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Iakesi: They Call Me Homeless, but I Cast Fireball!
Epic Level: Disasters and Dead Universes. Epilogue

Epic Level: Disasters and Dead Universes. Epilogue

King’s Head burned as the invasion pushed forward. Alien soldiers swarmed the streets in a blitzkrieg, charging forward before the heroes could mount a counterattack. As Brain Wave tried to coordinate defenses, find lost and trapped people, and rescue as many innocents as she could, she felt a strange set of thought patterns. So close to each other that the six patterns could be the same, but still reminding themselves that they’re individuals.

Brain Wave looked down, and saw a streak of gold and purple and music race down the street and into the portal, tearing through the alien army. Tremortis turned, massive jaws snapping for the light as it dove into the portal.

The portal winked out of existence, decapitating the great beast. For a brief moment, the whole alien army turned, staring in confusion as their greatest warrior lay dead. Brain Wave hoped that brief respite would be enough.

“What have you done?” the general screamed, Roger, Fergus, and Barnabus wrenching their weapons out of machines far beyond their understanding, “You- you- That was our only hope!”

Blake looked around. An army of the shape shifting aliens stretched as far as she could see in a chrome colored military base. Surrounding the base was a huge black dome that-

No, Blake realized, the dome wasn’t black. She could, faintly, see reflections in it. The dome was clear, and behind it was unending darkness. No sun, no moon, no stars. Complete and total nothing.

"Where are we?" Blake asked.

"You are on the last city," the general said, "Of the last planet, of an empire that once held complete and total control of the entire universe. And, you would be on the cusp of a new age, a new era of dominance, if you hadn't destroyed our dimensional gateway!"

"There’s no need to fight," Blake said, "Yet."

"If your empire was so big," Roger said, "How come you've only got one city left?"

"We faced a threat beyond anything we were prepared to face," the general explained, "Our universe turned cold."

"Cold?" Barnabus asked.

"Yes, cold," the general said, pinching fingers together,, "Star by star, system by system, until the whole universe was unsuitable for life. We lost world after world, until we only had this city-" The general gestured to the ceiling. "And a reminder of the price of failure. I was going to lead the last of my empire, my people, to a new age of prosperity.

"Claire," Fergus said, "Your call."

"I find your ambitious preposterous, and your words mere lies," Claire said.

"You doubt me?" the general said.

"You sought conquest, not salvation," Claire said, "You wanted to destroy another civilization in your dying gasp. I find you, and all who follow you, guilty."

"And what would you have me do?" the general demanded, "What would you have done differently? How would you have used every last wisp of heat? Every last scrap of food and drop of water?"

"I would have asked the neighboring universe for help," Claire said, "instead of trying to infiltrate and destroy them. Honestly, did any of you ever once think of asking for help? No. Your general wanted conquest, and you wanted to say you were just following orders to sleep better at night. Or whatever passes for night around here. Each and every last one of you had a chance to do what’s right and none of you did!”

“I am not going to gamble the future of my entire species,” the general seethed, “On the potential kindness of strangers!”

“And who said their kindness would be a gamble?” Fergus asked.

“No civilization could withstand population doubling overnight!” the general said, “Their existence would be totally at odds with ours!”

“You had scouts,” Fergus said, “It was a rough place, and escape might not be fast, but people there would have helped you if you asked.”

“And remind me why I need to justify myself,” the general said, “To the people who have doomed us? I see no reason to continue this charade.”

“Neither do I,” Claire said, “If you refuse to listen to reason, we can resort to combat.”

“Everyone, the enemies of our empire stand before us!” the general declared, “To victory and doom!”

“Attack!” Fergus ordered.

The adventurers sat before the goddess that had given them the quest. The goddess eyed Claire with suspicion and disgust. They had fought the aliens for a long, long time. The planet didn’t really have days, and by the end they were so deep underground that it didn’t matter anyway. The fight could have lasted weeks, it could have lasted days, but what was really important was how the fight ended.

“I still don’t think that was my fault,” Roger whispered, “How was I supposed to know the bomb at the planet’s core was load bearing?”

