Next month, Sage turns seventeen. It's intimidating to think about the future, and about graduation. All anyone ever talks about in high school is choosing a career, something you're supposed to spend the rest of your life doing, and this is overwhelming. Sage wants to be a musician - and although they like making music, they aren't exactly someone worth listening to. Sage doesn't stutter when they sing. This is part of the reason they like it so much.
In Wicca, Imbolc is a festival which marks the beginning of spring, and falls around the first of February. Brigid, a Celtic goddess of fertility and war, is honored on Imbolc, because she symbolizes spring: a time of rebirth and fertility, and the awakening of nature after a long winter. After getting home from school, Sage helps their parents put together an Imbolc altar with spring things like citrine and amber crystals, sheep figurines, snowdrops, incense, and spring candles. Later, they meet with the coven, which is headed by Amani, the High Priest, and Eleanor, the High Priestess. Sage has no interest in starting their own coven. Rio aspires to become a High Priest, and lead a coven of his own someday.
"Lord and Lady," says Amani, holding his hands, palms down, over a pot of ghungi, "watch over us, and bless us as we eat. Bless this food, this bounty of earth, we thank you. So mote it be!" Since childhood, Amani has said mealtime prayers. As a child, Sage was never persuaded to participate; their parents prayed silently, and never involved the children unless they showed interest. Some days, when Rio can't make it home for a holiday, he participates in rituals via video calls and text messages.
Sage's parents take turns cooking. Usually, it's something ethnic and flavorful, which Sage loves, but gets teased for at school. Rio, who learns quickly, memorized several of his fathers' dishes before moving out. Sage tries to be helpful in the kitchen, but gets flustered too easily.
"I miss Cassia."
The girl was four years old, and just becoming interested in the traditions and customs of her parents. Cassia loved Rio, and used to follow him around everywhere, determined to grow up to be just like him. The day of her death, he shouted at her, frustrated by her lingering and questions. There's so much about a
person's psyche that nobody ever knows about. In the weeks and months immediately afterwards, Sage's relationship with their brother struggled. They were eight years old when the family moved out of Florida. They haven't had a friend since.
Sage gets bullied a lot at school. Because of this, it's often hard to leave the house in the morning. Despite many long talks with their father, it sometimes feels like things will never improve.
Two days ago, Sage got a black kitten, and it follows them everywhere. Sage named the kitten Heka. Animals make things better after a particularly hard day, and they never judge. Heka doesn't care what gender Sage is, or whether they speak well, or how many friends they have. It's a shame that people can't be the same way. Humans have a lot to learn from animals, but most people think they're smarter and more important, just because they were born on top of the food chain. Every Yule, Amani and Surya provide a holiday tree from a farm out in the countryside. They always make certain to communicate with the tree, though this sounds stupid to others. Amani says the trees and the grass and the leaves have spirits, and deserve to be respected in the same way as people.
When Sage is out walking, or minding their own business in a public place, people approach them out of nowhere. "Is that your real hair?" asks a femme-presenting person at the grocery store, almost every time. "Can I touch it?"
"Well," Rio will say, shrugging, "I guess it's a bonus that they asked for permission this time."
Sage has never written a love song. Most people their age want to date and have sex and act like adults. It's embarrassing to admit that Sage has no interest in any of this, and it's confusing to try and figure out why. Sage isn't adopted, despite what most people assume. Nobody really knows how to treat their father. Strangers want to be degrading by shouting transphobic slurs, while calling him things like faggot at the same time. Sage didn't always know that they were genderless. For a long time, society forced them into choosing a side: girl or boy, as if that's all a person can be.
When Rio and Sage were born, their parents refused to raise them according to their sex. This was Surya's idea, but Sage admires it. Babies are always given a gender at birth based on the parts they have, and Sage never really understood this.
According to their parents, the children were raised without any indication of gender at all, labeled as gender neutral until old enough to decide for themselves. If one day Sage decided they were a boy or a girl, their parents would have no problem adjusting. It's kind of pointless, anyway, to have labels. Sage is just Sage, and doesn't feel satisfied with labels.
