I don’t know whether I’m shameless or prideful in this subject. My way of living change many times since I was young, I was always put the blame on others in the past. From my birth, finances, mental health, failures, physical health, social skill and many other subjects. I always somehow managed to convinced myself that it wasn’t my fault. Is it really true? Some part probably isn’t my fault, but most of them are my own doing. Sure, I can’t choose who I was born into and my mental illness but I can choose how I live my life. But I was a fuxking asshole, hypocrite and loser. I manipulate every single person who shown goodwill toward me, crushed their hearts, lie to them, ungrateful and many other bad thing. Yet, I expect people to help me when I’m in a pinch. When everything come crushing down I choose to run away and give up. How foolish of me. I can’t help but be a hypocrite even in this situation, I always said that my life is hard because of me being poor, no siblings, no friends, zero social skill, mental illness and no support. Why didn’t I compare myself to those who have it harder than me? Dear readers of this story, if you think your life is hard then always remember that there are those who have it harder than you. I didn’t have the hardest life, my mother pampered me and always try to get the best for me, I have an aunt who always look out for me, I have free education, I could be said to be smarter than most people, no disability, I wasn’t born into war period, for the most part my country is pretty affordable compare to many other countries, I wasn’t abuse by anyone at all, I got access to the internet and knowledge easily, I won’t be sent into prison for what people take for granted, I don’t have violence nature and hate harmful substances. If I list everything that most people take for granted then you probably going to get bored. You probably get what I mean. Please do not think you have the worst life. Do not expect anything. Stop living in that victim mentality.😌

I mean it, you will only hurt yourself and those around you. Human are social creatures, it’s impossible to live alone. Don’t bring the argument of introvert with me. Unless you can survive in the void of nothingness then you aren’t truly alone. I recommend you to get pets or hobbies if you don’t like social gathering. Whenever life hit me like a truck, I always thought of giving up everything but why should I do that? What evidence do I have that giving up would solve my problem? Some of you probably already aware that I tried to commit suicide a few times. I still have suicide thought but I never goes through with it. I can’t control my own thought and how life play out. But, I have control over how I live my life. Everyone have different control of their life, some have full control of it, some have little control and some give up that control completely. I love one quote from Buddhism “Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.” I still stay truth to this beliefs, you are your own jailer and prison. I yearn for “freedom” and “enlightenment”. To know everything about myself and to be free from all shackles. But right now I’m far from freedom and enlightened, yet I still hope to reach that state one day. I love learning new things and discovered part of me that I don’t know about. Maybe one day I would truly be free and enlightened. I wish to take control of my own life and I hope you would be able to do the same. If what I write here today could help somebody in the future then I would be incredibly happy, just like how what was written by other save me… I have many reasons of choosing this career and I don’t know which one is consider to be the main reason I write. Maybe I’m too lonely? I wish to be saved by others? I simply wish to control what going inside my story? I don’t know all the reason I choose to write about myself and what I imagined. But, I know that by writing everything down I managed to be more happy and stable than before. I sincerely hope that I will be able to answer everything about myself, have the freedom to say what I want and managed to die with no regrets. I don’t want to live long but I also don’t want to die with any regrets either. I don’t know what going to happen in the afterlife, that’s why I will do everything I believe to be right and go with a smile on my face. This life is a “presents” from the unknown and I want to appreciate it to its fullest glory. To be free from all suffering and to be able to answer my most curious question about the very “purpose” of life itself. I have no answer about who or what created “life” but I’m going to find my own purpose of life. This is a journey that only end with my death since I will never give up on it willingly. Dear reader, what is your “purpose” of life? What is your take on this subject?

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