It's exceptionally hard to market yourself. This is something Sage learned the hard way, after uploading some of their music onto social media without the help of an agent. The internet is filled with so many people trying to get recognized that it feels like a huge reality show: a competition to be the best. Maybe that's sort of what it is. Sage's music is good, but there are a lot of people who are better. It's life, of course. You can't be the best at everything.
Sage always blesses their food before eating it. Their parents and Rio do this too.
For Alaska, today isn't very cold. Sage is bundled in their warmest coat and a pair of mittens, but they're always cold. "Okay, I'm going to show you the new song I wrote, but you have to tell me if it sucks."
Sage met Aspen on social media, after she messaged them about a song they recorded. They're around the same age and enjoy the company of one another. Aspen knows Sage's assigned sex. Nobody outside of their family knows this, but they trust her not to tell. "I'm sure it won't. You're good at writing songs." They stand in the foyer of Rio's university; he and Sage had plans, and Aspen was invited to come along. She hasn't met Sage's family, and Sage hasn't met hers - but they talk almost every day about many different things. Aspen confides in Sage about her post-traumatic stress and her struggles at school. Sage tells Aspen about their music and insecurities.
Sage's mandolin is an arch-top. They strum with a personalized plectrum designed for them by Rio. Sage is nervous, strumming and singing quietly, the oversized sleeves of their sweatshirt covering their fingers.
Sage doesn't go to school, and only works part time. Today, they drove more than five hours to pick up Aspen from school, and this was frightening due to never having met her in person before. Tonight, Sage is staying with Rio. He always stays up late. Sage doesn't know their way around the university. They can't go a day without oversized sweaters.
"What are you doing with your brother?"
Aspen is a lot shorter than Sage. She has an older brother too, who she lives with. Sage doesn’t know much about him. “I just haven’t seen him in a while, and I got my license.” Aspen knows about their stutter, but it’s different in person. No one ever knows what to expect. “He said he’s going to the hospital later.” Rio has had the same boyfriend for almost eight months. This may very well be the single most impressive thing he’s ever done. Sage has heard of the boy, but never met him. Rio says he’s not all that pleasant for most people to be around. It wasn’t all that surprising. He’s always obsessing over people who don’t like him.
Aspen is very feminine, and wears a lot of makeup. Though she's more than a year younger than Sage, she acts like an older sibling. "Oh yeah, you said something about that. What happened, anyway? Something about his boyfriend?" Aspen's straight. She tries to be open-minded, but makes Sage feel judged sometimes.
It's a very large university. Sage steps outside, crosses campus to the community buildings. "He got hit by a car and almost died." It's loud, messy: clothing and food waste strewn all over the floor. Sage kicks over a pile of garbage with their foot. "It's always a disaster in here." They pass a lot of men, roughhousing or playing video games. From what Sage knows about Aspen, she likes getting to know strangers.
Aspen follows them through the long hallway. "How many people even live here?"
“I dunno.” Sage weaves through a crowd of people, nearly being knocked over by a rambunctious man. “Like fifty. There are parties every weekend, but you’re not allowed alcohol.” They bang on a door at the end of the hallway, across from another room that looks exactly the same. Then they walk inside the room, and frown. “Have you ever considered cleaning your room?”
It's packed in here, disorganized, random things strewn everywhere. Compared to this, the family home is spotless. “Jesus,” says Rio, wearing a braid, “you sound like my boyfriend. Hi, Nerd.” He grins, tossing aside the jersey in his hands before tousling Sage's hair. He knows they’ve always hated that. He’s been calling them names since childhood, and shouting at classmates who do the same. He has more piercings now, and longer hair. Sometimes, Sage is convinced he’ll never cut it. “How was your first solo road trip?”
Aspen watches with a sort of puzzled look on her face. “Kind of scary, but I made it.” It’s fortunate that it hasn’t snowed yet. If the roads weren’t clear, Sage wouldn’t have come. “I brought my friend, Aspen.”
Internet friends aren’t real friends, said a classmate in high school, who used to taunt them regularly. You don’t even know them. They could be some old, fat guy pretending to be a teenager. This is what Sage's parents used to tell them, too. Nobody struggles to make friends in person, except Sage. Before meeting up with Aspen, they video called briefly to confirm identities. She’s staring at Rio, like everyone does. Sage can’t be friends with girls without them crushing on him.
“I know you.”
