S1E1 - What's My Name Again?
----------------------------------------
Objects in the sea are farther than they appear
----------------------------------------
In this world, or any other, few things can rival hectic tranquility of a giant coastal city reinvigorated by a light of a newborn day. Ancient waves hitting the shoreline with reassuring persistency, huge modern building reflecting early sunrays with a thrilling promise of unstoppable changes. Angry screams of confused birds and snarky rumble of busy cars. Rushing pedestrians and loitering clouds. Speeding trains, flying ships, sailing boats and a big ugly tower of death on the horizon
Another beautiful fucking morning in the city of Vitalberia
If you're curious, that fine piece of architectural monstrosity sticking out of the water surface is called Citadel of the End, and it had its first properly documented appearance 422 years ago. Right after it popped out in the middle of the Zabulean Sea, the moon has covered the sun and Floodgates, more commonly referred to as Dungeons, have opened up all over Kaladerra to unleash countless waves of blood-thirsty creatures from another world. Those monsters showed great interest (and proficiency) in destroying everyone and everything they see, and quickly brought the planet to the brink of a total annihilation know as Great Collapse
Granted, the world was probably on its way there without any extra help. Confederation just managed to defeat the Horde in a decisive battle, pushing them back and putting a stop to the Eternal March for the first time since it's started. Orks were obviously eager for a rematch, so everybody was too busy getting ready for a season two of that specific bloodbath to pay attention to some weird aliens from hell
Nothing much could have been done even if they did pay attention, since monster swarms were led by Demons - mythical being straight from spooky tales. And, as you might know, nobody on Kaladerra can do anything to Demons. Those pricks are completely invulnerable to anything you can throw at them, and a certain widely known exception to that rule wasn't yet present on a play field
The result of this match - United Team of Monsters and Demons 1, Team Kaladerra 0. Most of the world was overrun by invaders, remnants of the population holed up in fortified cities, desperately trying to preserve what's left of civilization and occasionally sending out military parties to scrap for resources. Future was bleak, the end imminent, but then one of those parties managed to pull a jackpot
What were these morons doing so far away from any reliable stronghold remains uncertain to this day. Were they looking for survivors, food, tech, or a quick death in battle - nobody cares at this point. Because what they actually did find was an eight year old boy tearing monsters apart with his bare hands in the middle of a fucking nowhere
When they brought him back here, to Vitalberia, Salvation Church immediately announced him to be a reincarnation of Hero of the World that saved the planet from the similar crisis back in the days that nobody actually remembers anything about. People were understandably sceptical at first, but then those Salvation freaks presented Gexxalibur, a weapon from the myths that only True Hero can wield. And then the boy took it and went to slay some demons with it. And then everybody was like, hey, he seems alright, and I knew he was Hero even before it was cool!
After this, all those Saints and Sages straight from the Scripture started to pop up, Hero Party was formed, they went around defeating monsters and saving people, eventually laying siege to the Citadel of the End itself and subjugating Demon King at the cost of their lives, bringing the end to what is now called the First Impact. Kaladerra was saved, everyone was overjoyed and completely not worried about the number in the title of the event that clearly indicated the possibility of a next episode
Well, the number wasn't there in the beginning. It was added 100 years later, when this whole scenario repeated itself. Dark tower, Hero reincarnation, Gexxalibur, companions, Demon King, save, slay, subjugate, self-sacrifice in a process. This time everybody was taking things a little more seriously from the beginning, so the Second Impact was concluded with a lot less devastating results for the world compared to the First one
Third Impact was not much different from the Second, and then United Team of Monsters and Demons decided to sit the next one out. Kaladerra enjoyed two hundred years of piece, and people were already starting to think that they wouldn't have to deal with any more bullshit invasions from now on, only for Citadel to appear again 18 years ago. What a bummer! The usual cogwheels begrudgingly started to move again, the Church announced the new rebirth of Hero, all involved parties started to dust off usual measures and protocols, and all uninvolved ones got their popcorn ready. The Last Impact has officially begun
The name "Last" comes from the assumption that, since it took demons whole two centuries to prepare a new assault wave, the enemy forces are running out of juice and this attempt at destroying our planet is going to be the last one. This joyful hypothesis isn't supported by anything solid, but people like it all the same. Now, if only that Hero fellow would hurry up and claim the Gexxalibur, declare Demon King Subgugation Campaign, and then go and save the world once and for all, so that we can forget about this whole demon invading business
