Book 2: Dirt Diver’s Dance

Jokers’ Wild Ch: 50

It was a full moon night, with both orbs fully illuminating the forests and wildlands on the world below. That was Ward’s time to shine… as the god of Death and master of the Madman’s Moon.

For reasons he didn’t understand and was enjoying himself too much to investigate, he felt especially gibbous and low hanging tonight, like nothing could eclipse him on a night like this.

“I’m a bountiful harvest moon, bask in my luminous rays, my darlings…” The divine being murmured, deeply amused by his own performance.

He lounged on a low platform of silken cushions, feeling even more fully alive and connected to his adopted homeworld far above… or below, depending. He writhed with sensual languor among an absurd number of pillows, acres of fine woven silk must have gone into that wondrous, plush stage set of opulence and decadence.

Every kith and kind of silk spinning insect had contributed something to that enormous plump pile of plush pillows and upholstered garden bed of wicked, sensual temptations and delights.

Over the top? Absolutely. Ridiculously extravagant and stupidly luxurious? Yup.

“Entertain me…” He demanded imperiously from his bed, his command both listless and imperative.

Ward was sprawled bonelessly across the ample acreage, dressed in a few shreds of sheer silk; while all around him, the lovely leafy ladies of his harem were scattered, adoring their lord and worshiping at his feet.

Sequoia fed him a wedge of chilled dewberry pie, pilfered from some human’s pantry in the mortal world by a sneaky brownie or pixie, for his special night. Likewise, the pear brandy that Pear herself poured for him was also stolen goods, lifted in the night by the fae…

So too were the bread, cheese, wine, beer, sausages and… “All right, who brought the tuna casserole?” Ward demanded.

“Oh, no…” Ginkgo whispered from behind her fan. The delicate brushstrokes of a master’s hand had depicted a winding, tortured ginkgo tree on the crisp, white paper membrane. Drawn in simple and stark black ink, it made a striking counterpoint to the concealed woman, almost entirely obscured by her elaborate hairstyle and complex, colorful, ritual kimono.

“Was that wrong? I pay little attention to human cuisine…” She whispered meekly.

“No, darling, it’s actually one of my favorites, I just wasn’t expecting…” He paused, briefly, before exclaiming:

“Oh sweet! They swiped the crispy fried onions, leeks and garlic too! Clever little guys!”

A small phalanx of tiny men dressed in outlandish, anime style ‘ninja attire’ shot him a thumbs up, before executing a quick wheel maneuver with uncanny, military precision. The little men vanished into the forest, their heads bent forward and arms held behind them, dashing away, doing the ‘Naruto Run’ as tradition dictates.

“I love full moon nights!” Ward moaned, as Strangler Fig’s powerful hands began massaging his feet.

“Yes, master.” She sighed subserviently. “As you wish, my lord…”

Apricot joined in, gently massaging his shoulders, her small, soft hands were delicious on his bare skin.

“Plumeria wanted me to remind you…” The soft, tender girl murmured in his ear.

“Yes, lover?” He cooed. “What does sweet Meria want, on my very special night?”

“She wanted me to let you know that the full moon began waning ten minutes ago. She wants you in the sailor suit, since you’re tardy for your date.” The hateful little vixen murmured in his ear, her sweet voice, now a poisonous hiss, in his tortured mind.

“Oh, shit, shit! We had a date! Oh, crap!” The god of Death, Vengeance and Golden Figs scrambled out of his pile of damsels and hurried away donning an adorable white sailor suit, adorned with ribbons of baby blue and shiny silver buttons and buckles.

He hitched up his knickerbockers and adjusted the pretty bows at his knees. Once his neckerchief was at just the right angle to let Plumeria know he was a stone cold rebel, he went up to the inn to grovel at her feet.

#

Marduk and Eponna pretended to not notice the weird performance that was going on at the garden gate, but it was pretty distracting. He paused the big screen, drawing a groan from the gathered divines.

“Ward… why are you kowtowing before lady Plumeria?” He asked impatiently.

“I don’t really want to know how you screwed up this time, but we all know you won’t stop this… whatever, until it’s all out in the open… I’d like to get back to the program. This episode is particularly interesting!”

He sighed and tapped his golden sandal toe at the man in the sailor suit with his forehead on the ground.

“I was fifteen minutes late for our date to watch the show… and I may have killed another immortal.”

He mumbled.

“Just a little one. Nobody remembers Hiaruntrix, the Night Hag anyway, that’s why she was the demon queen of

Unremembered Nightmares.” He smiled, which was somehow evident, despite the way he was still kissing the dirt, and chuckled.

