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I have been blessed by Chaos but all I want to do is chill on a farm
163 – All Things That Jiggle Have A Degree Of Lethal Charm

163 – All Things That Jiggle Have A Degree Of Lethal Charm

The sound of the gong called everyone for lunch. Oni, Centauri, Harpies, and even spiders rushed to get their food. The Spider King was no exception. The girls had promised him a dessert, though what exactly it was, he didn’t know. All he knew was that he was really looking forward to it.

Once he reached the dining room, the first thing he noticed was a metric cube of something blue and gelatinous, weighing down the table and jiggling ever so slightly. The second thing he noticed was his three special girls: the Centauri Champion, the Mer Princess, and the Forest Harpy. They stood by the table, fire burning in their eyes. They were playing a game similar to rock-paper-scissors.

“River!” the Mer Princess played scissors.

“Mountain!” the Centauri Champion played rock.

“Wing!” the Forest Harpy played paper.

“No!”, “Not another tie!”, “Hey!”

Thus they played another match. And another. And another. One victory was not enough, it seemed they were aiming for three points. But this game was unfair; the Forest Harpy had no hands and could only play 'paper'. The poor-poor harpy... The Spider King felt sorry for her. But perhaps he shouldn’t have...

“Mountain.”, “Mountain.”, “Wing.”

“Hey-Hey! I won again!”

“This is unfair. I demand a rematch!”

“You’ve cheated! I demand a rematch!”

The other two glared at the harpy, clearly not too happy about losing. The Spider King wanted to facepalm—how could they ever lose to a harpy? All she could play was Wing!

“Hey, a win is a win. And, hey, he’s here!”

The three lined up in front of the giant jiggling dish. They stood tall and proud, each bringing out their own special charm: lethal weapons were propped up to heighten the danger, feathers were puffed to give extra volume, and scales were glistening to steal his attention. The Spider King was lost! He didn’t know where to look! He settled on the gelatinous cube, its jelly trembling at his gaze. Gelatinous and bouncy, a metric cube of food.

The three girls pointed their hands, or wings, towards the trembling dish.

“We present to you,” the Centauri Champion began, but didn’t finish.

The Mer Princess spoke next, “The Proof of Affection.”

“Hey! A dessert made with our...” The other two smiled bitterly, their eyes on the Forest Harpy. “... ❤️ Love ❤️,” the harpy sent him a kiss.

Everyone looked in surprise. The kiss was a material thing! Red lips floating in the air, aiming for the innocence of the Spider King.

The Spider King, unfazed, caught the kiss and put it in his Inventory.

“Hey!” the harpy flapped in protest.

He ignored the harpy’s antics, his attention back on the trembling dish. “You’ve made this? Wow! I am amazed!” He poked it with a finger, making it sway and shake. Something was captivating, even charming, about the movements it made. “Hmm... The Proof of Affection, is that so?”

The Mer Princess gave him a loving smile, “Yes, it’s made out of your favourite ingredients.”

“Yes!” the harpy fluttered her wings. “I’ve laid the eggs... most of them. But hey! Each is a bundle of ❤️ Love ❤️.” The harpy sent another kiss, and straight into Inventory it went. “Hey! Stop doing it!”

“And I,” the Centauri Champion boomed with pride, “I gave my milk, every drop imbued with love... I mean Love. Huh? ❤️ Love ❤️!” She tried to send an air kiss, but it didn’t work.

“Hey! You’re doing it wrong. It’s ❤️ Love ❤️!”

...Straight into Inventory. The other two gave a jealous glare, envious of the harpy's skill.

“Wonderful!” he said, already looking forward to the dessert. “But, Day my maid, what ingredient did you add? I hope it’s not fish.” He hoped with fingers crossed.

“How dare you! No, it is something very special.”

“Special? What is it? Tell me.”

“I’m not telling, it’s a maiden’s secret.”

He looked at the other two. They smiled and shrugged.

“I see... Either way, it looks delicious.”

