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Everybody here is a cultivation idiot.
Chapter 18: Heroes and Demonic Cultivators

Chapter 18: Heroes and Demonic Cultivators

Lingfeng came rushing through my door with his usual aplomb and worried look.

"Trina! What happened! What did you nerds do again! Half of the mountainside is now soaked in steam!"

"I drowned a demonic tome in a bucket using my makeshift plumbing and thermal dissipation! Marvel at my ingenuity!"

"You...w..haaah? Lingfeng wipes his face with both of his palms. Why do you do this to me, girl? How have I offended you! Why do you make less and less sense to me every time we meet! Ok...explain…"

"Well you see, Jin (I point at the offline red spiky hair) had this Ancient Demon called Ifritt locked inside of his fire spell tome. I recognized it because it had the symbol of Solomon’s Signet on the covers, so I just tossed it inside of my water bucket to cool it off a little bit, but in the end it drowned and the demon inside got banished back to Hell."

"Ifritt, as in the fucking Ancient Demon that destroyed the capital of the Perseian Empire a thousand years ago? That wiped out half the number of heroes available in the whole world before getting banished? And you say YOU DROWNED IT IN A BUCKET? HOW THE F…UAAAH!"

"Yeah, I even got an achievement for it! +1 skill points!" I give Lingfeng a grin with all of my teeth.

"YOU! Ok...explain in detail before I pop a vein or something."

"Ok, but before that, do you still have some of that silk that you gave me when I patched up Fung the first time? I need that again, for both of the morons. Where do you get that shit from anyway?"

"You mean the ironweb spider silk? It comes from unfurling the webs created by ironweb weavers. They are small spiders that like to hang around the entrances of caves and put their webs up there. The spider silk is rather strong, even more resilient than a steel wire of the same size, but a lot more malleable. Also the wounds that are stitched up with this type of silk do not seem to get infected as often as when stitched with other types of wire, so that’s why I keep some with me."

"Define small spider!" I narrowed my eyes at Lingfeng.

Lingfeng gestures an approximation with both hands.

Ok, so that is the size of a fucking bird eating tarantula.

"Then define large!"

Lingfeng points from one corner of the room to one of the desks.

Ok, so the size of an automobile. I should have seen this coming. People in this world have some really skewed up points of reference. Back on Earth, the mere sight of a daddy-long-legs would send people screaming in panic. Here, unless it is able to directly eat your face off, it is not considered a large threat at all!

After Lingfeng hands me a spool of the iron silk stuff, I spend the next half an hour presenting my new discoveries related to thermal energy and the whole demon fiasco while stitching up the boys at the same time. Lingfeng goes through various shades of the rainbow while listening to my story, and seems to get choked up on his words.

"I...I have to report this to the Adventurer’s Guild, but...HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT YOU DROWNED AN ANCIENT DEMON IN A FUCKING BUCKET? They would just send me to the loony bin!"

"Simple answer? LIE, DUH! Make up a story! You’re a Scribe and Loremaster! Make some other mystical Spirit of Ice that was also locked in a soul stone take the blame for the banishment or some other bullshit like that. Heck, you could even say that Jin did it and beat the demon that was trying to corrupt his mind with his bravery, since he’s the fucking Hero of the Flame anyway and that’s kind of their thing."

"WAIT, WHAT? WHO’S A HERO?"

"Erm...Jin? Destined to be the Hero of the Flame? Don’t tell me that you morons just let him in the sect without even knowing that?"

"Know? How the fuck were we supposed to know such a thing?! Secrets like that are usually kept hidden by both the sects and the would-be Heroes themselves, until they level up high enough to be able to handle the outside world. Otherwise, if we had some method of Hero detection, everybody would be murdering Destined Heroes in their cradles! AAARGH! Listen! You are not to tell another soul that Jin is the Hero of the Flame, unless he allows you to. No, even if he DOES somehow approve, just shut up, and tell him to shut the hell up as well. He is just a kid at this moment! Even your monkeyboy slave beat the crap out of him! What do you think will happen if a bigger fish gets a word about this?"

"Hmmphf! If anything, Fung is a gorillaboy, not a monkeyboy, and most definitely NOT my slave. He’s my friend and business partner!"

