The air itself was thick with the acrid tang of sizzling lichen, the fetid sweetness of coagulated slime, and the acrimonious musk of charred centipede flesh. The carcass of the Ancient Centipede BroodMother Hermaphrodite sprawled across the cavern floor, its once-imposing form now a charred, mutilated ruin.
The Spider King’s eyes flicked over the scene, his expression a blend of triumph and mild disgust. Even with the fiery ferocity of the Drow FireWalkers at his side, this had been a messy battle, though not much of a challenge. The BroodMother had fallen like so many others before it: screaming, chittering, and eventually silent.
Nearby, two drow stood admiring their handiwork, their blackened faces split into identical, sharp-teethed grins.
"Heh,” one of them said, her voice a low purr laced with malice, “we’ve slain something truly legendary. A real trophy for the DarkHalls."
“Yes,” her companion agreed, his ruby-red eyes gleaming with an unhinged glee. “I’ve gone up two whole levels. We should celebrate—this calls for something special!”
The first drow turned to him, her grin widening to reveal a savage grin. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Her voice carried the kind of glee reserved for the most unholy of mischiefs.
“Oh,” he replied, mirroring her expression, “I do. I absolutely do!”
The Spider King, unsettled by their exchange, shifted uneasily in his spot, almost slipping on the slime. His commanding presence faltered as he fixed his gaze on the two unsettling figures. “Erm… Just what, exactly, are you two thinking?”
The first drow tilted her head, her smile now a rictus of malicious delight. “Oh, mighty King… Isn’t it obvious?”
Her companion chimed in. “We’re going to eat this bad mother@#*&er.”
The Spider King froze, his face contorting in stunned horror. His gaze snapped to the grotesque heap that was the BroodMother’s remains—a sloughing, bloated mass of viscera, glistening slime, and the unmistakable stench of something foul. The thought of consumption was entirely revolting!
“No,” he rasped, his voice sharp with incredulity. “No, no, no—absolutely not! That thing is… it’s revolting, it’s vile, it’s… inedible in every conceivable way! There’s no way it can be edible!”
The two drow exchanged glances, their expressions unreadable yet somehow deeply unnerving.
“No way? Your majesty, just observe,” the first one said, already pulling a crude blade from her belt. “It’s really delicious.”
The Spider King watched, appalled, as the drow descended upon the carcass with an unsettling enthusiasm, their laughter echoing off the cavern walls. He turned away, muttering to himself, “No way they're eating that thing …”
Behind him, the sounds of butchery mingled with exclamations of delight.
“Look at the marbling on this segment!”
“Oh, this slime layer is going to make a killer glaze…”
The Spider King shuddered.
“Don’t forget the venom sacs,” A thick, black ichor oozed forth, hissing as it met the air. “Fresh venom adds such a bold bitterness to a dish. It really brings out the umami!”
“Oh, and the brood marrow!” The second drow’s eyes gleamed with excitement. “Do you see this? This is liquid ambrosia! The richness, the depth—this could elevate a stew to divine levels!”
“You’re right. It’s… intoxicating. The scent alone makes me want to weep. A little fennel moss, maybe some crushed emberroots, and—oh, yes—this will be legendary.”
The Spider King, still facing away, let out a low groan of dismay. No way it could be actually edible.
Behind him, the butchery continued with morbid enthusiasm.
“Hey, look at this cartilage—it’s still pulsating! Do you think we could pickle it?”
“Why stop there? We could fry it, ferment it, and pickle it! This is a feast fit for gods—or devils. Take your pick.”
“You know,” the first drow said, gnawing idly on a small, charred piece of the thing, “I almost feel sorry for the others. They’ll never know the delights of freshly harvested BroodMother Hermaphrodite pieces.”
“Ah, yes-yes… if only there was a place specialising in cooking centipede delights.”
The Spider King blinked. “Wait… There is a place!”
He turned to face the drow; the two were still smiling in a conspirational way.
…
Inside the shadowy, web-draped embrace of SpideryDelicious™, a sultry figure emerged, weaving through the tables effortlessly like a shadow through the night. The Drow Waitress approached the Spider King, her every step a tantalising dance, the dim glow of the light reflecting off her oiled skin.
“Chu-u~!” she cooed, her voice sweet as poison as she struck a pose dripping with allure.
The Spider King’s eyes widened, “O_O”. How to describe her? The waitress was a dark enchantress, radiating an aura that could corrupt the purest soul. Her ‘uniform’ was scandalous—a sinful collection of black leather straps and minimal chitin armour, strategically placed to both conceal and display. Two shimmering carapace cups barely constrained her bounty, while another small plate of polished exoskeleton guarded her lower treasures, though it revealed just enough to send imagination spiralling into the deep abyss of dark delights.
