Book 2: Dirt Diver’s Dance
Jitterbug Into My Brain Ch: 34
Captain Skander hated roaming the hills and trackless forests above the valley floor; but orders were orders and the priest lords’ wills were absolute… No matter which one was giving those orders to a platoon of common templars.
Cardinal Stourbridge has issued the command and there was no avoiding it. One never knew what awfulness might be around the next bush or lurk among the limbs above! At the far end of the valley, where the trees thinned, beneath the triangular peak, the platoon of knights found the traces they were looking for.
“Abnormal energy readings, sir!” Lister called out, as he scanned the area more thoroughly. The small, swarthy, young knight-mage settled his magical device on his brow and flipped a red tinted lens over his left eye, now that they had the location pinpointed.
With the monocle of his scouter engaged, he swept his gaze slowly around the hillside, until he settled on a wide clearing and a circular area of dark, back soil, unlike the surrounding forest.
The captain and corporal dismounted, leaving the reins of their mounts with sergeant Lee and the mounted troop in the clearing. The man in the burnished half plate of the light’s templars peered through his magical device at the circle of dark dirt and rubbed at his eyes in obvious consternation.
“Is this the palace? It seems pretty ordinary.” The captain grumbled uncomfortably, feeling as if unfriendly eyes were watching from all around.
“Definitely here, sir… I don’t recognize the spells used…” The young knight barked in a shaky voice while tapping at his head gear and frowning in consternation. “The magical residue readings are… High. Higher than normal, sir. I may be having a technical issue… with the scouter.”
“So, someone transitioned realms here…” Skander grumbled crossly. “What are the readings? What are we looking at?”
“Traces indicate a small group, twenty to thirty individuals, perhaps… but… Maybe more?” Lister stepped back from the circle of dark soil and moaned weakly, where he thought no one would hear.
“What are you on about, corporal? What’s the power level? B rank at least, to make you so nervous, I bet.” An older trooper mocked the young corporal from the edge of the clearing.
“Stow that, Habbib. Lister, what’s the reading?” The captain demanded sharply, eager to wrap up and head back down to the flatlands.
“Rank, sir…? Yes, there were six S rank entities in the group, at minimum…” The nervous knight answered quietly, as murmurs spread through the twenty mounted and armored templar knights of the holy and blessed light. Hands slipped to weapons and tightened on reins, as mounts picked up their rider’s sudden stress.
“Six… S rankers?” The captain whispered, as his eyes shifted to the tall fortress town, so very far away.
“Yes, sir… and something else, something unranked… I’ve never seen the like before…” The corporal paused to heave his breakfast into a nearby shrub, sacrificing what little dignity he had remaining.
“Something unranked, Lister?” The captain asked gently, once the ashen faced man had wiped his mouth and composed himself again.
“Yes, sir. Something unranked passed through here briefly. It’s gone now, light be praised!” The sagging man gasped. As he pawed at his headgear, struggling to remove it as though simply removing the device would erase what it had shown him.
“Damn it man, what does the scouter say about its power level?” The captain snapped angrily at the shaken and pale knight.
“It’s over nine thousand, sir… Over nine thousand.” Lister sighed, as he crumpled to the ground, just beyond the edge of the strange circle of dark earth, sobbing softly at his captain’s feet.
“Oh? Well fuck me, then.” Skander mumbled. “Mount up, troop. We’re out!”
The mounted band nearly flew down the hillside, slowing only when the lush, wide open fields embraced them and their heaving, lathered horses. The unwelcoming sensation of those watching eyes in the wilderness retreated at the boundary of the light, where the fields and croplands began, easing the dread that gripped the hearts of each in an iron fist.
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“But babe… Kermal whupped my ass last night, while you guys were sleeping!” Gary whined, groveled and sniveled at the smiling woman in training armor, holding a pair of curved split bamboo swords.
“No, lad. Ye have the energy, I see it me own self. Get yer arse in formation and show these wretched brats how we deal with mutiny!” Shai insisted, glaring at the place where the Ragamuffins had vanished into the mangroves to scheme their attack on the Clown-Shoes.
Team Breakfast cheered the two warbands on, eagerly demanding bloodshed. Tallum, Ivy and Dannyl sat on comfy chairs, watching the show from the patio, sipping coffee and smiling with the two insect girls, waiting for the entertainment to begin.
Larry, Barry and Perry had door shields and short spears, presenting a unified front to the foe, arrayed against them in a wide V formation.
Gary, and Lindsey held the left flank, with Flash and Shai on the right and Harry holding the center, armed with a short ironwood baton and a slender wand bearing a blue triangular pennant in his off hand.
