Early in the morning, the screen of Doutzen’s laptop flashes as the call connects. Her mother sleeps soundly in their hotel room, which isn’t nearly as nice as Doutzen had hoped it would be. She sits on the toilet, so as not to disturb her mother, as Marit finds it difficult to sleep in places away from home. Since arriving, she’s phoned home every night to speak to Doutzen’s father before bed. It’s guilt-inducing. Marit would walk through fire for her children.
Saakje is a brunette woman with large glasses. It’s Doutzen’s first time speaking to her after the brief conversation they've had online. It feels like something to be ashamed of: reaching out to family in the middle of the night, without her mother’s knowledge. Saakje is a busy woman. She has little time to speak.
“Good morning, Doutzen. My name is Saskia. I think I have some information about your biological family that you’d be interested in.”
She’s a formal woman, and speaks very clearly. Doutzen worries her mother will hear her. Saakje sits in an office; she works from home. “I think so too.” It’s weird that a stranger can know so much about Doutzen. It’s weird that a stranger can know more about her than she knows about herself. “Do you know my biological mother?”
Since arriving in Alaska, Doutzen has tried to get in contact with her brother. Anyone should be excited to meet relatives they didn’t know existed. Doutzen knows nothing about her brother, except that she has one. Saskia nods. “My sister, Lina.”
It’s rather strange to discover a whole life you didn’t know about. It’s weird to think of people as three-dimensional, complex beings with their own lives and histories, rather than just side characters in your own life. “Why did she give me up?” Doutzen has so many questions, and sometimes they all come tumbling out at once. Her mother often says she needs to take a breath and pace herself. There’s only a certain amount of time to get things done. “She didn’t want me?”
Finding biological family members means learning things about people that aren’t pleasant to know. No one abandons a baby because they want to. No one has ever reached out to Doutzen about her parentage. Saskia has her mouth pursed tightly, looking rather pained. Doutzen’s biological parents might be horribly immoral people. “Of course she wanted you.” It’s quiet. There’s no way of knowing why other people do the things they do. “You have to understand something about my sister.” There’s a clock on the wall behind Saakje. The time difference between them is much less extreme here. “She wasn’t right in the head. She thought abandonment was the only way to keep you safe.”
Doutzen blinks. “Safe from what?”
Saakje sighs. “From Lina.”
Doutzen doesn’t have mental health issues. She wonders about her father. It takes a moment for Saakje’s words to make sense. There’s static in Doutzen’s head: words which swim back and forth, buzzing together into loudness. It’s hard to explain what it feels like when her head gets noisy. “Is my biological father’s name Pim? Why didn’t he raise me?”
There’s something intimidating about learning everything at once. Doutzen has known about her adoption for a while. There’s always new information that pops up unexpectedly. Saakje checks the time, responding to Doutzen distractedly. “Pim never knew about you. Nobody knew Lina was pregnant, aside from me.” Saakje is a forthcoming woman, which Doutzen appreciates. There’s a question she can’t bear to ask. Some things are better left unknown. “I’m almost out of time. Is there anything else you’d like to know today?”
Doutzen can’t tell if Saakje is fed up with her. She’s stoic and straightforward, but not unfriendly. Doutzen is cold and tired, and pulls her laptop higher up on her lap. “Does Lina have any other kids?”
“No.” Saakje shakes her head. “Just you.”
Marit enjoys sleeping in. Doutzen’s plan for the day is to meet up with Aspen, and to get to know the city a little. She arrived half a week ago, and has had barely any chance to see it. She’s tried to get in contact with Ivo, but he doesn’t use social media, and he has no cell phone. This is very strange for a teenager. Aspen speaks about him sometimes, and it’s never very fondly. “It’s probably good you’re adopted,” she said once, “If you were raised with Ivo, you’d probably be a trash human too.” It’s interesting how two people, raised in the same environment, experiencing the same exact things, can grow up to be so different. Maybe it’s not that interesting. Even if identical twins spent their whole lives together, they still wouldn’t be exactly the same.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
Doutzen doesn’t know Ivo’s school schedule, but she knows he goes to school. It works differently in America. A few blocks from her hotel, there’s a public bus stop. Last night, when her mother was asleep, Doutzen researched the bus fares in Fairbanks, knowing her mother would be unwilling to drive her around. After arriving in the country, Doutzen converted all her bank notes into American money, and now she’s got more than she used to. It’s a dollar fifty to ride the bus, and three dollars for a day pass. It’s six thirty in the morning. If she spends all day killing time at the university, she’s bound to find her brother.