Very… Very Scandalous!
“Your meal is ready, chu-u~!” she announced, her voice laced with a dangerous sweetness. With an almost blinding smile, she placed a platter before him, the gleaming carapace lid catching the dim light like a trophy won from some forbidden conquest. “Behold! Our Spider MasterChef has truly outdone themselves, chu-u~! I present to you: the Ancient Centipede BroodMother Hermaphrodite Stroganov Delight! Chu-u~!!!”
With a flourish, she leaned way too low, way too seductively, revealing way too much of her ample bounty. His eyes widened as she removed the lid, presenting him with a true feast for the senses.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
Indeed, it was a masterpiece of a dish. The flesh was dark and glistening, pulsating with an inner life. The insect plating barely contained the succulent bounty, which threatened to spill over at any moment. A seductive scent of oil and spices tickled his nose, awakening a primal hunger within him. This was a delight he could not resist.
“Wh-what is this divine meal?” he stammered, torn between savouring the view and succumbing to the dish’s forbidden nature.
“Chu-u~?” She tilted her head, her eyes curious about his bewildered gaze. “It’s sautéed centipede segments infused with steamed mushrooms and forbidden sauce, chu-u~.”
The Spider King, eyes still wide, he didn’t know where to look anymore! When did the spiders have the idea to add such scandalous waitresses as staff?! Not that it was a bad idea… but…
“Ahem…” His mouth already watering, he tore his gaze away from her—difficult as that was—and finally looked at the dish for the first time. “Oh! So this is what the Spider MasterChef is capable of… I can’t believe something so deadly could become… this… This APPETISING!”
“Chu-u~? Oh, no, my King! You can’t go wrong with Centipede, it’s the finest delicacy! Mince it, mash it, boil it, squish it—always delicious, chu-u~!” Her eyes gleamed with passion as she extolled the virtues of insect flesh.
“I see… but what’s up with that cute ‘Chu-u~’ you keep adding randomly?”
“Chu-u~? What do you mean?” She blinked at him innocently… but also invitingly.
“Never mind…” His greedy fingers reached for the delight.
But she was faster. With a mischievous gleam, she pulled the tray back. “Oh no, no, no, chu-u~! Not so fast, my King! First…”
“???”
Her lips curled into a knowing smile as she struck an even more provocative pose, her voice dropping to a playful purr. “Before you feast on this delight, allow me to bless your meal. Chu-u~!”
She raised her hands over the dish and began a slow, sultry chant, each word dripping with exaggerated sweetness:
“With a sprinkle of magic, chu-u~!” Her slender fingers dusted the dish with glowing flakes of who-knew-what.
“And a dash of charm, chu-u~!” Her beaming smile was a definition of dark mischief.
"May this food be sweet and neat, chu-u~!" A wink sharp enough to pierce armour followed.
“A tasty treat that can't be beat, chu-u~!" She blew an air kiss that seemed to shimmer in the dim light.
“Eat! Consume! Devour! Chu-u~!!!”
The Spider King blinked, utterly in disbelief. “…I have no idea what just happened. But this dish… it looks ten times more tempting now!”
“Chu-u~! That’s the power of WaitressMagic!” She clasped her hands, practically glowing with pride.
Unable to resist any longer, he seized the bountiful delights right in front of him. His eyes widened as he sampled the dish. He was hit with that rich, soft smoothness which practically melted at the smallest of pressures – it was so juicy, so succulent! And yet, there was this joyful bounciness, the springiness and elasticity that popped out all filled with sinful spices.
“!!!” The utensil clattered from his hand as he staggered back in his seat. “Divine! Scrumptious! Delicious! There’s no way this is… this is not…!”
“But it is, chu-u~!” she chimed, bouncing her delights with glee.
The King leaned forward, his face a mask of rapture. “Help! I can’t stop! My hands… Ah!!! They’re moving on their own! This is too good! Amazing!!!”
“Ch-chu-uuu~!!!” The waitress jumped away from the Spider King and turned to address the room. “You heard the King! The Spider King himself approves this dish, chu-u~! Everyone, get it while supplies last!”
The room erupted into chaos, with patrons shouting for their waitresses, desperate to sample the new SpiderKing-Approved® (rights pending) dish. The Spider King, meanwhile, continued to gorge himself, lost in the sheer ecstasy of the meal.
