S1E8 - Today I got a million and met someone unknown

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Seklu

"The guiding light reflected by the mountains of treasure we amass illuminates the only true path, charted for us by our wise ancestors

When our stubborn brothers persisted in the never-ending fight, our fathers showered their Final Enemy with gold - and its soothing light sated the hunger of the Golden Snake and ushered him into a peaceful slumber

When the First One shook Kaladerra with his thunderous steps, our fathers brought gold to him as a gift - and its friendly glitter allowed them to join his mighty family

When Great Family was divided, our fathers put their trust in the power of their riches - and its mighty glow protected our achievements trough those dark and turbulent times

Now that the Servants of the Moon Lady threatening our borders, we will once again forge our path to victory from this glorious metal. Have no fear - the gold will never betray us!"

Several records indicate that this was the speech Pharaoh Radamenhotemzes XXIII gave to his people before he personally went to deliver hundred chests filled with golden coins to the Lord Commander of the 9th Crusade. No known records of the actual negotiation exist, but the chests were soon returned, with gold still untouched and severed heads of the Pharaoh and his guards included in every one of them. The downfall of his kingdom was soon to follow

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OK, can someone smart please explain to me - what exactly all of them are doing here right now? If possible, use simple words and avoid multi-layered metaphors - thinking is not my strongest suit right now. Or ever, really, but I've just artificially enhanced my stupidity up a notch and am currently gunning for a world record of being fucking dumb, so a little understanding would be greatly appreciated

And I'm not talking about their respective purposes for being here - that much is blatantly transparent even for me. For example, Pointy Ears is trying to sneak into a shop with "exclusive handmade" merch for another show about another magical girl that's going to be super-popular for another five minutes. Great disguise there, Ears! Sunglasses and a hat - this master of covert action is an epitome of creative thinking, but I can't help but notice the obvious lack of a face mask in this ensemble

Squirming suspicious creature by the porn comic book shop over there is definitely not some old pervert trying to achieve the ultimate form of window shopping, also known as "window licking". That's just our good ol' Healing Boobs, performing what I'm sure is supposed to look like a sneak peak in her mind. Tremendous, albeit vain, efforts in trying to act nonchalant are better redirected into improving technological literacy, in my opinion. Network, Boobs - look into it! It's got stuff like this for days! Months! Aeons! Anonymity is not guaranteed, but who even cares about other people's pron preferences, unless it's a celebrity, or something. Which, if you think about it, Boobs kind of is, so scratch that - keep staring, Boobs. Keep staring good, burn it into your memory for later use!

Giant woman hypnotizing crane game with huge fluffy plushies presents a dignified sight of a warrior princess contemplating her shortcomings and trying to achieve inner piece for the sake of drastically improving her efficiency in the battles to come. The choice of time and place for this meditation exercise is purely coincidental, so pay it no mind - it's not like our Scaly Valkyrie has any interest in this cuddly nonsense whatsoever. Especially not in that enormous stuffed red dragon, no sir, why would she? Best reason I can come up with would be some sort of a size kinship, but that's a bit of a stretch, isn't it? Hey, Tall - try communicating with it, maybe it speaks Giant too, who knows

Anyway

By a distant screeching coming from a maid cafe alley, I can only assume that the Bane of My Existence is also here - probably educating flyer girls in a secret art of a proper maid conduct. Great. Still sulking about this statue thing, probably. Or maybe it's this "date" that got her riled up, or something else entirely - don't know, don't care. Point is, Rindo's here too. As I said - great. How did she get here ahead of me - did she run all the way or just jumped really hard? If you consider the timing, we were basically riding the same train and...

Oh, right. It might have taken me a bit longer to get to the train station than usual. And to board a train. And to everything else. Heh

So, with the purpose out of the way, the question of the reason looms over with annoying proximity - seriously, why the fuck are they all here now? Nothing is supposed to happen here today... today? What day is it, actually? Yesterday was Monday, that's more or less certain. Tomorrow is Tuesday, I think I'm pretty sure of that. What is today, then? Monsday? Tuenday? Woah, have I become time-travelling Hero destined to drift in between the cracks of chronological continuum forever?

My utterly fucked up sense of time aside, if you think I'm being too self conscious and my teammates are allowed to have their own lives outside of those wacky interactions they're usually having with me, then I totally agree. I can't agree hard enough, actually - what stirs up my spirit of defiance is their suspiciously synchronized choice of a timeframe and location for having those lives of theirs. I mean, look - they already dropped what they've been doing and are currently trying to surround me, all the while pretending to wonder aimlessly

Fuck it, let's bail!

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My stamina is shit. My sense of direction is shit. My evasive maneuvers are shit too!

