Book 2: Dirt Diver’s Dance
I'm Your Fool Ch: 36
Sarah glared at the gaggle of weirdos and frowned in consternation. Daisybelle and her mutts had abandoned ship for team play in the garden with the other local pets, taking Gandree with her. That boy remained a mystery, but a minor one in comparison to the band of crazies infesting her island.
“I know, we’re a lot to take in.” Their mercurial and strange Gary Ward muttered happily in her ear. Somehow it almost seemed like the mad creature could read her mind… when she glanced over, he was already gone.
“I can’t read your mind… sister.” He answered her unspoken suspicion a moment later, dancing by in the arms of his giant redhead hillwoman. “My four younger sons and my brother are all fragments of me, like you are.” He grinned madly at her and chuckled.
“I’ve gotten really good at reading my own body language and expressions over the last few years.”
“I told you, kid… you aren’t special. Some of us have been alive so long, we can’t really remember being that person anymore.” She sighed tiredly, when the young idiot landed back at her table, danced to exhaustion by his still twirling mate.
“The goblin king is at least fifty years old and he’s just a baby compared to me. Nobody even has a clue how long the Magician has been… whatever he is.”
“Oh? The magician huh? Put a pin in that. I’ll want a meeting with this goblin king too.” He said with an innocuous smile.
“Boy, the major arcana are currently at war with the cult of light… and kicking their asses. No one has time to play patty-cake and hold your hand. If I was capable of leaving this domain, I’d be with them!” She snapped. “Be thankful you get guidance from one of the major cards at all.”
Sarah settled back on her chair and glared at the obstinate fool.
“I don’t wanna be a dick about it, but you might want to reach deep inside yourself and find some chill… Things are not going to unfold the way you expect. Wait till sundown, I think you’ll see more clearly after dark.” He gazed out at the wide ocean and a big slice of bright blue sky, smiling inanely.
“Time for a random subject change that will totally turn out to be important later… Your deck had the moon card in it, but it seemed like you don’t really know what the moon is… do you have stories or legends about the moon?”
“Well… everybody just… knows. The moon is like the sun, spinning through the skies of the prime world, casting light in the darkness and banishing evil…” She shrugged. “It’s just the kind of folklore everybody seems to know from childhood.”
“What about travelers from other worlds? Weird people just popping out of holes in the universe. That seems normal to you… right?” He continued.
“Of course. Adventurers used to come stomping in, attacking my monsters, defeating traps… and dying.” She smiled wistfully and gazed up at the sky through the window, lost in her own thoughts for a moment.
“Once they came from all over the cosmos, seeking glory, fame, wealth or power… All the things that motivate people have played out on these islands again and again, in all their variations for centuries.”
She clapped her hands and nodded with a glint of renewed resolve in her eyes. “That’s all in the past now. I sealed the dungeon two hundred years ago to keep the cult of light from turning my home into another of their despicable monster breeding worlds. Time to get back in business, now that they have their hands full.”
She stood, nodded to her hosts and took a long stretch. “I’m gonna take a walk in your garden, bathe in that fascinating, impossible hotspring and enjoy the rest of today. Tomorrow the dungeon re-opens.”
With that, she strolled out into the garden, smiling and taking in the delights all around her with eager and excited gasps.
“Duskmoons? How rare… Apples and cherries! Oh yes!”
“We should do a fruit and cheese plate for dessert tonight.” Becky murmured, as the strange woman vanished down the winding paths that led into the orchards, giggling ecstatically every now and then.
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Sarah lost herself in the impossible, dreamlike garden that somehow sprawled over the mine waste field, transforming the barren, blighted spot into a temperate paradise…
Just as perplexing, the mosquitos, midges, biting flies, chiggers, bloodbeetles and the rest of her venomous, ravenous, crawling and flying host were very distinctly absent.
A simple vermin ward couldn’t possibly exclude those desperate, vampiric multitudes. The sheer weight of so many tiny, hungry minds, all bent to a singular purpose would overwhelm even the most potent barriers and wards in a few minutes at most.
She wandered the grounds, tasting the fruits right from the branches and vines they dangled from and indulged herself in a simple, pastoral tranquility that felt welcoming… like home.