…
Still enthralled in the decadent afterglow of his indulgence at SpideryDelicious™, the Spider King allowed himself a moment to savour the sight of his subjects revelling in their sinful meals. The atmosphere was thick with the alluring aroma of forbidden spices, the restaurant patrons immersed in their own gluttonous ecstasies.
“I really shouldn’t have called the waitress for that third helping... urgh.” He groaned, placing a hand on his abdomen, the weight of overindulgence dragging at his regal posture. “But, alas, duty calls. I must check on the Kobolds—surely by now, they’ve finished cleaning the slime and the lichen, and expanding the cavern.”
He shuffled out of the restaurant, his feet clicking against the cobblestones of the Drow UnderCity’s sprawling, shadowy streets. But as he turned a corner, his eyes narrowed, and his keen ear twitched at the unmistakable sound of a commotion.
“Washoi! Washoi! Washoi!”
The chanting echoed through the cavernous city like an otherworldly song, punctuated by the rhythmic padding of tiny feet. A procession of desert Fennec marched through the streets, their high-pitched voices chanting in unison. The Spider King’s brow furrowed—not just from the noise or disturbance but from the strange spectacle.
“Washoi! Washoi! Washoi!”
They paraded boldly, their large, fluffy ears bobbing with every chant, but it wasn’t their unbearably cute appearance that drew gasps from the onlookers. It was the thing they carried.
Above their heads, perched precariously in their tiny paws, was an enormous, scandalous, girthy object. The way it caught the faint light of the cavern was both dazzling and deeply, deeply disturbing.
“Washoi! Washoi! Washoi!”
The thing’s elongated, unmistakably suggestive shape gleamed in gold. Every curve, every detail, every… bulge was rendered with an artistry that could only be described as obsessively thorough.
The Spider King felt his fingers tremble. His otherwise stoic face cracked like thin ice. “What in the name of the Chaos is this obscene thing?!”
“Washoi! Washo—Oh! The Spider King!” One of the Fennec, a particularly wide-eyed specimen with super fluffy ears, turned to him, his cheerful voice utterly unbothered by the King’s outrage. “We were on our way to your palace. This saves us the trouble, yes-yes!”
The King’s eyes darted from the fennec’s innocent smile to the towering atrocity they held aloft. “You were going to parade… that thing … to my palace?!”
At his words, the procession halted. The Fennec all tilted their heads in perfect unison, their ears flopping like synchronized flags.
“Well, yes,” the fennec chirped, his tone genuinely perplexed. “Is there something wrong with our solid gold statue? It was carved meticulously to resemble the real thing! Did we miss some details perhaps?”
“Oh no, you didn’t miss details,” the Spider King spat, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “In fact, it’s disturbingly detailed! Too detailed! And did you say… solid gold?!”
The Fennec’s ears drooped further. “Y-yes?”
“How dare he, that scaly little noodle!” The Spider King’s fury erupted, his feet stomping as he paced before the bewildered procession. “First, the wyrmling dares to call himself a God Emperor. Now he commissions… this, this thing! A gilded monstrosity of his own… anatomy! That narcissist!”
Yes, the scandalous elongated thing was a statue of no one else but the little wirmling itself.
“But… but…” The Fennec whimpered, clutching the perfect Great Desert Whirling Statue tightly, as if its mere existence might shield them from the Spider King’s wrath.
“And now he dares infringe on my authority as a King!” the Spider King continued, gesturing wildly at the obscene idol of a scaly desert noodle. “I don’t make statues of myself, do I? Let alone statues of… of… solid gold!”
With trembling paws, the fennec took his paws off the statue to offer a leaflet, his oversized ears drooping so low they nearly brushed the ground.
“What’s this?” The Spider King snatched the leaflet and began to read, urgently scanning what looked like a doodle of a child.
===
Spiderish and not-so-spiderish, folks with a tail, with a claw, or with none at all—everyone and all are invited to my royal wedding. Yes-yes!
It happens soon, so you better not miss it. Or… Or else!
Meuw!
– The Great Desert Wyrmling, The Only and True Pharaoh of the Scorching Desert.
===
The Spider King’s voice rose with each word, his outrage exploding. “A wedding?! This youngling of a hatchling is getting married already? And to whom? Why am I only learning about this now?!”
Before he could demand answers, the Fennec stumbled under the weight of the statue. With a collective gasp, the procession lost their grip.
“…”
The solid gold monstrosity plummeted.
With an earth-shaking CRACK, it shattered the pavement and landed squarely on the Spider King’s toes.
“RHEEEEE!!!”
His screech echoed through the UnderCity as the Fennec scrambled back in panic.
The offending statue lay sprawled on the ground like a fallen god of bad taste, its gaudy form gleaming mockingly in the cavern light.