Team Clown-Shoes had a distinct advantage, with Gary and Shai on their team for this round; those two added even more reach and mass to the already massive and long limbed defenders. They would be a tough nut to crack without the right strategy.
Amy slowly opened her eyes, taking her senses back from Shiro, who was hidden in the hayloft in kitten form, spying on the enemy. “They’re taking a balanced formation, counting on us to try and rush them from the front…” She sketched what she’d seen through her pet’s eyes, in the sand under the mangroves.
“The boys know their business and nobody wants to try and rush mom, so we will need to take them on the left flank, from behind the stable… Gary and Lindsey are our prey.”
After a few minutes of consultation, Amy arrayed her forces with care, dispersed in the mangroves and hidden on the other side of the stable, awaiting her signal.
In utter silence, Shiro, Wilf, Rio and Benny charged the front line of defenders; bearing stout shields of their own and heavy, padded mauls. The three men and one giant leopard poured out of the mangrove swamp and hit the three armored giants with a thundering crash of wood, metal and flesh colliding.
In the wild flurry of shoving bodies, flying, padded weapons and fur, Sasha swooped and harried the defenders from above, tossing sand in their eyes, dropping coconut husks on them and generally being a nuisance to her foes.
Shiro locked his claws around the rim of Larry’s shield and pulled him off balance, with his not inconsiderable feline mass, creating an opening in the formation at exactly the right moment. Amy reached her wooden cutlass in and hooked Larry’s heel with the back edge, sending him for a hopping, awkward stumble… right into Gary.
Becky’s team came pouring from the stable, crashing into the left side a moment later, further disrupting the defense. Her swift flying, blunted training rapier dipped in and poked Gary on the hip, the wide steel button on the tip shoved him off balance enough for her husband’s wide bladed wooden sword to finish the job.
Kermal chopped savagely down on the tottering bard’s knee, felling him into the rest of the Clown-Shoes team like a massive sequoia, toppling into a dense thicket of lesser trees.
He bowled Lindsey and Larry over as he collapsed, flailing wildly and disrupting their shield formation even further with his ungainly, windmilling fall.
Kermal and Becky trampled the fallen bard into the sand, followed by Maya and Benny, both swinging bamboo staves with gleeful abandon in the tangled mess of friends and comrades.
With Rio and Wilf holding the line beside Amy and pressing the attack from the front, Barry and Perry were too busy to hold off the sudden breakup in their formation, while Larry was tangled up in his father’s messy sprawl, trapped beneath the big bard and the big cat.
The poor boy struggled desperately to escape, only to wind up with the enormous kitty purring and pressing him into the sand, caught beneath his own shield.
Lindsey took the wise course and scuttled for the edge of the melee, scrambling on all fours among the milling legs and stomping feet of her mad new comrades.
Shai swept in from the right flank a moment too late; Benny and Maya had Harry pinned to the sand beneath their staves and his blue pennant neatly tucked behind the wily ninja girl’s sash.
“Sorry auntie Shai…” Maya sassed, sounding not at all sorry, smiling widely at the sandy carnage all around her. “You lose this time… Hey, is that a boat?”
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Sarah Ward cut her rudder hard and dropped sail, as the lagoon hove into view around the rocky headland that sheltered the only good anchorage on Iron Wolf Island. Wild and abandoned, the jungle ran riot at the feet of the old volcano, engulfing the whole place in a tangle of green. No smoke or signs of sentient life appeared, as they rounded the natural breakwater, headed for shore and sweet, solid land beneath their feet and new trees to pee on.
A tall column of steam rising from the wasteland made little sense to the veteran sailor at the helm of Wanderlust. Even less reasonable, were the small cluster of vessels tied to a stone pier… And a gods damned, tile roofed inn, surrounded by a hamlet of smaller homes, a stable and some kind of heated pool.
Even stranger, a wild melee seemed to be going on, with armored warriors and a few animal familiars battling fiercely on the sand.
“To arms, kids! We have company!” She called to the youngsters in the galley.
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The hectic combat on the shore ended quickly, as the little ship slowly approached the protected harbor. Sarah rang the ship’s bell twice and slowly heeled her small vessel about in the wide lagoon, ready to sail off at need.
“Ahoy the shore…” She called, while the kids scrambled up from below decks.
“We mean to land here, friends…”
Her voice carried well over the calm waters, as the people ashore scrambled to get themselves organized. “I don’t recognize your flag…”
The largest ship moored to the stone pier bore a pennant scattered with stars like the night sky, adorned with an odd looping figure that seemed familiar. “Is that a… treble clef?” She asked, her sudden trepidation carried well over the twenty yards of water between the weird crew and her decks.