“She WAS the Thief of Nightmares.”

“All right, Ward. I’ll forgive you, but only because that twat needed to face either Death or a deep dicking…” Plumeria sighed benevolently. “I’m proud of you for making the right choice.”

“Oh, yeah…” He replied, as he got to his feet. “I totally knew she was going to try and curse me while we were boning, but I was totally ready for it!” Ward answered blithely.

The tiny hand that clamped onto his ear and dragged him off into the dryad woods was merciless.

“Well…” Marduk sighed as they vanished. “...let’s get back to the show. I had no idea funerals worked that way!” He murmured, as the show resumed.

The blackness of the shroud got savagely torn away by Shai’s mighty hands, showering light and sensation back into the black world he had been in. Blinded, deafened and bent nearly double by the hammerblow his former friend, Kermal had dealt to his guts, Gary moaned and begged to be re-interred, just for a little while; before he slipped away into the natural sleep of a newborn babe.

“Fascinating…” Ipet muttered, her dozens of beaded necklaces rattling softly over her otherwise bare breasts. “Many of my worshippers have elaborate funerial rites… but I don’t work that side of the business. I had no idea the rituals were so versatile!” The hippo headed goddess of Justice murmured excitedly, leaning back on the sofa, her arms draped around Hotoi and Bast.

Distracted by the entertainment, mighty Ipet barely noticed that she was hugging the two disparate divines so close that their faces were nearly lost in the smooth soft boobs and clattering beads.

“Ease up there, divine lady,” Baron Samedi tipped his shiny black tophat and adjusted his crisp funeral suit lapels with a nod of his bare, grinning skull. “They don’t need to breathe, but I think Bast might be about to scratch you someplace tender if… you don’t let go…”

He leaned closer, peering at the plump, jolly god of happiness and good fortune, who was slowly being engulfed, lost in the ‘valley of the queens’.

“Hotoi’s fine.” The skeleton deity chuckled at the scene, the cotton tufts in his empty nasal cavity fluttering in his amusement.

Jolly old Hotoi may have said something, but his divine proclamation was lost among the glittering treasures that barely concealed what was truly priceless… The sweet, bouncy funbags of the divine hippo hottie..

The Baron leaned back in his chair, with the now liberated Bast curled up on his lap; while the feline goddess kept glaring at Ipet from across the coffee table.

“That was a magical healing ritual… A potent one too. A spiritual death and rebirth, with a ritual purification of the body…” He sipped from a bottle of rum, the liquid vanishing into his fleshless form, because that was just how things worked...

The skeletal man belched around the skinny, crooked cigar that was somehow still burning between his teeth; releasing a ring of blue and orange fumes, smoke and flames that lingered in the air above him.

“That was old school and risky in the extreme, far too dangerous to attempt without the skills of a potent Mojoka. That goblin knows his stuff.” The skeletal deity rubbed his boney jaw in consideration for a moment.

“Marduk’s pet should be free of bonds, strictures and curses, unless I miss my guess; but it will be a while before he wakes... Switch channels, let’s see what that little green guy is up to!”

With a subtle wave, Joy replaced the black screen and the sound of Gary’s own soft, sleepy breathing with bright lights, as they joined the action, already in progress.

#

“Please…” The goblin moaned piteously from his brightly lit cell. “Let Ghnash out of this awful place! Ghnash good good goblin! You see! Strong magic and very clever!” He gabbled and whined, his huge, hard knuckled and scarred hands desperately trying to shade his eyes from the intrusive lights.

They had released him from the bed, at least… But he was stuck in the bright-hole and couldn’t escape… It was almost as if they knew how to deal with a shadow witch’s powers…

“No.” The faceless priestess said, not ungently, as she dimmed the lights a little more and entered the room, distracting him from his scattered thoughts and disrupted mojo. The accursed lights remained bright enough that no shadows could be cast in the tiny, white plastered room.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

“You performed an unauthorized necromantic ritual on my brother… I’m not letting you out until I’m certain he’s safe… and then I’ll consider parole.”

“Ghahh! Wicked priestess! Please at least make it dark dark! I can’t think when the lights are so loud!”

He pleaded and chittered, while squatting on the bed, with the coverlet draped over his head.

“How does the blanket not even cast a shadow? This is madness!” He whined.

“We have taken steps to prevent you from escaping, that’s all you need know, Ghnash. If you’d kept your word we wouldn’t be going through this awkward phase in our relationship.”

