When I open my eyes this time, there is no ping ping overload attack from system-chan, only the gentle spine tingling sensation of lying snugly in a comfortable bed. A fresh spring breeze flows in from an open window, rustling my hair and caressing my face. I can smell the flower garden outside and a warm ray of sunlight strokes my face pleasantly like the soft tickling caress of a Robert DOWNey Jr. Feather.
I sit up in bed again, this time no headache attacks me so I look around the room. I can feel my original Raven-chan flying patrol outside the window, but there are no servants in here at the moment so now is a good time to check out my harvest.
Come to think of it... I wonder how frequently I have to consume the fleischgewehr to live? I wonder if it's a requirement or if I can forego the temptations of the flesh now that I've mostly fixed my body up, or mayhap I still need to subsist off the flesh of the fallen?
I couldn't read over the ping ping overload messages completely before I fainted.. With all the time I spend fainting from system-chan overload, I wish I had an unconsciousness domain like the protagonists in those Chinese cultivation novels. But if that were the case, I would probably have to fend off young masters left and right whilst calling myself the black bellied young miss of the seventh porcelain flower garden or something strange like that. Oh well.
I got two cool new titles and many skills leveled up, which is great news. Fufufu, praise your overloli, the witch of the burning horizon! バーニング！
I also have 143 attribute points to distribute, which will come in handy mandy for sure.
Without much hesitation, I put 102 in intellect, 21 in wisdom, 10 in strength and the last 10 to dexterity. Since I got so many points, I figure I might as well touch up my physical stats a bit while I'm at it so I'm more well rounded. I splurged a bit on dexterity, but it's okay you know? I need my elegance, give me!
I got another talent and trait point as well, so now I am up to 3 unspent points of each. It seems like they'd provide some juicy powerups, so I want to spend them soon... System-chan, please.
Butlerman probably knows about talent points since he used to be an adventurer like Grom before he took a butler position to the knee, but when it comes to trait points.... I get the feeling it might not be a good idea to ask about it since it's monster related. I guess I gotta find Grom, since he already knows about my dark secret. Maybe I can even get him to swear at me and slap my head again, that'd be nice.
He could even hit me pretty hard and I'd probably be fine, since I have a lot of constitution. My HP reached 5000 sharp and I can't help but wonder if system-chan is trolling me with that value.
It's way too precise to be a coincidence, so why?!
Anyway, I cross my legs, close my eyes and take a look at my status to see what's what yo.
Alyce Katheryn Francisca McDowell
Titles Demon Monarch Lady of Ravens Lifebinder Scholar Paragon Acolyte of Death Witch of the burning horizon Psionic Scion Monster Rank: E++++ (Mythic) Basic Information Race: Undead (Ghoul/Demon/High-elf) Gender: Female Age: 10 Level: 37 Character Status Health: 5000 Mana: 21132 Stamina: 2906 Class: High-Warlock Strength: 53 Intelligence: 610 Charisma: 68 Sub-Class: Fire Witch Dexterity: 37 Wisdom: 146 Spirit: 72 Sub-Class: None Constitution: 466 Perception: 46 Karma: -100 Sub-Class: None Affinities Holy: -100% Light: 0% Death: 100% Darkness: 100% Water: -15% Earth: 10% Fire: 40% Air: 10% Resistances Holy: 100% Light: 100% Death: 100% Darkness: 100% Water: -15% Earth: 10% Fire: 40% Air: 10% Poison: 100% Curse: 99% Traits Untiring (Undead) 99% decreased stamina drain at night. 33% increased Stamina drain in daylight. Life Sense (Undead, Ghoul) You can detect the pulse of life all around you. Radius is twice your perception but 100m max. Hungering (Undead, Ghoul) If you eat the majority of a corpse, you will gain 10% of the experience you would get from slaying it normally. Spitfire (Demon Racial) +1 attribute point per level. +20% fire attribute affinity. -20% water attribute affinity. Ancient blood (High-Elven Racial) +1 Attribute point per level. +5% earth affinity, +5% air affinity Status Effects Perfect Corpse (Condition) -1 Charisma. Uhm, you look perfectly fine, if a little cold. Those with the darker predilections such as necrophilia may even prefer you this way. To those people you appear to have an extra 20 charisma. Curses Eian's Condemnation (Curse) -100% to all attribute gains. Hurry up and perish. Titon's Judgement (Curse) When exposed to the sun and when outside in daytime, -50% to all attributes. Blessings Darkness of the Demon Monarch (Blessing) 100% resistance to holy and light magic acquired. 100% affinity to Darkness acquired. Call of the Grave Queen (Blessing) By consuming the flesh of the fallen (dead), you will absorb a small part of their stats. 