The forest-kun perimeter has been breached, I repeat, the forest-kun perimeter has been breached! Or so the tale goes.
After I showed Grom to the river, we followed it for a time and it grew wider and deeper as we went. I tried to raise my dexterity by skipping from stone to stone when the river was still shallow and narrow, but I ended up slipping and drenching my tooshie in the cold waters of river-chan.
”It seems like that's the road up ahead.” I remark to Grom. My wet bottom has mostly dried, but my pride is still in soggy pieces along with my puffdaddy. That's why I'm currently hiding inside the big black cloak, the hood shielding me from the evil world out to make me trip and get wet and look inelegant.
We walk out of the forest by crossing over some shrubbery, ending up on a nice, flat unadulterated vanilla road without evil traps. It's just a wide strip of dirt with tracks going in either direction, but it's still a lot better than the forest floor with its innumerable devilishly ingenious traps designed to trip me up and make me look inelegant. I can't count on my hands the amount of times I got caught in stupid thorny bushes or walked into a low branch. The forest dungeon was a tough obstacle indeed. By the way, forest dungeon is not a metaphor for a 70's hippie downstairs bush, okay? Goddamn it!
Even if I was a clutz in my last life, which I definitely wasn't, okay? I've still raised my base dexterity quite a bit from eating soldiers at the all you can eat buffet, goddamn it!
That's why... I should be elegant. Why am I not elegant!?
For now, I'm going to pretend to be a sith in my big black cloak, and walk beside Grom like I am Darth Sidious and he is a blocky, bearded Darth Maul. With this, I should be able to recover some of the coolbeans which river-chan so cruelly stole from me in the cold baptism of my booty, how rudy!
We walk for some time on the road without meeting anyone, but as soon as we reach the fork in the road up ahead and turn down an even wider road, we start encountering pedestrian traffic. Thanks to my Raven-chan GPS I knew to turn left, so we reached the city gates with no incident save for my wet bottomed river escapade and a few close scrapes with some angry Nigel Thornberry bushes.
Smashing!
To my left and right are green, yellow and purple fields. Some fuwafuwa fluffy sheep occupy a spot right up close to the road. I resist the urge to go over and bury my face in their wooly woolies. We are being watched by the people on the road so I have to restrain myself. It might be a good thing to not motorboat the wooly fluffballs, since I've heard that sheep can get quite oily and dirty underneath the wool coat.
Still, it's hard to believe that beneath that fluffy white cotton candy exterior lies a slimy interior. No, no, I refuse to believe it! Burying my head in the fluffiness is definitely fine, you know? But... I have to reign in my odd inclinations lest I cause us undue inconvenience by appearing mentally unstable. Yup, I'm definitely normal, and sheep are walking fluffy cotton candies and not oleaginous at all, okay? Goddamn it!
We have to wait in line behind some carriages, caravans, a few simple carts with some goods and a bunch of people on foot. This place is quite different from Lintball, since Lintball didn't have a wall or anything to protect it save for a stinkin' horde of undead.
I try to remain inconspicuous by standing stock still like only an undead can, since I heard that people's eyes are drawn to motion, so surely not moving should increase my stealth skill to level 1 and help me shadowmeld into the background as a phantom wraith or something. Ultimate cloaked loli stealth-mode, activate! Hnng!
Unfortunately it seems like my plan has backfired. I am wearing a big black cloak and it's a crisp spring day with brightly colored fields surrounding us. Apparently, a black cloak set against a colorful background like that has caused some minor consternation amongst the rabble gathered before the mighty loli of death. **Cough**Cough **
Perhaps that's why we're being watched by the city guard in addition to the slightly wide-eyed occupants of the cart in front of me... I don't know. I hope they are just looking at Grom, since he is a huge block of meat and his beard moves with the occasional breeze, which is honestly kind of hypnotizing, like swoosh. But still, the two kids on the farmer's cart in front of me look kind of terrified of me. How foolish! This Alyce-chan shall crush your timorous hearts beneath her feet! Fuhaha. Ahen.
After seeing other people, mostly humans, I can confirm that Grom is huge. Still, most of dubious stares seem to be directed at me and not the abnormally large dwarf with the glowing blue sword. What injustice is this!? I am definitely not a shifty woman, alright?!