“We were all in that room,” Blake whispered back, “You could have asked any one of us.”

“Why would anyone build a load bearing bomb on a planet’s core?” Roger demanded, “Why would I have even guessed that?”

“You should be glad it was load bearing,” Claire hissed, “What if that killed us all?”

“It did!” Winston said.

“No, it killed you,” Barnabus said, “The rest of us died in the freezing vacuum of space.”

“With blood boiling out of our eyes,” Roger added.

“That took so long,” Claire whined, “Really, Winston, you should have been wearing armor.”

“Why, so I could live to endure that?” Winston asked.

Fergus was silent, staring at the goddess. When they arrived he had asked one question: did we succeed? They had never failed a quest before, and despite all the personal growth the adventurers had endured, nobody was looking forward to learning how failure felt. When Fergus asked that, the goddess had told them to wait, probably just to get them nervous, Fergus figured.

The goddess produced a scroll, decorated with gold filigree, and held it so she could read it while still glaring at Claire.

“I am pleased to say,” the goddess said, “That your quest is successful. Payment in the form of one wish each shall be delivered as soon as you make your request. Now, what do you wish for?”

There was humming and hawing as each of the adventurers considered all they had learned and all they had done. As the goddess’ glare intensified, Claire finally spoke up.

“Could we have some time to think about it?” she asked.

Epilogue

Barnabus hadn’t seen his parents in a long time, but what really surprised him when he sat down with them was how young his mother and father were. His dad was a tall and powerful ork, black hair cascading down muscular shoulders, and his mother’s wild, red hair looked like she had never brushed it while also looking perfect.

Before Barnabus was a canvas, a brush, and a set of paints. On Barnabus’ face was the angriest scowl he had worn in a long, long time. He thought he had mastered anger some time ago, mastered his body before his anger, and yet his hands stumbled and caught every time he so much as touched the paintbrush.

His dad, with hands like bear paws, moved his paintbrush so delicately it seemed unreal to Barnabus, like his dad was a wizard’s illusion.

“You could have just wished to know how to paint,” Barnabus’ dad said.

“I wanted to learn from you,” Barnabus said, “Wishing for it felt cheap.”

“Well, what did you wish for?” his mother asked.

“Haven’t yet,” Barnabus said.

“Are you still allowed to wish for love?” his mother asked.

“No, haven’t been able to for a long time,” Barnabus said, “Once genies picked up that rule, it didn’t take long for everyone else to use it. Why?”

“Well, you’ve been traveling together for a long time,” his mother said, pointing to Barnabus and Blake.

“Mom!” Barnabus barked.

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“Workplace romances never work,” Blake said, her face a perfect mask of concentration, “And Fergus would never allow it anyway. He’d probably say it would jeopardize team coordination.”

“Well, I’ve seen how some of the valkyries here look at you,” his mother said, “Stick together long enough and people will think you’re a couple. Besides, after your last adventure I thought you’d be ready to retire. Might as well get on that while you’re still young.”

“Where are the rest of your friends, anyway?” his father asked, “Fergus and Roger?”

Captain Zarr stared at Fergus, and Fergus stared back. Fergus had wanted to travel more, really see the universe, and there was a bit of work that lined up with that. An intergalactic empire was sending a fleet across the universe to investigate some kind of a thing, Fergus and Roger didn’t really pay attention to that. Something about color and heat. Excited to visit new and exciting places, to go boldly where he personally had never gone before, Fergus signed up. Roger, looking forward to some bro time with Fergus, signed up as well.

“You’re sure?” Captain Zarr asked, staring at Fergus all the while. Bipeds like him weren’t that uncommon, but Zarr preferred his own biology. The pair had called him a “drider” when they first met, whatever that was. “You’re not worried about allergies?”

“What’s an allergy?” Roger asked.

“An extreme reaction by your immune system to otherwise normal food.” Zarr explained, “It can cause-”

“If a food wants to start a fight with me, I’ll win,” Fergus said.

“We can find any with a quick DNA scan,” Zarr said.

“No,” Fergus said, “I take personal privacy very seriously.”

