There in the courtyard, the Centauri girls looked at him with wide, starry eyes. He didn't know what the Centauri Champion had told them, but they clearly had very high expectations for him. They wanted a speech, and disappointing them was not an option.

And the spiders were in for it as well. They had already decorated the courtyard with the flags of the Spider Kingdom, and even built a stage for a royal address.

A tiny spider messenger, draped in exquisite blue cloth robes, burned a spidery scroll in its spidery claws, activating a Wind spell. It chirped with all the authority and fanfare it could muster, its tiny voice becoming a roar of a cannon.

"We present to you the Captain of the Galleon Whale; Rider of Warrior Leader Jr; Slayer of the Oberon Worm; Master of Darkness; Owner of Spider-Nom-Nomicon, the SoulWell and the Giant 'ENEMY' Spider. Ally of the Ancestral Forest; Sovereign of NewHope, NewGarden, WyrmCity and Spidery Outpost; King of Lamia, Kobolds, Draw, Dryads, DemiRabbits, Corrupt and Fallen Humans, and of course us Spiders; ruler of the Monster Realm, Chaos Realm and Spider Kingdom included; the one, the only, the true, the undefeated, the legendary, the spidery Spider King!!!"

Yeah... The announcement was too long and the titles too many, but from the looks of it, the Centauri liked it. The girls were clapping their hands as if their lives depended on it.

He stepped forward, giving them a politician's wave.

"Wow, what a lovely crowd. To think I would be welcomed so warmly. I don't deserve it. Thank you, thank you."

The herd settled, eagerly waiting for his next words.

"My fellow Centauri, let me tell you, you have the greatest mares of all the mares I know. The greatest! No one can match your speed, your courage, and the quality of your milk. You are simply beautiful! And your lethal weapons? Don't get me started on your lethal weapons. You are the envy of every other creature!"

The mares in the crowd were blushing, while others stood proudly with their chests puffed out.

"But folks, beauty aside, your beloved Centauri Castle, a symbol of your pride and greatness, has fallen into ruin. It's a sad sight, a disgrace to your heritage. But worry not, with the help of my spiders, we can restore it to its former glory. Together, we can make Centauri Castle great again! And the Oni will pay for it. We'll make them pay!"

Cheers and thumps of hooves erupted from the crowd.

"Remember, what was lost can be reclaimed. Your lands, your territories, and your pride. We will take back what is rightfully ours. The Oni will tremble at the sound of your hooves!"

More cheers.

"But first things first, we need to rebuild your economy. Your meadows are the best in the land, perfect for growing the most delicious crops. Let's make Centauri self-sufficient, the envy of the neighbouring kingdoms. You'll be so strong, so prosperous, that even the dragons will want to do business with you."

Even more cheers.

"And let's not forget about your unique talent, a gift from the gods themselves. A talent that no other creature can match. What is it? It's your milk! Your delicious, nutritious milk. Let's make Centauri the dairy capital of the world! Milk, baby, milk!"

The Centauri were like “...”

“So, let's get to work, Centauri! Let's make Centauri great again! Let's make history! Together, you and spiders, we can achieve anything. Believe me, it's going to be tremendous!"

...

He had made promises and now he had to keep them. Oddly enough, rebuilding the castle would be the easiest part; spiders were good at such things. However, for the Centauri to truly prosper, they would need more than just a castle.

That's why the Spider King was discussing this with the Centauri Champion, the two of them at the dinner table.

She arrived for dinner dressed to the nines, wearing a familiar blue dress embroidered with golden web patterns. It was a scandalous dress, with thin fabric, a revealing cut, and a tight fit; her lethal weapons were practically on display for everyone to see. Very... very intimidating.

Fearing total obliteration, the Spider King kept his eyes and hands busy by taking notes in the notebook entrusted to him by his irreplaceable assistant. She, the Drow Assistant, wasn't here, so he was taking notes for her.

"So we agree that the Centauri population will increase rapidly," he scribbled a number in his notebook.

"With the Fertility Potion, yes. With the Fertility Potion+..." she gave him a sultry smile he couldn't see. "... you can triple that number," she promised.

"No!!! The + variant is too dangerous!" he protested, crossing something down.

"How come? Last time I checked with Lady Crimson, it was perfectly safe." She retrieved a vial from her special holding space and placed it on the notebook's page. "This is the one, isn't it? Should I be concerned?"

He noticed the vial was half empty. "Why do you have something so dangerous?! No, forget I asked. It isn't dangerous for ladies, but for men... You have very few stallions in your herd, I imagine they would struggle with the demand. Potion+ would be a death sentence for them."

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

A hand took the half-empty vial and stored it securely. "Then you put it like that... I understand," she whined shyly, her face turning red like hot coals, but he was too preoccupied with the notebook to notice.

Wishing to steer the conversation back on track, the Spider King pressed forward." Anyway, with the growing Centauri population, you'll need more food. The castle is surrounded by lush meadows, so it would be easy to start growing something."

"But we already are growing something."

"You are?" Taking his eyed away from the notebook, he looked at her in surprise.

"Just wait for dinner to arrive, and then you'll see," she gave him a wink.

Speaking of the devil, a Servant Centauri, a girl he definitely recognized from somewhere, galloped into the dining room. She had a sour and somewhat defeated expression, carrying a large tray with a lid in her hands. Presumably the dinner. She set the tray on the table, gave a curtsy bow, and left without speaking a word.

"A knight I have demoted. Don't mind her," the Centauri Champion neighed, her hand already on the lid. "Ta-da! We even included some white meat. What do you think?"

He looked at the tray, his eyes inspecting the local food. There was a selection of dishes. He picked up the first dish. It was a bowl filled with some mush, white grains boiled to softness. Taking some, he chewed, savoring the flavor... Or rather, the lack of it.