"UGH...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, STOP NITPICKING! Anyway, NOT A WORD TO ANYONE ABOUT JIN, GOT ME?"

"ROGER!"

"WHO’S ROGER?"

"I mean, YES! That’s another way to say yes, sheesh!"

"Weird-ass girl..." Lingfeng inhales deeply. "I HAVE to report this demon problem anyway, I’ll make something up as I go. Whenever a demonic item of such astounding value is found anywhere, the demonic sects will not be that far behind. You may not notice the movements of the higher cultivators, but the Sect Master and us Elders most certainly do, and the bad guys have been quite active as of late. The death of the Hero has precipitated a lot of power struggles in both the righteous and the demonic campsides of the conflict. With an approaching Qi Flood, this will only get worse. Do not let the boy go anywhere, even if he wakes up, and wait until I return! The discovery of a new potential Hero right after one just died is a very serious matter!"

And so, Lingfeng vanished out the door faster than the wind, using some sort of a haste spell.

It took about another half an hour for Jin to regain consciousness, while Fung was still out cold. That pill had done a number on his internals, so he’ll be out of touch with reality for days, I assume.

"Huah...humm...harrgh...SPAGGETI!" Jin suddenly springs up from his nightmare revelry.

"AAARGH...MY HEAD!..Where the hell am I?"

"At my house."

"Tri...I mean, Elder Lingfeng’s niece…I mean...(ah shit)..."

"So, liked what you saw? I'm still growing girl, you know, I'm sorry if these are not impressive enough." I cradle my boobs in front of Jin's face with my hands.

Jin turns red like a crab.

"Yes... I mean NO... I mean, I wasn't looking... I mean I was looking but not because of the reasons you think of…mostly..."

"Then please, do enlighten me as to what the reason may be for your constant stalking of myself and Fung during the last few days?"

"What!....How did you even notice me? I was being very careful not to be seen."

"Jin, wherever you go, you stick out like a sore thumb. When you followed us, I could see your spiky red hair sticking out from either behind a barrel, a rock or outside the edges of a bush everywhere. Your stealth skills leave a lot to be desired."

"I see...I am sorry, b...but it’s not what you think... I was following you because a Senior told me to!"

"And by Senior, I assume you mean the weird voice coming out from your fire tome?"

"You! How did you know that! I thought I was the only one that could hear him! Wait, where is my fire tome anyway? Where is senior Afara?"

"Afara? Is that what he told you his name was? Jin, do you even know what the creature inside of that tome is?"

"Senior is an Elderly Cultivator that got trapped by his enemies inside of that fire tome 1000 years ago. He has helped me recover my cultivation, and has imparted unfathomable secrets of the fire arts to me!"

"A Senior Cultivator, you say? Do not tell me that you never noticed the demonic nature of the thing inside of your book, eh?"

"No? What demon? Senior is not a demon!!!"

"Is that what he told you? That he is some sort of kindly Grandpa that got imprisoned inside of the book by his enemies? And you actually bought that? I think you might actually be stupider than I assumed. Jin, the thing inside of your book is called Ifritt, and is an Ancient Demon from the Nine Hells. Well...was called..."

"Was? Wait, answer me! Where is my fire tome! What did you do to senior Afara?"

"I drowned him in a bucket!"

"WHAT? Hey, hey, stop joking, that is not funny... There is no way that the Senior would simply drown by being submerged in a measly bucket of water! The Senior is Fire Incarnate, the keeper of the Secret Flame!"

"I am sorry to break it to you kiddo, but your demon friend did drown in a bucket and then got dragged back to Hell while you were taking a dirtnap. He also almost burnt my whole fucking backyard in the process, before he finally “kicked the bucket”...hehe."

"No! Senior was a good person! He helped me recover my cultivation! You evil Witch, what have you done to him! Give me back my Senior!"

Gin begins to struggle against me. I punch him back.

"Settle down, you moron! He was just raising your cultivation so he could then take over your body, which would then become the new Avatar for his ancient demon's soul. If anything, you should be grateful that I saved you from his clutches and the rest of the continent from his fire."

"No, the senior was good! He helped me... He helped me…"

"He helped HIMSELF!"