Just as I'm thinking about moving around to seem more human, I spot a group of guards making their way down the line towards us. Furrowing my brow, I reach up to remove my hood, but a voice from behind makes me jump and temporarily abort the de-hooding process.
”Hey, you two!” A young boys voice calls and I turn around. Before me is a sleek black carriage with a caboshed golden lion symbol on its side. It's made of some shiny metal, and the lion's eyes are set with what looks like emerald gemstones.
I feel a disturbance in the cliché.
A boy of around 12, with freckles and blonde super ikemen hair that swishes across his forehead has stuck his head out of the carriage window and is looking at us with wide, glistening emerald eyes not unlike those gem-eyes of the lion adorning the carriage.
”Are you guys adventurers?” He calls, excitement clear in his light, highly strung voice.
”My lord, you shouldn't mingle with commoners.” An olden voice reprimands from within the carriage.
”But that big guy has a glowing blue sword! And isn't that small, cloaked figure mysterious. He looks like he could be my age!” The strange boy calls, almost shaking with enthusiasm. His bright-eyed, bushy-tailed ebullient nature is most adorbz indeed.
”Or, they could be an overgrown dwarf accompanied by a halfling of some sort. My lord, this is exactly why you should attend the academy. You lack real world experience and common sense.” The dignified butler-like voice says.
A halfling? How rude. I am in my growth-phase, you know!
In any case, as fascinating as these two strange people's conversation is, my attention is stolen by the encroaching guards and I turn back to face them. They approach us with hands on hilts, their eyes narrowed at Grom and I as though we are suspicious people. The audacity!
”Gentlemen, a word if you will.” The guards say in a harsh voice, brooking no argument. Che…. What did we do to be suspected like this!? It's preposterous. We're definitely not nefariously slithy people, okay? Goddamn it!
”What may we help ye with.” Grom says, his tone casual. I'm sweating bullets though, phantom sweat of course since I am undead, and undead no sweat! But that still doesn't diminish the severity of my phantom sweat in the least, you know?
If I'm discovered as an undead I will be hunted down like a monster. I don't want that, please exempt me from the witch hunt. Although I'm actually a witch, fuhaha. A fire witch even, so go ahead and burn me, I can take it! ファイヤー ファイヤー ！！！
”We received word that some suspicious people were queued up in line to enter Weimar.” A guard says. He's wearing leather-armor and has a sword and a gleaming buckler strapped to his belt, while a bucket-like helmet covers his head, obscuring his features. But his voice sounds relatively young even though it's made kind of tinny by the helmet he's wearing, so who knows?
I have a weird feeling in my tummy that any moment now, the guard will glitch through a wall and go 'stop right there criminal scum' and force us to pay an exorbitant fee lest we be thrown in jail.
Maybe if I click him a few times he will tell me that he used to be an adventurer like me, until he took an arrow to the knee. I must avoid that at all costs. Let's not click the guard even once, un.
”I be Gromnir, an adventurer. I come bearing grave news.” Grom says.
”If you come bearing grave news, then why didn't you skip the line and call us over?” The guardsman responds. I nod in agreement.
...
”He does have a point Grom.” I reply, and all eyes turn to me. I guess I do have a cute voice due to the legendary vocal cords I crafted using flesh manipulation, and they probably did not expect a cloaked figure to sound like a little girl, tehehe.
The return of the tehehe has me all giddy and excited, but I repress my urge to squirm and squeal in turkish delight.
Grom half turns and glares at me from the corner of his eye. I shrug innocently and remove the hood from my face. ”My name's Alyce. This one is currently accompanying me on a trip.” I say, gesturing to Grom, who frowns. ”I'm not an adventurer myself, but I ran into this fellow on the road and he offered to escort me for a price. He's definitely a genuine adventurer and we do have some pretty grave news to relay.” I say, my eyes almost glistening.
I resist the urge to puff out my non-existent chest with pride at my own magnificent performance and fufufu as I await being showered with praise for my immensely skillful subterfuge.
It's time for the legendary loli legerdemain!
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Although if my subterfuge is amazing, they won't know that my performance is magnificent because they would've been lead astray by my masterful deceptions and thus, they wouldn't even know to praise me. Ah, the dilemma!
