dryads dragged away and ravished his poor, trembling, giggling body.
“No, Hornbeam, don’t touch me there!” He squealed, while arching his back up, to press his navel closer to her kiss; lost in the delight of the game and the pleasure of their company and touch...
He pitty-patted at the lustful tree maidens, ‘fending them off’ with ‘all his might’, even though all but Sequoia were from the understory. The sweet, sexy understory, where the ladies were not so tall, but the bounty of nature was most fulsome and generous.
Crabapple’s slim, pale body and white blonde hair whipped across his face, as she slipped in for a deep and lingering kiss, drawing an ecstatic moan from the ‘torture victim spread eagle on the mossy lawn, pinned down by his gleeful foes.
“We are going to leave you wrecked, Fig boy…” Crabbie whispered, her voice husky and just a bit tart in his ear, while her breath smelt of blossoms and sweet summer dew.
“But, I‘m just a poor wanderer… lost in this beautiful forest…” He whimpered in the brief moment his lips were free.
“This is the fate of the foolish and unwary, in these woodlands…” Strangler Fig whispered, fully engaged in their roleplay, as she slowly entwined herself around him, smothering his pitiful cries of pleasure and distress.
Before she could drop her most sensitive places over his silly, foolish face to silence that wicked, deceitful tongue, his form began to fade and diminish beneath them.
“No fair, Ward!” Strangles the Ficus maiden cried, the hurt plain in her soft, whispery voice.
“Oh, no! Shit! Sorry babes! Not my fault! I’m being summoned, darlings…” The tall, muscular god grumbled angrily as he began fading from the forest glade of delights he’d been carried off to.
“Drat the timing! Wait right there, ladies! I’ll be back in a jiffy!”
#