I open my eyes, at first thinking that I am back home at my parents house and that our family dog is being naughty and licking my feet. Molly would often do that on those lazy sunday afternoons when I was still in bed reading and drinking hot cocoa.

But I am not at home, you know? And I am not my old self. Right now I am a freshly baked Alyce-chan on an adventure in another world, seemingly locked in a struggle with an angry boner trying to kill me and my friends...

So why on earth does it feel like my feet are being licked?!

I open my eyes.

I can see the red dawn through the canopies above, and the birds are just starting their trilling song.... and my feet are still being carefully licked by a slightly rough and very lively tongue. I wonder what kind of stupid animal is attacking my feet?

Taking care not to give myself away, I stealthily raise my head to check out what is going on.

My socks and shoes are off, and Tie'sha is going to town on my feet, licking my sole, the top of my foot and even between my toes. It tickles a little bit, but I resist the urge to wiggle my toes and giggle. Instead, I lower my head back down and try to sleep, maybe this is another weird dream. It should go away if I try to sleep and ignore it, right?

I close my eyes really tight and hnnng, trying to go back to sleep, but it's not working... the bird song is getting louder...

Just what the hell is my minion doing?

Tie'sha continues unabashedly attacking me. Aaah, I can't take it any more, it tickles and what the hell why are you doing something so embarrassing, stupid maid minion?!

With a sigh I raise my head again. I just stare at Tie'sha, who is looking at me with shock, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly open with some drool dripping down. Her cute fluffy animal ears are twitching slightly. In this situation, there is only one option. Therefore, I take sente and initiate the attack!

“Neverending Nugi-nugi whirlwind!” I shout, throwing myself at Tie'sha. Once I've managed to lock my body around her, I nugi-nugi the living daylights out of her fluffy, sensitive ears. Let's ignore her moaning and heavy breathing because although my minion is most assuredly a lesbianism in the closet, I am definitely not, okay? Goddamn it!

Once I have defeated the Tie'sha, leaving her in a panting heap on the ground before me, I let rip a double peace, but still no ahegao because I am not an animal ww.

I briefly consider stepping on her face and talking down to her, but at this point that might be a reward for my strangely perverted maid since her operating principle seems to be toes before hoes. So instead of gratifying her fetish by stepping on her head, I just put my socks and shoes back on and clear my throat.

“So, have you learned your lesson?” I ask. Tie'sha lowers her head, her face becoming red.

Cute animal ears, fluffy tail! Okay, I will forgive you this once.

“Good good. At least you chose to commit the deed when the others were asleep. It is good that you are stealthy since I am a master of stealth and subterfuge and subtlety, so it would be no good if my minion wasn't proficient in the art as well.” I say.

Delivering my final blow, I pat her head and say. “They say dogs take after their masters, after all.”

“My... my lady, I'm not a dog.” Tie'sha says in a small voice.

“I know, but you're not that different either. I had a dog once that used to lick my feet when I was sleeping in bed, so you reminded me of that. Why were you... doing such an embarrassing thing anyway?” I ask, tilting my head innocently even though I now know that my maid is a Lez luthor. After all, I caught her red-handed. I finally have proof. Irrefutable proof!

“Uhm, you see... there was a scratch on your feet that kept bleeding, so I had to... you know... make sure it didn't get infected... ye-yes, that's it! So you see, I had to do it.” Tie'sha says, her hands playing with the hem of her skirt as she averts her eyes.

Lightning strikes me and my mouth opens and closes soundlessly. I am surely making a dumbfounded expression right now. Aah! I was so close to finally nailing Tie'sha down as a lesbioid but now I am not sure! After all, she was just doing her duty as my minion and keeping her master safe and sound. It was only natural... But...

“If you were just cleaning a cut, why didn't you stop sooner? it was super embarrassing you know?” I ask.

Tie'sha looks panicked for a moment, but then she clears her throat and faces me honestly. “Actually... your feet... tasted... like... candy... I'm sorry!” Tie'sha says, bowing her head with a bright red face.

“Uuuh... that's very embarrassing, but I'll forgive you this once since you're my minion.” I say, but inside I am burning up. Of course, it was partly my fault! After all, I am a very sweet (33 year old) loli *cough*

But why? Could it be that I got some sort of strange new external type of diabetes that makes my skin taste sweet? Since I am an undead and I don't pee, it makes sense? Agh, I don't know! Besides, I only ate a little bit at the Corneliáves house... okay, I ate a lot, but what of it!?

Suddenly, my eyes darken and I tighten up my expression.

“My lady, what's wrong?” Tie'sha asks, fear in her voice.

“I just remembered a great travesty.” I say and Tie'sha nods gravely. “Yes, the sacking of Weimar was quite the ordeal, but through the fire and flames we survived. Again thanks to you.” Tie'sha says.

“Sure sure, that was troublesome, but the problem is that I don't know if the honeycake chef survived. And what about the candy apple merchant? Did they make it out? No... no I refuse to believe that they died! Of course they made it out, why, if we follow River-chan upstream we will surely reach their campsite and I will be able to eat candy apples again, right? Right Tie'sha?” I ask, my eyes slightly wet. However, I somehow manage to hold the tears.