Things don't go the way my definitely sane and not at all delusional mind thinks it will go. Instead, all of the guards and the people waiting in line close to us, simply stare at me with their mouthes hanging open as though to catch flies. I didn't even have to flash them my magnificent washboard chest to make them like that... At least respond to my ludicrous level loli legerdemain! Uguu!
After awhile of being stared at in gawping silence, I cannot overlook their insolence any longer!
”What's the matter everyone?” I ask, tilting my head to one side.
”A high elf with demon blood? Or a demon with high-elf blood?” One of the guards mutters to himself. ”A high-elf outside the inner sanctuary forest is rare enough as it is, but this...”
”I am neither a demon, nor a high-elf!” I say, taking a step towards the guard muttering to himself. A ripple moves through the crowd. Ah, it seems we've gained an audience. I lose myself in the moment and raise my hand to the skies in the supreme chuuni pose, preparing to announce to the world the greatness of the overloli.
”Listen well, plebeians! I am -mmmmffhfpph” Grom covers my mouth with one of his huge hands. I struggle free from the hairy hamfist and glare up at him ”Jeez you oversized meat pie, what was that for?” I say, pouting up at Grom in dissatisfaction. How dare he ruin my debut!
”You were about to reveal yourself Lady Alyce. Didn't I say ye shouldnae do that?” Grom says as if he's explaining a fundamental thing to a dimwitted child. But I'm definitely not a dimwit nor a child, okay? Goddamn it!
I stamp one small foot on the ground. ”Hmpf, so you say. Perhaps you're right... but still, I'm not used to being so restricted. I guess it can't be helped since I'm travelling incognito.” I say. In my mind, I am once more praising myself since no one else will. Grom is doing good with the roleplay too, but it seems like I will have to become a noble lady for some reason. Of course, Alyce-chan's heart is already noble, so it is only natural that I should become a noble lady, you know? Being a patrician is but a trivial challenge for the great overloli!
Before me, the guards shuffle uneasily for a time until the original buckethead guard steps forward and addresses me with a short bow. Fortunately the guard does not seem to be inclined towards the stop right there criminal scum route, but I still have to be wary of the knee-kun boss – since that terribly traumatic thing can appear out of nowhere like lightning from a clear sky. Yup, caution is definitely warranted when it comes to the knee-kun boss, so I will not click the guards. Not even once. I won't even hover my mouse over them just in case my hands slip. By the way, mouse is not a sexual innuendo, alright? Ahen. But well, Alyce-chan keeps her mouse firmly hidden in her pants. She won't hover it over the guards... regardlessly.
”My lady, please excuse our rude behaviour. We do not get many from the Eldritch races out here, much less one of such high standing, so we do recognize that our reception may be lacking.” Guard-kun says, sounding rather formal. He has good manners for a mere gate-guard and seems to have adjusted perfectly to the situation.
Strange, I don't feel like I'm emanating a ladylike aura, but perhaps I am? Or maybe he's just being nice and playing it safe just in case I actually am a noble lady? Surely it can't be this easy to trick everyone into thinking I'm a noble, right? I thought I would have to at least expend a little bit of effort in propping myself up as a noble.
Hmm. Maybe it's natural for the hoi polloi to address the great overloli with such effusive punctiliousness, given how great I am. Fufu, yes, that must be it, lick my feet!
Ahen.
For some reason, the audience observing our little exchange is completely silent and holding their breath. I don't see any race other than humans present here, so perhaps that's the reason for their strange behaviour? Or maybe I'm just too cute? It could be that. Let's go with that.
”It's fine. I didn't expect to receive this kind of welcome either since I was attempting to travel surreptitiously. Being who I am in these lands so far from my home, I saw fit to hide myself.” I respond. The guardsman nods.
”My lady, I believe in the wisdom of your decision. However, with the recent suspicious activities near the shore and the reports of undead and strange winged demons roaming the lands and doing unspeakable things to young virgins, we have to be vigilant.” The guard explains, his voice somehow apologetic.
”I understand. In fact we may know the source of the problem.” I say, but in my mind I am thinking about the winged rape monster the guard spoke of. There's no way it's Zan, right? Although I did tell him to go have fun... and he did fly off like a dart... oh dear.