All of Amani and Surya's children were born at home. They've known for years that they'll never become grandparents, and aren't bothered by it. For some reason, it's a big deal to a lot of people whether strangers plan on having children. Some parents pressure their children into having children, wanting their DNA or name to live on. Rio says the world is overpopulated as it is.
"Acchan, I have a problem."
Surya works steady hours, at places like hospitals and clinics. While Amani speaks to clients in his home office, Sage sits with Surya in the living room. They learned from childhood to be emotionally vulnerable, which is something a lot of people their age don't seem very good at. Like any teenager, Sage's parents get on their nerves, and sometimes don't understand teenage problems.
Sage's parents are nearing their fifties, which Sage thinks is a little old. Surya touches the family photo on the wall before sitting next to them on the couch. "What's on your mind?"
Surya, who has lived in America for more than twenty years, still has quite a noticeable accent. Sage has seen people wrinkle their nose when he speaks, claiming they don't understand, and telling him to speak English. Everyone seems to think he speaks Indian and practices Hinduism, and he always gets more than a few looks from store employees when Sage shops with him. As a biracial person, Sage is told often that it's not possible to be more than one thing: and this is confusing.
Wait, you're black? I thought you were Indian.
Can't I be both?
"How are you always so nice to people that stereotype you?" Sage will ask, knowing that some people don't deserve compassion. "They're so mean to you. Why don't you ever get angry?"
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Sage's parents don't talk about their traumas with their children. They hug them when asked, and often tell them that they're loved. When Sage was younger,
their parents read bedtime stories every night, and held their hand on the way to school. They weren't always like this. After Cassia died, Sage's parents became much more closed off emotionally, and much more protective. If Sage didn't know any better, they would think their parents have never had any traumas at all. It's important to be kind to everyone you meet, because you never know what the lives of others are like, and it's usually the most unpleasant people who need the most kindness. Rio gets tired of their parents' positivity phrases. Sage finds it extraordinarily difficult to be nice to people who purposely make life miserable.
Surya is a kind man who doesn't take well to his loved ones being mistreated. He sits with his legs crossed on the couch, wearing the pentagram necklace he always wears. "Getting angry doesn't solve anything. I could argue back and make them more on edge, or I could just let it go and get on with my day."
Most people aren't obligated to educate someone else. People can ask personal questions that have nothing to do with them, but they're not entitled to an answer.
When friends visit the cabin, they're always surprised by the hospitality of Sage's parents. They don't consider themselves "Southern", despite being from one of the most Southernmost places in the United States. Sage always wondered why their parents chose Alaska, instead of somewhere a little closer to home. According to Amani, it seemed like the best idea to get as far away from home as possible. "Do you think it's weird that I've never had a crush on someone?" Sage has dated before. This was mostly out of obligation and curiosity; every other teenager dates, and Sage feels left out. The thing is: they've never loved a person any differently than they would love a brother or a friend. People say there's all different kinds of love. Sage's friends have explained what it feels like to fall in love, and to have a broken heart. These feelings sound foreign and unenticing.
Surya is a better communicator than his children, but not his husband. He's a transgender man who accompanies his children to pride parades every summer, and who attends rallies and protests when he isn't at work. When Sage was an infant, Surya opened his own gynecology clinic specifically for transgender and non-binary patients, who sometimes now even come from Canada. Sage wants to be like their father. Every kid thinks their parents are perfect. When Sage was a child, they thought this too.
"Not at all."
Sage looks like Surya. It shouldn't be as difficult as it is to explain to people that sometimes, kids have two dads. Sage gets asked a lot who their mother is, and which man is their real father. It's common for a stranger, upon finding out that Surya gave birth to his own children, to disregard his identity and insist that, if he's able to give birth, he must be Sage's mother. Sage doesn't have a mother. "There's more to life than having crushes. Some people have lots of crushes throughout their life, and some people have none."
Sage feels out of place in more ways than one. Life was so much easier as a kid. "I'm the only kid at school who's never been in love. Everyone thinks I'm broken." Maybe they are. Maybe Sage should be in a relationship just to be like everyone else. They're perfectly content with their musical instruments and friends. If Amani was here, he'd probably say not to speak in generalizations. Sage isn't supposed to say things like everybody and nobody. Sometimes, that's really what it feels like.
