“Well what are we waiting for?” Psychedelika demanded, lounging in her seat at the high table. She swung her legs in idle frustration. The table was built for people the size of Gorestrike and Ascension, and it was always an effort to clamber onto the oversized chair.

“Construction has not yet been completed,” Gorestrike declared, “According to the noble foreman, the propulsion systems require further testing to ensure a safe and glorious landing. The purple velvets you picked out for decor have not arrived either.”

“You sure I don’t gotta pay you back for those?” Psychedelika asked, “I saw some of the prices on those.”

“I will not let meager matters of coin get in the way of allies,” Gorestrike declared, “Fear not, my coffers are well stocked.”

“You made me pay for my decor,” Ascension protested.

“I shall not let coin get between friends,” Gorestrike declared, “Nor shall I let coin take advantage of friendship. You pay because you have money to pay with. If Lady Psychedelika finds herself in possession of funds to return what I have spent on her, she may do so.”

“Not a lot of people call me ‘Lady’,” Psychedelika muttered, pouting as a blush formed across her face.

“And everyone calls me Gorestrike,” Gorestrike declared,”Now, I feel we are in need of another companion. Afterward, I feel as though our mighty brotherhood shall be ready! However, I tire of sifting through endless appeals and tall tales to join me in glorious battle, so I am willing to delegate to you two. Do either of you have any recommendations?”

“If our next team member is another girl,” Psychedelika started, “Can we be called a sisterhood?”

“Can it be a clone of me?” Ascension asked.

“We shall be a brotherhood,” Gorestrike declared, “And only if your clone is notably distinct from you.”

“Any distinction, any deviation from my perfection,” Ascension declared, “Can only be seen as weakness. Why do you want four, anyway?”

“Our foes are numerous and mighty in deed and spirit,” Gorestrike declared, “If we are to attain victory, to rise above those who would strike us down, we must be able to match their number. This great order must not be beaten by an unending tide of mere chaff. Now, does anyone here know of a great and mighty warrior? Someone who strides boldly across the earth?”

“How about Mikey?” Psychedelika asked.

“I refuse to share an address with the disease ridden sludge pile,” Ascension said, “And last I heard, he died anyway.”

“Really?” Psychedelika asked.

“Do you not read the news?” Ascension asked, “There was a huge story about the Underlanders. They were turned back into humans and Mikey was violently beaten.”

“Huh,” Psychedelika remarked, “And yeah, I don’t follow the news that much. I’m completely out of it most of the time.”

“Well, do at least try to stay up to date with Castle Gorestrike,” Ascension demanded, “I won’t have lounging about while high. You have a seat in Castle Gorestrike, you have responsibili-”

“Ascension!” Gorestrike barked, “I lead this team, and you will not challenge my authority. If there is a dispute, I and I alone will handle it. Now, with that in mind, Psychedelika, you have a seat in Castle Gorestrike.” Ascension rolled his eyes and grumbled to himself. “You have responsibilities, and if you cannot meet them then you shall be left by the wayside. Am I understood?”

“Yes sir, mister Gorestrike sir,” Psychedelika said.

“Ser Gorestrike,” Gorestrike corrected, “ Or Mighty Ser Gorestrike, if you prefer. Now, what are your current projects?”

“I’m cooking up a bunch of drugs?” Psychedelika said with a shrug, “I can take them when we get into a fight.”

“How would that ever be helpful?” Ascension demanded, “What are you even going to do? Collapse to the floor unconscious?”

“Hey, I project my mental state to other people,” Psychedelika protested, “I can turn a whole crowd of people into a herd of convulsing junkies.”

“Can you stay sober while doing that?” Gorestrike inquired.

“Of course,” Psychedelika explained, “I don’t know why, but I don’t suffer the negative side effects. Sure, I still feel the high, but only the good parts. Um, I can also choose to get a regular high, but I can turn it off whenever I want. People inside my aura though, they get to learn what a lethal dose of morphine does.”

“That’s fascinating,” Ascension admitted with genuine enthusiasm, “May I perform some exploratory surgeries-”

“No,” Psychedelika answered.

“Please, I can ensure that you will be unharmed,” Ascension said.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

“No.”

“I could even make a few minor alterations,” Ascension bargained, “Perhaps a new liver? Teeth?”

“Hmm, now that you mention it,” Psychedelika said, “Could you, I don’t know what it’s called, but could you make my brain less resistant to drugs? I’ve built up a tolerance to a number of things, which is a problem with my power, and I’d also like some higher highs. It takes a lot, and I do mean a lot, before I actually start to feel it.”

“I’ll get the operating table prepped-” Ascension said, turning to Gorestrike “As soon as we finish this meeting. My apologies, Ser Gorestrike, I let myself get caught up in the moment.”

“We all have our passions,” Gorestrike declared, “I shall think nothing of it, provided you can focus when we are besieged. I would hate for our talents to go to waste due to a lapse in your judgment. Still, I feel our meeting has already run its course. We are surrounded with distraction, and still lack a fourth.”

“How about Troglodyte?” Psychedelika suggested, “He’s big, super regenerative-”

“And a grotesque heap of unwashed flesh,” Ascension said, “He will stink up the place.”

“Okay, there’s GianTessa?” Psychedelika suggested, “I heard she can pitch a cinder block four blocks and still be accurate enough to crush a fly.”

