Sometimes, being around Bellamy is confusing. Sometimes, she lashes out at Ciel unexpectedly, shouting at him to leave her alone or to stop asking so many questions. Sometimes she goes to take a nap and returns with no recollection of what she’d done before that. There are notes scattered around the house, and drawings that look like they were drawn by children, and flowers pressed into scrapbook pages. She always wears thick makeup, saying she’s insecure about what her skin looks like without it.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Healing happens in stages, but pain doesn’t really go away. This is the biggest thing Ciel learned in treatment. During his marriage, there were several times when Maria contemplated divorce. He hates talking about this. Bellamy knows about the compulsive gambling that drove him into debt. Bellamy knows a lot about his past: but she assumes he’s divorced, and while this isn’t technically true, he hasn’t yet cleared things up.

Earlier this week, Bellamy told him about her dissociative disorder, and worried he’d leave her because of it. There’s a lot to understand about her. There’s a lot she doesn’t understand about herself.

It feels strange and unpleasant to stand in Calypso’s empty room. The purging was difficult and cathartic, and left him very tired. The hardest part of getting over grief is understanding that those who die stay with us, and getting rid of their remaining belongings will not get rid of them. It feels like it will. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t hold onto Calypso forever.

After leaving work, he drives to the address Bellamy texted him. It’s her older brother’s house. She spends a lot of time here. Her youngest brother is turning fifteen, and so everyone is here, and Ciel is expected to say hello and introduce himself. It’s been a while since he was nervous to meet a woman’s family. From what Bellamy says, Indy is protective, and doesn’t hide his distaste of people he doesn’t trust. He’s twenty nine years old and has a baby son. It’s been over two years since the accident. For a very long time afterwards, Ciel despised anyone whose children were near Calypso’s age.

“Hi, Ciel.”

Indy looks a lot like his sister. They have the same face shape, and the same nose. He’s not unfriendly, but doesn’t offer trust easily when it comes to his siblings’ partners. “Come in,” he says, and shuts the door behind them. Ciel removes his shoes; Indy shouts into the living room. “Guys! Bell’s boyfriend is here!” Most people would say discussing new relationships is important. It’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page, and all that. Bellamy says she needs to practice communicating, and wants to do it with him. She hugs him tightly, and he wonders if it’s really her.

All of Bellamy’s brothers look alike. With red hair and bright purple clothing, she stands out like a sore thumb. There’s a woman here with pink hair: darker than Ciel’s, who smiles at him when he enters the room. “Cool hair. Good choice of color. I’m Lexa, Luca’s girlfriend.”

Last night, Ciel stayed up very late on the Internet. At Bellamy’s suggestion, he spent hours researching all he could find about dissociative identities, and watching videos made specifically for educational purposes, and asking questions. She chats with her youngest brother, whose name Ciel can’t remember. Indy’s wife cooks something Japanese, juggling the baby on one hip as she does so.

Akari’s pregnant, Bellamy said the night before, I’m going to have a new niece!

“Come here, pal.” Indy sweeps the baby out of Akari’s arm, kissing his wife’s head before leaving the room. Ciel knows almost nothing about Bellamy’s brothers. He knows that Indy adopted her when she was a teenager, and not much else. He sits next to Ciel on the couch, holding the boy on his lap. “What do you do for a living, Ciel?”

This is always the first question people ask. When Ciel thinks about it, he realizes he doesn’t know what Indy does, either. “I’m a tattoo artist.” He has a tattoo gun at home, too. Once or twice, he gave Maria a tattoo while the baby was asleep. “I work at a shop near Fountainhead.”

Bellamy says Riku is a year old. He’s not very good at walking, and hobbles across the floor to her. She plays with him eagerly, watching Ciel and Indy make conversation. There have been a few times he wondered why Bellamy seemed so different. He wonders how often it isn’t really Bellamy at all. She brought up a discussion, earlier, of their relationship in terms of other parts of her. There are child parts. There are deeply traumatized parts. Bellamy said she needed to discuss with him exactly what this meant. Ciel’s birthday is a week from today. Bellamy insists on getting him a gift, even though he’s told her it’s not necessary. They’ve been dating for two months. She has bad trust issues, but says she trusts him more every day, which is not something to take for granted.

Over the course of the evening, he gets to know her brothers. Indy is mature and objective, and anxious about new people. Luca is playful and adventurous, but can be reckless and self-destructive due to a mood disorder. Asa is the most like Bellamy. He seems to cling to her: following closely behind when she walks, needing her opinion before making a decision. He’s just a kid. He’s younger than Aspen.

“I don’t know if your brother likes me much.”

After leaving Indy’s house, Ciel has plans with Bellamy. She’s asked him to come over and watch a movie, and he loves getting to know her. “You don’t really have to worry about Indy.” Bellamy has deep scratches on her arms. Ciel has never seen her without makeup. “It’s Nut you need to impress.”

“Who’s Nut?”

“One of our protectors.” Bellamy texts her brother a lot. It’s hard to understand the idea of multiple identities living inside her head. It’s overwhelming to think about having to form relationships with all of them individually. “If Nut doesn’t like you, I don’t think you’re going to have a good time.” Recently, Bellamy suggested Ciel come to therapy with her. This will help him understand her system better, and give him techniques to communicate more effectively. It’s nothing against him, she says. Most people find it very hard to have a relationship with her. In the weeks since they began dating, Bellamy has opened up a bit. She has a troubled past that Ciel knows little about, but she confides in him about her fears and triggers. Or at least, someone does. “Nut is social sometimes. I like to call him Onion Boy because he eats raw onions for snack.”