”If that's so, we would be in your dept. Still, we have to perform the routine checks to make sure you're not just an undead in disguise trying to infiltrate the city.” The guard says. Grom and I glare at him, and he raises his hands defensively. ”O-of course I don't believe the ladyship or her escort is involved in anything like that, but it's our duty as guards to-”
Suddenly, the young boys voice interrupts the guard. ”I'll vouch for them.”
I look back to once more find the boys head poking out of the carriage window. His eyes meet mine, and they widen as he gasps. I smile and wink at him before turning back to the guard, who in turn looks at the carriage with a sigh. ”This humble guard welcomes the Corneliáves house to Weimar.” he says with the echo of an exasperated sigh, bowing even lower than when he was faced with me. Now that I think about it, buckethead looks more like a gangly teenager than a rugged veteran guardsman with a strange proclivity for expounding on wounded knees.
I turn back to the carriage and the boy and raise my eyebrows in question. His eyes light up, and his head disappears from the window. ”My lord, you musn't!” The butler yells, but despite the man's efforts to restrain the boy, he explodes out of the carriage and lands on the dusty road in rather theatrical fashion, flaring his arms out and assuming a bent T pose as though he's waiting for applause. Judging from the reactions of the crowd, this is not the first time he has done this.
A few commoners in the line snicker at the boys odd behaviour, but I find it rather fetching. He's cute with his blonde hair, freckles and gleaming green eyes, but honestly I think I like him because he's a bit whacky like me. By the way, I am definitely not a shifty shotacon woman, okay? Goddamn it!
The boy hasn't moved from his strange pose yet and the commoners are getting restless, waiting for something to happen. Hmm. It is up to the great overloli then.
”Aah, you amateur!” I shout, making a few people jump. One guardsman accidentally drops his sword on the ground and tries to pick it up casually. However, his comrades notice his mishap, laughing and slapping his shoulder.
Most people are still observing the strangely behaving noble cautiously though, so it seems that commoners and nobles have that kind of relationship even in this world. Of course, I am neither a noble nor a commoner so I don't really care.
With this, the surroundings have been sufficiently distracted and the boy's emerald eyes are still looking at me. Quickly, I throw off the black cloak and jump forward, landing in front of the T-posed boy.
I look at him seriously for a moment and our eyes meet. His face is getting red, so maybe he has to fart. I quickly proceed with my plan since I don't want the cute boy to be embarrassed in public.
”Watch closely now, you amateur.” I say. I am hardly cognizent of the completely silent surroundings, though I do get the sense that a few people are staring at us with dislocated jaws. I resist the urge to scream 'Do you want to scoop the ground up with those low-hanging jaws?' If no one is going to tsukkomi me, I have to do it myself, you know? Still, what a sad state of affairs.
Clearing my throat, I start strong by mesmerising my audience with the walk like an egyptian dance, then I twirl around like a ballet dancer, but it makes me dizzy so I have to stop because I don't want to fall. Of course, I end strongly too with an epic double dab to the left and right. I then take one step back and take a stance similar to the boys T pose, awaiting the omnifarious praises no doubt about to be heaped upon me for my daring, groundbreaking performance. But...
Hmm, what should I say about the reaction?
Profound silence.
It's so deathly quiet you would be able to hear a melty jelly drop to the ground in a sea of goop and precisely pinpoint the location!
I tried hard to find a haystack-like metaphor pertaining to my fleshly inclinations, okay? Goddamn it!
Suddenly, I hear a loud smack and look up to see the boy holding his head. Behind the boy there's a very tall, thin grey haired gentleman with a long, angular face that exudes butlerliness, scowling severely down at the blonde haired noble boy.
”Ugh Sebastian what was that for?” The boy says, pouting but then his eyes fall onto me and they widen before he hurriedly looks down again. He must find the ground very interesting, but I don't see anything of note. It's just a dusty dirt road. Perhaps he is looking at his shoes to see if they got dusty? Or perhaps he is embarassed that his butler's name is Sebastian. It seems all butlers have to be named Sebastian nowadays for some reason. Maybe it's so voice actors can say 'Sebas' in a cool, deep manly Japanese voice after their work is adapted to anime.
Though the boy is holding his head and looking down, I can safely say his face is nearly completely red like a raunchy tomato because the redness has radiated to his ears, making even his earlobes a bright scarlet. His bum must be in truly grave peril if he is turning tomato juice red from just trying to hold it in. I must hurry up and help him let the fart out before he explodes.