He cut a slice of the cube. To make one thing clear, it wasn’t jelly, it was more like chilled custard, but blue in colour—solid and quite wobbly nonetheless.

He tasted it, savouring the flavour. True to its name, it was filled with affection. The union of CentauriMilk and HarpyEggs was a holy matrimony of flavour. Sweet notes danced on his tongue, his mind filled with pleasant emotions, and his heart with warmth. It had creamy hints of bountiful clover fields, the rich freedom of the clear skies above, and the sweet depth of a blue ocean.

“Wa-wo-we-wa,” was his very nice reaction.

He ate one bite after another, each tasting better than the last. But a whole metric cube of dessert was far too much. And good things taste better when shared. Alas, neither Spiders (tomgrapetarian) nor Centauri (vegetarian) were very keen on such foods. So in the end he shared it with Oni Convicts. The gesture was so welcome, and the dessert that good, that the fight broke out...

...

At the calming reddish hues of the late evening, the Spider King sat at his office desk, deep in thought. DriderEggs were nice, but HarpyEggs... they were also nice. One was readily available, the other—not so much. With a nice flock of Harpies, he could enjoy delightful desserts daily. As such, and as always, life boiled down to food.

“And a King can’t go to battle on an empty stomach,” he reasoned with himself.

Now, taking in the Harpies just for their eggs was a flimsy reason. There were people, like his wife, who might misunderstand his good intentions. After all, much like the Lamia, the Harpies were an all-female race. So he had to think of other reasons besides their eggs.

“Well, they’re good scouts. We could use them to scout the Centauri territory,” he thought of a better reason. “And the grenade tests went well. They make for good Bombardiers.”

Yes, it was settled. He would take a nice flock of Harpies, where scouting and bombing would serve as his excuse. But no matter how good an excuse was, it was always wise to run it past trusted friends.

He found his maid, Day Sapphire, swimming in a large tank. A very, very large tank. Good for her! However, she wasn’t swimming idly; she had a job. Her task was to purify the water, her body infusing it with her essence.

A spider scuttled past him, carrying a pile of dirty dishes in its claws. It simply dropped them into her tank and scuttled away. There was a mountain of them at the tank's bottom. It seemed his maid was taking her dishwashing duties rather seriously.

The Spider King pressed his palms and face against the crystal glass, shouting into it to get her attention.

“Hey! We need to get more Harpies!” he opened, skipping any pleasantries and going straight to the point.

The mer swam to the edge of the tank, her gaze suspicious. “Oh? To get more eggs?”

“No... they are good for scouting. We need to secure the Centauri territory!”

“And also get more eggs, right?”

A spider climbed the steps towards the top of the tank, carrying a water jug in its claws. It filled the jug but not before taking a delightful slurp directly from the water. It clapped its mandibles with satisfaction and scuttled away.

“No...” the Spider King denied. “The Harpies proved effective as bombardiers. That’s why! Thats my reason!”

“And also, you want the eggs?”

Another group of spiders dropped a load of Convict Jumpsuits into the tank. The clothes spun in the water vortex the maid was regulating. Dirt and grime separated, only to be further purified by her magic. She was doing a splendid job!

“No...” He denied again, trying to ignore a little spider that was casually swimming in her tank.

“Really? I saw the way you look at them... The way they lay their eggs!” she accused, her eyes still suspicious.

“Huh! All lies! ... They’re just really great girls and would be perfect additions to our forces.”

He watched as another group of spiders used spidery treads to fish out the cleaned dishes and laundry.

“... And a perfect addition to your diner platter. No?” she asked, still suspicious.

“Okay! I admit it... I want their eggs. They're very delicious!”

“Hmm... That’s a perfectly normal reason. And their eggs are delicious. You should have said so from the beginning!”

“...”

“So when are we going? I’m tired of being the dishwasher.”

“And the laundry machine,” he added the unnessesary.

The Mer Princess, his maid, but also Dish-cum-Laundry machine, glared at him, anger bubbling in her industrial-sized tank.

...

Just as the Spider King was about to leave for the Harpy Village, a disturbance drew his attention.