Rio is too friendly. Everybody always thinks he’s flirting with them. “Do you?” He meets a lot of people, and isn’t good with names. Unless you make a remarkable impression on him, it’s likely he won’t recognize you from anyone else in a crowd.
There are too many people here. Sage tugs their sweater sleeves down over their hands. Aspen shakes her head furiously. “I’ve seen you at my house, in the backyard. You picked up my cousin.” She frowns, removing her large backpack, dropping it on the floor. “Didn’t you? Was it someone else?”
Sage realizes they don’t know the name of any of Aspen’s family. “Who’s your cousin? You never told me their name.” It’s a big city. The chance of Sage unknowingly befriending a relative of their brother’s partner is probably slim. It’s strange that this is something they haven’t spoken about.
Aspen shrugs. “Ivo.”
Rio’s fraternity house is called Phi Delta Gamma. His room is large and overcrowded with things he doesn’t even use, but won’t get rid of. Sage has no idea why people like him so much; he’s an idiot, and he thinks he’s cool. Sage knows Rio’s friends ask about their identity. Everyone has an opinion. It’s difficult for most people to wrap their heads around the idea of a person without a gender. Everything in society is made up: virginity, gender, culture, fashion, words, names, roles. For Sage, it’s become pretty much common knowledge that people only want labels to make themselves feel comfortable, even if it has nothing to do with them. Most people feel like a boy, or a girl, or a combination of both – but it’s not like that for Sage. They’re not a boy, or a girl, or even both at different times. They’re just a person.
There are posters on the walls containing athletes: ripped men with no shirts and women in leggings with big asses. Society is obsessed with sex. Everything revolves around it, even something as arbitrary as the color of a woman’s lipstick. But what if you don’t like sex, or you put up with it only out of obligation? What if, like Sage, you’ve never had a moment of sexual attraction in your life? It feels so invalidating, sometimes, like the whole of Sage's identity is being erased, and they know that sounds silly. Guys like Rio, who workout avidly and sleep with anything that moves, they’re the cool ones. Sometimes Sage wonders about everybody else.
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“Sage,” says Rio, looking at something on his phone, “How come you never told me your new best friend was Ivo’s cousin?”
Aspen paces. Sage shrugs. “I guess we just didn’t talk about our families.”
“Where are you from?” People will stop to ask Rio this, while he and Sage are out minding their own business. “You speak English so well. You must have lived here a while.”
Every time he receives questions like this, Rio just smiles. “I’m from Florida.” He’s gracious. He sounds like every other man from Miami. Sage isn’t bilingual. Most people assume they are. Aspen knows little about their faith, as it’s mandatory to get the permission of a High Priest or Priestess before sharing any information with outsiders about a coven.
Aspen hasn’t heard what happened. Apparently, Ivo doesn’t keep in touch with family when he isn’t home. On the way to the hospital, Rio fills her in.
Hospitals are nothing like they seem in movies. They’re eerie, and they smell too clean. Sage is lucky to be healthy, and to have spent all of their life avoiding long-term hospital stays. It’s easy to tell when Aspen’s upset. Everything she feels appears on her face. Despite her short stature, she catches up to Rio easily in the hospital corridor, and keeps in step with him.
“How long has he been here? I never heard.”
Sage doesn’t know how she would have. It’s only been a couple days. It’s cold. Hospitals are always cold.
“Honestly,” says Sage, as they sit at a table outside the hospital café, “How have we been talking all this time, and I never knew your cousin is dating my brother?” Sage knows about Aspen’s abusive ex-boyfriend, and her older sister, and her struggle to make friends - and, although the girl speaks about her family sometimes, she never mentioned names.
Aspen’s family doesn’t seem to check in when she’s away. She says they don’t really care about her. “I guess your brother’s the only one in the entire world who can stand to be around him. Ivo hates everyone.”
Aspen wants to visit. Sage is startled by the sudden footsteps of a nurse going by. “I mean, I like Rio and all, but he’s not exactly the commitment type. He’s never dated anybody more than three months, and even that is pushing it.” Sage looks up, placing the café sandwich back onto its wrapper. “Do you ever feel like everyone else has their lives figured out except for you?”
Who doesn’t? Even as a teen, it’s an overwhelming feeling. “Yeah. Like, every day.” You’re supposed to have everything figured out, to know exactly what you want to do with your life by the time you graduate high school. You’re supposed to love what you do, but also get a job that pays enough money, and still have time for yourself outside of work. It seems impossible. It seems like everyone has their lives figured out except for Sage.