100% death affinity. 100% increase to all death related skills. 100% immunity to poison and mundane (non-divine) curses. Odin the All-Father's Retribution (Blessing) 1000% increase to all mana related skills. 1000% increase to growth of all mana related attributes (doesn't apply to achievement bonuses). Skill acquired: Summon Raven Familiar(s). Title acquired: Lady of Ravens. Earthmother Gaia's Compassion (Blessing) 200% increased growth to all health related attributes (doesn't apply to achievement bonuses). Skill acquired: Flesh Manipulation. Skills Summoning Magick 4 Capable of contracting and summoning creatures. Strength depends on character attributes. Higher proficiency allows for more and higher leveled summons. Flesh manipulation MAX Through excruciating effort and pain, the user can manipulate their own biomass. Eating flesh will add to available biomass. Mana Sense 3 The basic skill of sensing mana allows you to more freely use your mana. The more you train, the higher the precision and control over your spells will become. Mana Manipulation 5 The basic skill of mana manipulation allows you to more freely use your mana. The more you train, the higher the efficiency and strength of your spells will become. Telekinesis 6 An advanced magic manipulation skill that allows the user to manipulate objects by using their own mana as fuel. Telepathy 1 An advanced magic skill that allows the user to send thoughts to those near her. Innate unique skill. Level up to establish mental links for two-way communication. Death Energy Manipulation 4 The basic skill of a Necromancer, one who manipulates death. Fire manipulation 4 The ability to freely manipulate the element of fire. Dark Energy Manipulation 2 The ability to control the mysterious dark energy. The power of the void, a high warlocks specialty. Spells Summon Raven Familiar 3 (Active) Summon a raven familiar to do your bidding. Summon rare Imp Familiar 3 (Active) Summon a rare Imp familiar to do your bidding. Summon Rare Fire Elemental 2 (Active) Summon a rare fire elemental to immolate your adversaries. Darkbolt 2(Active) Gather a heavy mass of dark energy and hurl it at your enemies. Fireball 1(Active) Gather a ball of fire and hurl it at your enemies. Explodes on impact. Conflagrate 3(Active) Channel the fires of hell to conflagrate your foes. Blast Wave 1(Active) Fire erupts from your body in a circular shockwave, burning enemies and buying you time. Fire wall 6(Active) Create a wall of fire to prevent your enemies from fleeing as you burn them to ash. Blazing Barrier 1(Active) A barrier of fire, reducing incoming damage. Burns whatever comes into contact with it. Death Energy Absorption 3 (Active) To become one with death is to go against the natural law of the world. You have somehow found a way. Conjure Soulstone 1(Active) Create a vessel to hold souls. The higher the level of this skill, the more powerful a soul you can trap. Curse of Weakness 2(Active) Curse your enemies, making them more frail and susceptible to physical attacks. Drain Life 2(Active) Directly reaps the life-force of the enemy for your own use. You are no ordinary warlock since death is also your domain. Fire Enchantment 1(Active) The Witch imbues something with fire, increasing the damage it deals.
Ohoho, Alyce-chan became an E-ranked monster and almost level 40! Woohoo! I'm amazingly goodly great, you know? Even though there are people level 600 and above... it's not all about the level when you've got the phat stats, you know? And level 37 is still good progress for me, okay? Goddamn it!
Anyway, it seems I've been stripped to my underwear while I was asleep, so I look around the room for some clothes. Aha! Take on me! There's a huge stack of bodily wrappings piled high upon a chair at the bedside, so I throw off the duvét of soft downy goodness and sift through the clothes for something nice to wear.
I touch my pointy horizonal ears, happily finding that I'm still wearing the silver earrings set with the emerald gems.
Yes yes, it's not stealing, you know? I'm gonna keep these earrings no matter what anyone says, alright? Alyce-chan is definitely not a thief...
Definitely not, okay? Goddamn it!
Once I'm dressed in a white and ocean-blue skirt cardigan combo of supreme cuteness, I sit down on the bed with a pair of very long white stockings in-hand in preparation of the procedure which will soon turn me into the ultimate idol of cuteness. Just then, the door clicks, the handle turns and my great minion **Cough** maid, enters the room with a tray and wet towel like last time.
When she spots me on the bed, she freezes in the doorway for a moment before continuing inside and gently shutting the door behind her. "My lady, how are you feeling?" Tie'sha asks, setting down the tray on a bedside table and picking up the wet towel.