“Yes, it is… stranger, ‘tis the family banner of the Ward clan, a common house, but one not fer trifling with.” A ginger giantess shouted back across the wavelets.
“Since ye fly no flag of yer own, perhaps ye should state your intentions.”
The odd crew fell into position silently on the beach, their wooden and padded weapons dropped to the sand, as steel took their places with smooth and quiet efficiency.
Even the animals joined the line of armed folks confronting the shore, displaying a level of discipline under the huge hill-woman’s command that was just a little uncanny.
“This is yacht Wanderlust, I’m captain Sarah… we intend to moor, come ashore and eventually, I’ll be opening my trading post here… on my island.” She announced firmly.
“I don’t know how or why you’re here, but this island is private, forbidden and uninhabitable, because of the unbearable, unstoppable skeeters.”
“Daisybelle?” One of the men asked, when a little dark haired, green apple cheeked face peered over the railing at the group arrayed on the shore. “We know that green girl, mom.”
“Oh? Those dream boys are here! Gandree, get up here!” The goblin lass chittered and hopped in her excitement. “I see a horsie and a kitty! How many of you weirdos are there!?”
“Well… that’s just… Why don’t you folks moor up, so we can speak over a cup of tea?” The enormous woman mumbled, feeling deeply awkward and showing it. At her unspoken, subtle signal, all the weapons vanished away and the tension began to ease in the strange community by the shore.
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“It’s cool! We know those doggies!” Perry called out, as he charged across the beach, his spear vanishing away in a twinkle. The quiet, taciturn boy’s face was split by a huge grin, his eyes fixed on the eager wolfhounds at the bow.
The other three triplets swarmed the pier, following their brother, their hands held out to catch flung lines as the little boat joined those already moored on the long stone jetty.
Before the ropes were secured or any fenders down, all three hounds leapt to the dock and hurtled for the garden, desperate to unload on the lawn and trees.
Otho took a supervisory role for the procedure, as the true owner of all that stuff, despite what the cat might think.
Shiro maintained an aloof dignity with the interloping wargs, he also maintained his giant snow leopard form as well; reinforcing his personal space with a bottlebrush tail of warning and sharp claws for any unfamiliar nose that came sniffing too close.
“Oh… My Gob!” A fast flying green blur that might have been Daisybelle gasped, at her first glimpse of the big cat. “Floofy!”
“Daze! Wait! Don’t just…” Gandree called out to where his girlfriend had been just a heartbeat before…
“Lady Thirp, bless me with your patience and serenity…” He murmured softly, while watching her bottom and boobs bounce as she played on the lawn with a huge cat monster.
He smiled as he considered a sexy kitty cat cosplay nighty. “Something soft and pettable…” He murmured through a wide smile of his own.
She’d tackle-hugged the feline broadside and started an aggressive program of stroking and scritchy scratchy under the jaw action that quickly won kitty cat approval. Before too long, kitten Shiro was purring on her lap and batting at the tassels and braid of her uniform with playful little murs and mews of pleasure.
Sarah sucked her teeth in gently mocking amusement at the mess unfolding by the baths, as Gandree and Daisibelle got mixed up with even more young, chattering humans. That was happening, no force in nature could stop Daisybelle from trying to pet a fluffy animal, once she had it in her sights.
Sarah cast her eyes over the gathered grownups… They were an interesting lot, to say the least. The giantess wearing a chain mail vest and two curved swords at her hip seemed to share leadership with the small, spiky haired warrior in lion armor, while also deferring to a young couple that lingered at the edge of the group.
A small blonde woman and a giant ginger man had come tumbling out of the house at the sound of the ship’s bell, joining a red haired young man on the patio.
One man struck her as odd, by the way he seemed so commonplace and uninteresting, especially when contrasted with the eclectic collection of weirdos gathered on the beach.
Her experienced eyes noted the way the people stood and moved, how they held themselves and most of all, the subtle aura each emitted. All of them had the telltale essence of the unworldly and uncanny, at least a little… even the yearling colt gamboling with the wargs on the beach.
It took a bit of effort to set her eyes back on the big, brown haired, bland featured man lurking and skulking in the shadows, despite the bright sunshine. Her eyes almost slipped off him again, just a few seconds later.