Her face was completely engulfed in crawling shadows and creeping hints of what lies unseen in the depths of a winter’s forest; yet Ghnash sensed she was smiling… She dimmed the lights a little more too.

“Can I get you anything?” She asked, as she prepared to leave the tiny chamber.

“My flute would be nice…” He sighed, sounding much more human, much more… Gary. “I know you won’t trust me after what I did… When I get stressed… I get a little…” He shrugged his compact, muscular green shoulders. “I’m a gobbo, in the end. I kinda get… primal and…” The giant goblin sat on the bed, looking lost and very confused.

The hooded figure leaned close, looming over him, towering a full five feet, three inches, putting her head and shoulders above the slumped green man.

“Here… you can borrow this.” She murmured, passing him a beautiful ebony and monster bone recorder, as she departed. “I’ll try and get you cut loose soon.” She reached out a gloved hand and gently patted the king of all goblins on his shaggy head.

“Daisybelle and Gandree will come to visit in a moment, I think. Have fun and be nice. Shai really wanted to skin you alive over that stunt, but she’s cooling down...”

On impulse, he held his arms out, hoping for a hug.

The slim, dark robed woman pulled Ghnash to his feet and held him close without hesitation, embracing the goblin man with his head resting on her breast. They stood like that for a little while. Ghnash kept sobbing, sneezing and really putting the impressive stain and moisture resistance enchantments on her robe to the test.

“Ghnash makes mess mess of fancy mojo robes…” He burbled and wheezed into her arms a few seconds later.

“That’s ok brother, I’ll make my Gary wash them for me. Thanks for making me feel tall, little guy.” She murmured in his long green ear.

“Ghnash big big!” He grumbled weepily. “Humans just too too freaky-tall… weirdos.”

#

“What is that creature? What is it doing there..?” A hoarse, raspy voice whispered from the doorway, her hidden eyes fixed on the wide screen the divines were watching with such interest.

The little goblin man on the screen sat down on the bed, playing a merry tune on his flute; as the person whose senses the divines were snooping and spying on, turned and left the creature’s cell.

As one, the gathered divines in the spacious room turned and looked at the doorway and the ragged, black and gray cloaked figure looming there, tall, despite her hunched and stooped back.

Propped up on a long staff of some monstrous, unidentifiable bone, decorated with songbird skulls and raptor feathers, the ancient crone in the entryway glared at the gaggle of immortals with unconcealed distrust.

“A question I might also ask of the gathered company… regarding your own presence, Baba Yaga.” Marduk answered coldly.

“I invited her, lord Marduk.” Thirp answered smoothly, as she stepped into the foyer with the hag. “She wants to talk.”

The spider deity shrugged helplessly… and with a large number of very confusing shoulders. “Things are coming to a head, I think. We should at least listen, before going all in…” She glanced significantly at the ancient forest witch and smiled very coldly.

“Even though we have quite a strong hand. A full house of face-cards, all kings, jacks, jokers and knaves.”

The witch hiked up her ragged robes and cloak, coughed

raspily into her elbow and tried to smile at the group of immortals, divines and fae that were all staring at her expectantly.

Her ‘smile’ did little for the tense atmosphere, her twisted, sharp teeth and cruel, mirthful lips were less than reassuring. The dark, glittering eyes peering from her hood bore a keen intelligence and a gleeful sense that she was pulling one over on whoever met her gaze for long.

“Divine and blessed Dana, lady of Healing, has tasked me with resolving the ‘unpleasantness’ between our factions…”

She coughed again, when the neutral stares intensified, silently becoming mildly hostile and suspicious, across the varied and disparate beings scattered around the room.

All except jolly Hotoi, he remained blissfully oblivious, nearly lost in his search for the ‘source of the Nile’ somewhere between those two smooth and supple mountains.

“Don’t pass through the reeds, lad!” Oghma chuckled and wheezed with amusement, as the pleasant viewing party turned chaotic. “Fish him out by his ankles, Ba'al, ‘ere he be lost forever.” Ipet simply smiled benignly at the struggling god and blushed a rosy pink on her dusky hippo cheeks.

“Well, I suppose we should make this a garden party, then. I expect several more entities to arrive.” Marduk grumbled sourly.

“Thirp may have invited you into the grounds, but I’ll not have you in the house…” The little god’s glare was anything but subtle, even blowing her tattered cloak of rags about with the force of his divine regard.