"No, no, this cannot be happening….my tome... my tome! Without the Senior I am nothing...I am lost...all of my special cultivation methods were written down in that book! Aaaargh!"

"Demon or not, you are still the Hero of the Flame! Now man up and accept your loss, and stop being such a cry baby! Would you have preferred to wind up as demonic sacrifice instead?"

"The what?"

"The Hero of the Flame? Wait...no no no...you cannot be serious! Even you? Are you all fucking retarded?Jin, did the demon never actually tell you who the hell you are, and why he was so obsessed on possessing you specifically?

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Who...I am? I'm just Jin Tianzen, disciple of the sect and...clan-less vagabond."

"You are Jin Tianzen, the Hero of the Flame, and you my friend, have been born with a silver spoon inside your mouth. You are one of the few people in this world that is destined for greatness. I am actually astounded that you are so unconscious about your own existence? Do you not remember anything from before?"

"Before what?"

"Before coming to this world?"

Timmy: Bzzt error! WRONG!

TImmy: Jin is in another category of paid users, which has accepted the removal of any previous memories before being born into this world. The world is still in the beta stages, and we are still trying things out. We have made two groups of users, some which retain the memories from their previous lives, and some people who get wiped clean, but still benefit from the paid user account bonuses. In truth, you should also have been included in the memory wipe group, but all of those pesky modules that you have bought prevented the Mother System from executing the wipe.

"What do you mean, before?" Jin gives me a totally confused look.

"Never mind, forget I even mentioned it, it seems you have no clue. By the way, Elder Lingfeng said that you should stay put until he comes back, so we can all have a talk about what just happened, and about your destiny from now on."

"Huh...yes...alright..."

Jin is sporting some dead-fish eyes so commonly found in trauma victims, and keeps mumbling stuff to himself.

I turn back towards my own mind.

Timmy, sooo... how many current users actually remember everything and how many have been mind-wiped?

Timmy: About half and half, since we are trying to get a good sample group. The Mother System is worried about the impact that leaving certain otherworldly knowledge might have on the overall health of the world, if we let a bunch of transmigrators running around doing whatever they please with their knowledge. The Mother System insists on retaining the medieval feel of the entire world, and does not want to see people killing each other using guns, rockets and nukes. The “ancient cultivator world” is the entire appeal of this whole planet in the first place.

Yeah, but I honestly do not think that you would be able to avoid the creation of guns for too long, since anyone with half a brain would be able to eventually invent one. Even if they would not be powered by gunpowder, they could be very well powered by spirit stones, which have a similarly explosive effect. As long as the civilization will discover some sort of explosive-combustible substance plus a steel pipe and a lead ball, you will still have some sort of gun running around.

Timmy: We know, even Momma System realises that, so guns have not been out right banned from appearing, they just have been made extremely clunky, complicated, expensive to make, and not worth the cost of the ammo compared to the bow counterparts. While weaponizing an entire army with guns is not impossible, it is absolutely impractical from an economical point of view. Only rich-ass adventures are the types of people that can afford using a gun regularly.

Well, the part about the memory wipe is an unsettling bit of news. I'm just glad I had had the foresight to buy myself all of those modules. Makes me wonder who, or rather, what the hell I was before coming to Earth, since I was obviously able to pay for these rather costly extra modules even before coming here. My memories seem to extend only as far as being back on Earth though, and not any further beyond that.

After about one more hour of waiting, Lingfeng finally came back. Jin had fallen back asleep, and I began to tell the windmage about the weird fact that even the boy was not aware of his own destiny until now.

"Then how the hell do YOU know for certain?"

I give him the “you should know better than to question my knowledge by now” scowl.

"Ok, Ok, point taken, no need to put up that face, I’m not even sure why the hell I bother questioning what you know or do anymore..."

"I do not think that the demon wanted the boy to know either, otherwise It would have told him. Maybe Jin becoming conscious of his own role would have screwed up its plans? I’m pretty sure you can’t become a Hero of the Flame if you get possessed, so I’m very certain that Jin would have eventually gotten rid of the tome by himself. We just...precipitated things."

"Yeah, but you might have also screwed up his entire destiny by doing so! What if getting rid of Ifritt WAS the trigger that made Jin into the Hero of the Flame? And now, since the demon is gone, the catalyst for his growth is gone as well?"