Sage's grandfather is a widower, and a practicing Hindu. He's elderly and stuck in his ways, having lived more than fifty years in Kerala. It's cause for tension sometimes, between Surya and his father, in regards to their differing beliefs. The only temple in the state is in Anchorage, which is too long of a drive for Sage's grandfather to travel, as he's losing his vision. Sage feels bad sometimes; their grandfather is in his eighties, and deserves to practice his religion freely, like the rest of the family. Though Surya sometimes drives his father to the city on his days off, Sage knows he longs for more opportunities to meet with fellow members of the temple.
Surya has a head of thick hair, and so does his father. Sage knows little about the other side of the family, as Amani rarely speaks of his parents, and Sage has never been to Cameroon. "There's nothing wrong with you, Sage." When he isn't at work, Surya does things like tidy the cabin and accompany Sage on outings. "Do you know what it means to be aromantic?"
There are so many types of orientations. Sage only recently learned the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction, and this was due to a classmate explaining it. It's hard not to feel like they're missing out, with their disinterest in sex and romance, things that are very important to most people. "No." Like most people their age, Sage learned about sex from classmates and television. It's uncomfortable to talk about with parents, although Sage's would have been happily forthcoming.
Like most things, there's a spectrum to asexuality. Some asexuals feel attraction very rarely, and others don't experience it at all. Sage isn't repulsed by sex, but they're not excited about it either. If they loved someone who asked them to have sex, Sage would probably do it. But that will never happen, because Sage doesn't love anybody as anything more than a friend or family member. It took a while to come to terms with this side of Sage's identity. Time, and a lot of questions. Rio was always there to answer. Sometimes, identities change. Sometimes, we discover a part of ourselves we never knew existed, and explore them. People can be so hateful to those who are just trying to figure themselves out. Sage has been told by many people that once they meet the right person, their asexuality will be cured. It's as if Sage is broken or confused, and much of the time, it feels as though this is true.
"Acchan," says Sage, struggling to get words out. "When did you realize you were trans? Did you start your transition in India?" Sage doesn't know much about their father's life before he had children. Surya moved to the United States in the year 1991, when he was twenty one. As kids, we don't really care about the lives of our parents. As Sage gets older, they become more interested in knowing about their parents' lives and struggles before having children. Surya and Amani met in 1996, at a beach in Miami, and married in 2005, when same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts. Aside from this, Sage knows little about their relationship.
Genetics work in strange ways. Sage has Surya's complexion, but has the same curly hair that Amani had before shaving his head. Sage has come to love their afro, even if it's been the cause of stress and bullying in the past. Rio once said if people are going to bully you anyway, you might as well give them something to talk about. It doesn't mean the same coming from him. Rio has curly hair too, but it's long and thick. He often puts it in cornrows or braids, wearing lungi to go out and do everyday tasks, and people get confused. He doesn't look like Sage. When people see Sage and Rio together, they ask questions.
"Well, I came out when I was nineteen." Surya was always a man, even when he was living as a woman. The frustrating thing about society is that it expects to know what parts a complete stranger has, so that it knows which gender stereotypes to place you under, and how to treat you. It's kind of funny to confuse people who can't tell how Sage was assigned at birth. "I was unable to transition safely in Kerala, so I came to America."
"Why did you choose Florida?"
Surya has to leave soon. Sage's grandfather, who's impatient, plans on visiting Anchorage today. Surya doesn't always enjoy traveling with his father, but he has a responsibility. The man checks the clock. His husband opens the door of his office, letting out the client he's just finished with. According to community reviews, Amani is a brilliant psychiatrist. He has many clients within the area, and some as far as forty miles out.
Surya smiles at his husband, who comes to sit with him after his client leaves. "I enjoyed the opportunities it gave me for a career and to be myself." Sage's parents love each other. They aren't particularly affectionate in front of the children. It'd be nice to have the capacity to fall in love, but there's more to life than romance. At least, Sage will never have a broken heart, and nothing will distract them from following their dreams.