>> Anyone can define the term love in different ways. Anyone can show what love is through words and actions.

But what truly is the thing love can do for someone? What that specific word could do to change someone? Though I know the meaning and concept of it, there’s still a vague sensation when I hear it.

There are times I ask myself, is it worth to fall in love? Will I ever experience it? How will that someone appear right before me? When will I meet that significant other?

Can I fulfill that feeling?

These are the questions I keep asking myself. I never experience, let alone, feel the word ‘love’ before.

I am Arellano Sanchez, a typical handsome (?) pretty boy who has a secret.

Every time I look at the mirror, I question myself... why I was born with a male body, but a beautiful face like a girl?

That sole question taunts me every single time. Why this kind of face, an alluring looks of a girl? Wearing decent guy clothes makes me look good.

I feel I am truly masculine; a man that can attract women and swoon by just gazing at me. However, some part of me tells that something’s been lacking.

What that might be? What is that specific thing that I want to fulfill with me?

I feel that something’s need to be done through this body of mine. And at that time, I never expect that the view of cross-dressing would congest the curiosity I’m having.

Unbeknownst to my parents, these conflicting feelings I have had been kept for good. They’re both strict in raising me since I’m an only child.

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I followed their advices; studied well and become an obedient son that’ll make them proud. Both of them have good looks, so I inherited it. Yet, the time I grew up, the looks that’s supposed to be theirs slowly disappears.

I turn to look more of my mom. She’s my manly side. Mom is pretty when she’s young, and she used to say that there are lots of boys asking to go out with her.

Yet she chooses to be with dad out of those boys asking her. They ended up together and have me.

I never got any problem with my family. They’re kind and loving, but they’re too conservative in the issues of same sex relationships.

Honestly, I view that in another perspective that love isn’t just bound between two opposite genders. What they choose to love is something they decide.

Also, the fact that I’m pretty like mom becomes fully seen. I started to think that I might be look beautiful like mom if I start wearing girl’s dress.

So, whenever they’re not around, I go to my mom’s closet and tries her clothes. That’s the time I begin to see myself; my true self in the mirror who I’ve been.

And then...

I began cross-dressing since I started living alone. Watching video tutorials in applying makeup and such, I learned it throughout the way. An agency contacted me on my dummy account, portraying my looks as a girl.

They asked me to be a model in some certain brand. Before, I was totally reluctant to accept their offer. Being a crossdresser as a hobby is a secret I want to take within my grave.

None of my acquaintances, except for my manager, that I’m a crossdresser. I find it really fun doing this, and it fulfills me to the brim of my feelings.

Until such time...

“You’re a crossdresser, huh?”

Kristine, who is one of my acquaintances and a girl friend, suddenly blurt out my secret. It turns out that I decided to use the girl’s comfort room to change in order not to be conflicted by other girls who’re entering the premises.

It’s just, that timing caught me red-handed by this girl. She agreed not to reveal my hobby, in exchange that I must come with her in a mixer she organized.

I was too reluctant to say ‘yes’ but... “There’s this friend of mine who is broken hearted. She needs someone to lean on, and it’s your chance.”

Her mischievous smile lures me to feel something strange is going to happen. “Better attend the mixer with your guise, Ella. You look mature and pretty. I like it.”

What’s with her, asking me to attend in a crossdressing fashion? I never asked any questions and just followed her decree. We meet at the rendezvous point wherein her friend is.

That night, I never thought that the friend she’s talking about is a girl who is not going out yet. No one knows she’s a lesbian. And from that, Kristine asked me to go out with that friend of hers.

What?

Me, a straight guy, supposedly likes straight girls will go out with a lesbian? How come that girl will approve it?

Thar’s what I thought, but the time we met... a fluttering feeling engulfed over me.

The first time something strange succumbs me. For the first time, my heart throbs fast the time I meet that girl. There’s something in me, drawn to those eyes of hers as we see each other.

Just like what I’ve said, I never understand fully what love means. It explains in different ways how someone experience it, and how someone interprets that word.

“Is there love I truly want?”

At that same night I left alone with the girl I just met and got slept with, I fully grasped the feelings that’s been struck to me all this time.

I really am in love with that girl named Jessie.