They've been hounding me down with the amount of persistency that makes me think about relinquishing my newfound title to every one of them with ease. How come no matter where I go, there are always a merch shop, a lewd shop, a crane game and a maid cafe nearby? What fucking sorcery is this? Am I walking in circles, or are they magically relocating their respective points of interest to where I am?

Never mind, Heroic Gut Feeling, lead the way!

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*pant* *pant* *pant*

...It's an actual park with an actual bench, eh? I would laugh at this whole situation, but I'm not sure I remember the correct definition of the word "irony". Regardless, there's no convenient excuse for any of them to approach this place, so Hero wins again, I guess. For a time being, anyway, because I'm sure as soon as I say that I don't remember anything happening here this early in the loop, something is bound to...

Yeah, I knew it! See that chubby dude standing under the tree? I know him! He's... he is.. he's a chubby dude standing under the tree, obviously! My current state of mind is irrelevant, that's simply the only thing I know about him - he's always standing under that tree and looking up at something. If you try talking to him, he mumbles something about something, and basically nothing happens, since you don't understand what exactly it is that he's saying. Good. "Nothing happens" is good right now. I'm very busy with... important stuff

...

...

...

『Hey man』

『Must. Do. Don't. Know』

『Difficult』

『Friend. Understand?』

『I feel you, man』

『Happy. Friend. Kind』

『Friend help』

『Friend. Can't. Must. Do』

『One and one will be two』

『Don't. Know』

『One small. Two big』

『Two. Strong?』

『For real』

『Friend. Smart. But. Must. Do』

『Friend must do what you must do』

『True?』

『Trust!』

『Friend. Good. Cat』

I don't see anything at where he's pointing, but I guess he thinks there's a cat stuck on a tree branch. Hey, that fellow is surprisingly easy to understand!

『Cat stuck, must help?』

『Must. Do. Don't. Know』

『Choice?』

『Smash. Tree?』

『Cat too』

『Not. Good. Throw. Thing?』

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『Cat fall, hit hard』

『Not. Good. Jump. Hard?』

『Miss cat, fall down, hit harder』

『Not. Good. Throw. Friend?』

『Miss cat, fall down, friend dead』

『Not. Good. Don't. Know』

『Difficult』

『Difficult』

Important stuff can wait, lets help this guy

『Friend sit』

『Not. Tired』

『Trust!』

『Good』

That dude is pretty massive even sitting down, so it takes some effort to climb on his shoulders. Shut up, I'm not a shrimp - you're a shrimp!!

『Friend. Dumb. Not. Tree』

『Friend stand up. I reach the cat』

『Friend! Smart!』

Easy there, big fellow! Are you trying to launch me to the moon, or what? Anyway, I'm high enough now to grab onto the nearest branch and climb a little further to look for that cat, which I sure hope isn't imaginary. There's some movement over there, so maybe...

『*glurp*』

『...』

『*glurp*』

『...』

『*glurp?*』

Well, one thing for sure - it isn't a cat. It's a catfish, grabbing the branch with all its six finny paws and mimicking the bark pattern with the color of its skin, making it almost completely invisible even from this distance. Forget about what it's doing here, how the fuck did this big guy even see it from below?

Since we're here already, lets carefully make our way along the brunch and proceed with Heroic Rescue Opera...

*creeeeeeeak* *fall* *grab* *grab* *bonk*

That dude sure is something - he effortlessly grabbed us both in mid-air, and even managed to balance that treacherous branch on the top of his head. Anyway, Heroic Rescue accomplished - unless he wants to eat this thing now. I mean, he's been staring at this catfish pretty hard for some time

『Cat. Fish? Don't. Know』

『Cat and fish. Saved both』

『Still. Good?』

『Better!』

『Know! Friend. Say. One. Small. Two. Big!』

『For real』

『Good! Good! Friend. Smart! Friend. Help. Grateful!』

『Friend help friend. Purpose!』

『Purpose? Purpose! Good! Find. Friends. Help!』

『Good! But! Choose friends carefully』

『Choose? Not. Good. Sad』

『Difficult』

『Difficult. Friend. Choose. Me. How?』

『Gut Feeling!』

『Gut. Feel? Good! Do. Know! Choose. Friend. As. Friend!』

『Good! Put friend down, shake hands!』

*real bro handshake*

Well, a won't feel my right hand for a while, but it was a positive experience overall. Suck on it, you smug fox cunt - I do have friends, see?

『Friend. Happy. Must. Go』

『Good luck!』

『Friend. Too! Before. Gift』

>> ACQUIRED : Grabapple

...You're going to take it out of your pocket just like that, huh? You know what, fuck it - you care, you lose. Not the first - and not the last - fruit of the Original Harvest I'm wolfing down today, so don't mind if I do!

*munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp*

>> ENDURANCE : (F) : 11 + 200 → → → ENDURANCE : (F) : 211

Great, my stamina is slightly less shit!