What did that have to do with that? Whatever, Zarr decided, “So I see you added an addendum to the service contract. Says here you-”

They wanted to be on every away mission? That was- Why? It wasn’t that Zarr didn’t want people for away missions. The pilgrimage would be long and dangerous, the ships would need to take supply from passing planets, harvest and exploit resources while fending off hostile alien life, repel pirates and borders, along with other dangers Zarr couldn’t even guess at. He would need troops for the away team, but he had seen skilled soldiers die in droves during away missions. Nobody wanted to be on every away mission. And whatever Fergus and Roger were, Zarr had never seen anything quite like them.

Ugh, this wasn’t some “last members of an ancient race in some sort of suicide pact” thing, was it? The Board of Natural Biology would kill Zarr if he sent two unknown aliens to their deaths. At least, not without some scan of what they were. But, there was no way that nobody else had ever met the pair. They couldn’t have just- Zarr didn’t know- step out of a dark alley and walk straight onto his ship. Could they?

No.

That would be ridiculous.

“You know what,” Captain Zarr said, “Welcome aboard.”

“Fergus joined some spaceship pilgrimage,” Barnabus said, “They said they’re traveling to some space anomaly some lightyears away. Fergus said he’d be willing to just so long as he’s always on the away-team.”

“What if he gets hurt?” his mother asked.

“Then he’ll still be on the away-team,” Barnabus said, “Same for if he gets sick. Besides, I’m not worried. Fergus is about as tough as they come, and Roger went with him.”

“What about Winston?” Barnabus’ dad asked.

Winston stepped into Theodore Greatest’s office, Theodore snapping a glare at Winston.

“You again,” Theodore seethed.

“Yep,” Winston said, “Me again.”

“Do you have any idea how many students wandered to their deaths because of you?” Theodore grumbled, “How many parents I had to talk to because their child wandered into the woods and got eaten by wolves? If you’re here to drag my students away again-”

“I’m not,” Winston assured him.

“They what could you possibly be here for?” Theodore demanded, “Mister “Master of the Arcane”? You have no idea what I’ve done through magic! The miracles my hands have worked!”

“Could you tell me about them?” Winston asked.

“Hah! I would never pass up an opportunity to flaunt my superiority over you!” Theodore said, pulling a metal card out of his desk, “Behold! The solution to the Dragon Wars! After you and yours dissolved the majority of the planet’s gold, I created a system to allow for the accumulation of wealth without the accumulation of materials. Each of the cards is linked to an arcane matrix. When a purchase is made, value is moved from one card to the other to record the transaction and movement of wealth. And I call it-”

“Arcane banking?” Winston said.

“You cheat!” Theodore spat, “You looked into the future, or read my mind, or-”

“No, I just found a system like that during my latest quest,” Winston explained, “Though they called it “electronic”.”

“What are you here for?” Theodore demanded.

“I want to learn,” Winston said, “During my last quest, I had an opportunity to learn and study without the risk of awakening ancient evils.”

“Impossible,” Theodore scoffed.

“I thought so at first,” Winston said, “But it made me realize, most of what I know about magic is how to kill someone-”

“Which is an important skill,” Theodore said.

“Which is an important skill,”: Winston agreed, “But, your model of arcane banking. I would have never thought of that! It’s amazing!” Theodore preened at Winston’s praise. “And I know that’s not the only wonder your hands have worked. I want to take some time to learn the true scope of arcane knowledge. I’m not going to teach, or attend class, or do anything to your students.”

“You just want to study? Recreationally?” Theodore asked, “And see my true mastery of magic, the scope of my arcane knowledge.”

“I do,” Winston said.

“Then, behold the wonder of this!” Theodore said, passing a framed piece of paper to Winston, “That piece of paper is linked to a vaste library, and can transmit the knowledge stored in those tomes to your paper. I call it the Scribe! You write a question onto the paper, and the spells return the answer. Go ahead, use it to test your knowledge.”

“He went back to college,” Barnabus said.

“And Claire?” his father asked.