A giant spider, a well-known legendary figure, was squaring off against a Centauri, a mare renowned for the lethality of her weapons.

“The only mount fit for the Spider King is a spider! It’s only natural,” the Spider Leader Jr. declared, its enormous body standing tall and proud.

“Nonsense! The Centauri are much quicker, and our backs are more comfortable,” the Centauri Champion neighed with passion, her lethal weapons swaying with resolve.

“I shall be his only mount! Just like the Warrior Leader before me! It is my duty!”

“No! You are too big, too bulky! There is no elegance in your form. But I… It’s as if my very body was made to carry him, to give our King a perfect ride.”

“How dare you! I’m the most handsome of spiders, and that is a fact! What’s so great about your frail, squishy body? You lack chitin, you lack mandibles. How can you even think of being a royal mount if you lack the necessary qualities? You simply can’t!”

“Frail? Squishy? You’re wrong! For the ride to be comfortable, it needs to be soft and elegant!” She puffed her chest, her weapons swaying proudly. “And, just so you know, he likes them a lot!”

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“Don’t swing your lethal weapons at me! If it's a fight you want, you’ll get one!”

“Finally, bring it on!”

“Then it’s a Duel!”

All the Spiders and Centauri gathered in the courtyard, each faction taking its side. It was decided that the two would duel, with the Spider King as the judge. This was not a race but a lance battle, a traditional Centauri method for resolving conflicts.The goal: to inflict the most damage in ten hits.

On one side stood the Centauri Champion, clad in heavy full plate armour. It was black, polished to a near-mirror finish, its glossy surface gleaming despite its darkness. She held a long lance, glaring at her opponent from the slit of her helmet.

Monster Race: Centauri

Variant: Champion

Magic Affinity: None

🐎

🏇🐴🏇

🤠

HP:250/250

MP:50

STA:250

Active Perks

[RelentlessCharge], [Trample], [OverwhelmingForce]

Passive Perks

[SwiftHooves], [AgileManoeuvres], [LanceProficiency]

Resistances

[DarkWeakness: Lesser]

On the other side stood the Warrior Leader Jr., also clad in heavy black armour, so dark it seemed to swallow the very light. In its claws, it gripped a long lance. From the slit of its spidery helmet, four yellow eyes burned like violent suns.

Monster Race: Primordial

Variant: Spider Warrior (Giant)

Magic Affinity: None

🕷️ 🕷️ 🕷️

🕷️ 👑 🕷️

🕷️ 🕷️ 🕷️

HP:5000

MP:200

STA:1000

Active Perks

[SLAM!], [Trample+], [Sweep+], [Regeneration], [EmpowerSpiders], [BodyShield]

Passive Perks

[Giant], [GreaterStrength], [IntimidatingPresence], [Leader’sAura], [ObsidianArmour], [GreaterVitality], [PerfectMount]

Resistances

[DarkResistance: Greater], [PhysicalResistance: Lesser],

[FireWeakness: Medium], [LightWeakness: Lesser]

The odds weren't in the Centauri Champions' favour, however, she stood ready for the Duel. The gong rang out, Gong!, echoing across the courtyard, signalling the start of the fight.

“[RelentlessCharge], [OverwhelmingForce]!” The Centauri Champion charged with all her might, her lance aimed with deadly precision.

“[Charge]!” The spider rushed forward, though not as swift.

In seconds, they covered hundreds of strides. Contact! The air itself seemed to explode under the sheer power of the collision. The two duelists now stood hundreds of strides apart again.

The crowd watched in disbelief. The Centauri Champion had not only evaded the spider’s lance, but she had also managed to strike a blow, dealing a staggering -1HP to the Warrior Leader Jr. It was unprecedented! The spider had taken damage! The Centauri erupted in triumphant cheers.

“1:0,” the Spider King announced, his voice echoing in the tense silence.

“Ha! First strike, Spider.” The Centauri Champion’s voice dripped with pride. “I hope you weren’t planning to intimidate me with size alone.”