“This place truly welcomes you…” A sweet, high pitched voice sang from the upper boughs of a plum tree. Sarah found the speaker after a moment’s searching; a tiny yellow and black armored humanoid perched on a bough, nearly invisible among the fruit and blossoms.
“He recognises the ways in which you are still him, no matter how much you’ve changed, or what you have had to do to survive...”
“And who are you, little spirit?” She asked gently. “A house sprite perhaps? How charming!”
“House sprite? Pish and piffle, necromancer! I am Kree, warrior princess of this hive! A sugar wasp mistaken for a pixie or fairy indeed!” She buzzed her stained glass dragonfly wings at the confused woman in adorable, tiny irritation.
“I am his bonded familiar and have been entrusted by the eternal god of all Beasts with keeping him safe… from himself.”
“Another silly cult and another god? I’ll thank you to keep such foolishness to yourself. I’ve had enough of false gods and their half baked cults for a dozen lives.” Sarah sniffed with disdain and glared past the moored vessels in the lagoon, out at the open sea, beyond the natural breakwater.
“At long last we might see the end of one of the most pernicious of the ‘faiths’ that have infested these realms. I’d rather not watch another get started on my own island.”
“Beast is a divine being, touching and in turn touched by every animate creature…” The tiny armored girl whispered reverently, in her sweet voice of crystalline chimes.
“Even those that exist at the very edge of what we consider to be ‘living’ are his children. You feel a burden on your soul for the way in which you exist, as a parasitic organism squatting in the half alive corpse of your victim…”
“What do you know of it, spirit?” She demanded, her tone sharp and cold. “I’ll not be analyzed by a pint sized psychiatrist with wings!”
“Poor creature… I watched while my Gary Ward struggled with those same feelings, desires, powers and fears… He too, could have become a predator, a parasite, a necromancer… or a monster.” She whispered, flitting from her branch and buzzing closer to the woman in the orchard.
“Beast will not judge you for how you have survived, for that is the first and only command most mortal beings hear from him… with a precious few exceptions.” She smiled through her armored insect mask and nodded happily at Sarah when she cocked a quizzical eyebrow at the tiny creature.
“You are angling for something… little creature. What are you playing at?” She demanded. “Kree, was it? Speak plain and leave me in peace… I have much to weigh and consider already.”
“Very well.” The armored being whispered sweetly, with a low, sweeping bow to the beautiful dead woman with a tiny octopus hiding in her skull. “If you wish it, with a clear Will and an open mind in this place… You too may be able to hear the voice of the god of all living mortals.”
“Why would I wish to speak with your silly beast spirit? The demons of the light cult have brought enough trouble to these lands and seas. I’m not a fool, eager to open the door for another would-be deity with an agenda.” She snapped harshly, renewing her glare at the little being.
Kree shrugged her shoulders and bowed again. “What a pity. This house is also a temple to many gods; eternal Beast is but the first of several who may wish to speak with you. If you miss this opportunity, it may be long years before one whom even a single god has anointed appears before you…”
“Never mind that.” Sarah barked. “Tell me more about this Gary Ward you follow; he seems feeble and more than half deranged, yet this whole group has their eyes on him...”
“You are perceptive, he is awfully feeble. A normal rank human is a fragile and ephemeral thing, my master could be slain with ease by almost any foe.” She chirped merrily. “I have to be careful, lest I kill him by accident with my own venom, the poor, squishy creature.”
Kree slid her insect mask aside and let it dangle from its straps, revealing a pretty face and laughter filled, bright emerald eyes.
“That’s why I’m here. To protect him, all of him, even the parts that he lost, even the parts of him that have lost their own way...”
“Faugh! Enough with your cajoling and hints… What is it all of these people are here for?” She demanded. “How did they defeat my blood sucking bugs and build this… this place without my knowledge?”
“Your bugs obey his Will, because he is beloved of Beast… and so many others. That is the truth; every living beast watches where he treads and must respond according to their natures; just as the dead must answer his call, for he has been blessed, cursed and anointed by those deities several times over.” Kree landed on a nearby berry bush and folded her wings behind her solemnly.
“Where he walks, the world shifts on its axis and the mountains raise their skirts to dance to his tune. Oppose him if you wish, but remember this; death and chaos walk behind him, wherever he goes. We’ll speak again, before the end.”