"I'm fine, no headache anymore. But what're you doing with that wet towel?"
"I was going to wipe down your body like last time. It's the least I could do since you saved me... and the others." Tie'sha says as she approaches me with the wet towel. Let's overlook the 'last time' part and focus on the present moment, alright?!
"As you can see, I've already donned some clothes and there's no way I'm sweaty or dirty, you know? So no need to wipe me down..." I say, secretly wondering if Tie'sha is truly a closet lesbioid or just a very dedicated maid-san. Hmm, maybe I can find a clue and figure it out. Let's watch her expression carefully.
"Tie'sha, I don't wanna strip so just wipe the exposed parts. I can't sleep all day, you know? I've got quests to complete and honeycakes to eat!" I say, and Tie'sha unfolds the wet towel, approaching me.
Without even asking for consent, she violates my face with wet towel-kun, wiping at my face and neck quite thoroughly, all the while gently and skillfully massaging my neck and shoulders like a true pro. I assume she's finished when she removes the towel from my face, but upon seeing Tie'sha's focused expression I know there is more to come.
With a sigh, I stick out an arm and she wraps the towel around my hands. It's steamy hot, and actually feels quite pleasant even though I am loathe to admit it. It's like being coddled and bathed in soothing, gentle warmth.
This certainly beats the old spit and shine grandma maneuver she pulled on me earlier, that's for sure. I shudder just thinking about it, but looking up at my cute servant, I'm thankful all over again. What if she had been an old grandma and her dentures flew out when she tried the spit and shine?! In my mind, the image of an old Grandma mixes with that of the boner-kun skeleton Lich and congeals into a Grandma Necromancer that attacks using flying dentures and spittle. What horrible trauma... Alyce-chan has to work hard to forget her childhood sometimes, you know?
So that's why... let's just indulge our cute Tie'sha for now. She can salivate all over me if that is what it takes to save me from the flying dentures of an old grandma necromancer.
Once my minion is done with one hand and arm, I HAND her the other... hand... and she repeats the process. Tie'sha is gently kneading and squeezing my arm and the palm of my HAND and even the individual fingers of my hand. It feels nice and refreshing, especially since it's combined with the steamy hot towel to produce a very relaxing effect. The maids of noble houses sure are something else... I have to hand it to them.
Tie'sha finishes up and removes the towel, so I reach for the stockings again intending to put them on. Then Tie'sha kneels down in front of me and takes one of my feet in her HANDS, wrapping it in the warm towel. She begins her expert massage all over again with my bare foot, gently squeezing and kneading and rubbing and no, I'm just receiving a refreshing massage from my maid, you know?
There's definitely nothing sexual about this, you hear me?!
Seriously, there's not, okay? Goddamn it!
Once Tie'sha has finished wiping down my feet and shins, she stands back up and takes a couple of steps back, bowing as if to say, 'un, job well done'. I look awkwardly up at her, once more reaching for the stockings. Perhaps this time I will be successful in putting them on, but... no. Tie'sha misinterprets my look and quickly plucks the stockings from my hand and looks at me with a slightly suspicious expression.
Jeez, last time I was so thoroughly handled like this was back when I was a tiny baby. I don't even remember that time, only in kindergarden when the adults helped get the jumpersuits on you and stuff, but... are such thorough ministrations the job of ordinary maids then?
This really is a different world. Back in my old world, if a strange woman started rubbing and massaging a 10 year old girl they barely knew, it wouldn't be long before there'd be a knock at that womans door from the men in blue, you know?
Tie'sha should be happy that this is another world.
Come to think of it... so should I. I'm having a good time here, you know? I never understood those idiots that upon arrival to a new virgin land of endless possibilities go 'No I don't want any cheat abilities. Furthermore, where's the way home? Nevermind, for now I will go buy some slaves for my harem'.
Yes, that's right. Feel my wrath stupid JP authors! Alyce-chan got a depression from reading so many light novels in the past, you know?
Anyway, I can't resist Tie'sha's wide, shimmering doggy eyed pleading stare, so I stick my foot out and allow her to slide the stockings onto my feet, all the while observing her face for any sign that she may in fact be a harboring a secret lesbianism in her closet.
Tie'sha's cheeks are slightly flushed, but other than that her expression is mostly normal. Her breathing might be a little bit rough, but that's probably because she had to climb the stairs then wipe me down, right? Right?! She's definitely not panting because of me, okay? Goddamn it!
After she finished putting the stockings on my feet, Tie'sha just kneels there holding my socked foot for awhile and staring blankly into space. "Tie'sha?" I ask, and she jumps and quickly puts my foot down before once more retreating into a professional maid-stance. "Ye-yes, my lady?"