“A lucky blow, Centauri!” The spider growled, its mandibles clicking with frustration. “Power isn’t always in the first hit.”

Gong! The gong rang out again, marking the start of the second clash. The two combatants lunged forward, but the Centauri Champion was already a blur of motion, her lance cutting through the air with lethal precision. Another hit. Another point. The crowd roared as the spider's massive bulk struggled to keep up, its counterattack missing wildly.

“Power?” the Centauri sneered. “You move like a boulder, clumsy and slow. No King wants to ride a lumbering beast.”

“I am a fortress, Champion.” The spider's voice trembled with barely controlled rage. “My strength is my shield.”

“But what good is a shield if you can’t even touch me?”

Gong! The gong rang once more, and the Centauri Champion moved with an elegance that seemed almost effortless, her agile body manoeuvring through the courtyard like a dancer. Her lance struck true yet again, a testament to her lance proficiency, the sound of impact explosive and decisive. The spider's counter? Slow, unwieldy, and far too late.

“Look at me!” the Centauri boasted, prancing in circles. “Elegant, swift. A King deserves to ride in style, with grace and nobility. Can you even gallop, Spider? Or do you just scuttle in the dirt?”

The Spider Leader Jr.'s chirp was filled with frustration. “I carry the weight of armies. My steps shake the ground!”

“Yet you can’t even shake me! Your steps don't have my charming sway!” she taunted.

Gong! The Centauri Champion moved with lethal precision, hitting her mark with ease. The spider counterattacked slugishly, barely grazing her armour.

“Do you know what it means to carry royalty? Comfort, Spider. Comfort!” Her tone was booming, infused with pride. “My back is soft, my stride smooth. No King wants to ride atop jagged spikes and hard chitin.”

The Spider Warrior snarled, its chirps defensive. “I am built for war! Kings need power, not comfort!”

“A ride fit for a King requires both!”

Gong! Another point for the Centauri Champion. Her swift hoves make it look effortless, while the Spider Warrior struggles to keep up.

“Speed, Spider! Speed! A quick rider is a deadly one. You’re slow and cumbersome. If the King needs to flee, you’ll get him killed before you even take a step.”

The spider bared its mandibles. “I am power incarnate! No one can break through my defences!”

“You mistake bulk for strength. It’s not about how much you can carry but how quickly you can act.”

Gong! The Centauri Champion circled the Warrior Leader Jr. like a predator, striking her sixth blow. The Spider's lance wobbled, missing entirely.

She stood proud, her lethality for all to see. “And then there’s this! The sway of my weapons, especially when they are unbound by armour! A King can ride into battle, and I will fight for him with lethal elegance. Can you do that, Spider? Can your strikes, the sway of your weapons, grab everyone's attention? Can you be the envy of the battle?"

Warrior Leader Jr. clasped the spidery mandibles, "My legs are many, my claws are sharp. I can fight in many lethal ways!"

“Then why haven’t you hit me once? Where is your battle grace? Where is your elegance? There is your lethal sway? You have none!"”

Gong! Her strike landed true, while the spider missed yet again. The spidery warrior was faltering, its once intimidating presence dimming with every missed strike.

"Your defence is falling, Spider. What if it was an enemy hitting our King? A King needs someone who can protect him. Thus you need a way to distract the opponent and make them miss. Just like I do with my LethalSway!

“…” The Warrior Leather Jr. seethed in silence.

Gong! The Centauri Champion’s next blow is precise, flawless. The Spider Warrior barely raised the lance in time, and missed once more.

"Spider, you think your size intimidates? No. What truly intimidates is charm under pressure. Look at you—flailing, desperate. Our King appreciates beauty and grace. He needs someone like me."

The spider chirped, growing desperate, "My size alone can strike Terror into the hearts of any foe! What use do I have for soft and squishy charms like yours?–None!"

"Fear is fleeting. No one wants to think of fear or remember it. But a perfect charm… It remains in the memory forever. Fear wins battles, but charm wins wars."

Gong! The ninth clash comes, and the Centauri lands yet another blow. The Warriror Leader Jr. stumbles, the once-spidery stance starting to falter.