>> ACQUIRED : Seed of Hang in There

*munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp*

>> ENDURANCE : (F) + (1) : 211 → → → ENDURANCE : (E) : 211

A little different from that other one, right? Yeah, fruits that improve core stats have a little bit of a special effect - bigger numbers and no tradeoffs, as you might've noticed. Great stuff!

『Taste. Good?』

『Great! Thanks!』

『Happy! Must. Go. Must. Do』

『Success!』

『Try. Hard. Friend. Too』

『Do our best! Both!』

『One. Small. Two. Big. Right?』

『For real』

『For. Real』

And there he goes. Not going to lie - it was very refreshing to have a conversation with someone you don't know everything about even before meeting them for the first time. It felt... normal, somehow. Can use some of that, but in moderation - better not make it a habit going forward. Normal just doesn't seem to be my thing - for example, the thought of asking his name didn't even cross my mind. All those twenty pages long bios that pop right into my head every time I see a familiar face really change my mentality to a considerable degree. Eh, fuck it - I'm sure we will meet again. Gut feeling, for real

Well, anyway, that happened. Now, I'm pretty sure I was doing something else before, some... important stuff, definitely

...

...

...

Yeah, no way I'm finding my way back to that stupid shop now! If you want to go somewhere, it helps to know where you are first - and good luck with that, me! I need some sort of a map, or should I ask for directions from one of the shopkeepers instead? Maybe Snick can find a shop that sells map or somethi...

...

...You know what, considering I was just lecturing Healing Boobs on her lack of tech literacy, I'm really fucking happy I forgot what "irony" means. It's very convenient, actually - the prospect of not relearning it gets more and more compelling by the second. Speaking of, how much dumber I have to be to forget all about those previous loops entirely - I'm about at the point of needing a manual on how to breathe, but those fucking memories are still crispy clean, what the hell?

『Snick. Tears of Lackremoar. Go』

Now we just have to follow this floating rat to get to where we're going. This is where we're going, right?

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*pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze*

Less shit is still pretty much shit, but stamina improvement is a standalone project for the later day

『My favorite customer has finally arrived! What's the matter kid - been busy checking out my competition, or simply forgot how to count?』

『Got what I want?』

『Yeah, 10 shiny seklu, all ready to fill your pockets with their pleasant burden! Got what I want?』

『What do you want?』

『...I'll take the huge Power Gem you were flashing here half an hour ago, please. And don't tell me that you already sold it somewhere else kid, because if you think those coins were easy to get in fifteen minutes flat, you better think again! I'm not sure you even realize...』

『I'll check』

『Oh, thank you very much, kid! Very thoughtful of you to check that you have the thing you're supposed to sell actually on you. Especially in the middle of the fucking transaction! Go ahead, it's not like I have a business to run or...』

『This one?』

『Yes, it's this one!! What, you have like a full bag of melon-sized jewels or som...』

『...』

『...You don't actually have a full bag of Power Gems just like that one, do you, kid?』

『No』

『Sheesh, you really had me going there for a second... Anyway, I should charge you extra coin for arriving way past the specified time, kid, but I'm afraid that you will start bargaining again, and I've had enough headache dealing with you to last me a whole week already. So, there's my gem, here's your money - want some help counting it, 'cause I can offer...』

『Don't bother. Here』

『Pleasure doing business with you, kid!』

>> ACQUIRED : Your Lucky Coin

>> ACQUIRED : 9 Seklu

So, I was selling a Power Gem easily worth over 2 mils for 10 Desert Coins that go for 1 mil at most combined? What a total rip-off! Sounds exactly like a type of deal I would make , so the story checks out pretty fine, especially...

Wait, what?!

>> Your Lucky Coin

>> As long as luck is on your side, so will be this little treasure

What. The actual. Flying. Fuck. Are you. Doing. Here. You. Shiny. Little. Cunt?!!!!!!!

Are you telling me that you've just been sitting here, in this market, this whole fucking time?! What about those ancient desert ruins we had to raid, all those traps and dead ends, riddles and enemies, what about those, huh?! Answer me, you overpriced bottle cap!! You what, got bored waiting for us underground and just went for a little walk, is that it? Actually, that would be more of a roll. Stroll? Whatever the fuck it is that you're doing right now, couldn't you have just done the same thing before? I mean, it took us forever to reach that hidden treasure room, just to find you - a single fucking coin - waiting for us there, radiating this whole "good job, suckers" vibe! Never have I seen an ancient coin this smug-looking before! Well, to be honest, I've never seen any ancient coins by that point in time period, so the initial impression was... Hm. Hmmmmmmm

It was the very first ancient gold coin I ever managed to acquire, huh? Interesting

And if you want to know, yes - my team was totally ecstatic about this whole ordeal, and the fact that I was the one who got the tip about a treasure hidden in those particular ruins was met with the shower of easy-going friendly jokes and a stream of understanding and forgiving attitude. Very understanding, very forgiving, and very-very vocal. That's why I love my girls - understanding and forgiveness is what they are all about. When all is said and done, they are definitely not the ones to forget the simple fact that I didn't actually sit this one out and properly went through the same shit as the rest of the party. Or that they all were more than eager to jump at this opportunity to grab some legendary artifacts. What kind of self-centered pricks would deliberately overlook something like that, right?