"How long has it been since then?" I ask, a little nervous. Tie'sha breathes a sigh of relief for some reason, but I just shrug.
"It happened last night and you were in bed ever since then. This morning I came in to see you, and you woke up but then fainted right afterwards. Do you remember? I was afraid you might be sick or something, so I called a healer. But she kept eyeing you oddly, so I ushered her out of the room a bit forcefully..." Tie'sha says, fiddling with the hem of her maid-dress.
"What does that mean, exactly?" I ask. "We-well, first the healer examined you normally, but then she cast a few holy spells and some light spells, her frown deepening each time. She had a very confused look on her face. It was then that I decided to throw her out and take care of you myself."
A shiver runs down my spine and I tremble slightly before gathering myself. Huh? That's interesting though. The healer probably felt something was off and tried to see if I would be negatively affected by holy magic like normal undead. I seem to remember a status effect called perfect corpse... that's right. Can't forget that I'm an undead here. My body is a bit cold and my heartbeat department's drum and bass equipment is quite inactive.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
The healer probably thought I was dead, but then she sensed magic in me or something and got suspicious? Speaking of magic, since I began getting well acquainted with the element of fire, my cold corpse of a body has begun heating up a bit. I do hope I don't become too hot to touch, ouh!
バーニング！！
Fufufu, you picked the wrong enemy foolish unknown healer woman. This undead ghoul girl is a bit different than your run of the mill corpse homie, you know? Sticks and stones may tickle my toes, but the holy light of those wicked gods will never hurt me! Fuwahaha!
I take a deep breath then let it out slowly before waving my hand in dismissal. "Never you mind that Tie'sha. Say, do you have any shoes my size? I want to go out and find my friend today."
Tie'sha nods solemnly, suddenly wearing a downcast expression. "I... I was hoping you'd stay longer Lady Alyce. But if you wish to leave, you are of course free to do so at any time, though I think the Corneliáves house wants to give you a reward for your performance last night."
"What do you know of my performance last night?" I ask, wagging my eyebrows at Tie'sha suggestively. She doesn't get it at all even though she is supposed to be a lusty argonian maid.
I rise and free myself from bed-chans lovely embrace, walking over to where Tie'sha is standing. Then I reach up and pat her head, nugi-nugying her ears lightly in passing. "Then I'll take you as my reward." I say, grinning up at Tie'sha, who turns bright red. "My—my lady, I don't... I can't..."
"Shush. You're a great maid and I could use an attendant like you. Besides, we are honeycake buddies now, remember? We battled the delishyas kingdom together, you and I. There is no way the Corneliáves house will come between us!" I say, once more standing on tippy-toe to reach up and pat Tie'sha on the head again one last time.
"Now MY maid, go and get me some shoes."
"Yes, my lady!"
Some time later, I find myself walking into a market-place in the city square where numerous people have set up boothes and are shouting out their wares noisily. Many people are about. It's no Tokyo, but it gives me a pleasant feeling of warmth and life.
Instead of a wretched hive of scum and villany, it's a hodgepodge of interesting looking people. I have to restrain myself many times from going up to a random lady or man or ladyman and ask them what race they are. I mean, I saw a tall guy with blue skin and four arms being escorted by several gnomes with very big noses, for example. It goes without saying that there's plenty of beast variants about aswell, but I've yet to see any elves or dwarves. Eldritch races?
I managed to escape the clutches of the Corneliáves house by promising to return later to receive the reward, but for now I want to find Grom and get an update on the situation.
After all... we were attacked last night. I'm sure the Corneliáves house reported it. Tie'sha said that butlerman went to the adventurers guild earlier, so maybe I will bump into him?
Dodging around a wolf-beastman, I spot something of interest. It is... it is a stand selling candy apples! Soon though, my smile turns upside down, morphing into a frown as I remember that I do not in fact possess enough currency to procure a candy apple. Ah, the tragedy that has befallen me! Buy my new book, the Woeful lamentations of a broke corpse-loli, vol.1 out now on the world wide interwebs.
I'm going to go milk Grom for some money and then--- that sounded so wrong... I'm going to ask Grom for money, alright!? Alyce-chan is just a girl in the springtime of her youth, with a predilection for eating peoples faces and crushing skeleton boners, nothing more nothing less, you know?
I am definitely not a harlot, okay? Goddamn it!