"Nine strikes, Spider. Nine! Still think you're the best mount? The PerfectMount? You’re slow, cumbersome, charmless, and completely outmatched."

"I am... power... I…"

"You’re losing." She cut him off. "A King needs a mount who doesn’t just endure, but excels. I am that mount!"

Gong! The final gong. The Centauri Champion charged one last time. Her strike was perfect, her lance drove home with a final, explosive blow. The spider could barely lift its weapon, its entire body trembling under the weight of defeat.

"Ten strikes, Spider." Her voice was triumphant "You never touched me. I told you—you may be strong, but you lack grace, speed, and charm. The King deserves more than brute strength. He deserves a perfect ride–graceful and soft, speedy and precise, lethal and charming."

Warrior Leader Jr. bowed its head in defeat, "You... you are right. I cannot match your elegance. I cannot match your speed or control. I don’t have your lethal style. I see it now... the King deserves a mount like you."

The Centauri Champion stood tall, her chest swelling with pride. “Finally, you understand! I am the one who will carry the King into his spidery glory!”

The Spider King, bewildered, tallied the final score: “A perfect score, 10:0.”

The Duel was concluded.

The spider kneeled, the strength leaving its body. “It is my defeat... I am unworthy.” Its body began to glow faintly, purple light radiating from its chitin. “Take this... I don’t deserve it.”

“A PerfectMount?! I’ve obtained a PerfectMount!” the Centauri Champion exclaimed, her voice full of surprise and triumph. She galloped joyfully toward the Spider King, intent on celebrating in his embrace.

“!!!” the Spider King was almost knocked down by her lethal weapons.

The gathered crowd, both Spiders and Centauri alike, cheered. The duel was exceptional! Despite all odds, despite her low stats, the Centauri Champion claimed a perfect victory. Yes, she only dealt -10HP, but it was enough to prove her point. She celebrated giddily, the tight embrace of her weapons suffocating the Spider King.

However, not everyone took the defeat lightly.

The Warrior Leader Jr. slumped to the ground, its expression growing more depressed with each passing second. “I’m unworthy to be a mount…” The colour was draining from its obsidian armour, black turning to grey. “I have failed my spidery ancestors…” Flakes of chitinous armour fell from its body. “I might as well become dust…” The brilliant yellow of its eyes dimmed.

“[ShadowStep]!" the Spider King escaped the lethal danger. "No!” A gentle hand landed on the despondent chitin. “Warrior Leader Jr., you are still my royal mount!” he spoke softly, his words sincere.

“But… but I lost…”

“You might not be perfect, but I will ride you nonetheless.”

“???” The colour slowly returned to its chitin.

“Spider King? But I won this?” the Centauri Champion interjected.

“I will ride one for battle, when I need intimidating power and near-impenetrable defence. I will ride the other for lessure, when I need graceful speed and lethal charm. I am the King, why can’t I have two royal mounts? I can, and I will. Any objections?”

“Your wish is my command!” the spider perked up, its depression vanishing as if it had never been there.

“Your wish is my command!” the Centauri Champion parroted, though her chest deflated ever so slightly.

“Ah, but it would be unfair not to celebrate the victor. Centauri Champion, you proved your might and resolve. You persevered through this near-impossible challenge—no, you excelled. As long as it’s within my power, I shall grant you one wish.”

The Centauri Champion’s chest swelled with joy. “What? Really? Anything? Anything I want?”

“As long as it’s in my power,” the Spider King nodded.

“Finally! Finally, the day is here! My dream will come true.” She galloped in a circle, her movements filled with mirth and joy.

“This is so unfair…” the Warrior Leader Jr. grumbled under its mandibles.

[ChaosBlessed activated]

“Hehehe!” The Centauri Champion laughed, her laugh a bit unsettling, almost crazed. “It’s happening! It’s happening! Hehehe…” Her eyes began to border on madness.

Suddenly, The Spider King felt a shiver of dread. He had a bad premonition about this wish…