She stood and flexed her brilliantly colorful wings, scattering rainbows around the little orchard glade, as she prepared to fly away.
“What do you mean by that? Speak clearly, spirit!” Sarah barked angrily, her eyes flashing in the early afternoon light.
“Your head is humming, and it won't go, in case you don't know… The piper's calling you to join him.” The mysterious little woman murmured in a singsong, lilting tone, slightly sweet, sad and hopeful all at once. “It’s not too late to change the road you’re on.”
A moment later, she was gone, vanished into the shadows beneath the trees.
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Lindsey stood on the white, sandy shore, blushing furiously in the snug, form fitting ‘swimwear’ Becky, Amy and Maya had stuffed her into, just after lunch. The slick fabric had almost no weight to it and clung like a second skin, before even hitting the water. The silky, bright violet ‘one piece’ had been cut so high up the leg and so narrow at the rear, she felt as if her whole bottom was just hanging out there, because it pretty much was… She shot a sneaky look at the other side of the lagoon, where the boys were arrayed variously in loose shorts. All except Barry, who wore a set of snug, tight briefs that bulged and bounced distractingly as he hauled in a net from the shallows, his muscles gleaming under a sheen of sea water and the sweat of his exertions…
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“Focus up, Lin! This is a contest of honor!” Amy called to the distracted girl, who blushed even more furiously, as Barry looked her way.
Lindsey gave a small squeak of alarm and distress, before she dove into the sea, clutching a three pronged fishing spear, before he could get an eyeful of the leggy damsel.
From the sparkling waters of the lagoon, a slim, dusky form erupted in a shower of glittering droplets, dragging a dull brown, weakly struggling horror behind her in triumph. “Another giant lobster!” She shouted gleefully, once the four foot long crustacean was ashore.
“Ten points for us, losers!” Amy dropped her catch among the mangrove roots with a half dozen other sea creatures, whose futures seemed grim among the hungry Adventurers.
She shook her lithe, bright blue bikini clad form and grinned at Lindsey, who was just emerging from the lapping wavelets with a sea bass on her spear, tugging at her one piece, in a hopeless attempt to get it to stop climbing between her buttcheeks so embarrassingly. She had no clue that the garment made her grey eyes seem even larger and more luminous, with her hair coiled in a tight plait and secured for swimming.
Across the lagoon, poor Barry got distracted, for some reason and took a humiliating pratfall into a silty mangrove bog, covering himself with slick, clinging mud from head to toe.
“Nice one!” Becky called out to the pair, while dragging a crab trap up from the depths outside the breakwater. “Shai needs help hauling her catch ashore, girls!”
Out in the middle of the lagoon, a slow spreading cloud of dark ink dimmed the water, where two leviathans were locked in a struggle for supremacy. Shai dove deep, in a flash of pale legs and a perky, green clad backside, chasing her prey as it tried to squirm into a deep crevice and hide.
With a quick thrust, the woman in the skimpy green bikini stabbed her spear into the squirming mass of scarlet tentacles and gave the barbed weapon a vicious twist and tug. She pried the dying octopus from its rocky cleft and swam for the surface, a faint trail of ink following her up.
Amy and Lindsey joined her, to help tow the massive, slimy creature to shore. Twenty feet long from end to end, the brilliantly scarlet hue of the creature faded as they brought it onto the sandy beach with a little help from Flash, once they managed to get a rope around the tangled, slippery mass of boneless meat.
Daisybelle erupted from the water, with a three foot reef shark clenched in her teeth and blood staining the almost invisible, white lace bra and panties she wore, in deference to the others… Not that her wet, clinging white lace undies did much, as far as covering or concealing things went.
Her smooth, taut green skin and voluptuous curves, stacked onto her short, slightly stocky frame distracted Gandree so thoroughly when she burst from the depths, that he forgot what he was doing entirely.
Wide eyed and mouth gaping like a hooked fish, the dwarf lad pitched into the mud face first, while trying to help Barry out of his own slippery, silty quagmire. He thrashed and struggled, buried to his shoulders in muck.