Upstairs in Ivo’s hospital room, he’s propped up underneath many blankets. He has eyes that always look sad and tired. Sage feels out of place.
Sage's fan base has grown since they began uploading music. Some people are rude, and track down their account just to leave hateful comments or to insult them for their identity. This bothers Sage. It isn’t important, what these types of people say, but Sage hates being disliked. They imagine most people do. But Amani says to block the posters, and to try and forget about them. All that’s important, he likes to say, is the people who love you.
Ivo didn’t break his neck, despite it seeming this way at first. Rio says he wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t feel his limbs, or complains of burning and pain spreading through his hands and feet. Sage has never been a patient in a hospital. Rio looks at Ivo in a way he’s never looked at anyone else.
After leaving the hospital, Aspen gets dropped off at her brother’s house, where she promises to hang out with Sage again before they return home. Rio stops at a liquor store before returning to the university living units. Sage isn’t particularly fond of the taste of beer. They want to drink it, and to bond with their brother; he’s never around anymore. Maybe, they’ll get used to the taste eventually. “Want to go play GameCube?” There’s a console in Rio’s dorm, which he brought with him from the cabin when he moved out. When he lived at home, Sage played with him every weekend.
Their favorite game to play together was always Legend of Zelda, though Sage was never very good at it. Still, they much prefer games like this to shooting or huge multiplayer games. Where Rio is competitive and aggressive, Sage is not. Nearly as tall as him, they’re finished growing now, and stand at five foot ten, the shortest in their family. “Have you been spending a lot of time at the hospital?” Sage asks, kicking open the door with their foot, taking a beer from the mini fridge by the bed.
Rio has been growing his hair for eight years. When it’s loose, it reaches almost the bottom of his ribs. “Yep. I practically live there now.” He sighs, picking up a controller and sitting against the wall. At home, Sage has several pieces of their brother’s clothing, stuff he didn’t want anymore. They used to argue a lot, and it got on their fathers’ nerves.
There’s a party tonight. If Sage hadn’t come to visit, Rio would probably be at it. “Why?” They have a text from their father, checking in. He does this a lot. “Why do you like Ivo so much, anyway? You would usually have gotten bored months ago.”
Sometimes, Sage wonders if their brother will get offended at being reminded how much of a player he is. They know him pretty well. He’s not an easy person to offend. “God,” he says, as a game loads on his television screen, “I wish I knew.”
For a while after this, they play without conversation: except the occasional argument about who may have cheated. After finishing his drink and placing the empty can on Sage's bedside shelf, Rio puts down his controller. “Can I tell you something?”
Sage puts theirs down, too. “Yeah.”
There’s a pause. “I think I kinda wanna get married.”
This is an absurd thing for Rio to say. Mostly out of surprise, Sage laughs sharply, looking at him. “What? Like a pity marriage or something?” It sounds bad after they say it, but Rio smiles.
“No, but I can see why you’d think that.” He removes his ponytail, shakes out his hair, which is very frizzy. “I’m serious, though, it’s weird. I don’t know why I’d ever want to do that.” Sage doesn’t know, either. People can evolve, of course, and change their minds, but this is so unlike Rio. He’s never seemed like the type to get married.
Sage narrows their eyes. “Who are you? Did somebody clone my brother and make him monogamous?”
“Shut up.” Rio punches them in the shoulder. “Also, still hate monogamy. You can date around while being married, you know.”
“I guess.”
Outside, somebody drives a motorcycle. Sage is scared of motorcycles. “Well, why do you want to get married, then? Are you in love, Rio?” They say this to tease him, mostly. Maybe their brother can evolve, after all. Stranger things have happened.
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Really.” Sage is skeptical, as well as amazed. What’s gotten into him lately? “Who is this kid, and what has he done to you? And what makes you think he’ll want to marry you?” They began the conversation casually, but are fully invested now. Usually, Sage isn’t this talkative. Alcohol makes their stutter much worse. After taking another can from the fridge, Rio shakes his head at them.
“Sage, have you met me? Everyone wants to marry me. There are hundreds of people texting me right now asking where I am.” He’s obsessed with himself. He was always like this. Sage always thought their parents praised him too much during childhood.
“You wish, Casanova.”
It’s late. At home, Sage rarely ever stays up past midnight. Rio picks up the controller again, turns the game back on. “Come on, Dork,” He tosses a controller at Sage, who fumbles it. “Let’s keep playing."