Hello! My name is Soksan and I used to study in transform Cambodia center 1. I want to come here to meet all of you to untie the shackles I put on myself. In the past I have such an extreme case of depression that led me to take the extreme way out. After I was expelled I did some soul searching and was lost for quite a while but I have to pick myself up and work so that I can survive. I dropped out of school and work since I was 16, during those hard times I managed to earn quite a lot of money and convinced myself that I have no other choice. Then life stab me in the back during COVID-19, I have a lot of time on my hand and I think back to my school year, what went wrong in my life? Was it during grade 6 when I was left in center 3 while everyone I'm close with transferred to center 1? That was not it I still have friends, since I mentally make myself forget I can't name all of them but I remember one person who was always there for me his name is Channy, during those times I lashed out on everyone around me including my friends and teacher by skipping school. I still remember my teacher's name who decided to fulfill my wish by transferring me to center 1, her name is Miss. Somphors. Did getting into center 1 solve my problem? For a while maybe, I remember the first month in the new school and new environment I got number 44 in school, was that somebody's fault? No it was entirely my fault I skipped school so many times that my grade is slipping. So I picked myself up and studied hard I got a better grade but it wasn't satisfying at all. And once again I convinced myself that it wasn't my fault but because other people have friends and they copy from one another, I try to connect to people and try making friends but I'm too prideful and arrogant. I involved myself in the wrong crowd, bare my heart to the wrong person who stabbed me in the back, I was incredibly hurt by him but instead of moving on I chose the easiest way by avoiding my problem. Once again I skipped school. Until I make the right friends their names are karithy and sambath. I still remember their names clearly because they were someone I could call my best friends. They were sincere and they never took advantage of me. Everything was shaky but okay because I have them, I remember brother Sovan he was one of the kindest people I know, arguably that time was my happiest moment. Just like how life laugh at me when I find joy I was transferred to another shift estranged from my friends, and like always I took the easiest way out, I have such a hard time connecting to people because I am always afraid of getting hurt, I hate getting hurt the most, so I close my heart and never accept anyone, during these time I found comfort in being alone. Does the new shift don't have anyone I can be friends with? No, there are plenty of good people there are many good people I just don't want to make any friends. It all goes downhill from here, I drown myself in the victim mentality, I believe I was wronged I never try to change myself because I'm afraid of my scars and how people hurting me, my mental state goes rock bottom. I never managed to pick myself up from there. Until I met someone who I once had a crush on, she was just like how I always remember always so kind always smiling, for a while I was happy but the consequences of skipping school catching up to me I wasn't the smartest person I once was. To me the only pride I have is the fact that I'm smart. I was lost and when I cornered myself I chose the worst possible decision I could make, I try to commit suicide on school ground. As a result of that I was expelled. Was that anybody's fault? No it was my fault but I was too young too hothead to think logically. So I dropped out and found a job as a delivery person with 240$ salary, during this job I got fired 3 times by my cousin who is my boss because of my mistakes that I made during working and past mistakes that catching up to me. Many of those times I always thought of ending my own life but I remember my widow mother, she was the sole reason I'm alive, she was my sole light in this darkest time. I changed myself and improved and I worked for my cousin again. Probably my darkest moment, i cling to life during this time instead because I was happy. But I was so ashamed of myself while I used to be the top of the class but here I am delivering while my friends enter university so I cut all contact with everyone and I'm sorry for it. The past year my mental health goes up and down, 6 months ago I got a surgery, I spent 4 days in the hospital with my mother. And one month ago I decided that I don't want to live in regrets anymore so I asked to become a salesperson in the company but I was refused because I don't have any experience but she lets me in other positions because she just learned I could speak English , I confess my feeling to the person I loved and get over my 10 years crush, contacting my teachers to say sorry and thank you and coming here to meet old friend and say sorry and thank you. I don't want to spend my life in regret. I wish to die one day where I look back and say I live my life to the fullest and have no regrets.

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