His thick, muscular legs kicked mightily, above his tight, skimpy shorts and the round, stone hard backside Daisybelle enjoyed watching so much.
Barry heaved mightily, sinking himself to the hips in the clinging mud, as he hauled his new friend out of the hilariously dangerous misadventure he’d found for himself.
A few terribly long seconds later, he dragged Gandree ‘s face above the surface, holding the disoriented fellow above the muck while he spat, coughed and gagged.
“Oh shit! This guy’s heavy as fuck!” Barry shouted to the friends and relations on the shore. Slowly, the tall lad sank to his shoulders, still holding the massive dwarf aloft, despite the confused man’s struggles.
“I need some help here guys!”
It took Wilf, Larry and Perry to haul both men ashore, so they could start scraping the mud off of themselves and fishing small sea creatures from their hair and shorts.
“You can’t swim?” Barry asked his still gasping, coughing new brother a few minutes later, when they were sprawled together on the sand, recovering.
“What’s ‘swim’?” He asked in a voice made hoarse by coughing up half the ocean.
“It’s what the girls are doing… Moving through the water and floating like that.” Barry explained very patiently, since it was a great excuse to watch the girls kick the boys asses in the fishing competition.
“People float?” He asked quizzically. “I mean, Daisybelle does… ‘cause she’s so light and soft…”
Gandree lost his train of thought, as the little green lass bounced off the breakwater, diving after some poor, unfortunate sea creature with her teeth bared in a grimace of excited fury.
“You can’t float?” Barry asked, once Lindsey stopped distracting him, running through the surf, smiling beautifully while clutching a fishing spear.
“Dwarves sink, brother.” Gandree mumbled softly, while desperately trying to control certain unruly parts of his anatomy.
“It’s a density thing…” He shrugged helplessly and sighed at the lovely goblin splashing through the waves with another struggling fish in her teeth. “Nothing to be done for it, I can only watch from the shore. Though, that has its advantages too.”
Daisybelle tossed her bloody, limp barracuda onto the girl’s pile, with a hungry look in her eye. She took a short, very bouncy run in their direction, followed by a spinning leap that planted her almost bare bottom on Gandree’s lap for a few seconds of vigorous activity that somehow involved the dwarf holding her boobs aloft in his trembling palms, while she ‘adjusted’ her skimpy, wet, lacy, practically invisible bra.
She smiled wickedly, while making a show of managing her ‘swimwear’, right in front of her soggy, exhausted beau and his new friend. Poor Barry got a face full of double barrel shortstack as an innocent bystander, which left both boys stunned, gasping and unsure of what just happened to them.
“Your boy is cute too, Lindsey!” Daisybelle called to the lanky violet dream that was glaring at the unfortunate lad from the shore, dripping and still holding her spear in a grip that made Barry blanch and begin stuttering half baked excuses on instinct. “He blushes so red and pink when he sees boobies, just like mine does!”
“Uh… Lindsey…” Barry choked and gasped at the furious girl, while desperately trying to find somewhere to rest his eyes that was safe.
Shai came to her son’s rescue, by ringing the bell ending the competition.
“Aye the girls win… and handily too! We’ll be having seafood hotpot and those tasty octopus fritters!” She mumbled eagerly, when Gary came ambling over, smiling eagerly at the catch.
“Takoyaki, darling… they’re so tasty! I can’t wait!” Before Shai knew it, her husband had a long, slim knife in hand, beginning the long process of butchering the enormous cephalopod with a joyful and eager smile on his slime and ink covered face.
Wilf and the boys did well, but the girl’s team crushed them. A dozen coconut crabs, two small lobsters and a big jute cacao sack of giant clams and oysters made a fine catch, but the girls had this one all sewn up.
Their wicker baskets and tarpaulin on the sand held a terrifying bounty from the shore, from cephalopods and mollusks to three giant lobsters, their claws bound with stout cords so they couldn’t eat the rest of the live catch in the tide-pool.
The fishing contest crowd skedaddled for the baths, leaving a massive heap of seafood for their proud father to butcher.
“Go on and wash up, kids… I’ll handle this.” The tall, smiling man told the already vanished swarm of giggling competitors. Soon only Gary and the dwarf lad remained on the beach.