“The Ward clan huh?” She murmured. “Daisybelle and her boytoy have heard of you, but I never have…” Sarah walked around and around the group of people on the beach, who were eyeing her with just as much interest. Finally she keyed in and locked her gaze firmly on that tall, brown haired, muscular man, standing beside the giantess. It still took some effort to keep her attention on him…
The small, compact, startlingly good looking man with spiky, black hair, lion armor and a jawline that could cut stone spoke up, while she was struggling with that weirdo’s slippery aura and odd nature.
“I am count Liam Kinnis, lord of Foresthome and an Adventurer in good standing with the guild. I lead this combined expedition, under charter from the Adventure guild, the Orphan’s League and duke Leopold Belen of the duchy of Wheatford…” He announced crisply, with a carefully calculated bow that was suitable for any number of occasions; Deep enough to address a lord or lady, but not so low as to be obsequious.
“Whom do I have the pleasure to address?”
“I’m Sarah, the dungeon lord of this domain.” She answered abstractedly, since she wasn’t really listening to him after he said ‘Count’.
Instead, she focused on the tall, strangely forgettable young man of perhaps twenty five years. She stared and gawped, peering at him with unconcealed interest. “And you… are a new Gary Ward… You feel strong, very complete.” She whispered at last, in a low sultry voice.
“I’m the Lovers… who are you?”
“Hey now, lass!” Shai began with fire in her eyes and icer in her voice, before sputtering out into confused and distracted noises. “How did ye know my lad’s name?” The big redhead demanded, once she had mastered the power of speech again.
“That’s my name, hill woman. I was Gary Ward long, long ago… I’ve been a lot of people since then, dozens over the last few centuries.” She sighed sadly.
“I can barely remember what it felt like, way back then, who I was then… When I awoke in this world as a tiny venomous octopus, my whole perspective had to change, in a hurry…” She sighed wistfully.
“It was a tough time… figuring out how to live this way. I admit, I kinda went goblin mode for a while.” She grinned sheepishly at the little green girl and her pack of wargs, over with the other familiars and beast handlers, mixing it up and sniffing things.
“No offense, Daze.”
“What? Nobody was listening to your boring boring stories…” Daisybelle sassed loudly, from somewhere deep within a pile of friends, pets and familiars.
“There’s bug girls, a horsie, a flower monster and a doggie over here!”
“Well, anyway… I’m Sarah now, but the others always know me as the Lovers; let’s leave it at that. More interesting by far is the matter of who you are.” She eyed the four identical lads jostling around, wrestling her niece’s wargs and laughing on the sand.
“Who all of you are.”
“Well, that’s easy…” The strange man grumbled. “I’m Gary Ward. I know a bunch of other people are as well… but I’m me, so I’m gonna need you to get over it.”
“Oh, yes…” Her smile was ingratiating and self assured, with a heavy undercurrent of confident superiority. “ Yes, you’re the chosen one, I’m sure. It’s always very disturbing and upsetting; bumbling into other members of the family for the first time.” She smiled just a little smugly and bowed to the group.
“Especially meeting one of the major arcana… such as myself.”
“Major arcana?” Gary asked, sounding just a little cranky. “Guys, can I have a few minutes with our guest, please?”
“Absolutely not!” Several voices sang in chorus. Shai, Becky, Liam and Ivy were all unified and adamant in their refusal.
“We’ll be by your side, no arguments.” Shai announced, a moment later. “The whole family will be hearing what this woman has to say.” She turned to the gleeful ruckus still unfolding on the beach and called out to the wrestling, tumbling mob.
“Family meeting, everyone inside.” She didn’t yell, or even raise her voice beyond a normal speaking tone. WIthout further comment or instruction, she turned and headed for the door to the inn.
The whole group of kids and familiars fell apart into its constituent beings and came ambling over, drawn by a magic older than any grimoire or spell, just pure, maternal command and authority.
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Under the cheerful red tile roof, the high ceilinged and brightly airy inn emitted an aura of tranquil welcome that eased Gandree’s brittle, taut nerves, the place felt like home to the uncomfortable dwarf. He sank onto a couch with Daisybelle on his lap, where she couldn’t cause any trouble and tried to become inconspicuous.
In a few brief minutes, the whole group was assembled in the common room, scattered in a loose circle around the table where Shai, Gary and the three newcomers sat with Becky and Liam, while Wilf poured the tea. Amy and Rio lingered with their teammates, while the four triplets gathered at a nearby table with Lindsey and Flash.
Dannyl and Kermal sat at the bar, snacking noisily on mixed nuts and salty crackers, watching with eager anticipation over mugs of Gary’s rather fine beer.
“I can’t wait to see how this turns out!” The ginger explorer whispered loudly enough to be audible all through the expectant and quiet room.
