>> “Jessie, I want you to meet my boyfriend. Lance, this is my childhood friend and classmate since grade school, Jessie.”

A sudden happening to my life wherein my childhood friend and the one I admired the most suddenly got a handsome and kind guy.

Anticlimactic, in my part; I never had a thought that this time will come. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you, Jessie. Chesca has been telling me lots about you.”

“Ah, really...?” I show a smile. Chesca, that’s the name of my childhood friend and classmate since grade school. We’ve been childhood friends ever since kindergarten.

She’s my very first and precious friend, and the one I love the most more than anything.

I’ve been bearing feelings for her. Yes, indeed that we’re both girls and I’m fully aware of it. But the time I see her radiant smile with this guy, I feel like crying.

It’s that smile I love the most.

The radiance of her presence makes me stun, and her giggles that makes me feel anxious.

These feelings I’ve been bearing for years now suddenly crushed. My world slowly crumbles as I found out that she’s got another person to spend time with.

And the painful truth is, I’ve never come out as a lesbian to her. I’m scared, she might torment me and stops being friends with me. I’m afraid to lose her, so I conceal who really I am.

“Jessie, what’s the matter...?” In a moment, Chesca calls me. “No, I was just thinking... we’re both in college now. Since when did you two start dating...?”

“I meet Lance in a mixer presented by my colleagues at our circle of friends.”

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“Yeah, she’s kind of timid... and I was there, nothing to do while listening to the nags of our seniors.”

Lance suddenly talks out.

I made sure to pay attention to them, but my mind only focuses on Chesca’s part. She’s been talking lots about Lance and how they started dating.

Specifically, Lance and Chesca, as well as I are attending same University. I’m taking business course, while Chesca took Education as well as Lance is Engineering course.

These two are getting chummy, sitting on the same chair while I was on the opposite side.

I knew that this day will come; a day she’ll find a person that will make her smile like that.

“Jessie...?”

“Huh...?”

“You’ve been spacing much, what’s the matter...?”

“No, it’s nothing. Were you saying something...?”

Chesca looked at me with worry on her face. She have been noticed the anguish I’m having.

But for her sake, I don’t want to have her worry ‘bout me anymore. There’s no way for her to worry, because this would be end up for both her and that guy.

“No, I was saying that if you have class you should better go now.”

Hearing her thoughts, I look at the wristwatch. “Oh, yeah... I have lectures to attend now. See you, then.”

Grabbing my things, I left the table after. “See you, Jessie.” Chesca utters as she follows me off.

What now...? The girl I’ve been yearned of is now committed to someone. I always have been having feelings for her. I’ve been loved her, though this won’t guarantee that both of us would be happy.

But I love her.

Yes, I admit this is painful. This is too painful for me to accept... yet, yet for her happiness to attain, I should just get over it with.

Then, without me knowing, tears suddenly fall down my eyes. Why...? Remembering the smile she shows a while ago with that guy stings my chest.

I should be happy...

But why...?

I don’t understand...

There’s a bleak inside me; taunting me to lose the swelled feeling stirring inside.

I keep walking; my sight becomes distorted. Tears keep falling on my eyes.

I don’t understand; why should I need to cry over the matter...? Why...?

“Why am I crying...?”

Asking myself, my chest feels tighter even more.

Damn, someone... please help me understand this feeling...

I don’t know where to go. At the time I recall her smile, the radiance of her presence, and the feeling of bask by her side, all of it sooth thoroughly in me.

My legs start to wobble.

It slowly gives in to my shattered feelings. Why should I need to feel like this...? Why right now...?

Why...?

Reaching the near bench at the parking lot, I sit over. The walls binding over the University I’m attending is quite close. Students gathering around the campus area are taking their business with fellow colleagues.

I took a deep and tepid sigh.

“What now...? Chesca got a boyfriend. I was supposed to be the one who’s on her side. I was supposed to be that one.”

Murmuring that piece of monologue, the unbearable sensation succumbs inside me. It was so strong I couldn’t help but to breathe hoarsely.

The sudden urge to cry out of it taunts me out. And, I realized that I was wailing out of pain.

Thinking that Chesca would be better off with that guy than me stings my chest. Thinking that it would be better for us to stay friends breaks my heart into pieces.

And thinking that these feelings won’t be answered no matter what, I succumb on the bleak of pain and hatred.

Yes, this is the end of everything. This is the end of my unanswered yearning... the unspoken words and unreached feelings.