This is how we get to our current moment. As you probably already guessed, I'm the next iteration in a line of expendable Heroes, ready to be thrown at that stupid tower like some human-shaped fireball in a hope of ending this centuries-long struggle. Or at least postpone it for another hundred years. Claiming Gexxalibur is still a work in progress, and the team is not fully assembled yet either, but the overall story is pretty much set in a fucking stone. Gather companions, get the sword, start the campaign, go around doing good stuff, finally enter the Citadel, defeat Demon King, die heroically while doing so, save the world anyway. This is how it's supposed to go, and this is how it actually will. Except for saving the world part
All the other elements of the journey will go as intended, including brave self-sacrifice of entire Hero Party. Hell, some of us won't even make it to the Citadel in the first place. The rest will die storming it, then I meet Demon King, then we have a very stupid conversation, then we fight, then I die too. And then the world is destroyed, proving that the name of this Impact to be absolutely correct, just in a funny way
But I guess doing it all once wasn't enough, because shortly after that the time is reversed back to the moment we currently at without anyone actually remembering what has happened. The story goes through the same motions again - sword, companions, tower, fight, fail, total destruction. A new type of total destruction this time, just to keep things interesting. Afterward, the time rewinds back again. And again, and again, and again, and again - eight times total
This is how we get to our current moment once more. Loop eight just finished, loop nine is all ready to go. Only this time, things get slightly more complicated. Remember how I said that nobody has any recollection of the events from previous loops after the time-jump? Well, this time around, I do. I remember all of them
And it's not a memory of eight consecutive stories either. It's several simultaneous experiences all meshed into one - when they are similar, they multiply, when they are different, they split your mind eight-ways. Ever tried making sense of something like that? Me neither
I don't know why I remember all of it now, I don't know why I didn't before, I don't know if anybody else besides me have those memories, and I don't know if those memories are even real. I've been pretty spot on with my recollection of the events so far, but whether or not my predictions would hold true in the future, I also don't know
What I do know, with surprising amount of certainty, is this world is fucked
It's more of a gut feeling, really. Not the most solid foundation to build a premise of inevitable demise of all the living things, but what are you gonna do? Force of habit, or more like occupational hazard, actually. Gut feelings are pretty important for us Heroic folks. We happen to rely heavily on all those Sheer Powers of Will and Heroic Determinations to overcome impossible odds and defeat unbeatable enemies. No fight is unwinnable as long as Hero doesn't give up
And right now, I really really feel like I should
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
So, is it really surprising that I currently have zero motivation to storm this giant fuck-off tower again, when I'm already aware how meaningless it will be to repeat that whole process. Most of those world-ending disasters won't even come directly from the Citadel anyway, so maybe kaladerrians should move Demon King from the top spot in their priority list. That would be kinda hard to do, though, since the whole list is made of one line - defeat demonic overlord, then happiness. So, maybe add some more positions to it, and then try to come up with a proper counter-strategy that doesn't involve me as a main and only participant
I mean, I've already died saving the world eight times with zero results to show for it. What else do you want from me - to go and die one more time so I can at least say that I tried? Well, I did. And it was totally pointless, so can we skip this whole shebang and move on to the unavoidable annihilation of the planet? I'm staring to feel like I'm not entirely against the idea of the world not existing anymore
What do I personally stand to lose, anyway? My life? Funny, did I ever even get to live properly during all those years of my brilliant Heroicism, I wonder. Before I was officially recognized as Hero, all I remember is an endless pathetic struggle of a stupid boy trying to fill Heroic shoes that are obviously too big for him. And after that - well, nothing much actually changed. Constant battles, constant struggles, constant sacrifices - always for the sake of somebody else. All for the future, all for the people, all for the world. All for nothing, apparently
That's why I've decided to take a loop off - have a well-earned Heroic Vacation and live a little. Without any Shit Taken from anyone and without a single Fuck Given about anything. Let's see how I'm doing so far
>> ST-counter : 0
>> FG-counter : 0
Good, good. But let's not celebrate just yet. Cunning enemies hide behind every corner, waiting for the opportunity to smear this clean beauties with corrupting filth of Heroic Responsibilities. Or just to fuck with me on principle, those are in the majority, actually. Fending off all these villains isn't gonna be easy - my stats are shit, I have almost no useful skills to speak of, my companions are untrustworthy, and everybody else just sees me as a convenient gofer. Battle that seems to be unwinnable no matter how you look at it, but I have a gut feeling that there's a way to overcome this predicament. Despite going to a self-proclaimed retirement, I'm still Hero, you know. And Hero always wins
Plus, if my memories are actually correct, even to some extent, they can become extremely valuable assets to my Hero Retirement Uninterruptied Master Plan. It's pretty hard to make sense of that disorganized mess that is happening in my head right now, but the resulting benefits are well-worth the effort, so let's work hard, Hero!