“Don’t look at me like that, Thirp. This is my friend’s house, I’m just watching it for him…” Marduk sniffed at the aghast and embarrassed spider.

“Very well… though such discourtesy is unbecoming and reflects poorly on the hospitality of Gary’s house…” The wily spider deity had a knack for hitting the little god below the belt.

“I don’t care. I don’t trust her.” Ducky sniffed. “Come along gentle beings, let’s get this buffet moved! And for the sake of all that’s divine, someone help Hotoi!”

All that remained to be seen of the jocular and rotund deity were his slippers, helplessly kicking in the grip of the hippo goddess’ divine cleavage.

“He kicked me when I tried… right in my nose!” Ba’al complained, rubbing his wide, bovine snoot.

With the sound of a person passing through a beaded curtain, Hotoi strolled back out from the voluptuous valley, smiling and whistling gaily; wearing a strand of lapis lazuli beads around his neck and bearing a huge red lipstick mark around his wide, joyous smile.

“What did I miss?” He asked Ipet, coyly.

#

Two soggy, salt stained, ragged and rash covered wretches were sprawled on the sand, awaiting whatever fate the infidels had planned for them. Samuel and Kiba remained face down in the oddly clean sand, it didn’t even bear the ungodly reek of the slowly decaying zombie rowers that had been absolutely wrecked on this very beach the night before.

No sign of the battle remained at all inside the compound, while a platoon of young men and women combed the jungle and wild fringes for remnants of the intense conflict that had destroyed a landing force that could have swept a small city off the map in an hour or two.

Around twenty people and a few pets had simply demolished the expeditionary force, from the comfort of a pleasant inn, surrounded by a lovely hedge of flowers and berries… A hedge that was once more intact.

Samuel risked peeking up from his place on the sand and was answered by a soft growl from the huge white and silver-grey snow leopard that was napping nearby; and guarding them very effectively while snoozing.

Eventually a tall and skinny shadow fell over the two men, joined by a much shorter one. “All right you two… Count Liam says I can’t just slaughter you on his beach.” The taller figure said, in a voice that was harsh and just a little wooden sounding.

“Start explaining why I shouldn’t drag you out into the jungle and tidy up where his lordship won’t be offended.”

“That awful winged monster and her terrible undying shadow minion told us to swim for it, so we did! I swear… we never really wanted to join the church of the blessed Light!” Kiba squeaked into the sand, his own voice nearly wrecked by thirst and misery.

“They all say that when they realize that they’ve fallen into the clutches of Ace, the demon lord of the Turtle islands.” The creature announced proudly.

“Oh, gods above and below… another damn chunni!” The shorter shadow mumbled. “All right, on your feet. Try anything funny and you’ll have to deal with Audrey. She’s pretty cranky after eating all those salted zombies.”

When Samuel and Kiba staggered upright, swaying and staggering, they faced a compact young man with the handsome face of a lord’s pillow toy, but the bearing of a lord in his own right and a bizarre, blue puppet creature made of lacquered wood…

Behind them stood a monstrous plant dragon of green, growing vines, broad leaves and showy snapdragon flowers, bedecked in all the colors of a child’s fancy.

“Kiba…” Samuel gasped weakly. “I think we died and the afterlife is fucking weird.”

#

Ghnash let out a huge belch, dusted a fart over the bed he was sitting on and set his plate on the floor, licked so clean it was hard to tell it wasn’t a fresh one from the cupboard.

“Mmm.. spicy…” He murmured happily, a dollop of sticky hotsauce dancing on the tip of his nose, just out of reach of his long goblin tongue. “Buffalo batspider wings… takes me back…”

“My sister made those for you…” The hooded girl murmured. “You have gained a fingernail’s width of her forgiveness for your antics; for which I’m surprised and pleased, considering how things turned out.” The girl chuckled at him darkly from within her cowl.

“Her husband is recovering, though he has yet to wake, so you might not find yourself sliced into goblin king bologna.”

Her voice sharpened a moment later. “What were you doing when you fell out of that tree and smashed face first into a heap of guacamole? Why were you pretending to be the man you buried?”

“Faugh, Ghnash old old goblin; little human girlie… Got confused and loopy, lat nub gruk. Too young by far, is old man problems.” He sniffed her to be sure and grinned. “So familiar… but nub… Ghnash has daughters older than you.”

“Come out into the common room and tell me about them… It’s just us in the house, your majesty...” She had a slightly teasing note in her almost familiar words. Something about those robes concealed her features and masked her voice; the robes were damn familiar too, in some really weird ways. He could almost feel the spells and enchantments wrought through them.