“Good morning,” she says to the bus driver, and takes a seat at the back.
It’s strange spending so much time in a foreign country. Doutzen speaks too little English to hold a conversation, and can’t read most of the words she sees. Maybe it would have been smart to study a bit before traveling. Every time Doutzen uses public transportation, she listens to her favorite music. Two years ago, Doutzen went to her first concert. Music is about the rhythm. Doutzen can enjoy just about anything with a good beat.
University of Fairbanks is much larger than Doutzen’s school. This early in the day, there aren’t many people in the hallways. She has a text from her mother. Marit never worries when Doutzen goes out alone. Finding a seat at a table in a hallway, Doutzen opens the novel she’s brought along.
Her biological father doesn’t know of her existence. She wonders what he’s like, and feels a little like she missed out on knowing him. There’s nothing to complain about. Doutzen is blessed with loving parents, and a generally good life. Sometimes, she can’t help but wonder how her life could have been different. It can’t be that hard to find Ivo. From what Doutzen has heard, he looks like his father, and he keeps to himself.
When the building gets busy, Doutzen speaks to strangers using a translation app. There’s so much she wishes to know. University students are loud and rowdy. Most haven’t heard of Ivo. Some tell Doutzen to stop wasting her time.
In childhood, Doutzen pretended to be the twin sister of her cousin, Roos, with whom she’s close in age. The girls used to look quite similar, and they lived near one another. Marit’s mother, who played along, bought the girls matching outfits for every holiday, and put their hair in braids on days they spent together. Roos is two years older. Doutzen always wanted to be like her. Years ago, Roos had a brief dream of being an actress, and insisted she’d move to London someday to attend school. Doutzen, who couldn’t bear to be so far away from Roos, insisted on coming along. This never happened. Children have silly, unrealistic ideas of life.
Every school has its popular kids: even universities. Doutzen was never one of these kids. Well into the afternoon, a large group of students talks loudly outside a gymnasium, causing a disruption. They’re a team of some sort: all wearing blue and yellow jerseys, some lugging large duffel bags. They’re loud. The loudest of all is a man with braided hair, who can be heard from across the hallway. Athletes are popular. Popular people tend to know even the most introverted students. Doutzen was never very introverted. She likes her alone time, but also loves going out and spending time with friends.
Shutting her book, she stands to follow the sports team down the hallway. There’s about twenty of them. “Hello!”She can be loud when she wants to. Her mother always says she needs to work on her volume control. Several of the guys turn, while most don’t acknowledge Doutzen. She isn’t discouraged by this. “I’m looking for my brother, Ivo!” It’s likely that none of them can even understand her. She wears a backpack over one shoulder, following closely behind the athletes, who all seem to be in a hurry. She’s spoken to many people today, and nobody understood her without a translation.
It’s pretty easy to tell whether or not someone is friendly. While most of the boys keep walking, a couple stop to acknowledge Doutzen. A brown-haired boy near the back of the pack says something she can’t quite understand, and then waits while she types, finding this easier than trying to communicate verbally.“My name is Doutzen. I’m adopted, and I just found out that I have biological family living here in Alaska. Do any of you know a boy named Ivo?” She doesn’t know his last name. He’s hard to find. He might not even know she exists. She thrusts her phone out, dropping it in the hand of the brown-haired boy. The guys look at one another. The man with braids shakes his head, saying nothing to Doutzen. When he places her phone back in her hand, there’s a shock in her fingers.