In the marketplace, I spot a conspicuous group of people bulldozing their way through the crowd like they own the place, a ragtaggedy roughshod adventurers party if ever I saw one. They're all carrying weapons and wearing leather armor or robes. They look exactly like a stereotypical adventuring party with le frontline fighter, a mage, healer, rogue and archer.
Perhaps I don't even have to ask some strange man for directions. I can just follow these adventurers that are walking down the street clearing the way before them with their mere presence. My heart is indigent due to the lack of a candy apple in my hand, but that shall be remedied in due time.
Following the adventurers party down a couple of streets, I can't help but smile. They are clearing the way magnificently and making progress swift and efficient. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. At least up until the point where their rearguard rogue turns around on her heels with a dagger in her hand and glares at me.
"Oi, girl! Why are you following us? This be no place fer such well-dressed noble dandies. Where's your escort?" The girl snaps.
My mouth opens into an o... not because of her words, but because this small cute person has cat ears and even whiskers, freckles and a button nose!
"No mam, as you can see, I'm a girl. I thought only boys could be dandies? And I'm not a trap, you know?" I say, cocking my head to one side. The cat rogue frowns. "I'm going to the adventurers guild and assumed you were heading there, so I followed." I continue.
The cat person is still frowning, grasping a dagger in their hand. Behind her, a woman in a blue robe pirouettes around with a smile on her face and up ahead the frontline fighter, a guy with a sword and buckler, starts laughing.
"Oi, josh. The hell are you laughing at man?" The cat person says, face rapidly reddening. That voice. Perhaps...
The blue robed woman places a placating hand on cat-sama's head. "Now now Klorta. Didn't we already tell you not to go shouting at people. You only got what you deserved." The woman says, and at that, Klorta the cat snorts then looks over at me.
"Just... just because I look like this, ye call me a girl? I'll have you know I'm a splendid man with perfectly working equipment, so-" Then he was slapped on the head by the robed woman.
"What do you think you're saying to a little girl Klorta." The woman says.
Ah, such a splendid tsukkomi! I am envious. I want her to slap me too... can I ask her? Hmm. Maybe that would be too awkward. I hope I can count on Grom later.
And no, not in that way, okay? Goddamn it!
“Ohoho, as expected of a trap. It makes sense that you are the REAR guard.” I say. The adventurers party just stares at me with blank eyes, so I cough a few times and press the reset button.
"Ahen. You're going to the adventurers guild right?" I ask, trying to draw the focus back onto what is truly important. In other words, my quest to obtain currency from Grom by very definitely not harlotty means and using said money to buy myself a good ol' candy apple or 10.
"Yes, we're turning in a completed request." The robed woman replies.
"We're strong, you know?" Klorta says, puffing out his chest. It's indeed flat, but so is mine. That's why... the washboard is not necessarily an indication of his gender, but still... It's hard to believe that he is a he. Ah, were my suspicions indeed correct? Could it be? A trap?! A real life Admiral Ackbar trap!?
"I see, you're strong adventurers." I say, nodding to them and smiling. Klorta stands on his toes to try and make himself taller, which is kind of funny. Children will be children after all, fufufu.
"Yeah! We're strong! Right guys?" Klorta says, striking a comically confident pose.
They respond with a collective shrug and I walk with them the rest of the way to the guild. On the way there, I learn that in addition to Klorta the rogue, the frontline fighters name is Josh. Klorta being a trap could mean that Josh is his gay lover, but let's not speculate on that too much since it's not night-time yet.
The robed woman is Yvrette and her classes are Sorceress and Alchemist, an interesting combination. I really wish I knew more about classes in this world. In this case, my ignorance is not bliss, but agony! In this weird, interesting world there must be thousands of different and unique classes... and Alyce-chan used to be a gamer, you know? It kind of ignites my gamer spirit a little, knowing that there are so many levels to be had out there, so many classes to discover... and I guess dungeons to clear? Surely there are dungeons, right?
What kind of game world doesn't even have dungeons? It's simply unacceptable, so I won't even entertain the possibility that this world is devoid of dungeons, okay? Goddamn it!
"What's got you so worked up girl?" Klorta says. The trap is still pretending to be an idol of masculinity. It's kind of endearing.
"Nn. I was just thinking about dungeons." I reply and Klorta smirks in response. "We just came from one! There was a request for Gritweed, which grows on the third level of the dungeon. You have to be atleast level 30 to go against the mobs there, and we are even stronger than that!"
"Eeh, so you're weak?" I reply before I can stop myself. Klorta's eyes widen and his mouth opens, his cheeks flushing red with anger.
But just then someone shouts behind us to get out of the way.