"You have a point, but if destinies were so easily modifiable or discardable, we wouldn't have any heroes in the world anymore. I think Momma Earth will create a different way for him to reach his destiny."

"Right...so...now what?"

"Wake the boy up. We need to have a very serious talk."

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Lingfeng left the girl’s hut sometime beyond the midnight hour. He had taken the time to explain to Jin who Ifritt was, and how it had burned down the Perseian Capital to the ground 1000 years ago with elderly, women and children included, and how it took half of the Heroes of the world to finally banish him inside that fire tome as a container. Why the hell the heroes back then were unable to just kick him straight back to Hell, none of the persons involved knew, but it was irrelevant for now, since Ifritt had been indeed banished below. Jin did not take the news well at all. Jin was still confused and griefing about the loss of his “mentor”, and was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he had been used as a demon’s tool and that he was suddenly the Hero of the Flame for no reason. Lingfeng could understand the boy’s state, because his own mind was in turmoil, and could simply not settle down.

"Suuure, she says she “simply” drowned a fucking Ancient Fire Demon in a bucket, but WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?" Lingfeng kept mumbling to himself as he was heading home. "In the whole history of the world, that has been UNHEARD OF! Even with a severely weakened and imprisoned demon, it should of not have happened! What is that “Thermal Qi” which she kept talking about? I did not get even half of what she was saying! What the hell is Entropy? Particle acceleration states? Plasma? WHY O WHY in the Nine Heavens does that girl puzzle and confuse me so much?!?

And she doesn't even seem aware about the fact that she just changed the Destiny of a Hero, something that only Mother Earth would know how to do or allow to happen in the first place. Is she one of the Blessed Children from myth? The ones that come from beyond the Stars to bless this world with their strange knowledge? It certainly fits the pattern but...A CLONE? If that were the truth, then Momma Earth has fucking some twisted sense of humor indeed!

Oh Mother Earth below and Father Sun above, guide this foolish one in comprehending the weird stuff that the girl keeps spouting out of her mouth! Because I think I am losing my mind a little bit here!!!"

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It took another three days for Fung to come back to “life”, and taking care of him all throughout the period had not been fun. It’s a pain in the ass to feed and change a comatose person. Luckily, the shady bodyguard dude that always seemed to trail Fung had come to my aid, and had called for a couple of household maids from Clan Tai to help with the chore. I did NOT want to have to change Fung’s mandiapers while he was “offline”. Luckily, the servant ladies did not seem to mind it that much, saying that it’s quite common for cultivators to get knocked out for a few days at a time, especially at the low levels like Fung was, and taking care of such “problems” had been included in their “training”.

I did not think I wanted to know what that “training” included in the whole discipline.

When Fung came around, I had just started telling him about the Ancient Demon and the bucket, when a bunch of explosions shook the air, making the walls of the house tremble and almost shattering the windows, since my house was of the more “expensive” type that had glass panels instead of paper. A horrible blaring alarm began to resound in the air, and the whole Sect Warding-Barrier was pulsating red.

"WHAT IN BLUE BLAZES IS THAT FUCKING NOISE!"

"A DEMONIC CULTIVATOR HAS BEEN FOUND WITHIN THE SECT!" Fung yelled back at me over the blaring sound.

"JUST USE CHAT!"

[Aw right, forgot about that. The sect Elders have located a demonic infiltrator in the sect and are currently in pursuit. It shouldn't take too long to catch him.]

[Does this happen very often?]

[About 10 or more times each year. We had very few this term though, probably because of the whole Hero death fiasco.]

[What do they want from here in the first place? This is just a scholarly sect full of nerds and artsy types!]

[No idea, but do not be surprised if it’s related to that demon you just killed.]

[The tome? But how?]

[Well, Jin wasn’t exactly very subtle about hiding that book, now was he?]

[Right…so anyone else that might have recognized the symbol just the way I did, might have spilled the beans to the demoniacs. Well that sucks! The Demonic Sects have no fucking ideea that their demon overlord is dead, so they will come after our Sect and Jin in particular a lot more often from now on! So much for peaceful Alchemy grinding days! ARRGH!]