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

Ciel is supposed to respect and accept every part of Bellamy. This is something she says is very important. Even if they’re mean to you, she said, you have to be nice to them. They saved my life. They keep me safe. After unlocking her door and welcoming Ciel inside, Bellamy sits on a couch beside a small staircase. Everything is purple. He didn’t know where she lived until today. “Can I ask you something?”

Bellamy looks tired and timid. “What is it? I want to show you our notebook. It will help you understand things better.” Her face is in her hands, muffling her voice. When she looks at him, she says nothing for a moment.

“Fuck, why are we always dressed in purple?”

It isn’t Bellamy. Ciel isn’t quite sure who else it could be.

“You can stop looking at me like that. I’m not going to hurt you, you know.”

Bellamy doesn’t curse. She’s soft-spoken and timid, and whoever is speaking now is loud and forward. Ciel lights up a cigarette, rolling down his window. Some people hate the smell of cigarette smoke. Some people aren’t bothered at all. “Are you Nut?” It’s a strange name. Ciel wonders where it came from.

“Who are you?”

Bellamy has deep green eyes. Even though Ciel has seen them almost every day for the past two months, they look unfamiliar. “I’m Ciel.” Bellamy’s written about him, she said, in their shared notebook. She says this is the easiest way to communicate. “Nice to meet you.” It’s strange. He looks at Bellamy and talks to Bellamy, but it isn’t Bellamy. There’s so much he has left to learn.

Nut turns to pull a thick gray hoodie from between two couch cushions. “What are you doing here?”

When it comes to things like this, it’s hard to figure out which questions are appropriate to ask, and which aren’t. Bellamy says he can ask her anything. But when Bellamy is gone, is that still the case? “Can I ask you a question?” There’s a picture taped to the wall behind the couch. It’s a drawing of stick people, made in crayon, crinkled around the edges.

If someone comes out to talk to you, don’t ask to talk to someone else. My ex used to trigger parts out on purpose, just because he thought it was fun.

Ciel doesn’t know how long to expect to stay. Bellamy never gave him a timeline, and now she’s gone somewhere, and may not be back tonight. His relationship with her will be different, she said. It will be like being in a relationship with multiple people at once. He’s never done this before. He’s not sure he can. “Do you usually hide it from people?”

Nut has better posture than Bellamy. He sits up straight, but folds his arms over his chest during conversation. “That’s the whole point. If we don’t want you to know, you’ll never fucking know.” Nut doesn’t trust him. He speaks a bit aggressively. Building a relationship with one person is hard enough. It’s possible Nut sees him as a threat: another outsider coming in to abuse and hurt their body. Maybe this is all he’s come to expect from people.

“Can I see your notebook? Is that okay?”

Something Ciel read while doing research was that different parts can have different opinions, and respecting all of their boundaries as a whole can be exhausting. It’s probably more exhausting to exist inside a system than outside of it. Nut frowns. “Some of us don’t want to be known.” He stands, sauntering off to the kitchen, standing in front of the fridge.

Ciel isn’t as perceptive as he could be. Juno was so good at noticing things other people didn’t. Before she got sick, she’d remember things about people from years ago, things that no one else even remembered anymore. He often wondered what sorts of things she remembered about him.

“Do you want to draw a picture with me?”

Bellamy’s bed is covered with stuffed animals and art supplies. The house is very small. Despite this, it’s organized well, and doesn’t look crowded. There’s a single bedroom on a loft above the kitchen, and a ladder leading up to it. There’s someone else using the body now. At least, Ciel thinks there is. They’re smiling at him, a sweet smile that reminds him of Calypso. “What’s your name?” Over time, Ciel might learn to tell people apart by how they act and speak. Bellamy says differences could be subtle, or they could be obvious. She says if he doesn’t learn to pay attention, he could end up in some unpleasant situations.

He knows the names of very few system members. He’s taken in so much new information at once that he can’t quite seem to turn his brain off. “My name is Elara!” She seems to be a child: speaking in a sing-song voice, holding a stuffed dog. Even the way she stands seems childlike. “What’s your name?”

Elara sits next to him on the couch, holding her stuffed dog on her lap, looking at him brightly. “My name is Ciel. Do you like to draw?” He’s not sure how he feels about kids. He loved Calypso. He wouldn’t mind if Elara stayed around for a bit.

She has the sweetest smile. There are crayons scattered across the table. “I love drawing! But I usually draw by myself, because I’m not really supposed to have friends.” This is something Ciel has never thought about. She stares into space for a moment, putting her face in her hands.“I’m not supposed to talk to strangers,” says Elara, sheepishly.

They draw: scattering the table with crayons and construction paper. It reminds him of drawing with Calypso. Elara talks a lot. Ciel needs to get himself a notebook, too. There’s so much to remember. He doesn’t know how long they draw. It’s been a while since he’s been out past sunset. He’s getting too old to stay out late.

“I drew you a picture.”

He isn’t sure if he’ll ever have a child again. Some people deserve a second chance. Ciel doesn’t believe he’s one of these people.

“You did?”

The crayon-scribbled little girl looks like his daughter. The thing about most children is they trust too easily. Elara stares at him, clutching a stuffed animal in her hands, looking kind of sad. “Are you going to leave us?”

Most people can choose who to date. If Ciel chooses Bellamy, he chooses every part that comes with her, and this is an overwhelming thought to come to terms with. “Why would I leave?”

It’s about to rain. Every hour, a clock in the living room chimes quietly.

Alter is short for altered state of consciousness. Most children complete the development of their personality by the time they’re nine years old. Sometimes, a personality is unable to integrate, leaving different states of consciousness and memory. Ciel wants to be accepting, understanding. He wants everybody to feel safe around him, and maybe this is too tall of an ask.

“Everyone leaves us.”

When thunder cracks, Elara covers her ears. It rains heavily, leaving streaks down the window. He’s not sure what to expect. When it comes to Bellamy, nothing is too much.