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Holy and benevolent Dana, Healer of Wounds and Balm in man’s Suffering sighed and relaxed back on her divan, blessedly at peace. The curse bond shackling her to a deeply afflicted avatar on the Madman’s Moon had vanished without warning, practically hurling her into her own realm, once more free of Pain, Misery and Suffering.
While her divine hand was once more whole, her dignity had been soiled by that filthy and despicable thing once again. “Caduceus… why has Baba Yaga not presented herself before me?” She demanded sharply of her first attendant.
“I tasked her with finding a way to break this mortal witchery, not with hiding until the wretched spell expired!”
“The hag has not been seen in some time, divine one. I fear she may have fled, rather than face her failure to resolve this.” He replied calmly, while a sly glimmer of a smile tweaked his lips.
“I have always doubted her sincerity and dedication, my lady. She loves her poisons and curses, while she deals in balms and salves only occasionally.”
Dana ignored his latest criticism of the crone, turning instead to Ermet, lady of Herbs and folk medicine. “Find the witch, I need her council, as my eldest disciple.” The sound of the divine physician’s teeth grinding together pleased the goddess in ways she didn’t really understand and felt a little Guilty for… that was a new concept as well.
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“So this Sarah chick is dead… and you’re a tiny octopus necromancer, piloting her body around from inside her skull?” Becky asked very calmly.
“That’s a real problem… ethically.”
“If it helps, she attacked me in my own home with a squad of zombies… and she worked for the cult of light.” The beautiful woman offered. “And she’s not exactly ‘dead’... I’m fully immersed in the vessel, operating her autonomic functions, so essentially, this is my body now. I ate most of her brain and implanted myself in her skull. Until I exit this woman, she’s alive and I’m her new brain.”
“That’s not as reassuring as you think it is.” Becky insisted. “We’re getting off track… You hinted that you’ve been around a while, could you clarify that? I think we need to know more, before we answer any questions.”
“King papa says that auntie Sarah is very wise, but she’s a lady now, so we shouldn’t ask her age!” Daisybelle offered from Gandree’s lap. “Cause that’s rude!”
“It’s fine, Daze.” Sarah cooed at the little green girl, smiling fondly. “Who’s just the cutest little stone cold killer?” She demanded sweetly.
“Oh! I know, it’s me! I am!” She bounced and cheered happily on the dwarf lad’s lap, which made him smile and blush awkwardly.
“That’s right, darling.” She sighed and turned back to Becky and the still silent duo of Gary and Shai; the count she ignored entirely, in very obvious ways.
“I’m well over five hundred years old at this point… I lost count for a while, so that’s my best guess. There are others; far older Gary Wards, out there among the worlds.” She sighed wistfully and smiled.
“I can’t leave this domain in a vessel. Only the truly living can pass through the void, so I could only travel the worlds in my own form, as a little octopus in a jar of seawater.”
“Huh… Ducky said he screwed around with time… I suppose that tracks.” Becky murmured quietly. “What do you think Gary? Is she on the level? Is she a fragment of you?”
“Yeah… She’s one of mine for sure.” He glanced over at Gandree and nodded grimly. “Him too.”
“Relax, boy.” Sarah sighed at him tiredly. “You aren’t the first Gary to come rocking out of the void, sure of himself and certain that he’s the original recipe.” She smiled a wry little grin at the lad and shook her golden haired head.
“The prime Gary died so long ago, even the Magician can’t see the first of us and the Chariot can’t find him, not after centuries of calling for his ghost.”
“Oh, wow… ok, I’ll play ball. You tell me what’s up.” The silly lad murmured through a mad, crooked smile. “Who am I?”
Sarah reached into her pocket and produced a small, black lacquered wooden box from her coat. With a dramatic flourish, she slid the top off and extracted a thick deck of cards.
“The Magician is better with the tarot, but he’s busy with the war right now, darlings. The cult of light is probably pretty desperate by now.” She mused softly, gazing at the beams of the ceiling… and beyond at the sky above.
“In any case, we’ll do Gandree’s reading first. He is also new to the family.”
“Me?” The burly dwarf asked in surprise and embarrassment.
“Yes, you. Look through this deck of cards, boy… let your eyes rest on the images and just feel what they mean.” She murmured warmly, as she passed him the deck of glossy, colorful cards.
“Become familiar with the symbols and pictures. When you’re done, shuffle them well.” She grinned at the gathered weirdos all around and nodded eagerly.
“The wise and ancient cephalopod wizard will divine your true natures!” She cackled at the crowded inn.
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