Overall, the strategy is actually turning out to be pretty simple. First step - fish for useful bits in my future memories. Second step - use those memories to become overpowered enough to live as you like. If the world is still intact by then, think about step three
Becoming overpowered might not be entirely necessary, but I'm gonna be honest with you for a second. During most of my Hero days, I never got to be actually really strong. My teammates were doing all the fighting, and I was doing... what the fuck was I doing, anyway? Providing all kinds of support and occasional comic relief? Being a glorified figurehead for Hero Party and a glorified stallion for Hero Breeding? Not exactly a picture of Heroic Journey a young me had in mind growing up
It seems stupid now, but a silly dream of becoming True Hero was all that clumsy boy had. Considered a failure for as long as he can remember, he desperately clung to this silly dream in hopes of being recognized someday. He carried this silly dream through his journey in hopes of actually helping people. He took this silly dream to his death during an impossible fight in hopes of saving the world. The very same world that refused to make his silly dream come true till the very end
Don't worry, young fellow, we'll make this dream come true with our own effort!
Fuck the world and fuck all the people in it, I'm going to be strong for myself
...
It's a really strange feeling, looking right now at this tower I just recently finished to fight my way through. Like all other versions of me are still over there, engaged in a deadly combat, and my current version is just leisurely watching from the sidelines. I wonder if I jump really hard, can I get to the Citadel and meet my other selves?..
『Young Master, how long do you intend to stand here trying to look cool?』
As you see, Rindo Marudokawa, my personal maid, is a silly woman that fails to grasp the dramatic importance of Heroic Brooding. But she's right, we should probably be on our way
----------------------------------------
We follow our Hero through the busy streets of an Eternal City of Vitalberia, catching a glimpse of all the enchanting sights it might offer us in the future, before reaching a magnificent building that radiates a solemn dignity with its very presence
----------------------------------------
Well, that was a short walk. Anyway, welcome to the University of Liberal Combat Arts! Never mind the name, everybody just calls it Hero Academy. And yes, it does have something to do with me and my famous predecessors
When First Hero was dragged to the Capital from the wilderness, he barely knew how to talk. After he managed to demonstrate his usefulness by slaying some demons, it became apparent that such lack of common sense in Heroic figure might become problematic going forward. The best of Kaladerra (or what was left of them at the time) were assembled and tasked with teaching Hero, well, everything - from a proper way of holding the spoon to a proper way of punching a dragon in the teeth. Arduous battle of its own kind, they say, but they've managed to succeed. Eventually
After this whole Demon King battle circus was over, everybody thought it would be too much of a waste to just disassemble a facility that's capable of pumping out monster-slaying maniacs at a constant rate, so it became its own thing. Since then, tradition dictates for every Hero to attend this oversized pile of pretentious junk. In fact, graduating from it is one of the conditions to be officially recognized as Hero of the World
There's no particular reason for us to be here right now, though. I'm not that interested in the opening ceremony, and a giant board by the entrance with group distributions just presents an annoying plot twist that isn't worth much attention either. It was just easier to come here and get this shit over with, than to figure out a proper excuse for Rindo. Now, let's pretend to check out this board...
