“So, we have the money,” Felicia said, “Now what’s the plan?”

“Welp, I noticed that our boy Wolfgang uses that music to fight,” Hank said, “Moves in time with the rhythm to give us a whoopin’.”

“How’d you realize that?” Alice asked, “I barely noticed that music.”

“It’s cause a- ugh,” Hank said.

“Just say it,” Felicia said, “We’re learning this whole “adventuring” thing together.”

“Remember when the fighter and bard told me that life or death combat was mostly the same as singing and dancing?” Hank asked.

“No!” Felicia said, covering her mouth in shock.

“Dang it, yes!” Hank said, “That’s how I noticed that, it makes me so angry! That’s so stupid! Why would anyone think that.”

“It’s… It’s wrestling,” Alice said, “Or, I suppose you call it ‘wrassling’ or something.”

“You think-” Hank started, “You think that the adventurers think that song and dance is the same as fightin’ to the death cause of the WWE?”

“Please,” Felicia said, “Everyone knows the ‘F’ is where it’s at.”

“Hey!” Hank barked, “Them’s fightin’ words.”

“Just bear with me,” Alice said, “We live in a place with doctors. Healing is done through medication, surgery, therapy. Healing is expensive, it takes time, energy and effort. Healing is disruptive, you can’t work or play or travel from a hospital bed.”

“Right,” Hank nodded.

“They came from a place with clerics,” Alice continued, “Healing is instant, and I’m proof of that! Injuries that would put me in a hospital bed for months are fixed in seconds! If it was that easy to recover from some life threatening injury, how often do you think gladiators would be playing to the crowd instead of fighting for their lives?”

“That’s so…” Hank muttered.

“I think I hate that just as much as I love that,” Felicia said, “Dude, imagine Andre the Giant VS Jake the Snake if they could just kill each other? Just tell them there are priests backstage.”

“It’d be,” Hank started, a single, manly tear rolling down his cheek, “Beautiful.”

“Wrestling wouldn’t have to be fake,” Felicia said.

“It wouldn’t be about wrestling reality,” Hank said, “It would be wrestling reality.”

“As much I’d like to stand around and talk about wrestling all day,” Alice said, “We still need a plan to defeat Wolfgang.”

“Alright, alright,” Hank said, “First off, we don’t want him to play his music again. It gives him the home court advantage, something I’d like to avoid.”

“Okay, so it’s ambush tactics,” Felicia said, “Hit hard, hit fast. Alice, you have the spirit of a savage warrior. How’d you beat Wolfgang?”

“Me? Can I think about that for a moment?” Alice asked.

“No,” Hank said, “Alice, you’re an educated, rational, thoughtful person-”

“Thanks,” Alice said.

“But that’s not what he need,” Hank continued, “We need a vicious, psychotic barbarian. Now how’d you kill him?”

“I’d, uh, blow him up?” Alice guessed.

“Okay, okay, blowing him up is good,” Felicia said, “How’d you blow him up?”

“I’d buy a car,” Alice said, “A cheap one. Fill it with explosives. Run him over, put on my sunglasses, then blow him up while I walk away.”

“A car bomb sounds good,” Felicia said, “Hank, what do you think?”

“Should work,” Hank said with a nod, “Not going to be much for us to loot though.”

“I don’t know how much organ looting we can actually do,” Alice said, “A lot of the organs that hospitals would want are organs we want to destroy to beat our enemies. Unless our plan is to choke out everyone we face, and the predictability of that would get us killed. We should probably fight our enemies normally and loot what we can afterward.”

“Where are we going to get a bunch of explosives?” Felicia asked, “It’s not like we can waltz into the supermarket and walk out with a crate of grenades.”

You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

“We could go to the gas station,” Hank said.

"And do what?" Felicia asked.

Hank watched the gas pump tick up as the fifth gas can Hank had loaded up to the pump filled.

"After this," Alice said, "We should stop by a hardware store to buy a bunch of screws and nuts."

"This is so obvious I'm mad I didn't think of it," Felicia grumbled.

"How quickly does gas catch fire?" Hank asked, "I know this'll make a big fireball, but wouldn't all that metal weaken the explosion?"

"One gallon of gasoline exploding has the force of eighty-three sticks of dynamite," Alice said, "It should be fine."

Felicia quietly took that in, looking at the four other gas cans Hank had already filled.

"Five gallons of gas with eighty sticks of dynamite per gallon," Felicia mumbled, "Hey, if we load this up with shrapnel, could we survive that?"

There was a moment of silence as the New Adventurers thought that over.

“We just need get out of the blast radius before we set it off,” Alice said,

“How big is the blast radius?” Hank said, eyeing the gas cans.