[Let them come! They will see that the Blue Mountain of Books Sect if not as weak as they think!]

[Fungus, did you just pull a Jinx Flag on me? Man, I really have to take the time to explain about spouting shit like that to you!]

[Huh?]

[Never say stuff like “Let them come, our victory is assured!”, or “What could go wrong?” or any other type of shit that would allow for Momma Earth to come and prove to you that indeed, there was enough room for a lot worse to happen. It’s like literally attracting bad luck!]

[I...see…]

*SHTADUNG!*

*PHFOOM!*

[Man, shit’s getting real serious down there...what do you think is happening?]

[Don’t know, but the Elders will not let the intruder slip their grasp. As long as the Sect Barrier is up, he has no way of getting out. The demonic disciple is just a fish on the frying pan, and he doesn't even know it.]

[Are we even safe in here? That sounded like someone unleashing some serious firepower out there. I do not want to die to friendly fire!]

[Our house is decently far enough. All of those noises are coming from the Inner Sect, way further up the hill. It’s just the mountain echo acoustics that make it all sound so much worse.]

After about half an hour more of explosions, the world finally settled down, and Lingfeng showed up at my house filled with sweat and dirt.

"What happened?"

"Demonic Cultivator...Ptew...Damn it, I think I swallowed a bucket-worth of bugs while running around at full speed. The Demonic Cultivator is specialised in wind and rapid movements as well, a fucking slippey fellow if I ever saw one."

"Did you get him?"

"Not yet...we lost him among some buildings for now. But he’s not going anywhere. The Sect Barrier will stay up until we find him, rest assured."

"Soo, you say he runs really fast, right?"

"Yes, I'm sad to say he’s even faster than me, I could only keep up with him for just a little while."

"Hmm...And you said that you just swallowed bugs, so that means that there’s no real protection against incoming objects built into that speed magic of yours, right?"

"Not that I know of, why?"

"Then...How much more of that spider silk do you still have on you? Hehehehehe!"

Lingfeng widens his eyes in surprise, then also starts to grin widely as he slowly begins to get my plan.

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Next day, the search continued.

The day after that, the same, but people began to get tired of it all.

The third day, the Elders decided to call the search off, and take down the barrier.

Just as life seemed to resume its normal pace around the sect, a horrible woman scream filled the air.

"AAARGH ! DEMONIC CULTIVATOR! HELP! CALL THE ELDERS! CALL THE ELDERS!"

The same scene was repeating itself all throughout the sect at certain intervals, played out by all of the Clan Tai maids that we had hired to play the role.

Caught by surprise and unable to discern how the screaming woman had managed to spot him, the Demonic Cultivator began to run at full speed towards the nearest open Sect Gate, to get out of the Sect Barrier coverage area before the Elders could trigger it again.

*FWOOSH! ZOOOOM!*

Just as he was almost out of the sect, the Demonic Cultivator felt something unknown cut into his body and tear it to shreds, right before breathing his last wondering what had happened.

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I saw the Demonic Cultivator rush down the street at a speed that was close to Mach 1, since he was leaving a sonic boom in his wake.

I have no ideea what sort of skill he was employing, but he was FUCKING FAST!

Unfortunately for him, the iron spider silk threads that we had hung in bundles across each Sect Exit Gate were also tough as hell and nearly invisible to the naked eye, especially to someone going at that speed.

The result simply was that the dude had rushed straight into the spider silk web, and tore himself into meatloaf slices, as he encountered the strands laying in his way. As he smeared himself into gored segments of flesh and bone, Lingfeng was watching besides me the results and was wincing at the sight. He could see himself in the same position as the sliced guy, since he was also a “speedster” when using his wind magic.

"Old fella’, I told you so! See there what happened? You definitely need some sort of a shield to buffer incoming impacts if you plan on going that fast in the future."

"I...will take that into consideration, most definitely."

"Dibs on any spatial ring if he has any!"

"Trina, No! You know that’s not how this works! What if he has important info stored in there?"

"Then you take the info and I keep the ring?" I gave Lingfeng my big puppy googly eyes look.

Unfortunately, the demonic dude did not have any ring, nor info to give us. All he had left behind was a slice of life.