Speaking of tomato juice, when I was menstruating for the first time, I definitely did NOT run towards the boys in my class with a tampon saying 'do you want to drink my delicious tomato juice?!'
I definitely did NOT do that, okay? Goddamn it!
Ahen.
We are surrounded by people and it would no doubt be bad for a noble's image if he passes gas in public, thus my assistance may be required to diffuse the situation.
I feel something strike the back of my head and staggering forward, I nearly lose my balance. Instead of tumbling to the ground immediately, I manage to stabilize myself in a controlled stumble.
Come on, legs! Work! But alas, it was not fated to be.
I fail and trip over my feet, falling forward like a log, the boy is directly in my path like an unfortunate woodsman that didn't hear the word timber.
The blonde boy looks up and his eyes go wide as he sees me falling towards him. With impact imminent, I strive to avoid hitting his stomach because I am very considerate of his rectal requisitioning, although I thankfully don't have the bum perils anymore.
I hold my arms out to the side. Unfortunately... he does the same. We smack our foreheads together as I land on top of him. Our noses touch and our lips are mere inches apart.
Double plus profound silence.
Then... the only sound I can hear is the boy breathing. Before me, my entire world is consumed by his huge, round emeraldine eyes and his lips that pout slightly.
So delicious! And his scent is so sweet too! I want to eat him. But he is alive and not dead, so what's going on?
If I move even just slightly, it feels like things will go wrong. He might try to kiss me as I eat his face, but gosh those freckled cheeks really look delicious, I want to add them to the Alyce-chan special! Or perhaps I should savor them slowly as sashimi?! I get doki doki excited for a moment thinking about it.
He is also frozen in place and my desire to suck his delectable looking cheeks off of his face and gobble them down with a shot of his blood, has reminded me of Frank's cannibalistic tendencies. This puts a damper on my own hunger for the moment – though it remains as a slow burn in the background. Perhaps boner-kun soup wasn't enough to satiate my tummy today?
Still, what a dangerous thing! No wonder they don't want undead rambunctiously wandering their town. Too bad for them though, since Alyce-chan the undead super loli spy shall infiltrate their settlement regardless of their wishes, wahaha!
Behind us, the butler and Grom simultaneously clear their throats and I hurriedly jump up and scramble away from the boy, realizing that I was about to embark upon a path from which there is no return. Eating the dead is fine since they're already dead, but eating the living?
Hmm.
Hmmmm....
Although I know it's wrong to eat the living, in my head it doesn't feel wrong. It feels like... drool and om nom.
As I get to my feet, my heart phantom pounding in my chest, I look down at the still paralyzed boy who has yet to get up. Having reigned in my desire to eat the boy's face, I notice that he still isn't moving and his eyes are closed.
Perhaps the hero of holding-it-in fought so hard in the battle of the bum that he ended up fainting. But if so, he should've let the fart out... Since he hasn't done that, it's only fair to assume that the boy hasn't lost consciousness.
Of course, my expert level Sherloli holmes deduction is confirmed when the boy's clenched fists tremble slightly. Ah his face is still quite red, I have to do something soon.
I glance back at Grom, who for some reason looks ashamed of himself. Even though I was so happy that he finally slapped me... he has no reason to feel shame, does he? Perhaps he is wracked by feelings of guilt for omitting the nandeyanen after the tsukkomi slap. Ah, but he still owes me a slap from back then too... how can I get him to slap me more?
That is something to ponder for later. Right now, I have to take care of this situation since there's a crowd of people just staring at us. Actually, it's quite uncomfortable to be stared at like that, even for me, and I am definitely not an exhibiitionist, you hear me? I... I never did suspicious things in public in my last life, okay? Goddamn it!
The gaze of the crowd weighs heavily upon me as I nod resolutely in Grom's direction before turning back to the boy writhing about on the ground. I pick him up and haul him into the carriage. Although the step-up into the sleek black and gold carriage is rather high up off the ground, my legs have a knee-joint unmolested by stray arrows, so it isn't too troublesome for me to do some knee-bending and ascend to level two even though I am carrying the boy in my arms.
If it was a fully grown man or the oversized Grom, I'm not sure I would be able to so adroitly handle the meatbag, but since wacky noble-kun is only about 12, I pass the meat handling test with flying colours.