“She’s spending time with her Goddess,” Blake said, “Wanted to get to know Her better, understand Her better. Claire seems to be enjoying herself. I’m here because I think I go crazy if there’s not some part of myself I can improve.”

“I find painting relaxing,” Barnabus’ father said.

“And I hope for even half of your skill,” Blake said, “You make this look so easy.”

“She’s spending time with her Goddess,” Blake said, “Wanted to get to know Her better, understand Her better. Claire seems to be enjoying herself. I’m here because I think I go crazy if there’s not some part of myself I can improve.”

“I find painting relaxing,” Barnabus’ father said.

“And I hope for even half of your skill,” Blake said, “You make this look so easy.”

The work was good for Claire. While she was certain that her Goddess didn’t need any help with the workload, it would hardly do for the Great Believer to not know all of Her edicts. As Claire sorted and judged souls, she stopped on one familiar looking boy. Keagan McCullen of Earth.

“Excuse me,” Claire said, “May I take my leave?”

Her Goddess asked what Claire was going to leave for.

“There’s a soul here that I wanted to meet with,” Claire said.

Her Goddess asked Claire what she meant to do.

“I-” Claire said, hoping she wasn’t going to insult her Goddess with her own foolishness, “I want to resurrect him. I mean, if he wants to come back to life I’ll resurrect him. He is heroic and virtuous, full of compassion in action, and I think he could be a boon to his planet if given a second chance at life.”

Her Goddess told Claire to go, but be quick about it. There was still plenty of work to do.

Gamer Man stood on the mountain top, wondering what he was supposed to do, when the bard showed up.

“Oh hey,” Gamer Man said, “Where am I?”

“You are,” the bard said, “At the peak of your mountain of heroism.”

“And what is that?” Gamer Man asked.

“A representation of all the great things you accomplished in life,” the bard said, “This is the same mountain I told you to climb in your sleep, and see how your mountain rises over others.”

“So I’m dead then,” Gamer Man remarked.

“Well,” the bard said, “Yes. You died fighting Battle Crow and trying to save Aurumite.”

“And did I save Aurumite?” Gamer Man asked.

“Well, that- er,” the bard said.

Claire descended on a pillar of radiance, clad in her armor and wielding her mace, and took a long, hard look at the bard.

“Who are you?” Claire demanded, raising her mace.

The bard turned into a grayish, greenish ghost with a long, trailing cloud for hair.

“I am Love,” the ghost said, “The spirit that Gamer Man the Hero bound to his armor.”

“Well, Keagan,” Claire said, “I have come to bring you back to life, if you want me to.”

“I don’t know,” Gamer Man said.

“What do you mean?” Claire asked.

“I mean, am I really worth that?” Gamer Man asked, “I fought Hell Seeker, and lost. I fought Gorestrike, and lost. I fought Battle Crow, and I still lost. Why would you want to resurrect me?”

“Because you did everything you could to help people,” Claire said, “You sacrificed everything you had for the betterment of the world. That’s something that ought to be honored.”

“But you and your team won at everything you did,” Gamer Man said, “Sure, you can say I sacrificed, but what did that accomplish?”

“When you fought Hell Seeker, there were people who lived because of what you did,” Claire said, “When you fought Gorestrike in his castle, you saved Gargoyle, Faery Fire, and the Sensational Sword Saint Sailors. When you fought Battle Crow, Battle Crow was unable to join the invaders and you saved Aurumite’s life. Countless lives were saved through your action.”

“Really?” Gamer Man asked.

“Just because the fights didn’t end in your decisive victory doesn’t mean you didn’t help people,” Claire said, “There was no task beneath you, and no challenge beyond you. You lived with virtue, and you died with honor. Now, Keagan, if you think you’re ready I can carry you back to Earth and you will live again.”

“What would I do?” Gamer Man asked.

“The same thing you’ve been doing for years,” Claire said, “Be a hero.”

“Well,” Gamer Man said, giving his best ‘cool smile’ that made him look like a complete dork, “Sounds like a little bit of all I’ve got is never going to hold me down. Back to Earth it is!”

And so ends the tale of when they came to us.

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