Fucking cunts

『What the... That's a pretty looking shiny you have right there, kid! Actually, I think I gave you some of my merchandise instead of the coin by mistake, so can I have it back for a second to make sure that...』

『Mine』

『Well, not technically, it isn't. The deal was 10 seklu for a gem, and this coin is obviously not...』

『Mine』

『I don't really think that you should fight me on this, kid. Listen, the thing in your hand is actually a magical forgery that a regular of mine ordered for sentimental purposes. Now, I wasn't trying to trick you, or anything like that - trust me, it was an honest mix up on my part, but! To make it up to you and not to let this little misunderstanding ruin the friendly mood we have going here, I'm willing to add another coin to the pot - just to make sure that...』

『No』

『...10 more coins』

『No』

『...』

『...』

『...Fine, whatever. Jokes on me for not noticing sooner, eh? Also, I'm pretty sure they all were... Doesn't matter. Once again - it's been a pleasure, kid. A word of advice as a special service, if I may - stay as far away from this whole monkey business as you can in the future. It takes a certain type of person to navigate those murky waters, and believe me, kid - you're not it. I'm surprised that you even...』

『You do the same』

『Now that's just simply hurtful - telling me to stay away from the trade a spend most of my life on! Why would you even say something like that to a successful businessman such as myself, kid? I'll have you know...』

『I show gem. I leave. I come back. Only you. And coins』

『...Pffffha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You got me there, kid, you got me real good, I'll give you that! True, I've been reprimanded for my refusal to properly double-cross anyone many times before, so that hits a little too close to home, if you know what I mean. Still, never before by a person that I was supposed to double-cross, so that adds a certain sting to it, eh? What can I say - you were right on the money with your assessment earlier. I can easily double my investment with this deal, and that's good enough for me. No reason to trouble myself with all that funny business just for the sake...』

『Sucker』

『Kid, please, remind me - did I ever tell you that you got a lip on you? Just because a man is involved in a dishonest trade doesn't mean he should become a dishonest man, even if...』

『It does mean that. Kinda』

『Weeell, let's agree to disagree, how does that sound? I have my own way of doing things, and sure - at times, I might not be as successful as some of my, let's say, more opportunistic peers. Quite a lot of times, to be honest, but regardless...』

『Why still do it then?』

『Why still do anything? Force of habit and fear of change, kid - trust me, you'll get there. Been doing this long enough for it to become very hard to imagine doing anything else - plus, not that many windows of opportunity just waiting for me out there, right? And, believe it or not - at the end of the day, I'm actually pretty good at what I do. This monkey business is in my blood. Now, why the fuck am I telling you all this again? I'm not old enough to...』

『Extortion. I'm good. You said, remember?』

『Yeah, and I'm surprised that you do, considering. So, you're good at extorting information too, eh, kid? Watch out, everyone, there's a new wild card on the block - if we leave him be, he's gonna muscle us out of business soon! Well, enough of that silly talk, I have a shop to run. If you choose to stay in the game, you know where to find me, kid』

『I am. Probably』

『Weird kid. But who am I kidding - if you keep bringing me stuff as good as this, you're welcome anytime!』

『Better. Probably』

『Really, now? Makes me a little curious - I kinda feel like I wanna know who you really are, kid!』

『You don't. Probably』

『We agree on something, for a change. Good luck, weird fellow!』

『You too, sucker』

A big fucking softie is what this idiot really is. Which suits me - did I ever mention that I'm an Ally of Justice and not very good at all those shady moves? But even I know that, after showing a prize as big as this one, and then leaving - eleven times out of ten I will be walking straight into an ambush when I come back. It's free money, basically - there's no one actually stupid enough to refuse the whole thing and settle for only half of it, right? Unless you know a certain guy that left a certain impression during certain brief interaction in all those previous loops

Long story short, if you want to be good at fighting - get good at fighting. If you want to be good at winning - get good at choosing your opponents. I'm not very good at either, but my cheat memory can even the scales a bit. Not a lot to work with, honestly - but I have to do my best with what I have

After all, Hero always wins. Has to

Anyway, that's that. I'm as sure as I can be that I need to get something else from this place, but... Should we take a quick tour to refresh my memory?

Nah, fuck it, I'm getting some déjà vu tingles from that idea, so let's just go back to the dorm

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