Since we're on the doorstep of the guild, we enter as the last two. As the sign hanging outside the door clearly says, this is the adventurers guild and the inside of the building also bears this out. Outside inside out, living la vida loca.
There are men and women of various races drinking at the tables and request boards and receptionists, most of whom are women as I expected, but I do see a few guys here and there.
I let out a sigh. "Why does it have to be so cliché?" I say to no one in particular. Klorta doesn't reply, but instead leaves me for his companions. They're talking to a male receptionist and turning over a bag presumably filled with this Gritweed or whatever. I mentally thank them for leading me here, but now it's time for todays main quest.
I scan the room but unfortunately I can't find Grom anywhere. As a Dwarf, he should be sitting in a dark corner drinking ale and swearing, yet he is nowhere to be found! Then again, Grom is a very oversized dwarf, a very bigly big dwarf, so perhaps his alcoholic tendencies are also strangely inverted. Although I will be a bit disappointed if I can't use alcohol to make him more prone to swearing in my presence.
Ah, I want him to swear at me and slap me... I'm definitely not weird, you know?
Eyes follow me as I make my way to one of the receptionists. A friendly woman greets me with a smile exuding professionalism. "Hello my lady, here to put up a request?" She says, already pulling out a paper to write on as though she already made up her mind.
"No. Well, in a manner of speaking." I reply. Receptionist-san cocks her head sideways.
"I'm looking for an adventurer named Grom. He should've come in last night." At that, the womans eyebrows rise. "You're looking for that guy?" she says, and I nod.
"The Corneliáves house already sent someone and they're currently speaking with the guild master. Are you from another house? Lindenberg perhaps? Though you don't look like the type to be bringing messages, and it doesn't look like you have any letters on you little girl."
I reach up to the counter, grab the edge of it, and hoist myself up so that I can look the woman in the eyes. "Now listen here. I may be a little girl, but just because I'm a little girl, it doesn't mean you should assume that I'm just a little girl, alright?" I say, looking the receptionist in the eyes and trying my serious face.
I can feel the twitch-twitch of my eyebrow, but it's less than before, so maybe my deadpan serious face is improving. Maybe I should try out my pokerface in one of those cardgames the drunken adventurers are playing, though I don't have any money to gamble with... I quickly hurry on before I end up writing another volume of the Death-loli's woeful lamentations about brokedom.
Receptionist-san is frozen for a few seconds before she bursts out laughing. "Ah, I'm sorry. You're looking for Grom the adventurer, but he is currently busy with the guild master, so come back later, alright little girl?" The receptionist says, her tone condecending. Oh dear.
She is smiling, but I can see that she is looking down on me, both physically and mentally. I suppose there is a definite drawback to this body... I didn't truly realize it because of Grom and Tie'sha. I guess I was pretty lucky to meet people like them instead of this stuck up bitch. She is barely fit for snacking on, but perhaps I shall make an exception. I am getting hungry, you know?
I feel my lips tug into a vague smile as I stare at the receptionist lady. I won't let one bad apple spoil the bunch. Alyce-chan is not so shallow, you know? She is a magnanimously magnificent master of ma...mastery. Huh? What?! Why are you looking at me like that?!?!
The receptionist takes a step back and eyes me warily. That's when I realize I've just been staring at her with a slightly creepy smile for awhile now. Thankfully, it seems Yvrette has noticed my plight and is coming over, Klorta trailing behind her like a dog on an invisible leash. He truly is dedicated to his position at the rear.
”What's up?” Yvrette asks, her tone light, a diplomatic smile on her plump lips which Alyce-chan is definitely not jealous of.
”Ah, she... this child asked for an adventurer named Grom, but he's currently with the guild master so I told her to come back later.” The receptionist explained.
”Yvrette, it's okay.” I say. ”So, miss receptionist, what's your name?”
”Tilly, my lady.” She says. I nod. ”Excellent. Now Tilly, I'm Alyce and I know Grom personally. In fact we travelled together and experienced the Lich first hand, he and I.” I explain.
Tilly's mouth opens, then closes. It seems she didn't expect that. I must truly look like a noble lady, although perhaps I also stand out due to my cute oni horns and my pointy ears, yay!
”So, where's his office?” I ask, employing a strategy of forcefulness. It seems to be quite effective as Tilly has begun squirming and looking uncertain behind the desk. It seems my damage over time attack is working.
”We-well... They've been up there for a long time now, so I think if my lady waits just a little while longer then they will come down.” Tilly says.