“Aren’t your friends worried I’ll eat you up and escape?” He asked mildly, skewering her with a deadly up-raised eyebrow and a jab of his long, pointed nose.

“They know I can handle myself, even in the face of the mighty Ghnash.” A tiny giggle escaped her lips, as she led him out of the awful cell and into the too familiar house.

It was all too too familiar… and not at all. This was no soul home he stood in, not in any way he understood the principles involved. It felt far too real and solid. As real as any well built country inn; and yet… He shoved those thoughts away and sat down across from the mysterious priestess.

“Daisybelle is my youngest, at just barely seventeen…” He sighed and shook his head. “Makes her like… twenty-two or something, human wise. Gobbos are born with thinkin’ stuff that works… no dangerous, vulnerable, crawley babby time fer little gobbletts.” He grinned and shrugged his muscular green shoulders.

“We are cursed, cursed in our blood and bones, all goblin men… but goblin girls, they have smarts and cooperate. Poor things, they wander the wilds, hiding from gobbo men and dreading the turning of the seasons.”

“But you’re different, right?” She coaxed him gently.

“Ghnash was a human, then he died. Very sad, but human soul got stuck, wedged between life and death. Teetering on a knife’s edge and spewing magic into a world where no magic exists.” The goblin grinned and chuckled ruefully, while his hands quickly and elegantly served the tea and cookies on the table.

He moved with even and certain grace, wielding the teapot with a deft hand. No cups nor saucers rattled or tattled, the napkins were folded with care and all the tableware lined up with martial precision, while appearing effortlessly subtle and understated.

“He wandered undead and undying, a magical being in a desert for some years… is hazy after so long.”

“You really are… him…” The faceless priestess murmured softly. “A strange and altered version of him…” She whispered, lost in the ritual of table service she’d watched him perform so many times. Gary had mastered the art of butling and serving at table as a way to tease the nobles of his acquaintance.

Somehow her brother always knew just how to throw the wealthy and privileged off balance, usually with bizarre antics, blended with open handed generosity of spirit that sometimes took her breath away.

That touch of gentle madness and whimsey was what had hooked Shai, dragging her sober and level headed sister from the prosperous and secure life of an established smith in the duchy’s capital; and out into the weird, wonderful world of freelance Adventuring.

This goblin man had the same look in his eye, and the mannerisms as well. “You really are… him…” The faceless priestess murmured softly. “A strange and altered version of him…”

“You have many Garies here… don’t try to fool an old fool… Though, I’m not ‘The Fool’.” He murmured solemnly. “Not anymore…” He grinned at her and nodded. “Temperance!” He announced firmly. “Don’t call me that, though. Ghnash hates being called that; but yes yes! Major Arcana! That’s me!” He grinned at her and chuckled again, displaying a smile that was damnably familiar.

“You’ve met the Chariot, he was my ride here. Big boney and hard to miss.” Ghnash said with a grin.

“Also you’ve met ‘The Lovers’, he hates being called that too; and Gandree is also one of us, though, I’m unsure which… Ten of Pentacles? Seven of Wands?”

“Wait, that short, stocky guy that attached himself to Gary… my Gary?” She asked slowly and carefully. “And by ‘The Lovers’... You mean Ace?”

“Yub yub, Gandree is dwarf, stumpy folk, he’s smart smart to skip the beard, stupid, hot and itchy. Then we has Ace. I never met him before… I couldn’t travel the worlds till I got kissed by SmileyFace and SpiderBoobs. Cursed in my blood to become a mindless horny savage, if I cross the veil.”

He grinned and clapped his oddly large hands together gleefully, sounding and seeming much more human. “No more! All curses broken! In celebration, I broke your poor busted Gary’s curses for him. SpookyGirly is very welcome!” He sat back and crossed his arms, awaiting her praise, which was not forthcoming.

“My goddess informs me that yes, you are correct. My brother has been cleansed of his divine strictures… which is going to be problematic later.” She complained mildly. “We were waiting for the right time, but I suppose now will do, in any case.” She tilted her hood to the side and nodded subtly.

“Daisybelle and Gandree are coming back. I’ll depart and leave you together. Please, don’t test our boundaries again… your majesty.”

With that she vanished, just as the two wargs tumbled in with his daughter and her beau, bringing chaos with them.

“Ahh, feels like home.” Ghnash muttered, knuckles deep in Jasmine’s ruff of coarse fur.

#