"Mushy and bland... I don't like it." He gave his honest opinion, scribbling something in the notebook.

"No? Well, for flavor, you can add this. Here, just a few drops."

He dripped a few drops of the condiment onto the crumbly mush. The drops were dark like the night, almost looking like poison. The pristine white was tainted with black color, the black diluting into an ugly brown. Visually, the dish that was 3 points dropped to 2 points. And the taste...

"OMG!" He looked at the Centauri, his hand trembling and eyes filled with something hard to describe. "This is disgusting! So salty!"

"Huh? Really?" she tasted it. "No, I think it's alright. How about this one?"

"What is this? Mush triangles wrapped in leaves? I guess I'll try." He bit a chunk of it. "Tastes like weeds and poverty. Or is it wet cardboard..."

"Huh!? I guess you need some meat in it. Hmm, how about this," she pointed.

It was some random raw fish covered by mushy-mush and wrapped in yet another weed. Following the Centauri Champion's direction, he dipped the mush circle into the poison sauce and then it went into his mouth.

"Ohhhh!" he exclaimed.

"Is this it?! Finally!" she clapped her hands enthusiastically.

"No! This is dreadful, borderline inedible."

"Huh!!!"

"Who made this monstrosity, I demand to know!" He stood up, slapping his palms on the table.

"Well... It was your maid, we entrusted Day Sapphire with these dishes since she had the highest level in Cooking."

"Oh..." he sat right back down. "It makes sense why there is raw fish where it doesn't belong. To be honest, none of these look appetising to me."

"No? How about this one? You must try this one."

He tried a few more dishes, but in the end, all of them tasted like mushy-mush of poverty, wet cardboard, a white pile of nothingness, or a waste of time and energy spiced with a zest of rancid weeds. Dreadful, absolutely dreadful!

"I can't believe you were eating this." He scribbled something in the notebook angrily. "I wouldn't wish it for my biggest enemy..." He put the lid back onthe tray, sealing this disgrace forever.

"I really thought you would enjoy our local cuisine, but I guess our tastes are just too different," she neighed.

"I guess so..." His disappointment was immeasurable, and his dinner was ruined.

"However," she smiled, puffing her weapons proudly, "There is a dessert! Something special just for you," she beamed him a perfect smile.

"Really!?" He stood up excitedly, looking all around.

"Yes!!! Fresh Cream CheeseCake! Made with love by yours truly. And stop looking around, the cake is right here."

It was hard to describe or explain where she pulled it out, but she did. He looked at the superior dessert with ever-increasing hunger.

"Go ahead," she encouraged.

Forsaking sticks, spoons, or forks, he ate with his bare hands! Like a famished beast, he devoured the cake, taking greedy chunks of it. Within seconds, the cake was demolished. The Spider King looked at his Centauri Champion with teary eyes.

"Thank you! This was beyond delicious!!!"

"Oh? I have some leftover Cream Cheese in my room, if you're interested that is?"

"Say no more! Let's go!!!"

...

Some time later.

The Spider King was walking around, his eyes fixed on the Oni captives. Naturally, they were the ones who ruined the castle, so they would be the ones who would fix it.

The Oni were clearing the rubble and sweeping the ground. Surprisingly, they were very well-behaved, obedient even. They didn't groan or complain, actually, they worked rather quickly. Or maybe there was no surprise at all, after all, the spiders were there to set a good example.

But they did look poorly, as if afflicted by a terrible disease. Their faces were pale, their hands trembling, their foreheads drenched in sweat.

The Spider King observed with worry. He couldn't allow a disease to break out. The longer he was there, the more their condition worsened.

Suddenly, a vaguely familiar centauri, the girl he had definitely seen somewhere before, slammed an oversized gong.

"Lunch time," she shouted.

Well, luckily the Spider King was spoiled by a certain centauri not so long ago. He wasn't hungry. And the gong was for captives anyway. Oni captives swarmed towards a gigantic pot, that familiar centauri was serving something there. The Spider King approached the pot, curious about their meal. Alas, it was that...

"Mushy-mush! How dreadful..." he frowned at the sight.

The gigantic pot was filled with that flavorless grain of poverty, boiled to a consistency of mushy wet cardboard. This was a war crime! And likely the reason why the Oni looked so pale.

"Don't feed them that!!!" he protested.

"But..." the centauri flailed her spoon in confusion.

"Are you trying to poison them?"

"What? No... But, this is..."

"Stop this torture at once. We've brought plenty of tomgrapes, give them that. Spiders, help her!" he istructed.

The spiders mobilized to snatch the bowls straight out of the hands of the Oni. Soon they were bestowed with a tomgrape each.

Unsurprisingly, the Oni looked at the tomgrapes with skepticism, some even grumbled in dissatisfaction. Fools! They will learn the glory of the tomgrape!

"Eat!" the Spider King commanded.

The Oni ate, their expressions going through all seven colors of the rainbow. Some cried, some laughed, some dropped to their knees to pray to some unknown deity.

The Spider King went back to the centauri by the pot.

"Am... Am I demoted again?" she whined with worry.

"Huh? No. I am here to dispose of this cursed food. [Disintegrate]," he turned the white mushy-mush mush into dust.

"!!!" the centauri reacted with shock and horror.

"From now on, this demonic crop is forbidden, get rid of it."

"But..."

"No buts! Destroy it all! ... Oh, but perhaps it's a job too big for a single centauri, sorry for that." He realized that he should delegate thid task appropriately, so he turned around to address the spiders. "Spiders, Disintegrate this evil crop, cleanse this castle of this evil affliction."

The centauri looked at the dust in her pot, her expression complicated.

"I will be definitely demoted for this... again..." she whined in a whisper.