With a sigh, I look over at Yvrette, who nods in response. ”Very well, but I'm going up there if the wait is too long, okay?” I say, turning my back to Tilly and going over to Yvrette. Out the corner of my eye I can see Tilly with a rude expression as she sighs in relief at my departure. Hmpf, I'm also happy to be rid of you, rude woman!
”Come and sit with us, uhm.. Lady Alyce?” Yvrette says.
”You don't have to call me lady, just Alyce will do. And I'm sorry but I don't have any money right now.”
”That's quite okay, we'll order you a drink if you tell us more about... you know.” Yvrette says, lowering her voice conspiratorially. I raise my eyebrows.
”Oh, so the friendly mage woman's ulterior motive has finally come to light! She wishes to mercilessly extract information by exploiting a poor, helpless child!” I say, sending a playful smirk Yvrettes way.
At my outburst, several adventurers turn to look at us, a few glaring at Yvrette.
Seeing her uncomfortable expression... ”Pfahaha. It's okay. I don't mind being exploited a bit as long as you make sure to feed me something delicious, okay?” Yvrette just nods, quickening her pace. I follow her to a corner of the room where the rest of her party is chilling out, maxing and relaxing all cool, but they are not shooting some b-ball outside of the school. How unfortunate.
They buy me a pink fizzy drink that tastes very sweet. It seems to be quite expensive, but Yvrette's pleading eyes begs me to accept it. ”Tis' an excellent bribe, lady mage.” I say, puffing out my chest and putting on imperious airs. ”It shall do for now. So what is it you wish to know?”
The conversation proceeds smoothly and I talk about boner-kun and my adventures. Only in vague terms of course, since I cannot truly trust these people with the juicy details of my first time.
Despite the fact that I may be slightly, just slightly! Clumsy sometimes, I'm not an idiot with no sense of self-preservation okay? Goddamn it!
So that's why I just tell them some general information to appease them, while sipping on my sugary pink fizzler drink and waiting for Grom to show his ugly mug. Well, actually I don't know his mug at all, since it's covered by a truly magnificent beard. It's almost like a seperate creature that attaches itself to the faces of young male dwarves to live with them in a symbiotic relationship.
Now that I think about it... that makes a frightening amount of sense! After all, such a beard-monster could feast off of the food that Grom would inevitably end up dropping into it when he eats stuff.
I'm surprised such a creature hasn't evolved on earth. It's... perfect!? So why hasn't it evolved on earth, huh!? Hmm. Maybe it's just so good at camouflaging itself as an ordinary beard that nobody has noticed it yet. Ah... Truly, life is filled with mystery.
Next time Alyce-chan spots a guy with a huge beard, she will watch carefully to see if the beard has gained sentience, you know?
Some time later, the back door opens and Grom enters. He is quite big and wide, so he has trouble fitting in through the tight back door. However, with a grunt, he manages to squeeze himself inside.
Following after Grom is the Butlerman and behind Sebastian is a tall, broad-shouldered barbarian wearing an apron that looks eerily like a loincloth on the hugely muscled Conan-man.
I jump up on the table, spilling a few drinks with a clink, but that is of no concern. If my feet get soaked in beer, then so be it! I wave vigorously. “Hey Grom!” I yell at the top of my lungs. He turns his head my way, his eyes widening in surprise as does Butlermans two face-socketed light-receptacles.
Grom raises a meaty hand and waves back at me while frowning, looking puzzled as if I'm somehow out of place. I cup both my hands around my mouth and lean forward. Maybe it's my imagination, but hasn't it gotten a bit quiet in here? Nevermind that.
“So Grom, your beard is high level, right? Has it gained sentience yet?!” I shout, but unfortunately, the spilled beer on the table makes my foot slip. I watch in slow-motion as my legs fly out from under me and my face approaches the floor.
Why... I put more attribute points into dexterity for that purpose, so I should be elegant... why am I not elegant?! Goddamn it!
My face meets the wooden floor with a crack and unfortunately wood-chan was penetrated by my oni-horns. And double unfortunately, my cute oni horns are actually bery stronk, so now my head is stuck in the floor and I am upside down flailing my legs frantically. I've already given up on preserving my maidenly modesty since I can feel my skirt hoolahooping around my neck, leaving my thighs and panties exposed in a most unladylike manner.
Let me just repeat this to make sure. I am definitely not a harlot, alright?!
To the tune of much boistrous laughter and hooting and smashing of mugs on tables, I am extricated from the ground by two big meaty hands. When Grom turns me around and puts me back down, I suddenly feel dizzy and stumble forward right into his beard.