Tie'sha has a strange, conflicted expression on her face, but before she can answer me, loud grumbling reverberates throughout the campsite.

“Why the bleeding arse be ye shoutin' so feckin' loud early in the morning!” Grom shouts, sitting up from where he was sleeping underneath a tree. A few leaves got stuck in his beard and he is picking them out one by one, a sour expression and a frown on his face. He is perfect, so nice and awesome, a grumpy cursing dwarf, truly amazing.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“Why... why are ye smiling like that lass? It's creeping me out.” Grom says, flicking the last leaves out of his beard and dusting himself off.

“Didn't you also just shout?!” I ask, even as the others are waking up. The kids we saved. I wonder if any of them can make honeycakes. If they can't, we could just dispose of them to make traveling faster. That way, I can get to a place that has honeycakes faster. Ah but that's no good, is it?

Ahen.

“My smile is perfectly normal, you know?” I say, looking around at the fledgling adventurers still rubbing sleep out of their eyes. “See? Isn't my smile fine? There's nothing weird about it right? It's just the smile of a cute loli.” I say, and there is a moment of silence.

Then someone whispers “Hey Riv, what is a loli?” The red-haired boy asks. A blackhaired girl shrugs.

“Ye, yes, your smile is fine.” They say in unison. Grinning, I turn back to Grom and puff my chest out, triumphant, victorious as usual, fufufu.

He has the gall to ignore me and walk away towards a distant bush. “Oi, where are you going meatpie? I am not finished yet!”

“Takin a piss! Leave off it lass. For fucks sake...” Grom grumbles, one hand ominously loosening his belt, he waddles towards the distant bushes. I hope bush-chan doesn't wilt from Grom's pee attack. I wonder if George bush has ever been peed on?

Anyway, we quickly leave the camp site, since we're still quite close to Weimar. Apparently, we don't have much time before the boner-kun army starts marching on the next town and Grom thinks we should try to get there before the army to warn them, but didn't he warn Weimar? Little good it did them... but perhaps it will make a difference this time? I have no idea.

My mind drifts as we walk, following the river upstream and inland. Along the way, I get to know the group we're babysitting. The red-haired boy with freckles is called Rohn, and I'm not even joking.

The black-haired beauty he was supporting during the escape from Weimar is his cousin and she is called Rivanna. No, I'm not kidding.

Although we've long since escaped the burning Weimar and the boner-kun army, Rohn and Rivanna continue to walk close to each other and talk in secretive whispers almost like they are lovers.

Behind the two love birds there's Kiri and Barodh, a blonde haired pair of twins. It seems we adults have a wholesome family to babysit, but honestly I'm a bit afraid of what it'll turn into. I remember back when I was playing WoW fulltime, *cough* definitely not unemployed *cough*, I was in a family guild.

It wasn't too bad, but not that good either. There was some unnecessary drama over loot and stuff, but even though I know that to be a possibility, I will never relinquish the honeycakes to them! I will only share them with Tie'sha and Grom.

Anyway, the kids are tired so we're stopping now. It's definitely not because my body is weak from mana exhaustion that we're stopping, okay? Goddamn it!

We're still inside the forest near the river, but there's a mountain neaby from which the river flows. We found a nice and convenient cave in which to rest, there's already a fire pit dug out and everything. It's just perfect for cooking the Alyce-chan special, but ah, I don't have any more boners.

During the flaming inferno escape, I unfortunately did not have the wherewithal to ask my minions to gather some boners for me, truly a shame. I will have to make do with one of the kids... I mean, uh... It's not like I need food every day to survive. I'm a corpse so it's alright. But still, Rivanna looks nice and plump, she is even more delectable than her cousin and her chest is bouncy funya.

By the way, I am definitely not a witch from hansel and gretel, alright? I'm just an innocent fire witch okay? I would never dream of roasting some delicious human meat over a fire pit in a cave in the middle of the forest, you know? Don't be ridiculous!

“My lady, this cave keeps going.” Tie'sha remarks. She is exploring the cave with a burning stick that I fashioned for her. Grom gets up and goes over to her. After awhile, he starts grumbling very nicely and I get a fuzzy feeling in my stomach.

Struggling to my feet, I wobble over to them to see what the big deal is about. “What... is this?” I ask.

Inside this cave, around a bend, there is a huge cavern glowing with a pulsing blue light. The light is coming from some strange mushrooms and I get the urge to harvest some of them and test their effects on the kids we brought along. Maybe it was a good thing we saved them after all.

Speaking of the kids, they all collapsed around the fire as soon as we lit it there at the cave entrance. All they would need is a little push to make things right, but no. Now is not Alyce-chan's cooking time, now is Alyce-chan's cave exploration time! And no, that's not an innuendo, okay? Goddamn it!

I enter behind Grom and Tie'sha and walk over to a boulder covered with glowing blue moss. Sitting down with a sigh, I watch as Grom and Tie'sha poke around, humming and haahing at things in the cave.