...
Interesting
It makes little sense, but my own name seems to be different in every loop. Do I even care enough to try and wrap my brain around this oddity? Rhetorical question, by the way. Regardless, what should it be this time?
What about Troy? I feel like Troy. Let's go with Troy!
Doesn't matter which one I go by, if you take your time and look through all the names on the board, you will notice that...
『Well-well-well, if it isn't Troy Celvarion! It appears to me that the infamous Fake Hero has managed to hit the new low!』
A wild bully appears!! Everyone, meet count Edgar Fundipion, my self-assigned nemesis for a significant part of my academic life. He's from that group I mentioned that likes to fuck with me just for the hell of it. Doesn't do anything major at first, just some silly pranks and goofy insults, but eventually...
...No, wait a minute, did that idiot seriously wait for me by the entrance for almost two hours? The morning commotion in the dormitory took a while, then I spend some time doing very important Heroic Inner Monologuing, so I obviously thought he would give up and leave by this point. Good job, you persistent moron! As a proud owner of Heroic Determination myself, I commend your effort and patience. Let's see how far we can stretch it
『Rindo, this is an emergency situation!!』
『...Did you have another erotic fantasy while looking at my boobs, Young Master?』
『It's way worse than that!! I just stepped on a giant pile of poop!!』
『...What nonsense are you spouting, Troy Celvarion?』
『Woaah!! It's a talking poop!! How horrifying. Protect me, Rindo!』
『Please stop hiding behind me, Young Master. My duties do not involve dealing with talking poop』
『How dare you!..』
『Rindo, what are you talking about? You're a maid! Use your outstanding cleaning proficiency and quickly scrap off this talking poop!』
『I would like to refrain, Young Master. The stench of this talking poop may ruin my uniform』
『...Hey...』
『Tsk, it can't be helped. I will double your salary!! Get rid of this talking poop immediately!』
『Young Master, you're not paying me any salary in the first place』
『...Listen to me!..』
『What a stingy woman, thinking about money when her master's life is in danger! Where's your pride as a maid?』
『My pride has been tarnished by the proximity to this talking poop, Young Master』
『STOP CALLING ME TALKING POOOOOOOOOP!!!!! *echo*』
『『...』』
『...Hey, count Fundipion』
『What is it, Troy Celvarion?! *pant* *pant* *pant*』
『I don't think a noble of your status should really be screaming "poop" in a middle of a public place. What's your take, Rindo?』
『It appears that education at the House Fundipion is, indeed, severely lacking, Young Master』
『But I wasn't!.. you were the one... I just...』
『『...』』
『H-ha-ha-ha! Your pathetic insults d-do not affect me, Troy Celvarion! Look closely, your name is not on this board!! You failed to pass the exam!! Now everyone will know you for a miserable imposter you truly are! In fact, I cannot bear to waste any more time on a Fake Hero! I shall leave at once! Hmph!!』
*stomp* *stomp* *fume* *fume*
『What a kind-hearted talking poop, trying to console me after I've failed the exam! I feel sorry for it now, Rindo. Did we let our prejudice cloud our minds and prevent us from noticing a true heart of gold beneath this pile of poop? What does it really tell us about ourselves?』
『... You seem to be in a good mood, Young Master』
『Impossible!! I just failed the most important exam in my life, so, naturally, I'm completely devastated! I need to eat my sorrows away immediately. What do you say about that burger joint down the street?』
『I wonder what will your father say when he learns about this』
『Nothing good, that's for sure. So, are you coming? Or do you wanna split and make a quick run to bring the news to him before anybody else does?』
『...I shall follow you, Young Master』
And with dastardly count Poopion defeated, victorious Hero Party goes to stuff their faces in the nearest restaurant
『Where do you think you're going, cadet Celvarion?』
Or maybe not
----------------------------------------
Now Loading........