“Run along, son… I’ll take care of this.” Gary gently urged the remaining lad.
“I… uh, need a minute, before I can stand up… these shorts are… really tight.” He mumbled awkwardly, as he fidgeted on the sand.
“Yeah… That girl is something else.” Gary murmured happily to the burly young man. “You found yourself an honest to goddess, Manic Pixie Dreamgirl. Congratulations, now don’t let her get away.”
A few minutes later, Gandree joined him on the sand, squatting beside the giant with a knife in his own hands.
“I only know how to handle brook trout and such, but I’ll help… if you’ll teach me how.” He mumbled awkwardly at the taller man.
“Sure, son… First, help me gut and wash all these fish. Then we’ll work on that big ol’ octopus.” He spoke softly, but with firm confidence, as he took the young dwarf in hand and began their long, messy job together.
“Careful, that monster fang eel has venomous spines behind its jaw. Feel around very gently and take the head off an inch behind the last one, so you don’t contaminate the meat or damage the venom glands.”
It was smelly, slimy and dirty work, disemboweling the creatures and rinsing them in the lagoon’s clear, salty waters. Gandree followed along, watching the man’s brisk and efficient bladework, as he disassembled the weird sea creatures with a long, keen, bronze bladed knife.
When he finally stood from the bloody sand; a long table with a wooden top, two cutting boards and a pile of clean linen towels stood on the sand behind them, brought out while they worked by some stealthy means. A number of knives of various designs rested in a stand between the two chopping boards, awaiting them.
The dwarf lad spent the next hour learning more than he ever suspected there was to know about cutting fish. His mentor’s tranquil, musical instructions and calm demeanor soothed him into a steady pace, where things seemed to happen very quickly and almost suspiciously easily.
Eventually, he turned around, out of idle curiosity and looked over the huge pile of waste heaped on a tarp on the sand behind them and gasped. There was a truly impressive mound of scales, guts and fins awaiting disposal.
“We really did all that?” The lad asked his new mentor, a nervous tremble in his voice.
“Oh, yeah. One of my magical gifts is responsible; you’ll be a skilled fishmonger before we’re done.” He answered merrily.
“The shellfish can wait a little longer, let’s gather the inedible components and materials. The venom sacks in that eel are first on the list. Come on, son. I’ll show you the trick of it, so you don’t poison yourself.”
Together they worked on the vast but rapidly shrinking pile of seafood, gutting, cutting and cracking their way through the job, one slippery creature at a time; while scavenging the parts the older man indicated were valuable.
“These quills are super useful for making blowgun darts. The venom sacks and glands are used in medicines, especially healing draughts… they taste awful though.”
The strangely familiar man explained the virtues of various kinds of skin, scales, carapace, organs and bones at some length as they worked; and Gandree found himself picking the information up with incredible ease.
“I feel as though we accomplished a ridiculous amount of work in a very short time… and yes, I do think that this art of fishcutting is mine now. I presume that magical gift of yours is why…”
“Yeah, under the influence of my aura, crafts, skills and arts are faster, more efficient and easier to learn. You really vibe with me, so the spiritual exchange was effortless, just like with my kids.”
He sighed as he gathered the tarp of fish waste up into a hefty, disgusting bundle and tied it closed. “Do me a favor, wipe down the table while I take care of all this stuff.”
Gandree nodded and turned to the worktable, only to discover it was gone entirely, along with the knives, chopping boards and towels.
“Oh, sorry…I forgot, I already cleaned those up.” Gary mumbled with an expression of obviously false embarrassment. The sack of reeking fish guts was also gone, with nary a trace left behind.
“Come on, let’s wash up and hit the baths, Gandree.” The much taller man dropped his hand on the dwarf’s shoulder and gave a paternal squeeze of reassurance. “Don’t worry so much.”
“It’s hard to avoid worrying… you’re a very worrisome man, master Ward.” The young fellow answered calmly, with a faint smile on his face.
“All the fish we cut and all the parts are gone. You have a magic storage shadow like mine, don’t you? Just as this house can vanish into your shadow, just as mine can.”
“You’re just gonna lay it all out there, huh?” The giant asked cheerfully. “Nice, but I’m just Gary, son. I always find it’s easier if we just tell the truth all the time; since most people will assume we’re lying and fuck themselves over hilariously...”
