I have a huge obsession with a few things in my life. One of them is undeniably related to my education, TC is the place that I spent half my life in and 16 years obsession over it. When I decided to live my life to its fullest and die with no regrets, I can’t get TC out of my mind. How could I when ¾ of my life center around that school and everyone related to it. I used to have a love/hate relationship with everyone related to that school but now all I have is pure respect for it’s vision and commitment. You see I am someone who have a twisted moral compass, I don’t care whether the sponsor and founder of any NGO or charity foundation manage to profit or benefits directly from charity as long as that foundation truly help someone. As long as I don’t have all information then I can’t say for sure about why an Australian organization go so far for Cambodian but they leave behind one hell of a mark. Many people receive education and scholarship from that foundation and I was able to somehow function in the society because of my experiences with that school. The quote of “Education is the weapon against ignorant and madness.” is something that I love to say. I love the fact that I was put into position where I can taste consequences every time I make the wrong choices, I have no doubt in my mind that if I never taste consecutive consequences again and again then I won’t be able to grow to be the person I am today. I would probably run away from my problems indefinitely, abuse substances and alcohol, go to jail a few times and could led to murder if I was born in country accessible to guns. Did I ever tell you that mental health problems run in my family? There are 3 close family members in my family tree that confirmed to be crazy and received treatments for it, a few that have mental health problems that refused to acknowledge it and me someone who realized I also have a huge problem when I’m an adult. I was simply born into a perfect situation and surrounded myself with people that love me in their own way and people who constantly put me down. I also happen to be an only child and don’t have a father that could teach me, somehow managed to study in a school where you stuck with lots of people who you known since childhood till you are an adult, becoming student to a bunch best teachers you could ask for, young adult who are passionate for their job and do it because they believe in the vision of it, somehow was a Christian by choice since I’m 5 til I’m 17 old without anyone forcing me, saw many bully of my childhood turn for the better and people who never improve destroy their own life, accidentally entering the adult world since I’m 13 by volunteering in publishing group, saw the full consequences of people without education, people who are full of ego because they success in life, have one of the most useful hobby of reading novels and drama, is one of the most hypocrite who judge everything and everyone daily, a little bit psychopathic that I have a very objective point of view, meet people who are actually suffering from mental health problems by pure accident, is one of the perfect liar who lives double life of bravery on the internet, born into a perfect county to see the results of stupidity and egoist people, somehow never get my hand on power when I was immature to done irreversible damage, etc. If I look back to my life on why I became the person I am today, I can list many good reasons that I turned out only a little bit twisted and a little bit crazy. Thanks to all the good qualities I experience I somehow become kinder and normal(?) without much outside help. Do I feel lonely and upset sometimes? Obviously, it would be a complete lie to say that I don’t want it to turn out better. But, I can’t change that prologue part of my life, I could learn and improve how I act in the future though. I learned how to seek help from people when I’m stuck, make the perfect connection of people who are unconditionally kind towards everyone even me. My life bloom and shine by all the kindness and patience of everyone around me. Sometimes people need so many chances to turn their life around… I didn’t turn my life around at the second, third, fourth and so on, I don’t even know how many chances were given to me until I somehow become the person I am today. I decided to go back to school and get my diploma and degrees. Emotion such as anger is a very strong motivation. I can’t find motivation on my own but with help from others I somehow rekindle the flame of passion and outlook of the future I have today. I am angry at myself for giving up so easily, for always running away and being a coward. I was scared of getting hurt so much that I run from the battlefield of life without testing my limit at all. I really love stories where people could be unconditionally kind like Demon Slayer and JJK, despite all the shit that they suffered they could still be able to live and smile brightly. I don’t want to regret anything anymore. I attended a few funerals that wake me up from the illusion that no one going to cry at my own. A co-worker of mine when I was 20 died suddenly due to illness and seeing his mother break down make me imagine of my own mother… he was someone who is incredibly kind towards everyone even though he never said it directly. He is a diligence man who is loved by everyone around him even though he speaks rudely. He was a teacher to me on how I should walk my life. You see I’m a man of my words, it’s both my strength and weakness, I don’t easily compromise on many things that goes against rule and my own selfish needs. Most of the times your own strength is also your own weakness. Do you think the same as me? Everyone usually say one thing and mean another, they expect you to be a complete opposite depends on the situation and most people around me expect me to be both an adult who knows hardship but treat me as a child when I pitch an idea… you can’t honestly expect someone who is socially inept and know full well about what he had done to be a genius in life who would be mature extremely fast… I was honestly so tired of all the expectations people have of me and the expectations I have for others..

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I managed to turn my life around only when I change my perspective and accept my own weaknesses and shortcomings. I was able to go into therapy on my own, experience an adult life without contingency plans and shameless enough to walk back no matter how many times I fell down. I am honestly proud of myself that I turn out to be the man I am today despite all the shit I’ve done in the past. I turn the desire to die into desire to see the future, fear of the unknown into curiosity, insecurities into lessons, bruise into battle scars of reminder, bad things about my personality into advantages, etc. I am proud to say that I’m happy even in this hard time I’m going through. They say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger “. I’m totally agree with that statement, until the day I take my last breath I will continue to walk this road without fear if failures. What else could I lose anyway when I’ve already lost everything many times.

Be brave and learn everything from every situations in your life. Untill somebody come to give hard evidences of the afterlife then you only live once. Playing a game in easy mode is boring so live a kind life, a life that full of hardship that make someone life brighter. Who know that your random act of kindness would save someone. All the kindness and goodwill toward me save mine. I wasn’t living in the living hell anymore. I am able to hope for the future that I would die happy. Thank you for being here with me on this journey. 🥰