Coughing a bit, I push myself away and look up to find Grom looking down at me with a wide smile. “How are ye, lassy?” He asks, trying to sound serious despite the fact that he has a huge dumb smile on his face.
“Ptah, ptuh. How do you think I am, you square-shaped block of meat? I nearly ate your beard, you know? I almost feel like a cat hacking up a hairball.” I say, spitting out the last few hairs in my mouth and wiping drool from my mouth.
“So, how is it? Does it taste sentient?” Grom asks, still smiling like an idiot. A huge wave of laughter erupts, and there are a few whistles as well. Oi, you're catcalling a 10 year old girl, you know? Police officer, it's that guy over there.
“No, it tastes like hair. You keep beard-san surprisingly clean.”
“Of course I do. A beard is a dwarf's pride!” Grom exclaims.
Being an oversized dwarf and saying that your beard is your pride although men usually refer to another thing as their pride. Your race is called dwarf despite your body being oversized... Grom, do you want a woman to come to the wrong conclusion?
Ahen.
“How is beard-san supposed to feed if you keep it so clean that it doesn't even have any breadcrumbs to munch on? Poor beard-san starved to death before he could even gain sentience.” I say, stroking Groms beard sympathetically a few times before stepping back and bowing deeply, holding one hand over my chest. “My condolences.” I say, my tone of voice grave and serious.
There is a slight pause, but then with a sigh, I feel a hand gently slapping me on top of my head. A powerful feeling of euphoria courses through me and I straighten up immediately, a huge grin on my face. My... my fangs are showing and my long ghoul tongue is threatening to make itself known. Tehehe, gyuuh! Alyce-chan is happy! Grom just shrugs his shoulders.
“Are you two quite finished with your strange ritual?” Sebastian inquires. My my, why so serious, butlerman? Are the news of boner-kun really so grave? I guess the situation is kind of serious, considering what happened last night. What a dangerous boner, trying to abduct people in the middle of the night with roofies. How dare you roofie my precious Tie'sha? I will snap you in two, boner-kun!
“Yes, I believe we're finished.” I say. “So how did it go, did they keep you long?” I ask Grom. He grunts a reply, and his frown returns.
“Aye lass. It took bloody ages. All I wanted was a good mug o' ale and yet that bald apron-wearing exhibitionist kept asking me questions and denying me ale!” Grom says.
“Your outrage is indeed understandable. How dare he deny you ale, the scoundrel.” I say. Grom nods his head.
“Aye, the bastard. I swear on me nan Alyce. One day I'll get so strong that I can drink ale whenever and where-ever I fecking please.”
I tip an invisible hat to Grom and bow. “I hear you.” I reply, and Groms expression relaxes a bit as he looks around. His eyes narrow slightly when he notices the huge crowd of adventurers all quietly staring at us like creeps at a fare. Oi, what's up with those wide eyes. We're not a circus show, you know?
I look over at Yvrette and co. who has been suspiciously silent since the arrival of my faithful meatball. Seeing that their paralysis persists, I simply nod to them in thanks for their fizzy pink tribute to the overloli. Maybe I will see them later, but for now, Alyce-chan shall aim for greener pastures.
I motion for Grom to follow me and walk confidently out of the adventurers guild. Without tripping, yay! Although a few people still catcall and hoot, but I look like a 10 year old girl, you know? Why are you catcalling a 10 year old girl?!
Anyway, Grom being the good guy that he is, follows me outside, taking a deep breath of the fresh air.
“Ah, I hadn't realized how stifled I felt back there.” Grom says, looking up at the sky. “So, what'll ye do now Alyce? I really need to get meself an ale.” Grom says.
While we are standing there, butlerman emerges from the Adventurers guild aswell. What excellent timing, Sebas. “Hey butlerman. There will be another celebration tonight, right?” I ask, and he throws me a shallow bow.
“That is correct, Lady Alyce. The Corneliáves house wishes to present you with a reward, so please do attend.” Sebas says.
“I shall, however so shall my faithful block of hairy meat.” I say. Grom suddenly looks uncertain.
“I dunno lass, fancy parties ain't me thing.” Grom replies.
“But surely, the Corneliáves house will be able to furnish my favorite dwarf with an adequate supply of high quality ale, yes?” I say, a faint smile playing across my face as I glance from Sebas to Grom and back.
Butlerman bows again. “Yes, my lady. I will see to the arrangements myself. Now if you will excuse me.” Sebas says, nodding at us before hurrying off. He must have many things to do. Ah, the life of a butlerman sure is hectic.
Grom lets out a heavy sigh. “I don't have a choice, do I?”
Smiling up at him, I reply. “Nope!”