“Let’s just be really far away when we set it off,” Alice said, “That sound good?”

“Sure,” Felicia said, “I can put a barrier between us and the car, just to be safe.”

“What about the sunglasses?” Alice asked.

“The what?” Hank asked.

“You asked me for a plan,” Alice said, “Part of my plan was to wear sunglasses and walk away from Wolfgang as we blast him to pieces.”

“You know,” Felicia said, “I do want that picture.”

“You want to stand in a fireball, just to take a picture of yourself looking cool?” Hank asked.

“I want to stand just outside a fireball to take a picture of all of us looking cool,” Felicia explained, “And do you not?”

“Oh, I do,” Hank said, “I just also want to survive.”

“We’re superheroes,” Felicia argued, “We’ll be fine! Probably.”

“We’ll be fine,” Alice said, “Provided none of us actually die, I can heal you. Fill up more of those gas cans, I want to make it an even ten.”

Wolfgang returned to the diner early in the morning. Daisy trembled, looking away from Wolfgang as he strode into her kitchen.

“Where is it?” Wolfgang demanded.

“I don’t know-” Daisy started. Wolfgang slapped her across the face, leaving a stinging bruise on Daisy.

“You have the money,” Wolfgang growled, pulling Daisy’s face up by her hair, “To hire those freaks. Hiring people requires money, so you have money. Now, before I have to get rough with you, where is the gold?”

“There isn’t more gold!” Daisy pleaded, “I sold it to a museum! I-”

“Hey!” Hank barked, standing outside the diner. Wolfgang shot a glare toward Hank, dropping Daisy and charging towards Hank. Hank took a few steps back, smiling as Wolfgang leapt over tables to get to Hank. Wolfgang cleared the diner, screaming and howling in fury, and Hank pointed to his left. Wolfgang didn’t look to his left, or his right, which is why Wolfgang didn’t see the speeding convertible, made silent by Felicia, slam into him.

Felicia and Alice leapt out of the car as it barreled into a brick wall, hastily donning sunglasses as Felicia held her phone in a telekinetic grip. Hank jogged up to join them, lighting a molotov cocktail as he fumbled between the glass bottle, the lighter, and his own sunglasses.

Hank flung the bottle into the car, Wolfgang’s eyes going wide when he saw the sharpnel coated gas cans lining the backseat, and lined up with the New Adventurers. Hank walked with an exaggerated swagger, Alice slowly pulled her sunglasses down to peer over them, and Felicia threw up devil horns.

All as Felicia’s phone recorded them being engulfed by a gigantic fireball.

As the flames surrounded them, Felicia sprung forward in panic and started conjuring a sphere of water. Hank came stumbling out of the inferno next, slapping at fires on his arms and legs. Alice stepped out last, flames licking at her hair and fur armor.

“That hurt a lot,” Alice said, stepping into the water ball Felicia magically held.

“Next time,” Hank said, “We do that from farther away. Did you get the photo?”

“Hah! Sure did!” Felicia cheered, “Check it out!”

“Heh, awesome,” Alice said.

“Think we can turn that into a poster?” Hank asked.

“You set that building on fire!” Daisy screamed.

The New Adventurers turned around. They had indeed set a building on fire. Next to Daisy’s Eatery rested a few more restaurants and a small shopping strip. Smoke billowed out of the strip, gallons and gallons of gasoline quickly turning the place into a blazing inferno.

“How do we solve that?” Felicia asked, “I don’t know if I can summon enough water to douse all that. Maybe cold blasts?”

“With violence!” Alice shouted.

“What?” Hank asked.

“We solve it with violence,” Alice said, “Fire needs air, heat and fuel to burn, and if we cut off the rest of the shopping strip, the fire should quickly burn itself out.”

“When you say cut off,” Felicia said, “Do you mean us physically cutting part of the building away?”

“We have enchanted weapons,” Hank said.

“Then let’s get to it,” Felicia agreed, “Hey lady! Keep breakfast hot!”

The New Adventurers charged the burning building, bardiche, trident, and arcane darts held high. The roar of fire and smoke alarms met Alice’s furious battle cry as the Zealot and Gladiator hacked, thrust, slashed and tore at walls and doors. Felicia set her arcane darts spinning in a glowing ring of power and directed her spell upward to grind away at the ceiling.

The New Adventurers worked furiously, shouting and cheering in a mix of rage and joy. Under the chaotic din of sparking, crackling fire, wood splintering, stone shattering, metal tearing, and wordless battle cries, hide a quiet, sinister melody.

It was the music of Wolfgang.