Both men shared a chuckle and quiet camaraderie, as they washed up and slipped into the pool together with a matching pair of exhausted sighs.
“It’s not surprising we have similar gifts, my sons all wound up with gifts not too different from mine. They’re all crafty and clever, but they get that from their mother.” He smiled at the blocky young man and nodded serenely.
“Sarah is still struggling with the fact, but she’s my son as well. Our lives are very complex.” Gay leaned back on the curb of the pool, soaking and smiling as if all was right with the world.
“That’s all well and good, but what about dinner? Do we need to bring all that fish to the kitchen?” Gandree demanded, when a low, angry rumble sounded from below the water. “I’m starving.”
“That’s my boy.” Gary sighed happily. “Don’t worry, it’ll be ready when we get out. For now, let’s get to know each other. No one will disturb us except my wife…”
His smile faltered as he reflected on his life and household. “And my kids and Becky… ok, we should talk fast ‘cause my family sucks at boundaries. Just relax and tell me your story, son.”
The man listened quietly as the young dwarf spun his tale over a peaceful half hour or so.
“...now I’m sick and tired of putting up with being bossed around and I’m looking forward to shoving my big ol’ boot between any arse cheeks that get in my way.”
He coughed and blushed in a moment of real embarrassment. “Sorry, I try to keep myself buttoned up tight, but you’re really easy to talk to…”
“Thanks, son. That’s nice to hear.” Gary murmured quietly, his voice almost lost in the rumble of the waterfall. “I think you have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to tell you… Right?” the big man asked in the calm, tranquil, almost musical way he had about him.
“You think you’re the real Gary Ward, even though Sarah is so much older than you…” Gandree mumbled awkwardly. “It does sound crazy, just on the face of it! Even before you start considering the age difference; how can we all be the same person?”
“We aren’t, son. Any more than twin brothers are the same person.” He answered gently. “My sons are all their own people, distinct individuals, just like Sarah and probably, your goblin king… I really need to meet that guy.”
“He’s a lot like you… but more green.” The dwarf replied sleepily, as he sagged lower in the water.
“Speaking of green… tell me about your lady friend.” The big man asked softly, smiling at his sleepy new friend benignly.
“Daisybelle? She’s beautiful, sexy, a princess, daughter of the king and completely out of my league… but she’s so kind and sweet, she doesn’t seem to notice that she’s too good for me…” He mumbled, his lips barely above the surface of the pool. “I think lady Joy must have sent her, just for me… I love her.”
Gary smiled at the sweetly blushing goblin damsel standing unseen by her beau on the edge of the bath, listening to and smiling happily.
“Good grief!” She cried joyously in her boytoy’s ear, drawing a manly squeak of fright from him.
“Would you two dumb dumbs get out of the bath and come eat? Double stupid, as all boys are!”
She reached down and clamped her fingers around the young lad’s earlobe with a grip that showed Shai’s tutelage; no one else could get that knuckle right in the fold of the cartilage every damn time.
“Ow!” The dwarf and man yelped in harmony, as an iron hard grip closed on Gary’s own tender lobe, drawing a similar cry from Shai’s fool husband.
The two women frogmarched their men into the dressing room, then briskly dried and dressed them, while continuing to scold the poor boys mercilessly.
“Does yours constantly wander off and hide in his workshop as well, auntie Shai?” Daisybelle asked sweetly, while towelling Gandree with more vigor than truly needful.
“Aye, ‘tis a constant trial and struggle with that man of mine… Ever he is tinkering on some foolish project or another, when his poor wife does need his help with the chores!” Shai complained, as she shoved her husband’s tackle into a pair of boxer briefs unceremoniously.
“He does fill out his trousers nicely, though.”
Shai delivered a crisp swat to Gary’s rump, once she had finished fastening his sash and arranging his shirt to her liking. “If yours is dressed; let’s away to the table, while dinner is hot.”
The two awful girls prodded and shoved their men along and finally settled in beside them at the table around a huge, shallow caudron of simmering broth, seafood and vegetables. They shared a peaceful meal, surrounded by strangers that felt familiar, on a beach far from anywhere they knew.
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