After awhile, Tie'sha comes over to me to report her finds. “My lady, we believe this to be a side-entrance to a dungeon.” My eyebrows shoot up and I feel my face tugging into a smile.

“A dungeon! Moderately neato!” I say. Tie'sha looks a bit confused. Grom waddles over as well. “It be a bit of a problem. Ye see, side entrances usually lead ye to a deeper part so we don't know what's inside. I recommend we steer clear.” Grom says.

“That simply wont do! How can I call myself an adventurer if I don't enter a dungeon and explore.” I say.

“It's too dangerous. Besides, we hafta get tae Larlen to warn the king.” Grom says. It's a serious reply, but it makes too much sense to be readily ignored.

Sadly, I rub the glowing blue moss between my fingers and lament. “Ah, I really wanted to go dungeon delving... poor dungeon-chan, I bet you don't get many visitors here. Such a rare opportunity and yet we have to miss it. Poor, poor dungeon-chan. “ I say, repeatedly rubbing the glowing blue moss. Oops, it broke and stopped glowing.

Then we hear a horrified scream from the cave entrance where the kids are resting. It's definitely not my fault, alright? Grom charges ahead, pulling his glowing blue sword. Oi, why is it a blue glow by the way? Sting? Tolkien-sama will get angry, you know? Alyce-chan is definitely not an epigone or a pleonastic plagiarist, okay? Goddamn it!

Tie'sha helps me up and we chase after him to see what the fuss is about. Huffing a puffing, we go back through the passage and around the bend into what should've been the entrance to the cave... but it's dark except for the flickering light of the campfire.

That's right. There's a stone wall where the entrance should be. Maybe the C in cave is for Clinton? Seriously, don't stone wall me bro! I approach the wall and run my hand across the rough surface. It feels real, so it's not some illusion... there really is a stone wall where the exit to the cave system should be. Wallhacker! Cheater!

“What... is the meaning of this?” I ask, turning to Grom for an explanation. My meatpie is good for so many things. I'm glad I packed him for lunch on my trip. Unfortunately, his facial expression and shrug tells me all that I need to know. It seems he is as lost as I am...

Impotently, I bang my small fist against the wall a few times, thump thump, the flickering light from the campfire behind me lending the scene an eerie light. Rivanna is hugging Rohn tightly and comforting him. It seems he is afraid of the dark. Okay, if there are any traps in the dungeon let's use him as bait. It makes sense, you know? Why would I drag around someone useless huh? It's definitely not strange, kay? Got it?!

Joking aside, it seems like my wish shall come true and I suppress the urge to smile.

“Looks like we have no choice but to explore the dungeon to find a way out. Ah, truly what a shame.” I say with an exaggerated shrug.

Grom's face contracts into a grimace. “I fucked up. To think this was a dungeon-trap...” His serious face is very serious, but I can hardly tell because of the lovely beard covering his serious face. In any case, it's a serious face.

Tie'sha looks frightened too and I just remembered that I have mana exhaustion, which basically makes me useless in the dungeon. What the heck is that? I can finally go dungeon diving in this new world, but I have mana exhaustion? Quietly, I shake an angry fist at the heavens but eventually I sigh and nod at Grom.

“It seems there's nowhere to go but into the dungeon. It's really a shame...” I say. Grom nods but looks a bit confused.

“Aye, thousands may die because our warning will be late or wont come at all.” Grom says. I shake my head. “No, I mean, I can finally go to a dungeon but I have mana exhaustion so I can't do anything. Seriously what is that?! So unfair.” I say.

“That's what you're worried about?” Grom asks. I nod solemnly. Honestly, I don't really care how many people die to the boner-kun army as long as they aren't honeycake chefs or candy apple merchants. But I'm definitely not a monster, okay? Goddamn it!

In any case, it's a delicious dungeon exploration trip for our little family! We have even packed four lunch packs in case I get hungry. I am forced to walk with the kids, behind even Tie'sha, while Grom leads the way warily, using his glowing blue sword like a light stick as he enters the dungeon. It's not humiliating, you know? It's a strategic move by me to be close to the food. It's important to not lose the meat you packed for lunch on the school trip, you know?

The entrance is square-shaped and far from being a simple cave, inside there are actual stairs leading down. On the wall there are many unlit torches. It almost reminds me of a medieval castle tower turrent spire thingie except there are no windows with princesses hanging out of them, and we're definitely going far underground.

Actually, I'm starting to get dizzy from going round and round and round the spiral staircase. Staggering, I use the wall as support as I walk down but my head won't stop spinning crazily. Something... something is wrong.

It almost feels like I'm gonna throw up, and it also feels like I'm gonna faint. I'm so dizzy that I can hardly see. All I can do is follow Tie'sha's cute tail down the stairs and try not to faint from the dizziness.

“Thisssss.... far.. deeeh, uh...” I mumble, feeling myself falling forward. Dimly, I hear “Hey, what's wrong? Hey!”

Goddamn it!