“She spends her days languishing in dull pursuits,” Gorestrike declared, “We are to be the greatest villains of our age, not liquor store thieves.”

“Motor Saurus?” Psychedelika asked.

Ascension gave Psychedelika a questioning look, while Gorestrike stared at her, presumably unblinking, from under his helmet.

“You guys don’t know Motor Saurus?” Psychedelika asked.

“Is he a monster truck?” Ascension asked.

“No, he’s not,” Psychedelika said, “He’s some kinda metal dinosaur. I don’t know how good he is in a fight, he mostly just pops by my old lair to babble nonsense at me. I thought he was pretty chill.”

“Did you hallucinate this Motor Saurus?” Ascension asked.

“You know,” Psychedelika admitted, “I think I did. It explains why I never saw him outside my lair, or when I was sober. Man, I’m gonna miss that figment, he was a cool dude!”

“Lady Psychedelika,” Gorestrike declared, “You give me an idea-”

“Build a robot dinosaur,” Psychedelika said.

“No,” Gorestrike declared, “I see that you are becoming an ambitious, honorable villain, when seated among great warriors such as Ascension and myself. Would you think it possible that GianTessa could be similarly refined? Perhaps that, if given the chance, she will show the resolve to burn her name across the land.”

“We could sign her on as a probationary member,” Ascension said, “The two of us should be able to keep them in line.”

GianTessa was not a hard person to find, at an even twenty feet tall GianTessa was hard to not notice. She spent most of her time roving the forests to the North of King’s Head. At an even twenty feet tall, she had a big stomach to fill. Years had not been kind to her, There were no clothes that would fit her, she didn’t fit in houses, she didn’t fit in cars, and when she lost her job in the Women’s Major League Baseball it became clear to GianTessa that she didn’t fit in anywhere. So, she roamed the forest, listening to bird song and the thunder of her own footsteps. She had very little survival training, even as the years drifted on, which meant the majority of her food was eaten raw. With her appetite, that meant a lot of critters and plants were eaten alive, rammed down her throat before the taste could set in.

GianTessa looked at her reflection in the small pond. She was, and she knew there was no gentle way to say it, disgusting. She hadn’t had a proper bath in years, bits of fur, bone and gristle were stuck to her teeth, and there was probably an actual rat’s nest in her long, unkempt hair. She lightly pinched her stomach, catching a small roll of fat between her fingers. She had lost the toned, athletic body she had worked for during her baseball career. There was nothing to do out here, no reason to stay in shape, nobody to talk to.

A rustling came from the trees, and GianTessa’s head jerked around. There was-

There were people. GianTessa looked at them in confusion. One was a man, incredibly tall by regular standards and dressed in a loincloth, perfect, oiled musculature on full display. The second was a woman, a bit shorter than average, and wearing more than the man. Not by a whole lot, though. The third was another man, as tall as the first man and wearing what GianTessa thought was three sets of armor.

“Greetings, Lady GianTessa,” Gorestrike declared, “I am Gorestrike, son of Gorestrike! I hope we are not intruding.”

GianTessa didn’t know what to say. Her mouth hung agape.

“My stalwart allies here are Ser Ascension and Lady Psychedelika,” Gorestrike continued, “We are here to offer you a seat at our mighty table.”

“Don’t fit in chairs,” GianTessa muttered, “Don’t fit at tables.”

“You needn’t worry,” Gorestrike declared, “At my lair, the impregnable Castle Gorestrike, all your needs shall be met.”

“Provided you can meet our standards,” Ascension answered.

“Castle?” GianTessa asked.

“All made to my exact demands,” Gorestrike declared, “Every wish of yours shall be fulfilled.”

“I- I want-” GianTessa muttered, rusted gears in her head turning as thoughts she hadn’t had in years tickled back to her, “I wanna bath! An’ clothes! An- An’ I wanna eat barbeque!”

“I assure you,” Gorestrike declared, “It will be everything you desire.”

It was early in the morning. GianTessa felt weird. The massive yoga pants and tank top felt strange against her skin. According to the workers, the clothes were made from the finest, smoothest fabrics in the world.

“Faster!” Ascension ordered, racing GianTessa across a long, makeshift track. He was keeping pace just ahead of GianTessa, which irritated her to no end. Sweat beaded across GianTessa’s brow as she took great, gasping breaths. “Harder!” Ascension commanded, GianTessa straining to do pushups with a crane parked on top of her. Grime was caked across her arms as she grit her teeth with the effort. “More!” Ascension bellowed, leading GianTessa through squats. GianTessa grunted in frustration, wondering how Ascension was still going even after all he had already done. Her anger came to a head, and GianTessa let out a frustrated scream, slamming a fist into the ground.

“Come with me,” Gorestrike ordered.

“No!” GianTessa shouted.

“You will want this,” Gorestrike declared, tugging at GianTessa, “Believe me.”

It was, GianTessa realized with awe, a shower. A shower big enough for her. With a trembling hand, GianTessa turned a shower knob made from a repurposed submarine door. Hot water streamed over her. There was soap. Shampoo. Conditioner! There were pumice stones and luffas! And everything was big enough for her! Years spent in the wild washed away with the dirt and grime.

GianTessa realized she would do anything to keep this.